by Mz. Lady P
“I promise I won’t tell anybody.” After I cried on her shoulder, I left her house and headed back home. Tears blinded me all the way home. I hate cancer. That shit sucks. When I pulled into the driveway, Quaadir was home. I had to gather myself because he would know something was wrong with me.
When I walked inside the house, he was talking on the phone. It sounded like business so I just walked over and kissed him on the cheek and headed upstairs to check on the kids. I knew that the nanny had dropped them off to him because she sent me a text letting me know. Niveaa and Nadiaa were on their phones as usual. They were straight divas and that shit got on my nerves. Their Daddy makes sure they get their hair, nails, and toes done every other week. I walked inside of my twins’ room but they weren’t in there. All of a sudden I heard a gunshot go off. The sound came from our bedroom so I took off running in that direction.
“Ahhhhhhhh!” I screamed out as Li’l Quaadir stood over Quameer with a gun in his hand. I rushed over and that’s when I saw that Quameer had a huge hole in his chest.
“I’m sorry Momma we were playing. I thought it was a toy. I didn’t mean to hurt him Momma.” He wrapped his arms around my neck as I rocked back and forth on the floor holding my son’s lifeless body. I knew that he was dead. I could feel it. My daughters ran over to us and they were crying hysterically but I was zoned out. I heard everything going on around me but it was like I was frozen in time. That was until I heard Quaadir crying.
“No! No! No!” I looked up and Quaadir was standing over us. He dropped down to his knees. Tears were flowing down his face. I stared at him with so much hate in my eyes. I tell him every time he comes in to put his gun away. He always puts it on the nightstand like we don’t have mischievous three-year-olds running around. He reached out to touch him but I started hitting him.
“Don’t touch him! Don’t touch him! This is your fault! I told you to put that gun up! My baby! My baby! Please wake up! Momma is so sorry I left you today. Just please wake up.”
“I’m sorry bae. I laid it on the bed and I had to quickly run downstairs. They were both asleep when I went downstairs. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” We all sat on the floor crying and holding Quameer’s body until the police came and EMTs came and took him away. They couldn’t pronounce him dead so we still ended up going to the hospital.
For hours I sat in the emergency room waiting for the doctors to come out and tell me what I already knew. Quameer had passed from a gunshot wound to the chest. Quaadir had been taken into custody because the gun was his and he admitted to leaving it unattended. It was registered and we were both licensed firearm carriers. I didn’t know if he was going to be charged with anything. Hell, there was a possibility that I could be charged. At this point I didn’t even care what happened to me. There was no way I was going to be able to live without my baby. They might as well bury me next to him because I’m dead.
“Are you mad at me mommy?” I was sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor trying my best to remove my son’s blood from the carpet but it seemed as if the spot was getting bigger and bigger. I looked up when I heard Li’l Quaadir talking. He was so sad without Quameer and I was trying my best not to cry or be angry around him. I reached my arm out so that he could come to me.
“No baby. Mommy is not mad at you. What happened was a big mistake. You didn’t mean to hurt your brother. I love you very much and we’re going to be okay.” I hid my face in his shoulder as I cried. I was lying to my baby. I had no idea if things would be okay ever again. I looked up and saw Tahari standing in the doorway crying.
“Come here Quaadir baby. I want you to go downstairs and watch TV with your Daddy. If you be a good boy, auntie is going to take you and your sisters to get some ice cream. Now give me a hug.” I was so glad my sister came on the first thing smoking when I told her what had happened. She walked over to me and wiped my tears with her hands. I just went back to scrubbing the blood.
“Why won’t it come out?” I said as I started to scrub the blood stain with everything inside of me. Tahari yanked the scrub brush from me and held onto me as tight as ever as I began to wail and cry loudly. I had cried so much that I could barely see out of my eyes.
“That’s right. Let it out sis.”
“I just want my baby back. I don’t care about the money, the houses, the cars, or the street status. I just want my baby.”
“I know you do Keesha but he’s not coming back. He’s in Heaven with God now. He’s up there with his cousins Angelica and Ka’Jariana. We’re going to get through this together as a family. I’m your big sister and I promise you that we will.” I knew that both of my sisters had went through this but I couldn’t rely on a promise that I would get through this. At this moment there was nothing that made me feel like I would get through this shit. I stood up and I climbed up in my bed. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up.
Chapter 15- A Father’s Anguish
Quaadir
Shit had been a complete blur from the moment I heard that gunshot go off. Seeing my son lying on the floor lifeless will always be in my mind. Each and every time I closed my eyes I could see him. That shit was fucking with my mental. I had been charged with reckless child endangerment and I was given a fifty-thousand-dollar bond. I expected Keesha to be there to bond me out, instead I couldn’t get out until Aunt Ruth came.
I knew that Keesha was mad at me and she had every right to be. It was my fault Quameer was dead. I left the gun unattended and my boys got a hold to it. At the same time, we needed each other to get through this but Keesha refuses to talk to me. She won’t even look at me. This shit is killing me slowly. I’ve not only lost my son but I’ve lost my wife too. I’m built Ford tough but I’m not built for this shit here. You see this type of shit on the news all the time but you never think it will happen to you.
*****
“Come on Bro. The service is starting.” I was sitting on the church steps too afraid to go inside and join my family. I couldn’t even bring myself to go inside and see my little nigga laid up like that.
“I can’t do it.” Thug sat down next to me and we both just sat in silence for a minute.
“It killed my soul to have to see a daughter I never got a chance to know lying in a casket. To this day I wonder what color was her eyes. We have no pictures, no blankets, no toys, or anything that reminds us of her. You on the other hand have had the blessing of having Quameer in your life for three years. At least you have the memories. Your little man loved you and you got a chance to shower him with nothing but love. This is the last time you will get to see him. Come on in here and say goodbye to your son. If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Don’t make Keesh sit up there alone.”
“I fucked up big bro!” I hadn’t really cried but right now I was crying like a newborn on my brother’s shoulder. Thug pulled me up to my feet and he held me close.
“It was a mistake Bro. You can’t keep blaming yourself. Get yourself together. We have to send Meer Meer off the right way.” Thug walked back in to the church and I followed close behind him. I slowly made my way up to the custom made Spider-man casket. The inside had his name engraved. There were also Spider-man figurines placed inside. I wanted him to wear a nice suit but Li’l Quaadir said we should let him wear his favorite Spider-man costume and cape. I smiled as I pictured him in my head running around the house in full Spider-man mode. I bent down and kissed him on the forehead.
“I love you son and I’m so sorry.” My emotions got the best of me and I couldn’t control the tears.
“Come on baby,” Peaches said, rubbing my back. She was finally able to grab me away from the casket and I sat down next to Keesha and my kids. I tried to grab her hand but she yanked it away.
“That’s enough Keesha. You and Quaadir need each other right now. It’s time you stop all of this stubbornness,” Aunt Ruth said in a low tone.
“If he had put his gun up then we wouldn’t be here right now.” I was officially done at
that moment and I couldn’t even sit there any longer. That only made me jump up and leave out of the service. My whole family had flown in from Chicago and I knew they would represent me to the fullest. I would just have to be there in spirit. That wasn’t my son lying in that casket. That was just his vessel. I knew that his soul was in Heaven with God and he was now our guardian angel.
I headed straight to the crib and to the bar. I had been drinking like crazy. It was the only thing that was numbing me from all the pain and hurt that I was going through. I went inside of my office and I opened up my lock box where I kept my hidden stash of PCP. I honestly didn’t even know why I still had it in my possession. I hadn’t smoked the shit since that time I went off and beat the shit out of Keesh.
I laughed on the inside as I thought about when I cut that nigga’s head off. I took my custom made Glock out of the book and set it in front of me. I laid back and stared at the PCP, not really sure if I wanted to smoke that shit but knowing it would numb me. I just wanted to stop seeing my son dead on the bedroom floor lifeless. I grabbed the lighter and I flamed it up. As soon as the drugs hit my lungs I started floating into another fucking world. That’s exactly where the fuck I needed to be in order to deal with this shit.
Chapter 16- In My Feelings
Keesha
I had just watched my son be lowered into his final resting place. The hardest part was leaving my baby out there alone. I felt like a bad mother as I rode back home in the family car. Regardless of the tragedy that had just hit my family, I knew I had to get it together for my kids that were still here on Earth. They had been just as out of it as I was. I needed to find Quaadir because I was pissed he left the service. I don’t care what I said or how I was acting with him. How could he just leave like that and not see our son laid to rest? I’m so fucking angry with Quaadir right now. I can’t even stand to look at him. Never in all of my years of being with him have I ever hated him as much as I do right now. Hate is such a strong word but I swear to God I hate him. It’s his fault my son is dead and I just can’t forgive him for being so fucking reckless right now.
*****
“We need to talk Keesha.” I looked up from the glass of Remy I was drinking. Quaadir was standing over me with a bottle in his hand. The repast was in full swing and everybody was getting fucked up and enjoying one another despite our reason for being there.
“I don’t feel like talking right now.”
“It wasn’t a motherfucking question. Either you get up and take this walk with me or I’m gone drag your ass out of here!”
“I wish the fuck I would.” I looked at him in his eyes and I knew that he was high off of that shit. That alone made me want to cry because shit was going to get worse before the shit gets better. When he smoked that shit he was a different type of animal and it scared me. At that moment I knew I had fucked up by shutting him out but I just wasn’t ready to talk to him. I turned around and got ready to turn my cup up but he grabbed me by my hair and started dragging me by my hair.
“Nigga you done lost your motherfucking mind dragging her like that!” I managed to look up and see Python standing there with his gun pointed at Quaadir.
“And you must have lost yours pulling that shit on my blood. You better put that shit up my nigga,” Thug said, with his gun pointed in the back of his head.
“Big bro got you in the back and I most definitely got you up front,” Malik said with his gun pointed at Python’s forehead. Python also had a crew of people with him. King, Dutch, Nasir, Quanie, Dro, Sarge and Remy had their guns pointed at his men. What confused me was that I don’t remember seeing Python at the service. Quaadir still had a firm ass grip on my hair.
“You better pull that trigger motherfucker! Because you better believe it’s wartime.”
“Nigga you done lost your motherfucking mind pulling a gun on my son in his motherfucking house. Get the fuck out of here!” Before I knew it Peaches rushed Python and started swinging on his ass and that made Tahari, Barbie, Rosé, Ta’Jay, Dior , Gucci, Chanel, and Khia start swinging on him and all his men. Mind you, Quaadir still had my hair tight. It was like he was stuck in a zone and wasn’t letting me go. He started dragging me again towards the back of the house. Out of nowhere Peaches stepped in and slapped the shit out of him and he eventually let my hair go.
“Let her the fuck go. I’ve told you to keep your hands off of her. What the fuck is wrong with you? I need y’all to get it the fuck together. I understand that your son is dead and you’re beating yourself up. but fighting her won’t help you cope.”
“I hate your ass!” I screamed out.
“You’re dead ass wrong Keesha. You’re not the only one who lost a motherfucking son. How dare you treat him like an enemy when he lost his child too? I’ve watched you be downright spiteful and mean to him from the moment this shit happened. You know Quaadir would lay down and die for them kids but you sitting here talking about you hate him. Really? After everything he has done for you. Now I don’t condone him for his behavior because from day one I’ve always got on his ass for hitting you and you for staying. However, you shouldn’t be blaming him.”
“Fuck her Momma!” Quaadir said, as he threw the bottle up against the wall and it shattered everywhere.”
“Calm the fuck down Quaadir!” Thug said and that made them start fighting one another. Everybody was trying to break them up. It all just became too much for me and I got the fuck out of there. Out of all days for us to be clowning, we did it on the day of my baby’s funeral. This shit is sad on all of our parts.
*****
“You just gone sit out here all night by yourself,” Tahari said as she came and sat down beside me. I was sitting on the edge of my pool with my feet in the water.
“I just needed some time to myself. It’s too much going on in the house. Can you believe the way Quaadir acting?”
“Not any of them Thug Inc. niggas surprise me with their behavior. We all know they are passionate about what they believe in. I am, however, surprised at how you’re acting.” She handed me a glass and poured me a shot of Remy and then one for herself.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means exactly the way it sounded. You’re punishing Quaadir and it’s not fair. You guys need to be supporting one another not fighting each other. Quameer is gone and I know it’s hard but you guys still have three other children in there who need you. Y’all need to get your shit together and fix your relationship.” I shook my head and just laughed at her loudly.
“What the fuck is so funny?”
“Your ass is funny.” I poured me another shot and just stared at her because she was a cold piece of work my big sister.
“Enlighten me Keesha because I seem to have missed the joke. I must have on a big red nose and big ass clown shoes on the way your ass is laughing.”
“I’m laughing because I find it funny how you always sit back and get on the rest of us about our relationships and how we need to fix things. Meanwhile, you sitting over here with a bruised ass face and your husband is in there all stitched up from you stabbing him and fleeing the scene. By the way, have you guys said anything to each other? From what I see, you’ve been avoiding him like the plague. So please don’t sit here and judge me about how I need to treat Quaadir or handle him. That’s my husband and I don’t need nobody telling me how I should handle things. I handle shit my way. Oh yeah, I forgot you know him real well. Maybe I should take your advice. After all, he wishes I was you anyway.”
“Come on now Keesha. That’s not fair. You know damn well that thing with me and Quaadir has been over for years. Please watch what the fuck you say before you get anymore fucking drama started. I hate that you feel that way. Outside of anything that transpired between Quaadir and me, the fact is he loves his wife and I without a doubt love my husband. I’ll be the first to admit that I need to work on my relationship with my husband with regards to how we behave towards one another in the heat of passion but what the f
uck you got to know is what Thug and I have is real and it’s always been that way. Don’t worry about how I handle Thug or how he handles me. We go together like a hand in a glove but you already knew that. You’re my sister and I love you with everything inside of me but please don’t ever come for me with regards to my nigga. Your focus should be on Quaadir and why the fuck he keeps comparing you to me.”
Before I could respond, she walked away but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to go after her because that wasn’t going to do anything but make us continue arguing with one another. There’s enough bullshit going on already so it was never my intention. I don’t want to fight with my sister. If anything I need her but Tahari always has a comeback for something no matter how much the shit hurts. I would be lying if I said my feelings weren’t hurt behind her making that last statement but I do take ownership of the things I said to her with regards to Quaadir.
I know Tahari like a book and the way she responded had nothing to do with the statement I made about Quaadir. Tahari’s problem is it’s okay for her to tell everybody off for their behavior but when you say some shit to her she goes into boss lady mode. I love her but fuck her and that bullshit shit she was on. I poured me another drink and as soon as I knocked it back all I could hear was commotion in the house again. I thought death was supposed to bring a family together but it seems like it’s tearing this family apart.
Chapter 17- Family Drama
(Tahari)
I felt bad after I spoke those words to my sister because I know she is really bothered by the fact that Quaadir and I had sex. It’s crazy because we’ve become so close as a family it seems like the shit never happened. At first I used to get vibes and I would catch him looking at my ass but that shit stopped a long time ago after we had that first talk. I know for a fact that Quaadir doesn’t even look at me like that. I can name one reason and that’s Thug. Trust me, Quaadir values life. It took a long time for Thug to get to a point where he was comfortable with us being alone together. Despite all of that, I know that it’s no solace to my sister if she feels in her heart that her husband still has a thing for me. Although I had no idea about her or who he was for that matter, I still feel bad for sleeping with him. Being in the room with your husband and his brother knowing you fucked both of them is so awkward. I sit there so fucking ashamed. Over the years I’ve gotten past the shit and I just want my sister to be comfortable around me. I don’t want her thinking she’s not good enough for Quaadir because of me. I really don’t even think that’s the case. I think right now she’s just in her feelings.
