“About the memoir. Why don’t you start with just a few Christmas stories that are your favorite. See how long it takes you and maybe go from there.”
I’m playing with her hair as I contemplate her idea. “Is that what you think I should do?”
“Yeah.” She shrugs. “Do a little and test out the waters. If you hate it then you can be done. If you love it, add to it later.”
“You know what I love?” I tease. Grabbing a chunk of her naked ass, I jiggle it while continuing. “This ass.”
“Please don’t write about that Ty. No one wants to hear about our sex life. Trust me. It’s old news.”
I’m still smiling. “We’d make em’ all jealous, baby.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’m going to bed now. Shut up and go to sleep.”
“Whatever you say, boss.”
I’ve never considered myself to be a bad person. My ultimate goal in life is to keep the people around me entertained. I strive for smiles and laughter, and have never really given a shit what other people think of me.
Family is different.
It bothers me a lot when I disappoint the people I care about.
Take Colt for instance. I’ve known my cousin my entire life. Once upon a time the family lived on the same farm until our fathers’ branched out. Their stories are their own to tell, and frankly, I’ve got enough on my plate to worry about the crap they went through.
All I know is that no matter their hardships and disagreements, my dad misses his older brother.
That’s what Colt has always been like to me. He’s my blood, my cousin, but also the closest I have to a sibling.
Back before women and being old enough to bicker, back before life got in the way, he was my idol. In many ways, he’s the one who taught me everything and made me who I am today.
But before that, before the real stuff was the beginning of our shenanigans. Colt wasn’t always so uptight. In fact, he was pretty ornery himself.
I can remember so many times he conned me, the younger vulnerable kid, into doing things we shouldn’t. He’d promised to be my best friend if I snuck around and did his dirty work. Apart we were harmless, but together we were tyrants.
It didn’t start that Christmas night when we discovered Santa was a fabricated lie. It began a year before that, and it isn’t something I’ll ever forget.
An Ass Whooping for Christmas
The tradition of spending the holidays together has been going on since before we were born. One year, after spending Thanksgiving in North Carolina, my parents drove us to Kentucky for Christmas at the Mitchell Ranch. Back then it was only the main house and two barns. They wouldn’t begin to expand for a few more years.
I’m thinking I might’ve been five or six. At the time, Colt was everything. I wanted to be just like him. When I was little, it wasn’t about being better than him, I just wanted to be everything he was, and own all the cool stuff he had. His parents had more money than mine. We all got spoiled at Christmas but, he always got quite a bit more than I did.
It didn’t stop me from following him around and doing anything he asked me to do even when I knew I probably shouldn’t have been doing it. I won’t say Colt was a bully. He didn’t force me to do things. He didn’t have to. Because he was my idol, I did it without much thought, all for him to think I was just as cool.
I’ll never forget this particular Christmas. The women had all gone off to do some last-minute shopping. The men we’re doing some work on the farm to decorate, leaving Colt to babysit me. His housekeeper Lucy was baking and supposedly keeping an eye on us. To this day I still sort of blame her for what unfolded.
Since Colt was so popular, it wasn’t unusual for his friends to stop by. There was this one kid named Toby who I always thought acted like a total dick. He would brag about shit that we knew was a lie, all to impress my cousin.
On this particular occasion, he had come over and Colt wasn’t too thrilled that I was tagging along. They wanted to take the horses out but weren’t allowed because I was there. Colt called me names to make him look like I was just his stupid cousin, a little nuisance to him, because he didn’t want to seem uncool in front of his friend.
Toby coaxed him into the barn where they proceeded to mess around with the horses against his father’s wishes. They tried to lose me on the way, telling me to get off of the golf cart because there was a really cool puppy in the woods that they wanted me to catch for them. They kept pointing in one direction of thick brush. “Do you hear that?” Toby would ask Colt. “It’s coming from over there.”
Colt agreed with him. “Oh yeah. The other day we heard it too. A dog must have had puppies and abandoned them.”
“It sounds like there’s just one.”
Colt pretended to listen closely. “Damn you’re right. I bet it’s lost. Ty, go over there and see if you can catch it.”
I wanted to be cool and impress them, so I hopped off the golf cart and hurried into the thicket. The golf cart pulled away while I was desperately searching and calling out for the pup that didn’t exist. All of my efforts were exhausted. Sad and thinking they’d be disappointed, I turned to discover they’d left me on the other side of the farm, alone, and afraid.
I know now that I wasn’t in any danger, but back then was terrifying. I was still within a close proximity to the mansion, but far enough away that Lucy couldn’t see me.
Since I’d overheard them discussing going horseback riding, I ran my little ass toward the barn where I heard them inside shooting the shit. They were cussing, and carrying on about ditching me.
Little did they know then that I was a lot smarter than they suspected. Dad used to say I was too smart for my own good. I’d ridden plenty of times with my parents, so I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to go. Sure, there was no parents, but Colt was supposed to be watching out for me.
I watched them gathering the saddles and putting the blankets on the horses before I made my presence known. “Thought you could get rid of me?” I exclaimed while blocking the barn doorway. “There was no dog. You’re mean. I’m telling my dad.”
Colt came running toward me. “Hang on little cuz. I’m sorry. We were just messing around.”
“Man, he’s not coming with us,” Toby announced.
“Ty, you might be too young to go with us.”
“I’m not too young. I ride with my dad and mom.”
“This is different. You could get hurt.”
Colt wasn’t convincing me. “I want to go too. They said you have to play with me.”
“My parents did say that,” Colt admitted.
Toby took him by the shoulder and pulled him aside. They spoke low so I was unable to hear what was being said. When they returned they were both smiling.
Colt did the talking. “You want to hang out with us?”
“Yes,” I excitedly replied.
“Okay, well first you have to pass a test.”
I didn’t really understand a test but I agreed because they were giving me a chance. “Okay.”
“You have to do two things,” Toby announces.
Colt nodded. “Yeah two things. First, you have to go over to the chickens and catch one barehanded.”
Keep in mind I’m five or six. I’m wearing a snowsuit with a pair of freaking mittens hooked to the wrist of my puffy coat. My hat is knitted with a giant ball on the end of it. I only remember it, because a photo was taken of me later in the day after this event unfolded.
Anyway, catching a damn chicken dressed like Ralphie’s brother in a Christmas Story was going to be damn near impossible. I wasn’t wise enough to take off the coat. Instead I marched into the coop and waited for them to watch. At first I thought it would be easy. I attempted to jump on top of a hen to trap her beneath me.
Well that only pissed the chicken off. Suddenly they started pecking at my feet and legs. I was screaming and running out. Tears were streaming down my face and I’m sure there was snot apparent.
Colt and Toby laughed and joked at my failed attempt. This made me cry, but instead of giving up, I went back in and tried again. If it weren’t for those stupid attached mittens I wouldn’t have been successful. I swung my arm around and caught the mitten rope in between a couple hind feathers. From there I was able to swoop my arm in and hold onto the chicken.
Staring in disbelief that little me was able to accomplish the first task, they once again conversed on a better second test for me to attempt.
Colt clapped his hands together as he delivered the next task. “Good job little man. All you have to do now is ride Dixie to the end of the fence without falling off.”
My eyes must have doubled in size. Dixie was this jerk of a mule. She bit and kicked anything near her. My parents had made it clear I wasn’t to get close to her for any reason. Now Colt was telling me I had to ride her. As if that wasn’t enough, I was soon to discover it would be much worse.
“Okay. If I can ride her I can go with you, Colt?”
“Yeah, Buddy. You sure can.”
“All right.”
“This is going to be good,” I heard Toby claim.
Colt led me over to Dixie and helped me climb up on the fence. “I’m going to sit you on her back.”
“But where’s her saddle?”
“Oh, none fit her,” he lied.
Now I was scared. They say children are fearless, but I knew this wasn’t right. Still, I had to impress Colt, my idol.
Petrified, I watched in horror as Colt held out his arms. “Come on. I’ll get you mounted.”
Do you see where this is going?
“Now hold onto her mane and keep your knees tight against her. You can do it.”
“Yeah right!” I heard Toby say.
Dixie wasn’t thrilled. The moment I sat down with my legs on either side of her, was the second I knew I was going to die.
My cousin I trusted, my best friend, the person I wanted to grow up and be like, slapped that mule on the ass causing her to take off.
Grabbing her mane to remain on top, she began to buck and gallop around.
I’m honestly surprised I lasted a couple seconds before falling off onto the cold ground.
As the pain ripped through me, my tears flooded out. I’d fallen off a mule, it was cold and icy. My body ached. Not even my snow suit helped cushion the fall.
Then I saw my life flash before me.
Dixie has caused the other horses to spook. One of them was coming right for me and the damn suit wouldn’t allow me to react fast enough. I heard Colt scream and place his hands over his eyes, then I watched as if it was slow motion, another horse coming from the opposite direction, deterring the one headed to run me over. It jumped over me, it’s feet inches from my face.
That horse saved me. I swear it to this day. I would have been trampled to death if not for it coming to my rescue.
But my story isn’t over. Colt, the one who everyone admires, knew he was in deep shit. By this time I’m hysterical, wet and covering in mud. Colt and Toby panicked. They mounted two horses and took off before I could run and tell.
By the time I’d walked back to the mansion and found Lucy, I was worse for wear. It didn’t take long for the men to come in and hear all about my brush with death.
I still don’t remember my uncle ever being so mad at Colt.
The women returned and still no Colt. Toby’s Mom came to get him, and they hadn’t returned.
It wasn’t until my tears were dried up. I’d been given a hot bubble bath to warm up and clean the mud off my face. They’d pampered me with hugs and kisses. They’d even filled my belly with extra sweets.
Then Colt and Toby returned.
I didn’t actually see it happen, but I heard the whooping. We all did. Colt got the belt.
He cried like a little baby. Toby’s Mom drug him out of the house by his hair.
Both were forced to apologize to me and my parents.
I was treated like a prince that year. Santa brought me extra gifts.
Colt got his toys taken away for two weeks. After that, he never treated me bad again. In fact, I think it scared him more than it did me. I’m the only person who saw his face when he thought I was a goner. He was scared and sorry.
That day changed our relationship. It was that Christmas holiday where we bonded and he let be his buddy for real.
It was the start of our bond that will never be broken. At least now I can laugh about the time he tried to kill me. He still doesn’t think it’s that funny.
The X-rated Ensemble
I’d like to think that when I was ten years old, and Colt in his teens, we were like Cloak and Dagger. Our spy skills had only gotten better, and it was hard for our parents to be able to pull off any surprises during the holidays. During Thanksgiving, we’d concocted a plan that would really make a dent in the usual tradition of watching old family videos. Our grandparents, who were still living at the time, used to love recording us on one of those huge video cameras when they first came out. We’d all sit down outside the barn on arranged bails of hay and watch a whole reel, reminiscing. It was more for the adults. I had no interest in watching my father and uncle pulling a sled with a horse, because the land was so flat on the farm. Or seeing them open presents that we’d now deem as lame. For whatever reason back then, there was always a reason to cause a fuss. Our main goal was to drive the attention away from the monotony and bring laughter to the bunch, who usually ended up all in tears halfway through the show.
We masterminded a plan to commandeer the old video camera from the attic and make our own holiday themed comedy show.
We figured it had to be easy enough to load the film, but knew it was going to be more than a two man job. It’s a good thing this particular year happened to be one that Conner and Miranda were spending with us. Usually they’d do every other year, one with our family, and the other with their father’s parents. I think this might have been one of their last Christmases before he passed away. This memoir isn’t about sad times though. Just funny, and at the families request, holiday stories. So back to Miranda and Conner. Recruiting those two was like giving candy to a kid. They followed Colt around more than I did. Back in the day we hated having to play with Miranda. She was the only girl, and I think Conner was the only one of us who was okay with it, but it’s probably because he had to be. He was always trying to be cool anyway, doing stupid shit to get our attention. Like the time he swore he knew how to ice fish. He told us he’d gone on vacation to Canada with a friend and had quite an adventure. He said they’d been ice fishing and this moose came right up to them. Instead of running, like a normal person would do, they fed the moose a ham sandwich and after that he’d stuck around all day. When we asked where the pictures were, he told us the camera was frozen from the cold temperatures. I have to admit, he had us going until Miranda said it was all fabricated. We went along with it just to prove he was an idiot for trying to trick us. After the adults had gone to bed, we all snuck out to the frozen swimming hole. Without the guidance of our parents, we weren’t properly bundled for the frigid overnight temperatures either. With Miranda in tow, complaining the entire time, we drug Conner to the center of the pond and handed him a fishing rod and a long metal pole and told him to catch a fish. Colt and I knew we’d made a mistake the second Conner started banging that pole against the ice. The dark of the night in the winter is quiet. It doesn’t have the sounds of critters mating. The banging echoed off the nearby trees. As soon as it started Colt grabbed Miranda and we made a beeline for the grass. Conner’s scream was so loud we swore our parents would come looking for us. Luckily, the tall pines must have masked it from traveling. I can vividly recall the way the ice cracking sounded, and how his body plunged into the mucky water beneath it. Miranda immediately began to cry for her brother, while Colt used his quick thinking skills to come up with a solution to getting Conner out.
If it were deep he would have died or sure, or come close, but the water level in the pond
gets real low in the winter months, especially without precipitation. Conner was standing chest deep, surrounded by so much ice he was unable to spare himself.
We found a shovel in a nearby shed we keep rods in. Colt extended it out so Conner was able to grab it and be pulled out. We carried his ass back to the farmhouse and into the heated barn, where we had to strip him down and cover him with all the blankets we could locate.
Everything would have been fine if Miranda hadn’t tattled. After that though, Conner stopped making up shit to look cool. I’d like to think he became our little bitch for all of our antics.
Back to the story…
The Colt and Ty’s Christmas Prank was going to be epic.
Miranda and Conner were not too thrilled about going up in the old attic. They complained about the cobwebs, so you can imagine the look on their faces when a bat came from out of one of the rafters and swooped around their screaming heads. “I’m outta here!” Miranda was the first to climb down the attic stairs. No, correction, I’m pretty sure she jumped out without hitting a single step.
Conner on the other hand, balled up in the corner until the bat found another nook to perch in.
Colt and I got to work searching through old boxes to find the ones with the video camera and tapes. “Found em’.”
Conner joined us as we scanned over the vast amount of labeled tapes. I picked one up and then grabbed another. “We need one that they’ve watched already so we can tape over it. There has to be fifty here.”
“Yeah, but some you can’t get rid of. Check it out, it’s your birth.”
Cringing, I grabbed the tape and started a pile of keepers. “Fine. Since that was the epic moment I came into this world we’ll make sure that one never gets erased.”
Colt said something under his breath, mumbling more while sifting through the box. “Here’s one from a 4H event.”
“Yeah, we can use that one.”
O Little Town of Mitchellville Page 2
