Uncle John’s Impossible Questions & Astounding Answers

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Uncle John’s Impossible Questions & Astounding Answers Page 9

by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  Hamming It Up

  The Empire Strikes Back. What’s the connection between the sci-fi film and the Muppets? Frank Oz—the voice and puppeteer of both Miss Piggy and Yoda. Mark Hamill, who starred as Luke, was a big fan of the Muppets, so when Oz arrived on set, Hamill begged him to do his Miss Piggy voice, but Oz refused.

  Here’s what happened a week later during rehearsals. Oz was hidden underneath the set, holding up the Yoda puppet, which was “talking” to Luke. “Follow your feelings, you must,” said Yoda. Luke responded, “I am following my feelings!” Just then, right next to Yoda, up popped Miss Piggy, who exclaimed, “You want feelings? I’ll show you feelings, punk! What is this hole? I’ve been booked in some dumps before, but never like this. Get me my agent on the phone!”

  Bring Out Your Dead

  A man gets poisoned and dies. A woman drowns. Another man gets stabbed to death. Two friends are beheaded. Another woman drinks poison and dies. Yet another man gets nicked with a poisoned blade and drinks more poison. And another man gets cut with a poisoned blade. He dies, too. The last man, same name as the first, is also poisoned. What are we talking about?

  The Write Brother

  Claude Perrault designed the front of the Louvre. What did his little brother Charles do?

  Bring Out Your Dead

  That bloodbath takes place in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Written circa 1600, the play’s full title is The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. Filling in the pronouns from our question (spoiler alert!), it is King Hamlet who first gets poisoned, Ophelia who drowns, Polonius who gets stabbed to death (by the younger Hamlet), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern who get beheaded, Gertrude who drinks poison from a chalice, Claudius who gets nicked with a poisoned blade and is then forced to drink poison, Laertes who (also) gets cut with a poisoned blade, and the younger Hamlet who gets poisoned by Laertes. Tragic, indeed.

  The Write Brother

  Charles Perrault invented the fairy tale. After losing his government job and pension at the age of 67, the former French bureaucrat decided to become a writer, and began composing moral tales for children. In 1697 he elaborated on traditional folk tales, concocting such stories as “Puss in Boots,” “Sleeping Beauty,” “Cinderella,” and “Little Red Riding Hood.” Perrault’s book was the first to credit the tales to “Mother Goose.” Later, the Brothers Grimm and then Hans Christian Andersen applied Perrault’s works to their respective countries’ folk tales, which is where we get “Hansel and Gretel,” “Rapunzel,” “The Little Mermaid,” “Thumbelina,” and the fairy tale Uncle John most identifies with, “The Ugly Duckling.”

  Novel Idea

  Among Ash-Heaps and Millionaires; Under the Red, White, and Blue; and The High-Bouncing Lover were working titles for what important American novel?

  What Comes Around…

  Who were Tristam, Laomorak, Tor, Palomides, Kay, Bors, and Mordred?

  Novel Idea

  The Great Gatsby. Up until the early 1920s, F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote (self-admittedly) “trashy” novels and plays. Hoping to pen something more important, Fitzgerald told his editor he was embarking on a “consciously artistic achievement.” After two years of writing, rewriting, and starting over (and a lot of titles), Fitzgerald found his groove with this opening line:

  In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

  What followed was 1925’s The Great Gatsby, a sordid tale of wealth, love, betrayal, and bootlegging, set in New York. The book came in at second place in the Modern Library’s “100 Best Novels of the 20th Century” behind James Joyce’s Ulysses. (Would it have been as well received if it was called The High-Bouncing Lover? We’ll never know.)

  What Comes Around…

  Along with Galahad, Gawain, and Lancelot, they were Knights of the Round Table. According to legend, King Arthur made them all sit at a round table in order to stop their incessant bickering and start to see themselves as equals. Also according to legend, it worked.

  Water You Doing?

  The line “I hear things are just as bad up in Lake Erie” was removed by what author from what book for what reason?

  A Question About Nothing

  Why did Jerry Seinfeld insist on wearing red pants and a blue shirt in the pilot episode of his famous TV show?

  Water You Doing?

  Dr. Seuss’ environmentally themed children’s book The Lorax tells of a creature rendered homeless after a greedy businessman removes all the trees. One of the lines in the 1971 book is, “I hear things are just as bad up in Lake Erie.” More than a decade after The Lorax was published, two scientists from the Ohio Sea Grant Program wrote to Seuss (real name: Theodor Geisel) to inform him of their success in ridding the Great Lake of pollution. Convinced that things were no longer bad in Lake Erie, Seuss instructed his publisher to remove the line from future printings.

  A Question About Nothing

  That red-and-blue color combo is one of many references to Jerry Seinfeld’s pop-culture hero, Superman. One of the most enduring TV legends is that either an image or a reference to the Man of Steel appeared in all 180 episodes of Seinfeld. Is it true? Many die-hard fans insist that it is, although some of the allusions are so subtle that it’s a stretch. In the first few years of the show, a small Superman figurine sat on Jerry’s bookcase; in later episodes, he appeared on a magnet on Jerry’s refrigerator. In addition, Jerry and his friends often discussed other DC Comics characters—Lex Luthor, Jimmy Olsen, Aquaman, and the Bizarro World. And Jerry, in his younger years, enjoyed drawing pictures of naked Lois Lane.

  Bombs Away

  Who appeared on talk shows in 1987 urging his fans not to go see his new movie?

  Bombs Away

  Bill Cosby. He could do no wrong in the 1980s…or so he thought. Then came Leonard, Part 6. Basking in the phenomenal success of The Cosby Show, the comic starred in this spy spoof as Leonard Parker, a retired CIA agent who is called back into action to battle evil vegetarian Medusa Johnson. Her fiendish plan: to brainwash animals (lobsters, frogs, bunnies) to kill people. Wearing a silver jumpsuit and pink ballerina shoes, Leonard ballet-fights evil bird men, and later uses a magic hot dog to foil Medusa. Then he rides an ostrich to safety. Really. According to every movie critic, Leonard, Part 6 was not only bad—it was one of the worst films in the history of cinema.

  And Cosby agreed.

  He hated the finished product so much that he bought the TV rights to keep it from being rebroadcast (although it’s now available on DVD). He also appeared on several talk shows urging his millions of fans, “Don’t waste your money.” Cosby blamed the train wreck on the inexperience of young director Paul Weiland (who would go on to direct TV’s Mr. Bean). But it wasn’t all Weiland’s fault—Cosby himself co-wrote the screenplay and produced the film. He won three Razzie awards for Leonard, Part 6: Worst Picture, Worst Actor, and Worst Screenplay. Fortunately, Cosby vowed to quit the feature film business. (Unfortunately, not before he made Ghost Dad.)

  Deduce This

  Miss Marple was probably the most famous detective spinster of the 20th century. What offense inspired mystery writer Agatha Christie to create Miss Marple?

  Talking Books

  How many more copies could a book expect to sell if it landed a coveted spot in Oprah’s Book Club?

  Deduce This

  In her 1926 Hercule Poirot mystery novel, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, Agatha Christie introduced a clever spinster character named Caroline Shepherd. That same year, the novel was adapted into a play. When it premiered, Christie was aghast to discover that playwright Michael Morton had turned Shepherd’s character from a wrinkled old lady into an attractive young woman. Determined to “give a voice to old spinsters,” Christie decided to make one the lead character of her next novel.

  Since
then, Miss Marple has been featured in dozens of books, movies, and television shows. She’s been played by some very accomplished actresses, including Gracie Fields, Margaret Rutherford, Joan Hickson, Helen Hayes, and Angela Lansbury, whose character on TV’s Murder, She Wrote was inspired by Miss Marple—a quick-witted woman who has the uncanny knack of always being in close proximity to a murder.

  Talking Books

  From 1996 until 2010, Oprah Winfrey’s Book Club showcased 65 titles. According to publishing industry insiders, having a book in the club would increase its print run by 500 percent…and all but guarantee it a spot on the New York Times Bestseller List. The phenomenon was called the “Oprah Effect,” and Uncle John is sad that his Bathroom Reader was never chosen.

  A Star Is Born

  What classic novel begins with this line: “The scent and smoke and sweat of a casino are nauseating at three in the morning”?

  Can’t Touch This

  What famous playwright wrote the screenplay to the 1987 crime drama The Untouchables?

  To the Rescue!

  What do actors Douglas Fairbanks, Tyrone Power, George Hamilton, and Anthony Hopkins have in common?

  A Star Is Born

  That’s the opening line to Ian Fleming’s 1954 novel Casino Royale, the book that introduced the world to Bond…James Bond.

  Can’t Touch This

  David Mamet (Glengarry Glen Ross) adapted Federal Agent Elliot Ness’ autobiography, The Untouchables, which chronicled his efforts to bring down notorious Chicago gangster Al Capone in the 1920s. Other films you may not know were written by the prolific playwright: The Verdict, Hannibal, and Heist, which he also directed. (Whenever Mamet directs a film, he has a strict rule for his actors: no ad-libbing!)

  To the Rescue!

  They’ve all played Zorro. The masked vigilante was created in 1919 by New York pulp writer Johnston McCulley. The following year, Hollywood power couple Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford decided that a Zorro picture would be the perfect project to launch their new movie studio, United Artists (which they owned with Charlie Chaplin and D. W. Griffith).

  Footnote: Holy swordplay, Batman! Bob Kane, who created Gotham City’s caped crusader in 1939, based Batman on Zorro. The play that young Bruce Wayne’s parents saw just before they were murdered: The Mark of Zorro.

  Cheap Trek

  It’s a little-known fact that Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry wrote lyrics to the show’s theme song. (First two lines: “Beyond the rim of the star-light, My love is wand’ring in star-flight!”) What’s even less well known is why he wrote them, and why they were never used on the show. Do you know?

  Cheap Trek

  Roddenberry’s Star Trek lyrics were never meant to be heard on the show, but that’s not because the network (NBC) nixed them. Neither did the studio (Paramount). Roddenberry nixed them himself. In fact, he only wrote them as a money grab.

  The familiar melody was written by respected film and TV composer Alexander Courage. In his contract, it was stipulated that, as composer, he would receive royalties every time the show aired and the theme song played. If Star Trek made it into syndication (reruns), which it ultimately did, Courage stood to make a lot of money. Roddenberry wanted a piece of those profits. So he wrote the hokey lyrics solely to receive a “co-writer” credit. (Two more lines: “I know he’ll find in star-clustered reaches / Love, strange love a star woman teaches.”) As one of the composers, Roddenberry received half the royalties…leaving Courage with only half the royalties that he had expected to get.

  Not surprisingly, Courage was disgusted by the deal. Though it was legal, he said, it was unethical because Roddenberry made no contribution to the reason the music was successful. Roddenberry was remorseless, saying, “I have to make money as well—it’s not like I’m going to get it from the broadcasts.” (At the time, Star Trek was floundering in the ratings.) Courage quit the show, vowing never to write another piece of music for Gene Roddenberry. And he didn’t.

  Commercial Success

  Don Draper, the lead character on the hit AMC drama Mad Men, was inspired by a real-life 1950s ad man named Draper Daniels. Daniels’s claim to fame: He convinced men to use a product that, until then, was primarily used by women. What product?

  Commercial Success

  Marlboro cigarettes. Daniels invented the Marlboro Man, a popular ad campaign that ran for 45 years from 1954 to ’99.

  Like Mad Men’s Don Draper (played by Jon Hamm), the clean-cut Draper Daniels chain-smoked, womanized, and often drank his lunch. While working for the Leo Burnett advertising agency in Chicago in the 1950s, Daniels and his team were hired by Phillip Morris to solve an image problem: Since the 1920s, filtered Marlboro cigarettes had been marketed toward women with the slogan “Mild as May.” The common perception was that “real men” didn’t smoke filtered cigarettes. But new medical studies in the early ’50s linked smoking to lung cancer, prompting cigarette companies to promote filtered cigarettes as “safer.” That’s exactly what Phillip Morris executives wanted Leo Burnett to do.

  Daniels had another idea: Don’t even mention the safeness of filters. Instead, he rebranded Marlboros as manly. Inspired by a photo of a cigarette-smoking cowboy from a 1949 issue of Life magazine, Daniels created an ad campaign featuring “Marlboro Men,” which included cowboys, sea captains, construction workers, and weightlifters. But it was the cowboy that caught on. Within two years, Marlboro’s profits increased by 300 percent; it soon became the world’s best-selling cigarette brand.

  Final twist: Two of the cowboys who modeled for Marlboro Man billboards, Wayne McLaren and David McLean, later died of lung cancer.

  GOVERN-MENTAL

  From neighborhood volunteers to world leaders, here are some questions about politics and the people.

  Congressional Smackdown

  What’s unusual about the gavel used by the United States Senate since 1954? And who broke the one before that?

  Seeing Stars

  On June 17, 1986, Canadian MP John Nunziata said in the House of Commons, “We consider this to be an item of national concern, and have pulled out the magnifying glass to have a closer look.” What was he talking about?

  Congressional Smackdown

  It has no handle…and never did. The Senate’s hourglass-shaped, ivory gavel is wielded by the vice president in his role as president of Senate. He uses the gavel to begin and end meetings, as well as to maintain order. The original gavel, first used in 1789 by Vice President John Adams, lasted 165 years until 1954, when Vice President Richard Nixon got angry during a late-night nuclear debate and accidentally smashed it to bits. Later that year, an exact replica was given to the Senate by the vice president of India, who said, “I hope this will inspire the lawmakers to debate with freedom from passion and prejudice.” By contrast, the wooden gavel used in the U.S. House of Representatives does have a handle…and has been shattered and replaced numerous times.

  Seeing Stars

  Nunziata’s announcement came after a concerned constituent wrote to him and claimed that the Canadian five-dollar bill had a small American flag hidden in its design. Conspiracy theorists called it a subliminal attempt to convince Canucks to be more like Americans. Printed in black and white, the tiny engraving sort of resembled the Stars and Stripes, but it turned out that the object on the bill was actually a British maritime flag. Nevertheless, rumors have a life of their own, and as such, accusations of American flags hidden on Canadian currency persist to this day.

  Work Force

  What profession was legalized in Romania in 2011, and why did that make many of its practitioners protest?

  Nice Benefits, Though

  Who was the lowest-paid U.S. president, adjusting for inflation?

  Work Force

  Witchcraft. The cash-strapped Romanian government legalized the profession in order to generate income. Now every Romanian witch must pay a 16 percent self-employment tax. Some of the occultists were so incensed that they protested by throwi
ng poisonous mandrake plants into the Danube River. A witch named Alisia complained to reporters, “First they come to us to put spells on their enemies, now they steal from us!” “Queen Witch” Bratara Buzea claimed that she used a dead dog and some cat feces to put a curse on lawmakers. However, at least one witch, Mihaela Minca, was thrilled with the new policy: “It means that our magic gifts are recognized!”

 

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