Chances Are
Page 16
They finished breakfast quickly and Dawson headed out to the mill with Adam. Nancy and Rebecca cleaned up the breakfast dishes and settled in the parlor. Nancy pulled her knitting out of her basket, realizing she hadn’t added a stitch to her work since Dawson had arrived. She looked over her project with pride, knowing that Radford’s eldest son William would appreciate this sweater when he returned to university.
“Grandma, if you were to spend some time with us in Crane Landing, you’d be able to spend more time with Dawson. I know he would like that. I know Adam and I would love that. And if that little incident I witnessed last night is any indication, I’d say you’d like it too.”
Nancy sighed and laid her knitting in her lap. “I’d hoped we could avoid mentioning that.”
Rebecca released a light laugh. “Honestly, Grandma, it’s about time you found a companion. And you know that Adam and I love Dawson. We couldn’t be happier. All I’m suggesting is that you spend part of your year in Crane Landing with us. Preferably when I get closer to my delivery date.”
Nancy wanted to be with Rebecca every day, but the thought of living in Crane Landing, even for a few weeks, had her heart reeling. “I’ll be there for the birth,” she said, “but I can’t promise how long I’ll stay. I’ll be lost without everyone here.”
“And how will you feel without Dawson?” Rebecca asked. “Won’t you be lost without him?”
Knowing she couldn’t reveal her true feelings to Rebecca, she deflected. “Dawson belongs in Crane Landing with his family, just as I belong here with mine.”
Rebecca was quiet for a moment, Nancy’s words hanging in the air between them. Nancy had thought her feelings were complicated, but they were really quite simple. Dawson belonged in Crane Landing and She belonged in Fredonia. It was as simple as that. It didn’t need to be any more complicated.
“When we were in Crane Landing,” Rebecca said, “and I would agonize over my relationship with Adam, I drove myself crazy with thinking, running all of these thoughts and fears through my mind. That’s when I felt the most lost. But when I would close my eyes and quiet my mind and just let my heart guide me, that is when I finally knew exactly where I wanted to be, and where I belonged. I knew I wanted to be right next to Adam, building a life together. Then I was no longer lost and afraid. I decided then that I couldn’t let my fear rule my life anymore, and you shouldn’t either Grandmother.”
“I’m not afraid,” she said, but once the words left her mouth, she knew they were untrue. She was afraid. Nancy sat quietly knitting as she listened to Rebecca. She understood what Rebecca was saying. But things were different for her. If she were a young woman without children, her decision would be easy. She would live wherever her husband lived. But she was a mother, a grandmother, and soon to be a great-grandmother, and the wife of a man she’d promised to love forever. Once Rebecca started raising her own family, she would understand that these decisions were not simple.
“You don’t need to say anything, Grandmother,” Rebecca continued. “I sense that you have something weighing heavily on your heart. I just want you to know that I understand a little of what you are pondering.”
Nancy was pondering a great many things, one of them being the way Dawson made her feel so young again. He was playful and lighthearted, and he made her laugh. The touch of his lips and the stroke of his hand against her cheek swept her away. She wished that making this decision were as easy as slipping into his arms. But it wasn’t an easy decision. She laid her knitting in her lap. She began twisting her wedding band, something she always seemed to do when she needed to think about something important. She tried to think of the right words to say in response to Rebecca. Looking at her wedding band, a thin band of gold she’d worn since she was sixteen years old, her heart filled with shame that she could be considering another man when she was still in love with Hal. She knew what her answer to Dawson had to be. It wouldn’t be fair to him…or to her family…and this decision would break her heart either way.
Chapter Thirteen
Nancy stood with her family and a handful of their closest friends in the west parlor of Boyd and Claire’s home, and she was filled with pride. Today, Radford and Evelyn were renewing their vows in celebration of their twentieth wedding anniversary. Being here this evening made her think of so many weddings – Radford’s first wedding to Evelyn, Kyle and Amelia, Boyd and Claire, Duke and Faith, even Adam and Rebecca. And it reminded her of her own wedding to Hal. They weren’t in love when they married—she was a mail-order bride and was supposed to marry Hal’s brother, John Radford. But John’s untimely death, and her arrival in town, became a complicated issue that ended with her marrying Hal.
They had exchanged their vows in the orchard beneath trees filled with apple blossoms. And she and Hal had grown to love each other—very much and had even renewed their vows with both of their families present.
But Hal didn’t live to see any of their children get married, didn’t get to witness the birth of any of their grandchildren, or the marriage of their first grandchild. There were so many things Hal had missed, and so many years that Nancy had spent attending these events alone. Tears filled her eyes at that thought, but the sadness that overwhelmed her was quickly replaced with guilt. It felt so good to be with Dawson, to feel the strength and warmth of him standing solidly beside her
He was incredibly handsome in his brown suit and bowtie, his slightly graying hair brushed back, his face smooth from a recent shave. And Dawson was funny and engaging and intelligent… and wounded. But he didn’t hide behind his wounds or shy away from the reality of that burden. He admitted to his struggles and wasn’t willing to let them govern his life. He was an amazing man and she couldn’t bear the thought of him walking away. And yet, she knew she couldn’t say yes.
He leaned down and asked quietly, “Is everything ok, sweetheart?”
It wasn’t, not for them, but it wasn’t the time or the place to discuss her concerns with Dawson. And so she said, “I’m just emotional over Radford and Evelyn renewing their vows. I can’t believe it’s been twenty years. They had a hard journey early in their relationship. And because of issues between the boys, Kyle wasn’t present at their first wedding. It makes me so happy to see him standing beside Radford tonight. Everything has worked out and come full circle.”
She and Dawson turned to see Radford and Kyle standing side by side in front of the grand fireplace. Radford leaned in to hear something Kyle was saying. They both broke into laughter.
Grinning, Duke stood with them, bible in hand, ready to perform the renewal ceremony. He had recently become a judge, his past experience as Sheriff making him the perfect candidate. Her boys, tall and dark-haired, looked so handsome and so much like their father as they stood together in their best suits, that Nancy felt another tug on her heart. Would she ever be able to let go?
As if Dawson sensed her heartache, he linked arms with her and drew it close to his side. It was his way of giving her a private hug, one she deeply appreciated at the moment.
As the ceremony began, Nancy turned to the archway of the parlor where Evelyn stood, holding Boyd’s arm. Her dark hair was pinned up with long spiraling curls dangling around her face and shoulders. She wore a simple but elegant gown of cranberry silk, the bodice and cuffs edged with black velvet. To Nancy, Evelyn looked even more beautiful than she had the day she’d married Radford. Perhaps it was the radiance that came with maturity, with life experience, with parenthood. Whatever it was, Evelyn practically glowed, happiness radiating from her face as she looked at Radford. He shared a private smile with her.
The fireplace crackled with dancing flames as Boyd and Evelyn made their way to join the others by the fireplace. Amelia stood as Evelyn’s matron of honor. After they exchanged a happy hug, Evelyn linked hands with Radford. He leaned down to whisper something in her ear, something that made her face light up with laughter, and they turned to Duke who was waiting to marry them.
It was a short,
beautiful ceremony that brought tears of happiness to Nancy’s eyes. It also brought memories flooding back of the day she exchanged vows with Hal, and thoughts about taking vows with Dawson. The reality of what he was asking rolled over her like an ocean wave, knocking her off balance emotionally. She clutched her handkerchief to her pounding chest, hating herself in that moment because, God forgive her, she wanted to marry him.
She wanted to share her days with Dawson.
She wanted to snuggle in his arms at night and enjoy her morning cup of coffee at the table with him. She wanted companionship.
She wanted love.
As Duke’s words trailed off, Radford wrapped Evelyn in his arms and gave her a tender kiss, his love for her apparent to all. Nancy smiled through her tears, remembering the hard journey that Radford and Evelyn traveled to find each other. It brought her joy to see that her boys had all found true love, and it made her acutely aware that everyone needed love—including her.
She looked up into Dawson’s eyes and smiled. Her thoughts of Hal today, in this wonderful setting with her son and daughter-in-law celebrating their love, made her wonder how she could even expect to share that kind of love again with another man. But looking into Dawson’s eyes, she knew it was more than friendship and attraction she felt for him.
Could she allow herself to experience that kind of love again with Dawson? Or would she protect her love for Hal and spend the rest of her life alone? These questions plagued her throughout the evening.
“I can almost see your thoughts by your expression,” Rebecca said, linking her arm through Nancy’s. “You taught all of us to follow what was in our heart, and that’s helped each of us to lead a happy life. Now I’m here to remind you to do the same, Grandma.”
Nancy looked at her granddaughter, somewhat amazed to find her so mature. To Nancy, Rebecca would always be her little granddaughter. But she was a grown woman whose own struggles had taught her a lot about life and love. “You are too wise for your age.”
Rebecca laughed. “I learned a few things from you, grandmother, especially while we were living together in Crane Landing. When I stopped analyzing everything and starting letting my heart tell me the right thing to do, life got much better. Sometimes you need to be willing to step right into uncertainty even when you’re afraid. So I’m going to show you how well I’ve learned that lesson from you. Come with me.” Rebecca led Nancy to the piano in Claire and Boyd’s music room where she sat on the bench. “Here I go, Grandma, straight into uncertainty.”
Rebecca’s fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment before she tentatively picked out notes to a song Nancy loved. As Nancy watched, Rebecca’s brows creased in determination as she continued to pick her way note by note through the song.
It stunned Nancy that Rebecca remembered the song, and that she was attempting the piano again, something she had avoided since her accident, and that she continued on even when she hit a wrong note.
“Do you remember teaching me this song, Grandma?” Rebecca asked.
Tears filled Nancy’s eyes as she thought back to her little Rebecca sitting on her lap at the pianoforte, her little hands barely able to span three keys. “I remember it like it was yesterday.”
Joy lit Rebecca’s face. “Everything is coming back to me slowly.”
The knowledge that her granddaughter was truly healing and recapturing her lost memories was Nancy’s undoing. Tears spilled over her lashes, and she felt a strong arm wrap around her shoulders. She turned to find herself in Radford’s arms, his own eyes misty. Beside him, Evelyn was smiling as if she’d always known Rebecca’s strength would lead her out of her darkness. But Nancy knew it wasn’t just the sheer determination that had gotten Rebecca to this point, but also the love and devotion that Adam and her entire family had carried as a torch that had helped her find her way back.
While the family continued their lively celebration of Radford and Evelyn’s reaffirmation of their vows, and Adam and Rebecca’s newly announced pregnancy, Nancy stood back and took it all in. This was the legacy she’d created with Hal. From their union came these four wonderful sons, and all of her beautiful daughters-in-law and their darling children.
Overcome, she moved into Dawson’s arms. “Time is passing so quickly,” she whispered. “It’s truly shocking to realize that my babies are growing up and moving on with their own lives.”
Dawson nodded and leaned down to say quietly, “Perhaps it’s time for you to move on as well.”
Chapter Fourteen
December 30, 1890
The few days following Radford and Evelyn’s ceremony had been quiet. No further snow had fallen but cold weather moved in off the lake, bringing harsh winds and bitter cold. It was just too cold for Nancy to want to leave the house. Adam had spent his days at the mill and she knew he appreciated the time with his father and uncles. Rebecca had spent much of each day with her mother, leaving Nancy and Dawson to spend their time alone in the house.
Even though the gas heat kept the house a comfortable temperature, each afternoon, Dawson built a roaring fire in the parlor where they would snuggle in and talk. Dawson told her all kinds of stories about shipping and sailing and what it was like to grow up on the shores of Crane Landing. His last story about paddling an old skiff out into the bay only to have it sink beneath him had her laughing until her stomach hurt. His boyish outrage still showed in his expression, as if the old boat had intentionally betrayed him.
She could imagine him in his youth, a strong, handsome boy with superior intelligence building his own small sailing vessel at the age of twenty. Back then his hair would have been sandy brown, washed with sunshine from his days spent at the shipyard. He would have climbed mast poles and scaffolding and walked without a limp. Suddenly, she was able to understand what he’d lost, what the accident had cost him.
As Dawson finished with the fire, he joined her on the sofa, and she welcomed him with a warm smile.
“You seem relaxed today,” he said, snuggling in beside her.
It’s because she was imagining this time with Dawson as part of her daily life. And she liked it. She could imagine this sort of life, surrounded by her family, her days and nights filled with Dawson’s companionship, frequent trips to Crane Landing to see Rebecca and Adam… and soon their baby. In that moment it felt possible. And so Nancy shut out the memories and the self-recriminations that made her heart bleed and simply allowed herself to enjoy the moment.
The sound of someone entering the house though the kitchen door had her glancing at Dawson in surprise. “Well, who could that be?” she asked, leaving the sofa to head to the kitchen.
“Hello, Mother. We’re here to fill your woodbin,” Boyd said, his arms full of wood as he entered the parlor. Kyle came in behind him, his arms filled with mill scraps as well. They both said hello to Dawson, who was still sitting on the sofa. “I’m not sure you need this firewood since you have someone keeping you warm now,” Boyd joked, as he dumped an armful of wood into the bin.
Dawson laughed, but Nancy’s cheeks heated. “Would you boys like some tea?” she asked.
“No, thanks,” Boyd said, sitting in the rocking chair. “But you and Kyle go ahead. I want to pester Dawson for a couple of minutes while I let my feet warm up.”
Kyle followed her back to the kitchen, but he seemed quiet and pensive.
“Something on your mind today?” she asked, the brooding look on his face suggesting he was turning something over in his mind. From boyhood, Kyle had been a deep thinker and careful planner, which had made him a successful businessman. But the boy could get a thought stuck in his craw and chew on it like a bone. “You might as well spit out whatever you’re chewing on, Kyle.”
She poured two cups of tea and handed one to Kyle before sitting opposite him at the table. He gazed at her for a moment and then said, “I’m concerned about you, Mother. It appears that you and Dawson have a much closer relationship than I realized. Are you considering marrying him?”
“No, I was simply trying to ascertain the direction of your relationship, but it appears I’ve waded into a conversation you’re having with Dawson.”
“Kyle, this is… I’m not ready to discuss this with Dawson, much less with anyone else.” She sighed and covered his cold knuckles. “Please keep this to yourself. Even thinking about this tears my heart out, and I couldn’t bear to be questioned about this. Please, Kyle.”
“Of course, Mom. I hadn’t meant to intrude on your privacy. I just want to make sure you’re all right.”
Nancy’s heart beat rapidly and she pressed her hand to her chest, hoping to steady her voice before answering, “We’re friends, Kyle. Dawson has been good to Adam and Rebecca, and he’s become my friend as well.”
Kyle arched an eyebrow. “I know you don’t want to discuss this, but give me the courtesy and respect I deserve. I know your feelings for him are deeper than friendship. And I have no doubt that his run deeper as well. I’ve seen it. The entire family has seen it. You can at least be honest about that.”
Anything she thought to say stuck in her throat.
With a sigh, Kyle leaned back in his chair. “I can see that Dawson cares about you, and I see how you look at him. Are you ready to marry again?”
She pressed her hands to her cheeks and shook her head, unable to answer because there were too many thoughts circling her mind.
He studied her for a long moment, as if he wanted to tell her something, or press her for an answer. Instead, he said, “Be careful, Mom. I don’t want you to set yourself up for a broken heart.”
Kyle’s concern came from his love for her. He’d had been the caretaker of their family for so many years that it was in his nature to look after her. She stood and walked around the table, and then wrapped her arms around his neck. She rested her head on his. “You are such a good son.” She kissed the top of his wool hat. “I appreciate your concern, but you don’t need to worry about me, Kyle. You’ve carried that burden your entire life. I love you, son, but this is not a dilemma even you can resolve. This is something I have to figure out on my own; something I need to take care of myself.” She leaned back and met his eyes, the same eyes of the little boy who’d hugged her when she cried after Hal’s diagnosis. The same eyes of the teenage boy who helped to care for his father before his death, and then mourned so deeply when his father took his last breath. Kyle had given up so much to run their family business and ensure Nancy and his younger brothers were taken care of, and here he was still looking after her.