“I made him,” Amy admits. “He was napping on the couch.”
“Dickhead!”
Conner mumbles something while climbing the ladder to get back to work.
It took us three days to get the job done. Over three hundred strands of lights. We had to use the breaker from the barn to power them because it was pulling too much from the house. But it was glorious!
Just like the movie the family came out to bask in its beauty. Well some of us. Dad and Mom bitched about the utility bill. He cussed me out and went back inside of his house yelling about it keeping him awake at night and how I amounted to exactly what he thought I would. He was just jealous I accomplished it.
Even though we were using the electric from the barn, the power to the farm kept acting up. The lights inside would flicker. If we used the microwave the same time my parents used theirs in their house the main breaker to the farm would blow.
Dad bitched and bitched, but I kept turning on those lights at night.
Back to the twins. I wouldn’t have mentioned them if they weren’t a part of this memory. People question why I do some of the things I do, and most of the time it’s for family, but my kids are a whole other level of craziness. I need to be the hero, no matter what I have to do to make it happen.
So when my dad tried to sabotage my hard work, it’s only fair I get even.
After the first couple days my dad got a hair up his ass and started turning off the main breaker to make me think the lights were the culprit. He’d come in and swear up and down it was my fault. “Didn’t I tell you? Big mistake. You’re going to fry the lines.”
It took me a day to figure out it’d been him doing it and then I set out to call him on it.
The next night I flipped on the lights and the world around us illuminated. After I turned off my bedroom lamps, I peered out the window and watched the old man go out to the barn and flip the breaker. Instead of rushing out to fix it, we lit candles and ate in the dark.
Jax asked, “Dad, how come the lights don’t work?”
“Poppy didn’t pay the electric bill to the farm. Now Santa won’t be able to see our house.”
Jake jumped up from the table and ran to his room. He came back with his piggy bank and dumped it on the dinner table. Change was rolling everywhere, even in his Hamburger Helper.
“Son, what are you doing?”
“I’ve got money. I’ll pay the bill.”
Next thing I know Jax is leaving and coming back with his bank. Before Miranda could stop him, more loose change was thrown across the table. “I’ll help too.”
Miranda looks to me like I’m supposed to fix this.
“Guys, that’s real nice of you. I’m sure the lights will be back on in no time. Finish your dinners and go get in the tub.”
My wife didn’t speak to me until later that night in bed. “I can’t believe you let the boys think they had to use their own money to get the lights back on.”
Leaning on my side, I smile with one of my famous grins. “Hear me out, baby. Dad’s being a baby. He doesn’t even pay that bill anymore. You don’t find it a little funny that the boys will be mad at him?”
“You’re not setting a good example.”
We both laughed at her comment.
“I’m a good dad. Admit it.”
Pulling her body close to mine, I planted a wet kiss over her lips. “Admit it.”
“You are. Using them to get back at the guy isn’t nice though.”
“They don’t know that’s what’s happening.”
“Just make sure it stays that way.”
“I promise. One good laugh and then it’s over, agreed?”
“Agreed.”
Telling Dad the twins paid the bill was hysterical. Since he’d been the culprit, it only made his dilemma worse. Now he felt guilty for lying.
If that wasn’t funny enough, we attended Christmas mass with the whole family. It was the candlelight service, so a couple minutes later they turned off the lights and began passing around the candles.
In the silence of the moment Jax yelled up to the preacher. “God forgot to pay the electric bill.”
Christmas Bear Hugs
I should probably put a gross warning on this next story to prepare you for what’s to come. Come, being the highlight.
The boys, Jake and Jax are both sixteen. We’ve gone through puberty and survived. We’re even tolerating the slew of girlfriends they go through. I’m a little proud they’re a chip off the old block.
It was promised this would never be discussed, but what the hell? No one will be harmed during this story. Someone’s pride may be, but nothing violent. Heed my warning, boys. I’m talking to you.
It all started when Conner met me to do our morning cattle count. We have so many roaming around that it’s important to do an inventory to ensure none are sick or missing.
Anyway, Conner couldn’t contain himself. Since he’s normally in a shit mood until at least seven, this struck me as odd, so I felt the need to investigate.
Remember, I’m a sleuth.
“What’s with you? Laughing at how you couldn’t get it up this morning?”
“Touché. No. I’m laughing at my dumbass son. You’re not going to believe this one.”
“Oh, when it comes to Josh I bet I will.” Nothing would surprise me with that little pecker. He’s the youngest cousin and a terror. Being a few years younger than my twins, he was probably like I was to Colt.
“Amy comes in the room last night speechless. You know it takes a lot to shock her, right? Get this, she was cleaning Josh’s room and found a teddy bear.”
“Okay. Some teens have stuffed bears. Maybe he’s trying to tell you something. He does act a bit feminine,” I tease.
“Shut up and listen, dude. You’re never going to believe this one.”
“So spill. I’ve got shit to do and it’s cold.”
“This was a special bear. Amy said she found it under his bed and something wasn’t right about it.”
“It was packed with drugs? He stuffed it with naked photos of anime?”
Conner shoved me. “Only you would do that shit. No, it was filled, but not with those dumbass ideas. How many bears you got under your bed?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to know. Your sister is...” Conner flips me the bird.
“Stop right there. I don’t need to hear about my sister, especially after my morning.”
It gets quiet for a second until he laughs again. “What?”
“After examination, which included a good sniffing, a hole was discovered in this bear. Amy said she dropped it and went flying out of there. Last night when Josh came in his mother went to confront him. At this point I don’t know about the teddy bear.”
“I know where this is going.” I did. I’m a perv. It doesn’t take much.
“She couldn’t do it. Instead she waited and had me check on him this morning. That little asshole wouldn’t wake up, so I ripped off his covers to get him out of bed. That’s when I saw the bear for the first time. It was facing me, Josh’s boxers were down to his knees and the bear was stuck to his crotch. Dude, he fell asleep screwing a teddy bear. And after talking to Amy, he’s been doing it for a while.”
I’m going to be honest, at this point I can’t control my entertained laughter. The visual is just too much to ignore.
We joke about it all day, so by the time I head to my house for supper, it’s still the one thing on my mind.
During our meal, the five of us, Me, Miranda, Iz, Jake and Jax, are sitting at the large round wooden table enjoying our food. The boys are talking about how they want to decorate the outside. They’re even mentioning my Griswald phase and joking about their Poppy being so mad about it.
As much as I like being the topic of discussion, some things can’t wait. “So, Uncle Conner told me something today that you have to hear. You kids need to remember our rule first.”
I wait until they all recite it at the same time.
“What’s said in this house, stays in this house.”
“Good. So listen here, your aunt and uncle caught Josh beating off inside of a stuffed bear. I guess it wasn’t stuffed enough.”
Izzy drops her fork and covers her mouth. “Gross! Daddy, really?”
“What? It’s freaking hysterical.”
The boys have a field day. “What a loser. Can’t get laid so he bangs a stuffed animal,” Jake gloats.
“Yeah, who does that kind of shit? Must be desperate.”
“Boys! Behave!” When Momma speaks everyone listens.
If you think that’s the end of this story you’re wrong. You’re so wrong. It gets even more disturbing. That’s why I feel it’s my duty to share this one.
Fast forward a couple weeks. My mom has never really cared about the outside decorations on her house as much as the inside. It’s like Christmas threw up all over the place. She goes to extremes, wrapping every single picture and replacing her usual decor with something for the season.
She even has this shelf that runs the entire length of the living room that she puts her collection of holiday bears that she’s been adding to since before I was born. They go back to the sixties. I think some belonged to her grandmother. Of all my mother’s possessions these things are the most important to her. Like I mentioned, I’m pretty certain she took the tradition from her own mother so it’s been handed down.
These particular bears are labeled with the year they cane out.
It’s tedious, but Mom takes her time putting them in numeric order before they go up on the shelf. She dusts off the long wooden bottom and pats out the dust that may have accumulated while they were stored away after the previous season.
She has a system and as ridiculous as it sounds for stuffed animals, it’s important to her to show them off.
Imagine my surprise when Mom calls in a frantic, begging me to come over to help her with something. I take Iz, because if it’s something I did she won’t take it out on me with her granddaughter in the room.
We discover her in tears. She’s broadcasted the bears all over the room in lines. There’s a blank spot where two are missing. I notice it before she can even explain.
“They’re gone. I’ve searched high and low. 1981 and 1983 are missing. What could have happened to them? Did you take them to play a joke on me?”
As much as I like pranking people, I know she’d beat my ass if I ever touched them. “No! I wouldn’t do that. I know how important they are.”
She shakes her head and wipes away tears. “I had the boys get them out of the attic last week but they’ve been in the rubber bins covered. No one else has been in here. I even checked the rest of the Christmas boxes in case they were stored somewhere else.”
I don’t mention it, but I have an alarming idea what happened to the bears and it takes everything in me not to gag and run out to hunt down the twins. “We will find them. Let’s just get them up on the shelf and we’ll leave room for those two. They have to be here somewhere, Mom. No one would want to take them. Trust me. I don’t know anyone else who would want to collect these things.”
“Some were my mother’s. They’re special.”
“I know. I get it. Iz and I will help you, and then we’ll ask around. Maybe whoever helped clean up last year knows where they went.”
“I always pack them together,” she adds. “Why would two be separated?”
“I don’t know. Don’t worry too much. I’m sure they’re misplaced.”
Iz, a senior in high school, stays to help her grandmother decorate. I hightail it back to my house on the ranch to hunt down two imbeciles I know are guilty.
Miranda sees me storm in and knows something is up. “What happened?”
“Where are the twins?”
“Probably in their room playing a video game, why?”
“Just come with me. I’ll show you.”
She sits her coffee down on the counter, wipes off her hands and proceeds to trail behind me. “Ty, tell me what’s going on.”
“You’ll see.”
I’m angry. I’m pissed because they took from my mom. I’m irritated they would take them to make fun of Josh. All I want is for them to fork over the bears and apologize to their grandmother.
The door swings open and clanks against the wall. I’m standing in the center, my eyes fixated on both of them. “Hi, Dad. What’s shaking?” Jax’s question is about to be answered.
“You have two seconds to locate the missing Christmas bears and take them back to your grandmother’s house with a good reason why you took them in the first place.
Their expressions go slack, and their cheeks glow with a red hue. Jake looks to his mother with shame, while Jax is all guilt.
“Jake, do you know anything about this?” Miranda questions.
Jax responds for the both of them. “We were going to return them. We just wanted to see what the hype was about. Isn’t it better than using our socks?”
I’m at a loss for words. Me, Ty Mitchell, have no words. I thought they’d stolen them to make fun of Josh. That was bad enough, but no, not this.
“So you do have them?” Their mom wants an answer.
Jake walks over to the closet and opens the door. Two bears are sitting in the corner of the back behind some boots. She rushes by him, shoving him out of the way to grab them. Then she brings them over to me. “You two are punished. You will march your little asses over to the farm house and apologize to your grandmother. Then you will come right home and pack up these games. They’re gone for three weeks.”
Her punishment gets their attention. “But Mom.”
She tisks her fingers toward Jax for him to shut up. “You heard me.”
They sulkily walk over and take the bears from me. I snap out of it once they’ve left the room. Meeting them at the kitchen door, I throw myself in front of it to prevent them from leaving. “Hold on. Let me see the backs of those bears.”
They look at each other and then back to me. I have my answer even before I’ve checked. Sure enough there is a single hole in the ass of each bear.
I cringe. “Oh shit! You too? What the hell is wrong with you?”
Jake shrugs. “We made fun of Josh and he kept saying how cool it was. We thought we’d give it a go. We were going to put them back. She said she’d wait for us to put them up. How could we know she’d do it without us?”
I point at them and push them away from me with my finger. “You two are disgusting. I’m telling everyone about this. It might not be today or tomorrow, but I’m telling them. Mark my words, one day this will all come out. Freaking sickos. Beating off in teddy bears. Who does that?”
“It feels good. Don’t knock it, Dad.”
I slap Jax upside the head. “Don’t. Ever. Say. That. Again.”
“Can we go now?” Jake asks.
“No, first you’re going to find your mother, who is probably barfing in the bathroom, and get her sewing kit. Then you’re going to sit your asses down and sew the holes back up. Just say you borrowed them for a school presentation on family traditions. I won’t have my mother sickened by this betrayal. She’d never look at you the same. God knows, I won’t either. Take your shamed asses and do what I said. Morons.”
To this day I’ve never told my mom the truth. Surprise! Two of your prized bears carry the possible offspring of my twins.
So this is me folks. I’m finally sharing the cheer and telling the story. My sons and my nephew banged teddy bears to get their jollies. Dumbasses.
Smell my Christmas Finger
I once thought being a parent was the highlight of my life, it still is, but there’s also the part of my heart that was and still is reserved for my grandchildren. When Iz was first pregnant I was scared for her. She was single and afraid to tell us. Had it not been for Rusty, I think her life would have gone in a different direction, even with her mother and my guidance. This story isn’t about my Izzy. It’s about the little bundle of joy that
came from her womb.
Sarah is my first grandchild. She’s the spitting image of her mother and the brightest part of my day. She reminds me so much of old times with her mom and I get a kick out of being able to repeat some of the things I was able to share and teach her mom.
She’s also my secret little ninja. No one suspects she can be ornery so we get away with more because of it.
I’d say one of her favorite things is to sabotage the twins. She thinks it’s funny to do things behind their backs and watch them freak out. After hearing Miranda complain about their room, they were forced to spend a day cleaning. Imagine two grown boys their senior year of high school punished in their rooms. I thought we’d never hear the end of it.
In their defense, the boys had separate rooms. At the time they’d decided to use one for entertaining their friends when they would come over and the other for their beds and clothes. The dirty one was the one they slept in.
Miranda left with all the women to do the Christmas shopping, while I stayed home to look after Sarah and the baby. She was probably four or five at the time. For a while we made popcorn strands to hang on the tree, but once the baby went down for a nap we were getting bored with the tedious task.
The boys finally finished their cleaning and headed out to the barn to hang with their cousins. They had their own space in the old hay loft and usually spent their time up there. God knows I used to do some crazy things up there myself, so I can only imagine the trouble they got into. If they were anything like me, which I know they are, it was sex, booze and probably other crap they shouldn’t be doing.
“I have an idea,” I tell Sarah. “Want to play a joke on your uncles?”
She nods with excitement? “Can we unplug their games?”
“No, not this time. We’re going to get them good. Follow me.”
A bowl of Hershey Kisses was always on the kitchen at Christmas time. Miranda and the kids ate them like they were crack. I’m surprised they still have their teeth. I’m more of a sweets man myself. Nothing like licking on a lolly pop and pretending it’s something else, but let’s not get sidetracked.
O Little Town of Mitchellville Page 5
