by Dyan Sheldon
Connor’s secret beach is a private one up the coast. He says that whoever owns it is hardly ever there. It doesn’t look like they came at all this summer because the house is still boarded up. We stopped at a deli on the way and got some stuff for lunch. There was a young guy behind the counter so I let Connor do the ordering and kept my eyes on the salads in the chill counter. Connor was really sweet and all boyfriendy, asking if I wanted potato or macaroni salad and if I wanted mustard on my sandwich. We stayed on the beach the whole day. We rubbed sunblock on each other and made a sandhouse that we pretended we were going to move into. We went for a couple of swims and took a walk along the shore looking for shells and bits of driftwood. It was about as romantic as you can get without moonlight and a bunch of guys following you around playing violins. Connor said wasn’t it cool to have the beach to ourselves? No one screaming or kids crying and kicking sand on you or anything like that. And the best part was I could wear the two scraps of material I had on without every lame-o and his brother staring at me and drooling. He looked at me like I was one of those pictures with another picture hidden in it. He said, “You wouldn’t wear that suit if the beach was full of people, would you?” We were having such a great time. I didn’t want another argument. So I said, “No, of course I wouldn’t.” I lied and said the only time I wore this suit was when it was just us girls at the Palacios’ pool. He said, “That’s my Hildy!” (How cute is that?) It was almost sunset before we packed up to go. Connor said it was a perfect day. It was. It was totally perfect. And to think Ely could’ve ruined it!
Lovelovelove…
When I checked my phone this morning there was a message from Connor saying I should go to my FB page. And guess what? He’d changed my status to IN A RELATIONSHIP! (How adorable is that?) I can’t believe he remembered my password. He must’ve been planning this for days. I was so excited I almost brushed my teeth with soap.
Asked my mom if she thinks love is what makes the world go round. She said no, she’s pretty sure that’s conservation of angular momentum. I said oh come on, not literally. You know what I mean. She said, “That would be money.”
Nomi and Maggie wanted to play tennis but I said I couldn’t because I had to go over to the stand to see Ely about something. Then I texted Ely and said I couldn’t make it after all today but I’d talk to him tomorrow. I figured it was the easiest way of dealing with all of them. I don’t like lying to my friends but I don’t need them giving me a hard time either. I don’t think they’d understand about me not wanting to upset Connor. And besides, as much as I don’t like lying to them, I like lying to Connor even less. I’d rather spend the rest of my life herding reindeer. Love doesn’t lie. I really believe that. It shouldn’t have to. But if I played tennis or went to see Ely and Connor asked me what I did today, I’d have to lie because if I told him the truth he might get mad and I don’t want him to wind himself up over nothing. And that wouldn’t be just a tiny, I’ve-never-worn-my-swimsuit-to-the-beach-when-there-were-people-on-it kind of lie. It’d be a real, treacherous kind of lie. But it wasn’t just that. I didn’t really feel like seeing any of them today. I just wanted to think about Connor.
Zelda was bored so in the end I took her over to Gran’s to shut her up. Gran wanted to know whatever happened to Nomi Slevka. I said nothing. She still rides her llama everywhere and makes caricatures of celebrities out of pinecones. Gran said, “Not that Nomi Slevka, the one who used to come with you to see me all the time.” I said we’re both pretty busy this summer. Gran said, “What are you doing? Building a bridge to Europe?” Zelda rearranged the crystals hanging in the sun porch while I helped Gran do some stuff in the house. Gran wanted to know why Connor texts me so much. Can’t he leave me alone for ten minutes? I said he texts me because he likes me. Gran said Grandpa Jim liked her, but he only ever called her three times in all the years they were married. The night before he left for Vietnam, the day he got back, and the time he got stuck in the blizzard in Minneapolis with some guy who said he came from Andromeda. I said things are different now. This is the age of communication. Gran said telling somebody you’re moving the dresser in your grandmother’s guest room isn’t communication, it’s pointless information. While we were having iced tea and those giant peanut butter cookies she makes with the chocolate chips in them, I brought up the subject of love in a general, casual way. Is it about the meeting of twin souls or is it chemicals? She passed me the plate. “It’s about finding the person who’ll give you his last cookie.”
Connor picked me up from pottery tonight. But this time I knew he was coming so I was there. I thought he’d wait in the car for me to come out but he didn’t. He was a little early, so I wasn’t even close to being ready to go, but he didn’t care. He kissed me hello, and then he stood behind me making small talk while I was finishing up on the wheel. To be 100% and nobody-else-is-ever going-to-read-this honest, it made it kind of hard to concentrate. It was like having a parrot on your shoulder. One that doesn’t poo all over you or bite. But it was still distracting. Especially since he suddenly turned into an Olympic talker. How do you do that… That’s awesome… It’s a pretty big class… I’m surprised there aren’t so many guys… But it also made me feel really grown up. When we got home I lit some candles on the porch and we sat out there talking and stuff till he said he had to go. It was bliss.
Nomi thinks it’s too soon for me and Connor to be in love. (I should’ve known! She’s about as romantic as acne.) She says we hardly know each other. I said love isn’t about knowing each other. Not like she means. It’s mystical. It’s like you’ve known each other for ever. She said no, it’s more like you want to know each other for ever. Which might be something I want to think about. Since, if we’re counting, Connor and I have known each other for four weeks. I said millions of people fall in love in a lot less time than four weeks. They just take one look at each other and that’s it. Nomi said then why do people say that love is blind if you can tell with one look that this is the person you want to spend your life with? I said because you’re not looking for flaws. You’re looking for the special something that makes that person the one for you. Nomi said so what you’re saying is that you’re totally blind to reality. Because you’re looking for some magical sign that only you can see. I said I don’t know why I waste my breath on her. Nomi said not to forget that people get divorced in a lot less time than four weeks, too. There really is no use talking to her. Not about this.
Lovelovelove… I feel like I’m a song.
I was hoping there was a chance Ely would have forgotten that I said I’d talk to him today. (Even though he’d texted back: make sure you do.) But hope let me down again. He was on me like a slug on a lettuce the second I hit the stand. What was up on Saturday? What had happened to make me act like I’d just lost everyone and everything I had in the world? And what about Sunday? Why did I run out on him like that? Connor couldn’t wait five minutes? What is he, a human time bomb? I said I was really sorry that I got him so worried but there really wasn’t anything wrong. I said I must’ve acted like that because I was in love. It was the first time I’d said “in love” out loud to anybody but Nomi, and even though Ely was looking like the judge in a murder trial (only standing up and wearing jeans and a T-shirt and really tall of course) I had to smile. Saying “in love” publicly like that made me feel as if I’d been in a snowstorm, shivering with cold, and suddenly someone wrapped me in about a hundred fleece blankets. I told Ely that love plays havoc with your hormones and your heart. I’m moody and mercurial, high as the moon one minute and down with the fish the next. I can’t concentrate. I’m easily distracted. My mind wanders from one thing to another like a bee flitting from flower to flower. I’m either so tired that I’m barely awake, or so awake that a dozen hypnotists couldn’t put me to sleep. Ely said and you’re calling that being in love? I said yes, I am. Ely said it sounded to him more like the side effects of some prescription drug. I said so anyway that’s why I was in mood bizarro
on Saturday. He said and what was going on with you on Sunday then? I said nothing, Ely. I told you, I was going out. I was in a hurry. I wasn’t expecting you. Next time you want to stop by for a visit you should call first. He said he doesn’t usually have to make appointments to see his friends.
Connor declared tonight South of the Border Night. We went to that new Mexican restaurant that opened up over in Devon. Mamacita. It was pretty cool. Chilli pepper lights, mariachi music and these really beautiful hand-painted dishes on the walls. I said I wished my phone still took pictures because I wanted to remember what the dishes looked like (for inspiration – my gran would love some plates like those) but the camera part hasn’t worked since last time Zelda got hold of it. So Connor let me use his. I went to the bathroom while we were waiting for our desserts. When I got back to the table, Connor was holding my phone. I couldn’t help it. I kind of snapped at him. I said what are you doing? He wanted to know what was wrong with me. He said I looked like I’d caught him spitting in my drink. I said I was just surprised to see him with my phone in his hand. Since it had been in my bag. He said he’d thought I had a call. Only I didn’t. He said he let me use his phone, so what was wrong with him just picking up mine? Nothing. Obviously. What could be wrong? He said I was acting like I was hiding something. I said it’s a phone, not a safe. But he didn’t look like he was going to give it back any time soon. Luckily our Chiapas chocolate cake came just then so I grabbed it out of his hand and put it away. We sang “La Cucaracha” at the top of our lungs all the way home (we only know the refrain but we hummed the rest). Connor says when we travel across the States we definitely have to go down to Mexico.
I don’t know about love being blind, but it sure is forgetful. Asher Cockburn from the county crafts council stopped by the stand today to ask if I was planning to sell my pottery at the annual arts and crafts fair. It was a quiet morning so Ely was showing me how to do the multiplex siteswap when I saw this man waving at me as he got out of his car. I thought he looked really familiar but I couldn’t remember why. (Usually when I see him he’s wearing a name tag.) He said he was really glad he spotted me tossing onions in the air. He was worried that I’d stopped doing ceramics since I never got back to him about taking a table this Fall. (Another thing I forgot about). He said spaces are going fast. I said I hadn’t heard from him. He said he’d emailed, and posted the notice to everybody on Facebook. I said I guessed I’d been a little distracted lately. I never saw it. Ely walked behind me juggling zucchinis, saying, “Hildy’s in love. She hardly notices who she is any more.” I said he’d have to excuse Ely because he’s not one of the millions of people who think life is only worth living if you have love. Ely said, “No, I’m one of the millions of people who think life is only worth living if you have polar bears and whales.” I jabbed him with my elbow. And got hit in the head by a squash.
Now that I’m In A Relationship I don’t trust my mom to buy my shampoo and gel or anything like that, since she stopped worrying about how she looks the first time baby Zelda dumped a bowl of cereal over her head. So on my way home I stopped off in town to get some stuff I needed. Ran into Richie Deckle by the deodorants and antiperspirants. He’s the guy whose end of year art project of a naked lizard man with a gun in one hand and a yo-yo in the other caused such a sensation (even though there can’t be that many people in the school who don’t know what a yo-yo looks like). I said how’s your summer? Doing anything interesting? A raccoon threw a bird feeder at him. A goat got stuck on the Greenways’ roof. That kind of thing. We left the store together. And there was Connor. It was like opening the front door and instead of tripping over Mrs Claws you walk straight into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And not a really happy Tyrannosaurus Rex. He looked like he’d started to smile and then thought better of it. I introduced him and Richie. Richie said Connor looked familiar. Connor just nodded. Then he said he’d stopped by the stand to give me a ride home because the Mashers have practice tomorrow and he won’t be able to see me. He said Ely told him I’d come into town. It could’ve been because I wasn’t expecting him to suddenly be pawing the ground in front of me like that, but it almost sounded as if I’d told him something else. That I wasn’t going into town today, no matter what. Richie mumbled something and shuffled off and I got my bike and Connor put it on the rack on his car. Between town and my house Connor said five things. So who was that guy? Um (twice – when I said that guy was in my art class and when I said I just happened to bump into him). I have to get home. I’ll call you. Oh no, I’m wrong. He said six things. When I asked him what was wrong he said, “Nothing.” I said so why are you mad at me? He said why should he be mad at me? So that’s seven things. I guess I should’ve gone over to Louie’s or Nomi’s after supper, but I was too bummed out. Watched TV with Zelda and Mrs Claws and ate a bag of potato chips.
I feel like I’m a weathervane and the wind keeps changing every minute. North. South. East. West. Flip flop. Flip flop. You hear all this stuff about love and how wonderful it is, but I must’ve missed the part about how it makes you crazy. Not like crazy in love, just plain crazy. Am I crazy? I’m starting to worry that I am. I feel like I’m in a car, but I don’t know who’s driving. It doesn’t seem to be me. Or maybe it’s Connor who’s crazy. That seems like a real possibility when you think about some of the things he says (not to mention falling off the pier). So I tried to put myself in his head. To think like he does. I started wondering if when he’s at work he flirts with other girls. I pictured him pointing to his name tag and saying, Hi, that’s my name. What’s yours? I saw him smile and wink. I heard him say, You want chocolate or cinnamon? like he was asking for a date. Then I started wondering if when he says he’s with his friends he really is. How do I know that he is? He could be watching shooting stars with somebody else. He could be teaching her how to kiss. How do I know that when he says he’s messing around with Albie he isn’t messing around with someone named Cynthie Sue? I had to stop. It was really doing my head in. I mean once you start thinking like that where does it end? I’m too scared to even try to answer that question.
Asked Dad if he’s ever been driven mad by love. He said love has to get in line behind his three daughters, his wife, his cat, his bank and the internal combustion engine if it wants to make him nuts.
To give myself something to do besides brood, I took a few minutes out from wallowing in misery to check Facebook and my old emails. I couldn’t find any message from Asher Cockburn about the Fall fair anywhere. But there must be some kind of glitch in the system because some of the people who email me now and then (like my cousin Bill and Andy Fogg who moved to Canada last year) and a couple of my Facebook friends seem to have vanished into the ether too. I don’t have room in my brain to worry about this right now. I have enough problems already.
I must’ve been thinking in my sleep because when I woke up I’d decided that this thing with Connor is ridiculous. Got my cell out from under my pillow and texted Connor and asked if he wanted to talk. He texted back: NO.
