by Holly Bourne
I knew then that I could nod and pretend and widen the gap. Or I could shake my head and admit that no, I really wasn’t all right… But maybe, just maybe, this way I’d get to keep them.
I shook my head, a tear leaking out.
“Oh no.” Amber pulled me closer. “What is it?”
“Well, as we’re on the subject of not sharing with each other. I’ve…I’ve…” I stammered.
BAD THOUGHT
Don’t tell them. What if they tell you to break up with him? What if they don’t understand?
GOOD THOUGHT
Evie, come on. When have they ever not understood?
“It’s Oli,” I blurted out. “He’s relapsed. Badly. And I don’t know what to do.”
As the air got colder, I coloured it in for them. How quickly it had come on. How suffocated I felt. How guilty I felt about feeling suffocated. How I was scared his relapse would trigger another one in me. I told them about my night. About his endless messages. His endless need for reassurance. Then I told them about calling him…
There was a silence as the other two digested it all.
“Okay,” Amber said slowly. “So tonight is basically a who’s-been-keeping-the-biggest-secret competition.”
Lottie put her hand up. “Do I win? You know I love winning.”
We all sniggered, but our sadness stopped its evolution into laughter.
“Evie, that sounds so tough,” Lottie said. “I mean, again, it’s not the happily ever after I bet you two painted for yourselves…”
I nodded, clenching my fists, her words sinking in, knowing they were right. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. We’d both worked so hard to get better. Us, our love, was our reward. We were supposed to be basking in the harvest of our efforts, not tumbling back down into dark rabbit holes.
“You still love him though?” Amber asked. “You still want to be with him?”
I bit my lip, nodded.
BAD THOUGHT
This is it. This is when they tell you to end it, this is when you may lose them.
I couldn’t breathe.
“Then you’ll find a way, Evie,” Amber said, and I exhaled so much in relief that I almost passed out. “If you want to make it work, you’ll find a way of making it work. It’s new though, and it’s unfair. You’re probably still in the why-the-hell-has-this-happened-to-me? period. But once you’ve grieved that it happened, you can work on boundaries and how to handle your own mental health as well as his.”
“Did you just say the words ‘grieved that it happened’?” Lottie interrupted. “Holy mother of bumholes, you are American already.” Amber whacked her. “Seriously though,” Lottie continued. “Amber’s right. I think that’s what I’ve been doing too. Mourning the fact my life isn’t turning out exactly how it should, especially considering what a brilliant and amazing person I am.”
We both thumped her.
“Okay, REALLY seriously now,” she laughed.
The grief had melted off her face. Her cheeks were red, her eyes bright. I knew she would hurt about Will, but now I felt it wouldn’t be for long. Us not being us had cut off all of our oxygen. We’d all been suffocating. But I didn’t think we would let that happen again.
“It sounds hard, but it also sounds like Oli was pretty awesome tonight, when it was you needing him, not him needing you.”
“He was. He was amazing.” The way he’d taken charge, the way he’d snapped straight into caregiver rather than care-receiver. How he’d got my breathing down, understood exactly what I needed to hear and said it.
“I mean, Will was always terrible when I was upset.” Her voice quivered on the word “Will”. “He’d always try and logic me out of it, you know? ‘That’s not reasonable, Lottie. Your housemates aren’t that bad, Lottie.’ If I was upset and I turned to him, I’d almost always end up feeling worse. But Oli was great to you – because he’s been there, because he gets it. And have you thought, maybe, yes, there’s a reason for that and there’s a downside to that reason, but also it’s pretty damn special?”
I started crying. “You’ve made me cry again.”
She was crying too. “I’ve made me cry again.”
“Hey,” Amber complained. “I feel left out. Say something deep and meaningful to me so I can cry too.”
“You’re moving to America?” I suggested.
And, instead of laughing, Amber burst into tears.
We sat and cried, clutching each other for warmth, for stability. It was so cold the tears almost stuck to my cheeks, turning into tiny blobs of ice.
“Look.” Amber pointed. “Fireworks.”
Off in the distance, the sky turned to glitter and we had our own panoramic view. We lay on the ground, our heads together, and watched the new black sky of this New Year dance and spiral with light. It would be another whole year until the earth was in this exact spot. Another year of growing, changing, learning and, inevitably, being let down by life and the fact that it just keeps going, rather than pausing on the days when everything is going well.
I thought of the three girls who’d sat here over two years ago, on the cusp of a friendship that would change their lives. I thought of what we’d been through since then, the stories we’d made, the people we’d met, how much we’d learned – and yet, tonight we’d learned even more.
We will not let go of the threads of each other. We will not shut each other out.
Life would keep moving on. Things were going to change and evolve. And I was okay with that, as long as we put the work in to make sure our friendship changed and evolved with it.
“What year is it anyway?” Amber asked. “Monkey? Tiger?”
“I think that’s Chinese New Year,” I said.
“Well, that’s just being difficult.”
We giggled, until Lottie said, “My arse is SO COLD, can we please go back to the house party where I got horribly dumped so I can exorcize the spirit of it?”
“Yep.”
We stood, shaking our limbs, trying to get warmth back into them.
Halfway down the hill, I stopped.
“It’s the Year of the Spinster,” I said, proudly.
We all paused and looked at each other. The faces I knew so well – that would age and wrinkle, with haircuts that would come and go, and lines that would deepen. Some from laughter, some from sadness. Time would march determinedly on, and we would hold onto each other determinedly as it did so.
“Oh, Eves.” Lottie pulled us both in for a hug. “Let’s make sure every year is the Year of the Spinster.”
The End
Having written a book for each of the Spinster Club girls and now the novella too, how do you feel they have grown as characters? Did they develop in the way you originally expected them to?
I’m just so proud of them!! I know they’re not real, but they are to me. And seeing them grow from anxious teens attending bad gigs because they feel they should, into mature young women who aren’t afraid to call bullshit…it melts my heart. I don’t plan my books (which scares my agent – sorry, Maddy!) but I do always have a vague idea of where I want things to go. Before the Spinster Club trilogy this worked fine. But because Evie and Amber and Lottie were so sparky and independent, all three books deviated madly from my outlines. I’ve been riding their rollercoaster for three years, and it’s been the best fun ever (though, yes, admittedly terrifying).
How does your own feminist journey compare to Evie, Amber and Lottie’s?
I definitely found it later on in life. I don’t think I really considered myself a feminist, or even knew about feminism, until I was about twenty-five. But the day I did, so much fell into place. I finally had a word to describe all the ick I was feeling, and found other people who believed in my ick. Overnight I felt instantly stronger. That’s why I wrote these books – to try and get people onto their own feminist journeys as early as possible. Because the quicker we all get there, the quicker we can change the world. I’m jealous that I didn’t have Evie,
Amber and Lottie at my school. But they’re here for my readers, and I hope feminism gives my readers the fire and fun in their lives that it has for me.
Why was it important to you to write about these girls tackling feminist issues?
I think a lot of young people right now feel helpless – like they’re too young to change things, too young to be taken seriously, too young to be listened to. I wanted my books to show that this is NONSENSE. That young people can fight, do fight, and can be a giant force to be reckoned with. You are the future, and, by God, from those of you I’ve met already, this is some kick-ass future. And it’s never too early to start reclaiming your future.
How difficult did you find it switching between three different voices? And which of the girls do you relate to the most?
I always found the start of each book tricky, as I’d be mourning being in the previous character’s head. I WANT EVIE BACK or I WANT AMBER BACK. I’d have to be really tough in the editing process to make sure Evie’s innocence wasn’t clambering into Amber’s sarcasm, or Lottie’s voice wasn’t bamboozling its way into…well…everything, as that girl does dominate. I definitely relate the most to Evie, as Am I Normal Yet? is the most autobiographical book I’ll ever write. But I am cynical and sarcastic like Amber, and, on my good days, I like to think I’m as brave as Lottie.
What have been your own best and worst New Year’s Eve experiences?
I honestly cannot think of one New Year’s Eve where I’ve actually enjoyed myself. I hate it. I remember once my friend Rachel got tonsillitis and couldn’t come out and I’ve never been so jealous in my whole life.
So, my worst? Actually, Lottie and Will’s demise was inspired by my worst ever New Year – when a guy I’d been seeing on and off decided the countdown to midnight was a good time to tell me it was off for good. Yep. That happened. I left the party at about 12.02 a.m., blubbing my eyes out. But what’s so great about being an author is that pain is never wasted! Eleven years later, it’s a scene in a book :)
For people like Amber who think that “Nice things don’t happen on New Year’s Eve” what’s the best way to see in midnight without throwing a party?
You need only three things. One, a spoon. Two, a baked Camembert. Three, elasticated trousers.
And finally, what would you say to Evie, Amber and Lottie if they were standing in front of you now?
Umm, dudes? Can I be in your Spinster Club?
“Mental illnesses grab you by the leg, screaming, and chow you down whole.” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 9
“KOOKY!? I’d finally made it down the weirdness spectrum to merely kooky!” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 2
“‘Boink’ is retro. It’s funnier than ‘shag’, less cringe than ‘make love’, and less offensive than ‘fuck’.” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 4
“It was all very well being a strong independent woman, but it was hard when boys’ confusing behaviour kept making you lose your focus.” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 23
“Just be yourself. Just be happy being you. The best way to fight girls like Melody is to not buy into all their crap. Be strong, be outspoken, be respected for the right stuff.” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 13
“Was it mental to want someone to love you? Was it mental to want to be courted before you let a guy put an actual piece of his body inside your body? Was it mental to want a message after you’d kissed someone? Was it mental to want the most normal thing in the world – a relationship? One that didn’t make your heart feel like it was full of bogeys? Was it mental to not want your heart stamped on until it shattered?” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 41
“Maybe all the things we fight against – people like you, me, and FemSoc and all the FemSocs around the country – maybe we won’t see the change straight away, or at all? But we will have left ripples and some people somewhere in the future will be glad for our ripples and inspired to make their own.” What’s A Girl Gotta Do? chapter 23
“Do you ever worry you’re being a teenager wrong?” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 10
“No amount of lovely, romantic hair-tucking will overcome my hair’s need to respond to a humid environment.” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 20
“… Shall we save some time here? English people call yards, gardens. And we call jelly, jam. And we call potato chips, crisps. And we call french fries, chips, and…and… And, well, Americans use ‘fanny’ to describe your butt, and we use the word ‘fanny’ to talk about OUR BIG ENGLISH VAGINAS, OKAY?” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 5
“He made my loins go fluttery.” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 11
“British?” I tried to explain. “We make jokes about uncomfortable topics to feel less awkward about them?” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 22
“Sometimes the best things about people are the things that hurt them. Take my feminism for instance – sometimes I think it’s not worth it. I get so angry at how unfair it all is and how hard it is to change things. I don’t know how…happy it makes me, but it’s one of my favourite things about me.” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 27
“There was the love in life you couldn’t choose. The love you just felt, that you couldn’t let go of, that tortured you and messed you up and made you sometimes too screwed up to let the other kind of love in. The other kind of love was the love you did choose. The love you didn’t have to give, but you gave anyway. Since I’d met Evie and Lottie, I’d begun to learn I was capable of that love.” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 28
“We can reinvent the word ‘spinster’, make it the complete opposite of what it means. Like ‘young’ and ‘independent’ and ‘strong’.” Am I Normal Yet? chapter 20
“Hang on, I need cheesy snacks. I cannot lecture on women’s equality without a stash of cheesy snacks…” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 13
“The word feminism acknowledges that, since the dawn of time, society historically split humans into two categories – male and female – and one has uncontrollably shat on the other…” What’s A Girl Gotta Do? chapter 11
“I want to be a strong, independent woman with a good career and I don’t want my happiness to depend on some bloke on a pony rescuing me.” What’s A Girl Gotta Do? chapter 18
“Oh, be still my beating loins.” How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 13
“Maybe all you needed in life was the belief you could change things. Somehow. Some way.” What’s A Girl Gotta Do? chapter 9
“Fighting for something you believe in isn’t easy. If you hit a sore spot, people are going to swipe at you, gripe at you, try to undermine you, infuriate you, try to shut you up and put you back in your box. I was starting to learn that was a sign you were asking the right questions, picking the right scabs. And though it’s easy to lose yourself along the way, and start focusing on all the people who don’t want things to change – for whatever broken, messed-up reasons of their own – you can easily find your way back. By listening to the people giving you a hand up. To the people who have your back. To the people who don’t think you’re a raving lunatic. Let them be your mirror – not the haters. Let them give you the strength to get the job done.” What’s A Girl Gotta Do? chapter 46
The night the girls first met at the party. The scene where they go up the hill and sit on a bench after is just <3 Rachel @_sectumsemprah
When Evie destroys stereotypes of mental health in AINY? – how ridiculous it is when people say “oh I’m so OCD” etc. Denise @TheBibliolater
When the girls were having a “vagina meeting” via Skype in HHCLB? and Russ and Kyle walked in. Gem @mountainofbooks
I still love “sexy ferret”. CM Murphy @Cyn_Murphy
I love all the passion for cheesy snacks! And in How Hard Can Love Be? I love the girls’ Skype calls. And the canoe bit in How Hard Can Love Be? And the horn in What’s a Girl Gotta Do? And… Alexia Casale @AlexiaCasale
I love Amber’s dysfunctional relationship with her mum. Annalise @AnnaliseBooks
The Sorting in How Hard Can Love Be? Amazing way of showing tensions in
Amber and her mum’s relationship. Maia @andalittlemoore
Definitely the discussion about periods in AINY? Emily @UncoverAllure
“I know the theme of tonight’s meeting is periods but did you really have to get themed biscuits?” Still hilarious. Something Like Lydia @thinglikelydia
When they remind the boys that their mums have periods. fictional_and_fabulous via Instagram
When they talk about the Bechdel test because I had never heard of it and couldn’t believe how many films don’t meet the criteria to pass it! jcwreads via Instagram
Bechdel test for sure. hol2205 via Instagram
When Lottie watches the news in WAGGD? and realizes how much she talked about a certain someone… Amber @MileLongBookS
Definitely the moments of Lottie wisdom! Especially when talking about Margaret Thatcher and feminism or lack of. So insightful and just great. josiecoz via Instagram
I love the scene in WAGGD? when Lottie’s at her lowest, and the Spinster Club rallies round to read her all the incredible messages of support. Goosebumps! Rebecca Hill @rebeccashill
The Girl-Next-Door-Slut scene in AINY? :) @holly_bourneYA
SPINSTER CLUB SERIES
See how the Spinster Club began in:
AM I NORMAL YET?
Normal at 16 =
College
Friends who won’t dump you
Parties? Fun?
A boyfriend?
All Evie wants is to be normal. And now that she’s almost off her meds and at a new college where no one knows her as the girl-who-went-nuts, there’s only one thing left to tick off her list…
But relationships can mess with anyone’s head – something Evie’s new friends Amber and Lottie know only too well. The trouble is, if Evie won’t tell them her secrets, how can they stop her making a huge mistake?
“Finally, an author who GETS it.”
