by Sawyer Caine
Chapter Eleven
I had never before been in such misery. It had been a nightmare of a day, and its ugliness had not ceased with the coming of darkness. Frederick tried to ease my suffering, but his touch only made me feel more wretched. I was undeserving of him and his patient understanding. Though all was silent outside the tent, I worried that our native companions were plotting against us because of my dreadful mistake. I could find no rest though I was past the point of exhaustion.
Nekai had eventually settled down with Nekana’s soft influence and had gone with her into the tent. I was desperate for a chance to make things right, but felt I had no recourse. Frederick put on a Billie Holiday record for me. The soft blues of her voice would normally have eased my nerves, but not tonight. He rested on his cot, attempting to sketch, and I sat smoking in the dim light of the hurricane lamp.
Hours after Frederick had eased off to sleep, I still lay awake listening to the sounds of the jungle. Was that damn idol to blame for the disparaging situation we all were in? Had it worked some kind of dark magic to make me attempt to seduce the boy as a means of harming us both? At that point, I would not have dismissed any possibility. Nekai’s tribe believed that the removal of the idol had brought misery upon them, and I knew it had done so for my family. Perhaps the curse was still at work.
*
When morning came again, I was bleary-eyed and numb with regret and despair. I put on a brave face for Frederick, and we quickly packed up our tent and went out to face our judgmental companions. Nekana was in her usual spot before the fire dishing up our breakfast. Paulo was busy with the mules, and Nekai sat near his sister. He didn’t raise his eyes or greet me in any way. I could hardly blame him.
We all looked quite tired, and I had no doubt that the lot of us hadn’t had a decent night’s rest. No matter, we had to continue and so we did. Nekai, leading us as always, was obviously still angry with me. His movements with the machete that morning were exaggerated and wasteful of energy. His face was set in a heavy scowl. I tried to remind myself that breaking his heart was better for us all in the long run, but I felt I’d damaged him in a way that was irreversible.
The overall mood of the company was toxic. Instead of easing, Nekai’s anger seemed to be growing with each passing hour. He refused water when his sister offered it, and he pressed his endurance well past the limits of safety. I felt the anxiety spiking in my body and could almost taste it, a nasty, metallic sensation, on the back of my tongue. We’d stopped for a moment so Paulo could adjust the packs on the mules when it happened.
I was watching Paulo and my back was to Nekai. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and heard Nekana cry out. When I turned, I beheld Nekai pinning Frederick against a large tree. Frederick’s eyes were wide with terror; he gasped for breath and called out to me. Nekai’s face was set in a scowl, his teeth clenched and his breathing hard, erratic. He looked every bit the dangerous and wild man that my grandfather had described some of the natives to be.
“Nekai!” Nekana cried, trying to pull him off Frederick with no success. He was simply too strong. Paulo came from behind, wrapping his arms around Nekai’s chest and pulling him away. Nekai fought. He struggled against Paulo then shoved his way free and stomped off into the jungle. Nekana ran after him and Paulo stayed with us.
“Are you harmed?” he asked Frederick.
My love was clutching his throat and struggling to get back his air. “No, I’m all right. I’m not hurt,” he said, his voice strained and shaking.
“My God, Frederick!” I cried, clutching him to me and holding him with my hand on the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered against the top of his head.
“It’s not your fault,” he answered, his words muffled against my chest.
Paulo fetched his canteen and offered it to Frederick who gladly accepted it. “They aren’t far. I can hear them talking just beyond those rocks. Stay here with the mules, and I will go and see if he’s calmed down. He will not listen to me, but he will listen to her,” Paulo assured us.
Frederick leaned back against the rocks looking pale and haggard. I waited until Paulo was out of sight, then grabbed him again, holding him tightly against me. I felt the rapid beating of his heart, the heat of his skin, and the dampness of sweat through his cotton shirt. He pushed at me and shook his head no. I knew he was worried that Nekai would return and find us that way. I had the sense to realize it would only raise his wrath further. Justified though it may have been, he’d taken his anger out on the wrong man.
Paulo returned in due course, followed shortly by Nekana. She retrieved her pack and motioned for us to come with her. We took our places and followed behind. I could see Nekai ahead, blazing the trail, his angry motions somewhat more subdued than before. I kept my head down, and Frederick did much the same. After going on in that tense, silent manner, the air around us pregnant with the possibility of more unchecked hostility, Nekai finally tired and called to Nekana. We would stop for a bit.
She removed her pack and rummaged in it for fruit and bits of dried meat. Nekai came to sit on the ground near his sister but as always, refused to meet my eyes. I knew I would have to try and make this better but had no idea how to do so. As fate would have it, Paulo would present the solution.
I stepped away for a moment to relieve myself. As I was tucking my shirt back into my breeches, I saw him approaching me and understood that he wished to talk.
“Alfred, you will have to try and speak to the boy. Help him to understand. He is still, in many ways, a child in his thinking. He is angry and hurt, and he resents Frederick because he thinks that you chose Frederick over him. If you tell him that you and Frederick were already together and that what you did with him was a betrayal of that, then perhaps he will not be so angry with your friend. With you, however, I think there will be no forgiveness.”
I sighed and scratched the back of my head. “It’s no more than I deserve,” I admitted. “But how will I speak to him?”
“I will go with you and translate if you wish. No, perhaps it should be Nekana. Yes, she will have to do it. He doesn’t trust me,” Paulo replied.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he knows that I am in love with Nekana and he knows also that she is already given to another.”
I watched Paulo as he walked away, and I wondered how I would be able to do what he suggested. When I rejoined the company, Frederick had shouldered his pack and Paulo was giving the mules some food and water. Nekana stood a little way away from the group. Nekai was with her. When she saw me, she left him and came to me.
“Paulo told me that you wish to communicate directly with Nekai. He has asked me to translate for you. Mind what you plan to say to him, Alfred. He is very angry with you right now and very hurt. I am angry with you, too,” she said, her pretty face marred with that anger.
“Can we go a bit into the jungle where we can have some privacy?” I asked.
“Come, follow me,” she answered.
I nodded to Frederick to stay where he was and assured him I would be right back. He watched without saying a word as I followed her. She called to Nekai and gestured for him to join us. He resisted at first, but she was persistent and at last he stomped into the jungle with Nekana and me bringing up the rear. When we reached a spot just ahead where two very large boulders stood on either side of the path, he stopped and turned, making me the object of his wrath, his fuming expression, his dark head down, his eyes boring into me.
Nekana gestured to me with a nod. I dropped my eyes to the ground at my feet and spoke. “Nekai, I never meant to harm you. I didn’t understand that you were so innocent of it all. I suspected it, but I suppose I refused to accept it. You are a thing of rapt and exotic beauty to me, and I was unable to resist your gentle persuasion. I wanted to hold and touch you, to know you and to have you know me, but it was a selfish need on my part.
“Frederick has been my lover for several years now, and he holds my heart. It was
wrong of me to lead you on so and to attempt to seduce you. I am completely to blame in this and I… I must beg you to not take your aggression out on him. He is not at fault, I am. I am forced to choose and it is killing me,” I gasped, finding that I had lost my voice and was temporarily unable to continue. She spoke on a moment longer, conveying my words to him, but I refused to look up lest he see the tears standing in my eyes. It was bad enough he could hear them in my voice.
“Nekai, I do care for you very deeply, too deeply. I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to keep you for myself. I loved every minute that we spent together, and I am not sorry for the knowing of you, only that the manner in which I chose to convey my desire was utterly wrong and that wrong has been visited upon both you and Frederick, neither of whom is deserving of it. I cannot ask you to forgive me, for what I have done to you is beyond forgiveness, just know that I… that I…” I stammered off, unable to continue.
“Oh, God, I cannot…” I cried out, clutching my face in my hands.
I felt Nekana’s hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at her as I brushed the tears away from my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Go on, Alfred. Say to him what is in your heart. It will make things better for him to hear it,” she encouraged.
“I love you, Nekai, and I can’t hurt you anymore. I want you both and that is wrong. I will leave this place and you must remain when this is done. We will both be hurt if we don’t stop it now. I saw in you something that reminded me of myself when I was younger. I’m so very sorry. Just know that I do love you.”
I could say nothing more. My breaths were ragged and uneven. I could not see the ground beneath me for the tears that refused to leave my eyes. They ran in rivulets down my face, and it felt cathartic to me to shed them even though it made me look the fool to this strong, native boy. Yet had he not broken into sobs the night before with his own outpouring of emotion?
“Come, Alfred,” Nekana encouraged, and I allowed her to lead me back to the others, attempting to calm myself as we neared them.
I could not look at either of them, and I certainly could not look at Frederick. We resumed our trek and I walked along in silence, not enjoying the beautiful scenery, taking no pleasure in the fact that it was reasonably cool under the lush canopy. I was a man in misery and nothing could ease my pain.
At last we stopped to make camp, and I moved through the motions like a ghost. Frederick tried to comfort me with his soft words and gentle touches, but I refused to allow myself to let him ease me. I was deserving of the pain. I had earned every stab of it. We had set up our tent and were arranging the cots and trunks when the flap lifted, and Nekana stepped inside followed by Nekai.
“Frederick, my brother has something he wishes to say to you,” she announced.
I watched as Nekai knelt in front of Frederick who sat on his cot with his sketch book in his hands. Nekai reached out for Frederick’s hand and placed his over it, making Frederick’s hand look fearfully small. He looked up at my love and spoke in that rich, rolling voice that was not quite a man’s and no longer a child’s.
“He says that he has wronged you and for the wrong reasons. His actions were not those of a man of his standing, and he regrets them. He let his anger get the best of him, and it was beneath him to behave in such a manner. He hopes that you will forgive him and that you will hold no ill will toward him for treating you as he did,” Nekana translated.
“Tell him that all is forgiven,” Frederick said, meeting Nekia’s eyes.
Nekai nodded solemnly then stood to go. I watched him, desperately hoping that he would at least give me a look to ease my suffering, but I was not graced with even so much as a glance. He stepped past me as if I wasn’t there and exited the tent with Nekana following him. Well, at least my aim had been achieved. He would no longer wish to harm Frederick, and that was what mattered most.
*
The evening meal was a return to some semblance of normalcy. Nekana played her flute as usual, Paulo sat staring at the embers of the fire, and Nekai whittled, albeit with his back to us. I was restless and could find no solace in the company. I turned to Nekana when she laid her flute aside.
“Do I hear water nearby?” I asked her.
“Yes, there is a stream just ahead with a small pool. It has a little falls above it, and I imagine that is what you’re hearing.”
“Is it safe for me to go there? I would like to freshen up a bit,” I said.
“I would think so, wouldn’t you, Paulo?” she asked.
Stirred out of his reverie, Paulo sat up and blinked. “Yes I think so. Take a torch with you, though. You will be within earshot so that you can call for help if you need it.”
I stood and took up a torch, then looked down at Frederick. “Will you join me?” I asked.
“No, I’m tired, Alfred. You go on ahead. I’ll wash up in the morning,” he said.
I sighed in defeat and headed off in the direction of the sound of water. I found it without any difficulty. A pretty little place it was; just a small waterfall that ran down into a round pool, the water flowing out from there to continue its journey to the Orinoco and on to the Amazon.
I laid the torch aside and stepped out of my boots, sliding my suspenders down. When I was naked in the warm evening air, I slipped into the cool water and sank down into it, letting it wash away the dirt and sweat. I wished vainly that it was a baptismal font, and that I should be washed clean of my sins and my grief as well, but the one I wanted absolution from would not give it.
I waded out into the deep water and over to the other side of the pool, bracing my arms up on a rock ledge to look out into the darkness of the jungle on the far side. Fireflies danced about in the inky depths, and I could hear the sounds of the night birds calling to one another. It would have been peaceful if not for the acid that churned in my gut and the feeling of despair that hung over me like a dark cloud.
My thoughts were interrupted rather abruptly when I was jerked under the water by my right ankle, a scream frozen in my throat. I struggled in terror, attempting to discover which way was up and which down. My body naturally righted itself, and my head lifted above the water. I stood streaming wet and swiftly swiping the water out of my eyes. My mouth gaped open, and my heart pounded in a fierce rhythm. Then I saw my attacker standing not a foot away from me—Nekai, his face completely impassive.
I gasped in surprise and my immediate reaction was to send a wave of water splashing at him. I was instantly shocked that I’d done so, expecting him to lunge at me and attempt to drown me again if that had been his original intention. To my complete surprise, he laughed and stepped closer to me. I stood immovable as he approached. The moonlight bounced off the surface of the water shimmered on his wet skin, and reflected in his dark eyes.
He reached out and took my chin in his big hand, bringing us close together then brushing my lips with his. I could neither breathe nor move. My heart would have stopped as would have time, if I’d been its keeper. I waited to see what he would do next. He smiled and wrapped me in his strong arms, whispering my name against my ear.
I melted as a wave of almost violent relief washed over me and made me lightheaded. He had forgiven me. He had come to find me, and it would be all right. I felt my hands on him, in his hair, touching his face; I heard my voice speaking his name as though it was a benediction. I pressed my body wantonly against him and allowed him to hold me close.
He pushed me back against the rocks and ground against me, rubbing his hardness against mine beneath the water. I gasped, and he caught that gasp with his mouth, breathing into me and taking my breath in return. He was all over me, all around me. I wanted it. I wanted him. God but I wanted him. I knew it was hopeless to pretend anymore. I had to have him. I couldn’t live without having him.
I watched as he tilted his beautiful head back and bit his lip to silence his cries of pleasure as he came against me beneath the water. I followed after him, giving him what he’d come to take, my surrende
r, my love. His forehead was touching mine, his hand on the back of my neck, holding me to him. I placed my hand on his heart and spoke his name. He did the same to me. It was done, it was finished. I could not turn back, but I would not give up my Frederick either. I took his hand in mine and looked up at him. I put my other hand over my heart and spoke both their names. He nodded his understanding.
I followed him back to the campsite and he pushed playfully at me, nearly knocking me over into Frederick who was still sitting on the ground with his sketch book. He looked up and took the pencil out of his mouth. His eyes widened, then he smiled at me when he saw the look on my face and understood that all had been forgiven between Nekai and me.
I would sleep well that night. I knew it when I lay down, Frederick’s head resting on my chest. We would not continue the ruse any longer. Nekana and Paulo knew about us. I no longer cared if it offended them. Frederick didn’t ask me to tell him what happened at the little pool. I didn’t offer to. It didn’t matter, and he knew it. I understood that I could love them both, more than one person at a time. I did love them both and for very different reasons. What would happen at the end of our journey? Only time could tell, and I would cross that bridge when I reached it. I had this little space in time, this little place in memory, and I would hold to it for as long as I was able.
Chapter Twelve
