Chances Are

by Wendy Lindstrom

  She’d spent a lot of time comparing her relationships with Hal and Dawson. She’d invaded Hal’s world, determined to make a place for herself in his home and in his heart. She’d always worried that she’d forced him into a relationship with her. She never doubted his love for her, but wondered what his life might have been given different circumstances. But Dawson had offered to fit himself into her life and had invited her into his.

  And it was tempting.

  It had been so wonderful to spend her days with a partner again. She loved Dawson’s companionship. He was like Crane River, light and playful on the surface, yet deceptively powerful the deeper one looked.

  His desire for her was intoxicating. It felt so good to feel like a woman again. But sitting in this chair so lovingly crafted by her husband, she felt her betrayal cut a river through her chest. No matter how deeply she missed Dawson, or how much she wanted to be with him, she couldn’t betray her vows with Hal. He deserved her loyalty.

  Plus, Rebecca had written that she’d asked Dawson about the item he’d left behind, and that Dawson said it wasn’t intentional. He didn’t know that he’d left behind his cufflink which meant he wasn’t using the oversight as a reason to contact her again. And that meant, when he left he’d intended it to be for good.

  Hearing the clock chime on the wall drew her away from senseless thoughts. She hadn’t realized it gotten so late. The fire in the fireplace had diminished and it was nearly mid-afternoon. Her grandchildren would be stopping by shortly after school let out. She’d promised to have sugar cookies for them today. After stoking the fire and replenishing its flame, she went to the kitchen and pulled out her mixing bowl. As she retrieved the needed items from her pantry, she saw the apron Dawson had worn the last time they cooked together. She picked up the apron and buried her face in it, wishing it contained his scent, wishing it were tied around Dawson’s waist and that he was right here with her.

  What was he doing right now? Would he be tucked in his little cottage beside a warm fire? Or was it mild enough today for him to walk along the river? Or perhaps he was at the shipyard now. Rebecca had said that Dawson was working every day.

  But Nancy wasn’t privy to his life anymore because his letters had stopped. When he’d walked out, he hadn’t looked back. Not once. Not one word had been spoken between them since the night she blurted out her hurtful words.

  As her thoughts tumbled through her mind like the rapids on Crane River, she mixed the dough, spooned it onto cookie sheets, and popped them in the oven. While they baked, she washed the dishes and put them away. She’d just taken out the last sheet of cookies and turned off the oven, when someone knocked on her front door. She placed the cookie sheet on the sideboard, tugged off her apron, and hurried to the foyer. It was too early for the children to be home, and they never knocked – they just came barreling into her home. And since she wasn’t expecting anyone else, the knock was a bit baffling. She hustled to the front door, and was stunned to find Leo on the other side, a package in his hand.

  “Leo! Oh, my goodness, it’s wonderful to see you! Come in out of the cold, dear. What are you doing in town?” she asked, biting her tongue to keep from asking the other twenty questions on her mind. Have you seen Dawson? How is he doing? Does he ever talk about me? Do you think he misses me as desperately as I miss him?

  “I’m picking up Benny and taking him to Charleston with me to meet up with my brother Ashe and our other siblings, Gray and River. We’re all going to be there!” he said, his eyes lit with joy and a bit of wonder, as if he still couldn’t believe he’d finally found his family. “Even Cal is going to meet us there.”

  Tears filled Nancy’s eyes and she pulled Leo into a hard hug. She loved him as if he were her own child, and to know he’d finally found his family after searching endlessly for so many years, filled her heart with joy. “I can only imagine how you must feel right now, Leo.” She released him and said, “Good for you, honey. I’ll bet Benny is eager to meet the rest of his family for the first time.”

  Laughing, Leo nodded. “He’s excited about all of it, traveling with me, going to Charleston, and meeting three brothers and a sister he’s never known. We’re leaving in the morning. I wanted to stop by and see you for a few minutes while I was in town. Adam and Rebecca send their love, of course.”

  Nancy clasped her hands beneath her chin. “Is Rebecca showing yet?”

  “Women are sneaky about camouflaging their bodies beneath yards of material, so I’m not the one to ask.” Leo grinned and shrugged. “She looks healthy and deliriously happy, though.”

  Nancy laughed. “Thank you, Leo. That’s good to know. Would you like some tea? I just pulled sugar cookies from the oven.”

  “Thank you, but I want to spend as much time as possible with Tansy and Cyrus while I’m here. I just wanted to stop in for a few minutes to see you. And to give you this,” he said, handing her what appeared to be a rectangular board in a cloth sack. “I promised Dawson that I would deliver this to you as soon as I arrived in town.”

  She glanced a Leo in surprise, her heart skipping a beat. “Dawson sent this? What is it?”

  “I don’t know. He just said to tell you that there is a note inside and asked me to place this package straight into your hands when I arrived. So here I am.”

  Just hearing Dawson’s name, knowing he’d sent something to her, made Nancy’s heart beat hard. Her hands shook as she untied the string holding the sack closed. She pulled out a framed canvas, with a folded piece of paper tucked in the corner of the frame. She took the paper in her hand and turned the wooden frame over, revealing a vibrant painting.

  She gasped as her eyes took in the scene on the canvas.

  The painting depicted a magnificent three-masted schooner cutting through deep blue-gray choppy waters, its sails unfurled beneath an ominous stormy sky. The ship was weather-beaten but wore her experience and her name Second Chance like a badge of honor. She appeared strong and beautiful. And at the helm was a woman with deep auburn hair blowing in the wind, and a look of fearless determination on her face. The painting was breathtaking. Was that supposed to be her at the helm of that glorious ship? Was this Dawson’s way of trying to visually express what he’d tried to say to her in words, but she’d been unwilling to listen. If so, he’d painted her as a strong, beautiful woman with life experiences under her belt, but many adventures ahead of her.

  “That is magnificent,” Leo said, his voice filled with the awe Nancy felt inside.

  But she could only nod her agreement as she passed the painting to him. She unfolded the paper and read its contents while Leo continued to admire the painting. As she read, she grasped her throat, struggling to breathe around the wad of emotion clogging her throat.

  My beloved Nancy,

  The winter in Crane Landing has been cold, but my heart remains warm with thoughts of you. I wanted to thank you for sharing your time and your family with me. I will always treasure the memories we made. I’ll be honest, I’d hoped to create more memories with you. You are my beloved schooner, full of life experiences and stories to tell, but with so much life left in you and so many adventures left to experience, it hurts me to see you clinging to dry dock. You were meant to sail, Nancy. I want to be the man to give you those adventures. I know you love Hal, and you always will. I am grateful to Hal for showing you how to love and be loved. I understand that Hal will always have a place in your life and in your heart, and I honor and respect that. But can you not make room in your heart and your life for another love? I promise that I’ll care for your love as well as Hal did. If you dare to raise your sails again, Nancy, I’ll be right here in Crane Landing, in my little house by the river where I first fell in love with you, listening to the soothing song she sings and waiting for you to sail into the bay.

  Your Second Chance Love,

  Dawson

  As Nancy finished reading, she looked back at the painting again. Dawson was inviting her into his world, welcoming her into
it, but at the same time, he was showing her that she didn’t have to lose her past in order to do that. But she would need to venture outside the dry dock if she wanted to experience life at his side.

  But how could she?

  What would that mean for her family? She looked at her wedding band and shook her head. She couldn’t do it.

  But how could she walk away from the love Dawson was offering her?

  “Are you all right?” Leo asked. “Would you like me to stay with you a while? Or fetch Radford or Evelyn? For you?”

  “No, Leo, I’m… I’m sorry, honey. Go visit your family. I have to go out now.” She yanked her coat off the coat tree by the door, and after pulling Leo into a hard hug, she rushed out into the cold.

  Nancy fled out Liberty Street, the tears she’d held back for so long now filling her eyes. It was too much! Her heart couldn’t bear these burdens another minute. Her mind was a jumble, but her feet knew where she needed to go, and they took her to the mill.

  Thoughts of Hal and of Dawson, of her family, and of herself swirled like a whirlpool around the rocks in Crane River.

  She hadn’t meant to betray Hal and their wedding vows. But he’d been gone for so many years, and she was deeply, desperately lonely.

  Her grief over losing Hal had been crushing. But there had been no other option for her but to move on with her life and with raising their children.

  She’d done that. She’d been a good wife and a good mother and she loved being a grandmother. But she wanted a little something for herself—and that selfish need buried her in guilt.

  She stumbled into the mill yard, still grasping Dawson’s letter, unsure what she intended to do now that she’d gotten here. This is where she’d spent time with Hal. This is where she would find him during the day if she needed him. And dear heaven above, she needed him now.

  Clutching her coat around her, trying to see through the blur of her tears, she headed for the office, unaware of what was going on around her.

  “Mrs. Grayson! Hold up!” she heard a man yell. She looked up to see a wagon just feet away and heading straight towards her, the two powerful Percherons bearing down on her as the driver hauled on the reins attempting to avoid running her down. She jumped back just as the horses passed her, the half-empty wagon rattling behind them as the crewmember pulled them to a halt. Before he could ask if she was all right, she took another step back and caught her boot heel on the edge of some scrap wood. With tears in her eyes and her arms flailing wide, she attempted to turn and break her fall. But before she could hit the ground, two strong arms hauled her upright. She turned and burst into tears as she threw herself against Boyd’s chest.

  “Mother, what is it? What’s the matter?” Boyd asked as he set her back enough to see her face. “What’s happened?”

  “I miss your father…” she said, sobbing against the back of her hand.

  “Oh, Mom…” Boyd pulled her into his arms and rocked her for a minute. “Before we get run over out here, let me take you inside.”

  Nancy couldn’t even argue. She had no idea what to do with herself. She couldn’t think beyond the pain in her heart.

  Boyd led her safely through the yard and into the office. He escorted her to a chair by the wall and sat her down. “Stay here, Mother. I’m going to get Kyle and the others.”

  “I’m sorry, Boyd. I… I didn’t mean to bother you boys at work. You go back to work, do what you need to do. I’ll be all right here. I just need a few minutes to collect myself,” she said, trying to stem her tears.

  “Stay right here,” he said, and then hustled out the door shouting for his brothers.

  Nancy sat for a moment, looking around the mill office that had occupied so much of Hal’s life during their marriage. Kyle and the boys had made many changes since taking over, but this place had helped to build their future together. The statue of Hal that Boyd had carved brought another rush of tears to her eyes. Boyd had inherited Hal’s artistic skills and so many other wonderful traits of his. She crossed the office and placed her palm on the wooden likeness of her loving husband.

  “I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Hal. I miss you so much it hurts.” She moved her hand up to his cheek, as though it were Hal himself. “I’m so sorry that I’m failing you....”

  Her tears fell as she wrapped her arms around the statue, trying to find comfort from the wooden likeness of her husband. But it wasn’t Hal, and that made her cry harder because she was in love with two men, one living and one dead, and she no longer had the strength to carry that weight on her heart.

  She felt herself being turned into Kyle’s strong arms. “I’ve got you, Mom.” That’s all he said as he held her against his broad chest. Those strong shoulders of his had carried her and their family when they were broken. This serious, beautiful boy of hers was the bedrock of their family, and without him they may have scattered to the winds or shattered into a million pieces. He’d sacrificed everything to hold their family together when she couldn’t have done it, and now he was holding her together… again.

  Nancy flattened her palms against Kyle’s strong back and hugged her son.

  Dawson’s letter fell to the floor at their feet.

  Duke retrieved the paper she’d dropped.

  Radford rubbed her back and handed her a clean handkerchief. “Mother, what’s going on? Please, talk to us before our imaginations make us panic.”

  Leaning back, Nancy took the offered handkerchief and wiped her face, still unable to speak.

  “I think I know what’s going on,” Duke said, lifting the note, his brows furrowed. “Is it this letter from Dawson the cause of your distress, Mother?”

  She nodded. “Partially,” she said, and paused to blow her nose.

  Duke passed the note to Radford, who read it with Boyd reading over his shoulder. “I’m not sure why this is so upsetting for you,” Radford said.

  “What is it?” Kyle asked, reaching for the note.

  “Well, it appears from this letter that Dawson is in love with Mom,” Duke said. “But what about you, Mom? Are you in love with him?”

  She looked directly at each of her boys before answering, letting them see every shred of grief and sorrow and guilt she felt. “I didn’t mean to but, yes, I’ve fallen in love with Dawson.”

  For a moment, they were all quiet, as if they weren’t certain how to answer. Then Boyd, the one who always found words even in the most awkward of situations, said, “We know.”

  She stared at him, bewildered. How could they have known when she hadn’t been willing to admit it to herself?

  The others acknowledged his comment with a nod, but Duke said, “What we don’t know is why you find this so upsetting.”

  Another gush of tears flooded her eyes. “Because I promised to love your father forever. Always and forever, that’s what I told him. I promised,” she whispered. “I promised.” She paused and drew in a shaky breath before continuing, tears still burning her eyes. “I want you boys to know that I still love him with every fiber of my being, but my loving another man has betrayed that love and broken my promise to your father. I didn’t mean to fall in love with Dawson, but I have. I know that my place is here with you boys. In Fredonia. But I miss Dawson, and my heart hurts from carrying all of this. That’s all. I’m sorry to have burdened you boys with my troubles.”

  “Mother, I think I speak for all of us when I say that there is nothing wrong with you falling in love again,” Radford said. “I’ve watched you over these years, selflessly raising us and helping us all grow into the men that we’ve become. You are one of the most selfless and loving people I know, and if anyone deserves to be happy, you do.”

  “That’s right,” Boyd said, jumping in. “You have a lot of years ahead of you and I suspect they’d be happier if you share them with Dawson.”

  Duke picked up where Boyd left off. “Mother, you can’t spend the rest of your life living for us and your grandchildren. You need to do something for you
rself. We like Dawson. He’s a good man, and it’s evident how much he cares for you. But you know what else is evident? How happy he makes you. We can see that. You were happier those weeks around Christmas than I think we’d see you since before Dad got sick.”

  “And when Dawson left, we could see that you were heartbroken.” Radford drew her into a side-armed hug. “We’ve all talked about this. If Dawson makes you happy, and we think he does, then you and Dawson have our blessing to build a life together.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t do it. Despite my less than admirable behavior, I’m still married to your father.”

  Kyle’s large hand grasped hers. “I have something to give you.” He went to his desk across the office, opened the top drawer and pulled out a cigar box. He returned to where she stood with the other boys and opened the box. He pulled out a small wooden box with a beautiful heart and fluttering ribbons carved in the top. “This is from Dad. He asked me to hold onto it until you were ready. I think you’re finally ready.”

  Nancy gazed at the box and glanced up at Kyle. “This is really from your father?”

  He nodded. “It was the last thing he made. Boyd helped him finish the ribbon. I helped him write the letter that’s inside.”

  Her hands shook as she accepted the box. Even as his illness progressed and he knew there was only one eventuality, Hal was thinking of her. Swimming in guilt, she opened the box and took out the letter that had been folded to fit inside. The familiar scrawl of her husband’s hand across the front of the yellowed paper brought the tears flowing back to her eyes. She swept her hand slowly across her name written on the outside, as if she could feel him on the paper. Her hands continued to shake as she unfolded the paper, edges yellowing over the years of since it had been written. Inside, she could see where Hal had needed Kyle’s help penning the words, and her heart cramped thinking of her husband and son laboring together over this letter—because they loved her so much they knew she would need this one day.