Jenna turned slightly as Dalton Renfro smiled back at Lindsey and nodded a greeting. But the deputy sheriff didn’t take advantage of the empty space beside her friend. He spoke to someone at the front of the church, then retreated to the back pew by himself.
“You’re going to have to plant yourself in the last row if you want that man to sit by you.”
Lindsey sighed. “He sits back there in case he gets a call. He doesn’t want to disturb everyone else. Believe me, I’ve thought about it. But with the five rows in front of him usually empty, it would be all too clear what I was up to. It probably wouldn’t work anyway. He barely knows I’m alive.”
“Don’t be silly. I didn’t see him smiling like that at anybody else. Don’t give up.”
Sadness filled Lindsey’s eyes, and the corners of her mouth dipped in disappointment. “I’m ready to.” She leaned forward, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve been in love with him since I was a junior in high school. Eleven years, and he’s never shown any interest. I’m such a goof. It’s stupid for me to think anything good is going to happen between us.”
“He keeps pretty busy with his job.” Though Jenna wasn’t quite sure doing what. There wasn’t a large criminal element in the county. Probably because Dalton and the rest of the sheriff’s department kept a close watch on things.
“He had time to date Alyson Ford, Miss I-Can-Do-Everything-Perfect County Extension agent.” Lindsey made a face. “Sorry, that was uncalled for. She was nice enough and very good at her job. And everything else.”
“She chose a job promotion and move to Dallas over him. I don’t know how much he cared for her, but that had to be disappointing.”
“So now he’s gun-shy, which gives him another reason to have nothing to do with me.”
Nate walked through the door, and Jenna’s heart did a little flutter.
“Nate must be here.”
Jenna’s gaze slid back to Lindsey. “I’m that bad, huh?”
“You are.” She rested her hand on the back of the pew. “And I think it’s great. I’ll stay up here and prattle about how bored I get at the bank until he looks at you.”
Nate’s parents came in after him, and Jenna’s joy took a nosedive. She’d saved a seat for him, but with all the Callahans filling the rest of the row, there wasn’t room for his folks. What loving son would abandon his mom and dad on his first day back in the church he had grown up in? Especially when they hadn’t been in church for a while, either?
He looked at her and smiled, then glanced at the almost full pew and shrugged. She smiled back and nodded in understanding. He shook hands with several men.
As he passed them, Lindsey slid back, picking up the bulletin. Nate followed his parents into seats two rows up, right where Jenna had a good view of him. She’d noticed dark circles under his eyes, but his back was straight and his shoulders squared with the military bearing that seemed second nature these days. He still looked good in a navy blue Western shirt and new blue Wranglers.
As the worship team began to play guitars, piano, and drums and led out in a joyful wake-up, everyone-hurry-inside chorus, Jenna automatically sang the words. But her heart wasn’t in it. She was busy watching two young women check out Nate and try to catch his eye. Where had they been, Mars? Surely the gossip mill had alerted every eligible female in the county that he was dating her. Isn’t he?
He didn’t appear to notice them, or at least he wasn’t paying them any attention. Good. She missed the next verse and sang the wrong words for a full line, earning a glance and raised eyebrow from her mother. Oh, bad. Being jealous was wrong anytime, but on Sunday morning during church? And being so transparent? Very, very bad.
What business did she have being jealous anyway? They’d only gone on one date. Yes, they cared for each other. They always had. But there was no special, hands-off-to-anybody-else commitment between them. She didn’t even want one.
Silly woman. Of course she did. Jenna noticed the rest of the congregation beginning to sit down, so she quickly did the same. She’d been so lost in thought that she hadn’t realized the song had ended. Good thing she’d quit singing somewhere along the way.
Will leaned closer, whispering in her ear. “You okay?”
“Fine, but my mind keeps wandering.”
“Thinking about little britches’ party?”
She nodded, then inwardly grimaced. Add lying to her morning’s list of sins. Father, forgive me.
“With you in command, it’ll be great.” He patted her hand, then turned his attention to the song leader as the worship team began another song.
That’s the problem, she thought. I’m not in command of anything. Not my life. Not my emotions or feelings. Not even the party. Her mom had done most of the organizing and preparation. She apparently hadn’t considered that her daughter might like to plan the party or decide on the theme. Cowboys or race cars? Mom picked race cars—which was fine, but Jenna thought Zach would have liked Elmo more. Lately, he was big into the happy red muppet.
She hadn’t said anything about it. When Sue debated between burgers or tacos, she should have suggested pizza, one of Zach’s favorites. But she hadn’t. Throwing parties was her mom’s thing. She loved it and took great delight in putting together the celebration for her precious only grandchild.
So while Jenna had been miffed and inwardly pouted, she’d kept her silence, not wanting to diminish her mother’s joy. Nor was that the only reason for not wanting to stir things up. She owed her parents. Though she didn’t think they realized it, certain things were expected of her because she lived with them. At times she felt as if she was under their control and authority as much as she’d been in high school.
Yet they were wonderful to her and Zach in so many ways. After Jimmy left, her deep depression and despair had made it impossible to be on her own. She had needed her parents and her brothers to ramrod her life. It had taken all her effort to tend to Zach, leaving no energy or motivation to take care of herself. Her family and the Lord had saved her. She thanked God every day for their love, support, and protection. But now they were stifling her.
Or perhaps more truthfully, she was finally ready to make a go of it on her own. Hopefully, she wouldn’t have to live her whole life alone, but she could if that’s what God had in store.
She hadn’t asked to move into her grandparents’ house yet, but she had to talk to them about it. Maybe today after the party. For certain tomorrow.
They sang a couple of slow praise songs. This time she tried to focus on the music. Nate appeared to be doing the same, although Misty Dumont still seemed more interested in him than the church service. Jenna decided she couldn’t fault her too much since she was watching her watch him. The cute brunette sat right across the aisle from Nate and in front of Jenna. The only way to ignore her was to close her eyes, which she finally did.
When Pastor Brad began preaching, she took notes. That helped keep her mind somewhat on the sermon, instead of totally focusing on the other woman’s ridiculous attempts to get Nate to look at her. How many times could one person drop her bulletin or cough delicately or say “Amen!” when the minister made a point? Or no point at all, since Misty piped up once when he paused to look up a Scripture. That earned her some curious looks—including one from Nate. All that from someone who hadn’t shouted amen the whole time she had attended Grace Community.
At the end of the service, Misty timed her exit perfectly to bump into Nate. After a fake flustered moment, she introduced herself, batting her eyelashes and holding out her hand. Nate politely shook her hand and told her his name. Misty loudly began to fawn over him, acting as if she hadn’t known who he was all along, going on and on about him being a war hero.
Jenna didn’t think that earned her any points, but she watched to see Nate’s reaction anyway. His face turned red, and he tried to edge away.
Will nudged Jenna with his elbow. “Are you going to go rescue him or keep me trapped in this pew all afternoon?�
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“Oh, sorry.” She stepped into the aisle. “Do you think I should?”
“Better you than me. If I go over there, she might think I’m interested in asking her out again.”
“What a good idea.”
“No way.” He lowered his voice so nobody else would hear him. “She’s trollin’ for a breadwinner and uses a short skirt for bait.”
“She’s always seemed nice.” Until now. “Her skirt’s not that short.”
“It’s Sunday.” He let the implication sink in. “The only reason she comes to church is to find a man, and the pickin’s are better here than in a bar.”
“That’s a harsh thing to say.”
“I’m not being judgmental. She told me that herself.”
“You’re kidding.” Jenna stared at her brother.
Will shook his head grimly. “Afraid not. Now, go rescue the poor guy.”
Jenna looked back at Nate as Misty possessively grasped his arm, her lips forming a flirty pout. Anger flashed across his face, and he jerked free from her grasp. For a second, Jenna was too surprised to move. Then she decided Misty might be the one who needed rescuing.
Hurrying the few steps down the aisle, she heard Nate growl, “Back off, lady.” Wide-eyed, Misty nodded and scooted between two rows of seats toward the other side of the sanctuary.
Jenna spoke quietly. “Hi, Nate.”
He turned toward her, fury blazing in his eyes. He took a deep breath, and his anger dimmed but didn’t fade away completely. “Hi.”
There was no sense in asking if he was okay. Make small talk. “We’re moving the party to 4:00 instead of 3:00. That way Zach can have a good nap. If we can get him to take one at all.”
“I suppose he’s pretty excited.” His voice sounded strained, and she could see his pulse pounding in the vein in his neck.
“That’s an understatement.” She turned toward the back of the church. Because of the crowd ahead of them, the going was slow. Her arm swung naturally between them, and she let the back of her hand brush his. When he curled his fingers around hers, almost crushing them, she knew she had to get him out of there.
“Let’s go out the back way and down the hall to get Zach in the nursery. He’s liable to make his getaway if nobody is watching him closely.”
Nate nodded and let her lead him through an empty row and back down the outside aisle, which had already cleared out of people. They went through a side door and down the hall, dodging a group of elementary kids playing chase. The farther they went, the more Nate’s grip eased. By the time they were close to the nursery, his hold had relaxed to normal. She glanced at him, and he nodded, releasing her hand.
“I’m okay now. I’m not going to slug anybody.”
“As if you would.” Jenna chuckled.
He shuddered, bringing her to a halt. She ushered him into the empty kindergarten room and shut the door. “Nate, what’s going on?”
Closing his eyes, he slumped against the wall, his shoulders sagging. “I don’t know. I should have been flattered by . . .” He looked at her. “What’s her name?”
“Misty.”
“Or maybe amused by Misty’s attention. But she was too pushy. She wouldn’t back off. Wouldn’t take the hint that I’m not interested and wanted to be left alone. When she grabbed hold of my arm, I almost lost it.”
“You wouldn’t have hit her. I know you, Nate. You’ve never hit a woman in your life.”
“Wrong.”
“What?”
“She was trying to smash in my face with a piece of pipe.”
“Oh, well, that’s different.” She moved closer. “But I don’t believe for a second that you would have hit Misty.”
He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed heavily. “I guess I still have a thread of decency left.”
“More than a thread. You look terribly tired.” Now she was annoyed but not at him. “Daddy shouldn’t have worked you so hard your first week back.”
“It wasn’t the work.” Nate pushed away from the wall and wandered around the elementary-school-sized desks to the windows, watching the churchgoers slowly disperse. “I enjoyed every minute of it, even when I was worn out. I haven’t been sleeping much, so my nerves are on edge. It’s been going on for a while, even before I came home.”
“Can’t you take something?”
“No! No pills.” He sent her a sharp glance. “I’ve known too many guys who got hooked on them. And they mess with your mind.”
“Not any more than total exhaustion will.” She joined him by the window, mindful that she could only linger a couple more minutes before picking up Zach. “I’ve been down that road. Finally getting something to help me sleep probably kept me from a nervous breakdown.”
“I can’t do it, Jen. They had me doped up after I got hurt, and it was awful. The meds made me hallucinate. I didn’t know who or where I was.”
“Pain medication is different from sleeping pills.”
“Maybe it is, but I’m not going to risk it.”
“What about something over the counter?”
“I’ve tried everything out there and nothing helps. But I’ll get over it. I always do. Being on edge for a while has happened every time I returned from the war zone. It’s just taking longer to go away this time.” His lips lifted in a smile, but there was no joy reflected in his face or his eyes. “Shouldn’t you pick up Zach?”
“Yes. It’s not right to make the nursery volunteer wait.”
He rested his hand on her shoulder as they walked to the door. “Please don’t mention this to anybody. Especially not your dad. I don’t want him to send me packing after a week on the job.”
“I think he’d be more understanding than that, but I won’t say anything to anyone.”
Standing behind her, he slid his hand around her waist and stopped her before she opened the door. He rested his cheek against her hair, his breath warm against her temple. “I’m sorry you were hurt so bad, honey, but I’m thankful that you’re part of my life again.”
She closed her hand over his. “I am too.” Would she become a bigger part of his life? Could she?
Please, God, help me not to be afraid to love again.
15
Nate carried Zach, and Jenna hauled the diaper bag as they made their way to the church foyer. They could have sneaked out the back door, but he wanted to meet the pastor. He suspected that even if he hadn’t, Jenna would have insisted on it. She thought highly of the minister.
Most of the folks were already outside, so they didn’t have to wait in a line to speak to him. Jenna made the introductions, and Nate shook hands with Pastor Brad.
“I’m glad to finally meet you, Nate. I’ve heard a lot about you. All of it good,” he added with a friendly smile.
“I’ve heard good things about you too, sir.” Nate glanced at Jenna. “I understand you were a chaplain in Iraq.”
“Finished my tour a couple of years ago. I was mostly in Baghdad.”
“My unit spent some time in the city. Generally, things were getting better when I left than when I first arrived.”
“That’s good to hear.” Despite the pastor’s friendly smile, he studied Nate’s face, searched his eyes. Could he see into his soul? Discern his torment?
Pastor Brad shifted his attention to Zach. “I hear today is your birthday.”
Zach nodded. “Uh-huh.”
“How old are you?”
“My two.” Zach held up four fingers.
“Are you going to have a party?”
“Yeah, birf-day party. With ’loons.”
“And cake?”
Zach looked at Jenna. When she nodded, he turned back to the minister. “Yeah. Cake.” He grinned and shifted, resting his arm across Nate’s shoulder.
As always, that little symbol of acceptance and affection warmed Nate’s heart.
Pastor Brad noticed it too. He met Nate’s gaze with a twinkle in his eyes. “I think you’ve made a friend.”
�
��Yes, sir. Zach’s my buddy.”
“He’s a good one to have.” The merriment faded from the pastor’s expression. “Come by and see me, Nate. I’d like more of a chance to talk.”
I bet you would. The conversation might not start out about the war, but Nate figured it wouldn’t be long before the astute ex-chaplain brought it up. Talking about the war was the last thing Nate wanted to do. He wanted to forget it. Not rehash everything and revive more memories to haunt him.
“I’ll try to make time, but between working at the ranch and the farm, I’m going to be pretty busy.” The best thing he could do was keep his distance from the well-meaning preacher.
Pastor Brad held his gaze. “I hope you can make time. But if you can’t stop by, give me a call. Anytime.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, sir.” Nate nodded to let him know he understood the underlying message, that the minister was available night or day if he needed counseling. Not that he would take him up on it. He’d never talked about anything personal with a chaplain.
There had been times he’d discussed sermons or Scripture, but he’d never given anyone in the military a glimpse of what was going on in his mind. From what he’d seen, if there was any hint that a soldier was cracking under the stress, his career would be finished. He didn’t figure it would be any different as a civilian. If people thought he was going wacko, they wouldn’t want anything to do with him.
“I’d better get this little guy home so he can have lunch and rest. It was a good sermon.” Jenna played with Zach’s fingers as he wiggled his hand in front of her face.
The pastor glanced at Nate, then focused on Jenna. “Glad you think so.” His expression held a hint of amusement, and Jenna’s face turned pink.
“Well, that poor fussy baby was a little distracting.”
Nate remembered a baby crying for a few minutes, but the mother had hustled out of the sanctuary before it caused much of a problem.
Pastor Brad grinned. “Among other things.” He scanned the foyer and lowered his voice. “I heard more amens this morning than I’ve heard in a month.”
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