by Dyan Sheldon
Ely showed up at the stand today dressed as the Vegetable Avenger. The Vegetable Avenger rights wrongs to the Vegetable Kingdom. He turns back pesticides, saves organic farms from being contaminated by GM seeds, rescues plants from polluted land and water, and is the enemy of industrial farming. Ely was wearing green leggings (at least the heatwave finally broke – otherwise he would’ve had to paint his legs), this orange smock thing of his mom’s, and a green paper bag with crêpe paper fronds glued to it. So basically he was a carrot. I said if only I’d known I would have come as celery. He said, “Then we could go to the beach for a dip!” I said you know, nobody’d believe you’re in college. Choked, we were laughing so much.
Connor texted me at least six times at work today! There’s a big softball game tomorrow afternoon and he wants me to go, to bring him and the team luck. Swapped my shift with Mike again.
Ely said if I spend much more time with my head bent over my phone, he’s going to forget what I look like. Ran out of charge around 4.30. Ely got on his knees to thank the gods of wireless communication just as the Countess pulled in. She wanted to know if he’d lost something. He said just some of his mind.
Had a dentist appointment this afternoon. Ely gave me a lift in his pick-up. He was still dressed as the Vegetable Avenger. The Vegetable Avenger may have several super powers, but being invisible isn’t one of them. Everybody was doing double takes. You should’ve seen their faces. It was hilarious. There was a lot of horn honking, but not like we were blocking the road or being too slow to move when the light changed or anything like that. It was happy honking. “You see?” said Ely. “The Vegetable Avenger spreads joy wherever he goes.” I said, “Joy and manure.” As soon as I sat down in the chair, Dr Croxley wanted to know if he really saw me pull up in a truck driven by a root vegetable. I said, “Yes.”
Worked with Louie on the epic saga of Love and Lawn-mowing tonight. I thought he was literally going to split his sides when I told him about the Vegetable Avenger. Naturally, Louie wants to film Ely. He figures he can make it a series. I said yeah, Killer Carrots Take Over the World. Then he wanted to know if I was bringing What’s-his-name to Movie Club this week. I said we couldn’t make it because of the game. Louie said, “Since when do you like softball?” I said I don’t know whether I like it or not, do I? I’ve never actually sat through a whole game. Louie said, “Maybe there’s a reason for that.”
There were three messages from Connor when I got back to Casa D’Angelo. One when he was almost home. One when he got home. And one after he had a shower. (I don’t even have to ask Nomi to know how UNPRECEDENTED that is!) I called him right back. He wanted to know what was up. He’d left three messages. I said I was charging my phone. He said he really wishes I’d charge it while I’m sleeping. He likes to be able to reach me. I said that if he always has to be able to reach me, it’s going to be a little hard for me to bungee jump off the Empire State Building or speak in front of the United Nations. He thought that was hilarious.
Connor came to pick me up. I’d been keeping watch because I wanted to get out of the door before my mom knew he was here, but Zelda distracted me by suddenly dumping everything in my bag on the floor. Anyway I think my mom must’ve spotted him even before he got out of the car. By the time I got to them they were old friends. She told us to have a good time, and she told him to drive carefully. It was excruciating. But Connor just smiled and said, “I always drive carefully, Mrs D’Angelo. You don’t have to worry about that.” And then she invited him to supper. Tomorrow! I almost fell off the porch. All I could think was she had to be kidding. She was inviting him to EAT WITH US? Was she trying to stop him from ever seeing me again? Fortunately, Connor’s doing extra shifts to make up for the days he lost killing fish, so he can’t do tomorrow. What a shame! But just as I started to relax, my mother said, “Well, what about next Friday?” I tried to tug Connor backwards, willing him to say, I’m really sorry but I’m busy that night, too. He said, “That’d be great. Thank you, Mrs D’Angelo. I’d love to come.” Which was when I did fall off the porch. I tripped over Mrs Claws. When we got in the car I was going to tell him that he didn’t have to come to supper just to be polite – I could make up some story about how he’d been infected by a virulent disease he’d contracted from coffee beans – but before I could open my mouth he handed me something wrapped in Christmas paper. (It was all he could find.) Inside was a crystal in the shape of a star to hang from my window. It was to say sorry for the other night when he flushed the toilet in the middle of our romantic space odyssey. HOW CUTE IS THAT?
I’m going to be honest. If we’re talking about sports, as far as softball goes, I’d probably rather watch gymnastics. (And if we’re talking just in general I’d rather watch a movie. Even one the guys picked.) But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy the game, because I did. It couldn’t fail, really. What was I going to do, read a book while Connor was playing? Fall asleep? Go sit in the car? Yeah, right. And next week I’m climbing Mount Everest dressed as Minnie Mouse. I couldn’t take my eyes off the field. And who was that girl bouncing up and down on her bench and screaming louder than anybody else? It was me! (Luckily Mom sometimes watches baseball on TV, so I had an idea of what was happening.) You know what else? I really did bring them luck. Connor scored two runs, and his team (the Smashers or the Crashers or the Bashers – something like that) won for the first time all season. You should’ve seen how happy Connor was. Afterwards we went with some of the team (Stu, JC, Albie and Milt) for pizza. I was the only girl, which was kind of weird because I just sat there smiling and nodding and acting like a silent echo. (It wouldn’t have been weird if they were my guys, because my guys think of me as a person. But these guys seemed to think of me as the girl with Connor, so they didn’t really talk to me. All they talked about was The Game, which is a lot less interesting than watching it.) Connor said he could tell they really liked me. I said, “Can you tell that I really like you?” I couldn’t believe I said that. Thank God we were sitting in the car and he couldn’t see me turn the colour of Farmer John’s tomatoes. I mean, where did that come from? I’ve never said anything like that before in my life. I’ve never even thought of saying anything like that. But you know what he said? He said: CAN YOU?
Went into the kitchen to get some water. Dad was fixing himself a snack. He wanted to know how the game went. I got a text while we were talking. Dad said, “Don’t tell me that’s him.” I said he just wanted to say goodnight. Dad said he thought we did that in the car. We were there long enough to say goodnight to the entire East Coast. I took the opportunity to beg him not to make dumb jokes when Connor comes to supper. He said he wouldn’t dream of it. Then he said the best thing about Connor coming to dinner is that at least that’ll be one night when he won’t be texting me all the time. Doom looms.
I always figured that if somebody stuck his tongue in my mouth it would be revolting. But it isn’t.
Because I changed my shift again, Farmer John wanted to know if I was playing musical chairs (only without the music and without the chairs). Ely said, “So what’s going on? You’re jumping around like a rabbit.” So I broke down and told him about Connor. “First boyfriend,” said Ely. “No wonder you keep dropping the vegetables and giving people the wrong change.” He wanted to know all about him. How we met. Where he lives. What he’s like. I said, “What are you, an honorary girl? I thought boys didn’t get into that stuff.” He said he wanted to make sure Connor’s good enough for me. He thinks of me as his kid sister. I said maybe he should think of me as somebody else’s kid sister.
Nomi came by the stand today with the two little kids she babysits. She was hoping to see Ely dressed as a carrot but he was just dressed as a boy. She said everybody wanted to know where I was last night. I was where I told them I’d be. I couldn’t very well not go to Connor’s game, could I? Nomi said wait till you’ve sat through half a dozen of them and the three-hour instant replay that happens after the game when the guys all hang ou
t together. Then you’ll jump at any excuse – hang-gliding for charity, a kangaroo hunt, plastic surgery, absolutely anything – to avoid having to sit through another one. I pointed out that there are millions of people in the world who are crazy about ball games. Nomi said, “Yeah, but you’re not one of them.” I said it’s all right for her to be jaded and cynical but this is all new to me. And anyway how does she know? Jax is the guy they invented bleachers for. She said, “But he’s a guitar freak, isn’t he? It boils down to the same thing.” She used to go with him every time he was having a musical moment with his friends. And she’s spent hours of her life sitting in a room listening to him practise. At first she thought it was really cool, but after a while it was more like a radio you can’t turn off. Nomi said she knows more about chord changes, dead blues musicians and how to tune a guitar than any person whose total musical ability is being able to turn on a stereo should.
Louie’s parents had their mahjong gang over tonight. Louie says the sound of the tiles slapping on the table drives him nuts. He can even hear it in his studio. So he came over to bask in the peace and quiet that is Casa D’Angelo. (Everything’s relative, isn’t it?) The parents were arguing over what they were going to watch on TV. We went into the kitchen to play Clue with Zelda. Zelda takes for ever with her turn and everybody else’s (this is why no one’s ever going to teach her chess), but that was cool because it meant Louie and I could talk. When Connor got home from work he called me. I answered on a laugh. He wanted to know what I was laughing about. I said Louie’d been telling me a funny story. Connor said he didn’t know I was busy. I started to explain that we weren’t busy like we were just about to climb into the space shuttle, we were only hanging out and playing Clue with Zelda, but he said he’d call me later and hung up. Louie looked at me as if he was framing a shot. I said we’d lost the signal and I’d just be a minute. I wanted to call Connor back. Went outside for privacy. I said, “Are you OK?” He said he was pretty wiped out from a double shift of sprinkling chocolate on foam and saying “Have a nice day!” Connor said there are times when he thinks he may never smile again. Then I asked him why he hung up on me like that. He said he hadn’t. He just didn’t want to bother me when I was busy. I said I was playing a dumb game, not teeing off in the Open. Zelda’s going to win because even if she didn’t cheat we’d let her win, so it’s not like he was disrupting the tension of the game. By the time I got back Zelda was watching TV with mom and Louie and my dad had started a game of chess.
Things were all normal, fill-the-punnets, bag-the-potatoes routine at work today till Green Pick-up Guy showed up and Ely added to the series of humiliations that dot my life like greenfly on kale by telling him I have a boyfriend! This was all because Green Pick-up Guy said he was surprised to see me on a Saturday, and Ely said, Scarlett’s got a boyfriend so her schedule keeps changing. Never mind the ground opening up and swallowing me, if it had opened up I would’ve pushed Ely in.
Was supposed to see Connor tonight but his car wouldn’t start when he got out of work so he had to be towed to his dad’s mechanic. Both of his parents were out so it was hours before he finally got home. Jax was dragged off to Florida on a family vacation (Florida! In July! As Nomi said, why did his folks bother having him if they’re trying to kill him?), so Nomi came over and we fooled around with make-up and different hairstyles and talked about life and ate pretzels and drank iced tea. Nomi said it really is epic how often Connor phones and texts me. She says there’ve been weekends at Casa Slevka when the only words her parents exchanged were “What’s for supper?” and “Did you put the garbage out?”
Went to yoga. Cristina, Maggie and Sara were also impressed by how much Connor talks to me. Cristina says she’s talked more to Max since he’s been at Camp Caribou than she has in all the time she’s known him. Which is only because he’s stuck with a bunch of little kids who tell fart jokes all day and is starved for normal human companionship. Maggie says Grady talks to her in person, but he only uses the phone to impart information. Yes. No. Seven o’clock. That kind of thing. Sara says Kruger’ll talk about the band and any other band he can think of and music, but if you ask him about anything else his usual response is either “yeah”, “um”, or “whatever”. After yoga they were all going to go swimming at Cristina’s. I said I couldn’t because I promised Connor I’d drop by the mall since I’ve barely seen him all week. That got a lot of oohing and girlish giggling. And then they all started harassing me about when they were going to meet him. I said I’d only just met him myself. In case I forgot how to count, Maggie said I met him two weeks ago. Cristina said she’s heard of marriages that didn’t last that long. The next thing I knew they’d all decided to come along. (God forbid they should ask my opinion.) Cristina said she’d been meaning to take that skirt back (again). Sara said she might as well start looking for a birthday present for her mom. “Any excuse to shop,” said Maggie. Nomi said, “Well, I’m not staying home by myself!” I knew they just wanted to check out Connor but I didn’t really mind. I wanted to show him off. And they’re going to meet him sometime.
The mall was so busy you would’ve thought it was Christmas (only without the decorations and nobody was wearing big coats or trapper hats or singing “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer”). We took Cristina’s skirt back and went to a couple of stores that were having sales, and then we went over to Café Olé! We all went to the counter to do the ordering. Before I could even open my mouth to say hi or introduce them, Nomi said to Connor, “Hi, I’m Nomi. I saw you before? The day you met Hildy? I’ve heard all about you, but we’ve never actually met. Officially.” She made it sound like she’d read his autobiography and seen the movie. And to make it worse, Cristina, Maggie and Sara were kind of swaying together and nodding. It was definitely a major open-up-floor-and-let-me-in moment. For me. But Connor took it in his stride, I guess because he’s used to dealing with people. He just smiled like he wanted them to have a nice day. To stop them from yakking and making him think they knew everything about him including his shoe size, I did the introductions. Loudly. “And this is Sara, Maggie and Cristina. You saw them, too. And I told you all about them. Remember?” Connor was the only one who didn’t giggle (except me). “I hope it wasn’t all bad,” said Maggie. “Don’t believe a word she says,” said Cristina. “It’s all lies. We’re really very nice.” Sara said, “Hi. I’m the drummer.” Connor repeated their names and nodded and said hi and gave them his special melt-your-heart smile. He took our orders and started filling cups while the four of them leaned against the counter, talking as if they were being paid by the word. I was so relieved when we got our drinks that I practically ran to the table. “For God’s sake,” I said, “you’re acting like a bunch of tweenies. We’re the future doctors, physicists and mothers of America. Can’t you show some maturity and dignity?” Nomi said I forgot to mention lap dancers, waitresses and cleaning ladies. They all thought that was one of the most hilarious things they’d ever heard. I turned to Nomi. “And you,” I said. “Why did you say you’d heard a lot about him like that? He’ll think I do nothing but talk about him.” She pretended to look all shocked and surprised. “You don’t?” Cue more hilarity. But then they finally settled down and we started playing one of our mall games – the one where you try to guess what people have in their shopping bags – and that distracted them from Connor for a while. I was a little worried because it wasn’t like he was expecting a major visitation and I didn’t want to overwhelm him. Or annoy him. I kept glancing over and smiling at Connor to reassure him. And he kept glancing over and smiling back, so I figured it was OK. When I went up to say goodbye, he said, “What about trying for that movie tonight?” And then HE KISSED ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. Just like that! In Café Olé! It was dry and quick, but it was wonderful. When we left the café, Nomi said, “So I take it you two are officially a couple.” I can’t believe it myself.
Saw Blue Eyeshadow Lady when we were waiting in line outside the multiplex. It took me a minu
te to recognize her because I’ve never seen her away from the farm stand before. She looked different without a head of cabbage in her hands. Connor wanted to know who I was staring at. That’s when she saw me and waved and I realized who she was. I said it was Blue Eyeshadow Lady and waved back. He said I had good eyes if I could tell what colour eyeshadow she was wearing from there.
The movie was OK. What I remember of it. I guess I wasn’t paying that much attention. Afterwards we sat in the car and talked a lot about things we’re going to do. He wants to teach me how to play backgammon. And take me sailing. And show me this secret beach he found. And take me hiking. And make me a CD of his favourite songs. And I’m going to make him a mug. And maybe teach him some yoga. And … EVERYTHING! He says he’s never known anybody like me before. (How sweet is that?)
Asked Connor what he thought of my friends. He didn’t remember them from before at all. He said they seemed OK, but he didn’t say it with a lot of enthusiasm. I said you don’t like them? He said they were a little in your face. And loud. And they never stopped smiling. I said they were nervous. They’re not always like that. He said no, I figured they must sleep sometime. We both laughed.
