Well, that’s a relief.
Dr. Reid flips through the chart in front of her, nodding to herself. “So Anna,” she says, “it looks like you’re eight weeks along.”
She nods.
“What we’re going to do today is some bloodwork,” the doctor says. “You’ve already had your yearly pap smear so we don’t need to worry about that. It’s too early to hear the heartbeat on your belly but I’d like to get you in for an ultrasound today.”
She nods again. An ultrasound. We’re actually going to see the baby.
“However…” Dr. Reid raises her eyebrows at Anna. “At your visits, we’re going to need to take your blood pressure. The nurse told me you refused just now.”
I turn my head to stare at Anna. I was in the bathroom when she was with the nurse and didn’t realize she’d refused a blood pressure.
“The cuff was dirty,” Anna says, holding her right hand over her left upper arm protectively.
“Monitoring blood pressure is really important in pregnancy,” Dr. Reid says patiently. “A high blood pressure can signal something really wrong with you, like preeclampsia. It can be life-threatening.”
“My blood pressure is fine.” Anna scoots her butt back on the examining table, inching away from the doctor. “I don’t need it checked.”
“Anna, come on,” I say. “Just let them take your blood pressure. It’s not that big a deal.”
She shakes her head wordlessly.
This is not going well. We’ve been with the doctor for less than five minutes and she’s already being impossible. Is she even going to let them take her blood? Will she let them put the ultrasound probe on her belly?
All I can think is I wish I could go through this for her.
I take her hand in mine and give it a gentle squeeze. At first I’m worried she’s going to pull away, but she doesn’t. “Please do this, Anna,” I say. “It’s to make sure the baby is okay. You want the baby to be okay, right?”
Anna looks at me. She’s obviously feeling very conflicted right now. But she finally squares her shoulders and says to Dr. Reid in a trembling voice, “Okay, take my blood pressure.”
How the hell is this woman ever going to give birth?
Chapter 19: Anna
I’d somehow forgotten how much I hated doctors’ offices.
Between graduating high school and when I first went to Dr. Reid to start getting birth control a few years ago, I could count on one hand the number of times I’d been to doctors. I practice meticulous handwashing so I am rarely ill, so there was never any need. When I did visit a doctor, I always wore a mask and made certain nobody would touch me unless they were properly gowned and gloved. And even then, I was reluctant.
My first visit to Dr. Reid took place a few months after I’d started having regular intercourse with Matt. He found it difficult to climax when we used a condom, and he figured since we were exclusive with each other (I, in fact, had never been with anyone but him), we should be able to use birth control pills.
I was so terrified the first time I saw Dr. Reid, I took two Xanax prior to my visit. I remember watching the doctor enter the room, looking far younger than I would have expected, her blond ponytail swinging behind her head.
“Hello, Ms. Flint,” she said, because it was before Matt and I married and I changed my last name.
“Hello,” I said. I crossed my legs, in case she had any ideas.
She looked me up and down, taking in the fact that I was still fully dressed and also wearing an isolation mask on my face. “You were supposed to change into the gown.”
I glanced at the gown, lying behind me on the examining table, still folded. “I don’t like gowns.”
“Well, you don’t have to wear it,” she said, “but I do have to ask you to undress from the waist-down.”
“Why?”
Dr. Reid frowned at me, her light brown eyebrows furrowing together. “You’re here for a pap smear, aren’t you?”
“No, I just want birth control pills because my boyfriend doesn’t want to use condoms anymore.”
“Uh huh…” She rubbed her thumb against her chin. “And you are each other’s only partners?”
“Of course we are!” I burst out. “He’s the only man I’ve ever been with. And he’s… there’s no one else but me. I’m sure of it.”
“And when was your last pap smear?”
“Never.”
“Never?” She looked shocked. What sort of world is this where the most shocking thing is to be a thirty-three-year-old woman who has never had a pap smear? Good thing I didn’t meet her a year earlier, when I was still a virgin.
“I wasn’t sexually active until recently,” was all I said.
“Uh huh…” She was looking me over, trying to figure me out. What’s wrong with her? I could see it in her eyes. I couldn’t figure out why she didn’t just look at my medication list. That would give her all the answers she needed. “Look, Ms. Flint… can I call you Anna?”
I nodded, glad she asked.
“I can’t give you birth control pills without a pap smear, Anna,” Dr. Reid said. “And really, a woman your age should have one. You don’t want to end up with cervical cancer.”
I already knew cervical cancer is spread via certain subtypes of the human papilloma virus, which are transmitted sexually. The fact that I was only sexually active with one man put me at lower risk. However, before me, Matt had been with many other women. He swore he always used a condom, but the truth is, you just can’t know.
Still. I did not want her to put that metal speculum inside my body.
Dr. Reid raised an eyebrow at me. “Maybe next time?”
It took two more visits and a lot more Xanax, but I finally got through a pap smear and went home with a prescription for my pills.
I’ve gotten used to my visits with Dr. Reid. I don’t wear a mask anymore to her office, because I recognize most of the women there are not ill with a contagious disease. But today I am feeling more anxious than I have in a long time. After all, this is the beginning of many appointments. I will have to come here monthly from now on.
I nearly decline when it is time to have the ultrasound. I am exhausted from the ordeal of having to come here, allowing my blood pressure to be taken, and then having my blood drawn. Who knew having a baby would be so much work? But Matt took off half a day of work to see this ultrasound and I don’t want to let him down. He has been very patient with me. He deserves this.
As we’re in the waiting room, waiting for the ultrasound tech to call us in for the exam, I notice a box of isolation masks on the reception desk. I sigh with relief and run to grab a mask. I put it on my face and instantly feel better. If I can’t have Xanax, these masks are the next best thing. Maybe I can start wearing them to work.
Except I notice Matt is staring at me. “What are you doing?”
“To prevent infection,” I explain.
“Infection?” He shakes his head. “Who’s infected?”
“Well, this is a medical building,” I point out.
“Anna, we’re the only patients in the whole room.”
Admittedly, he’s correct. “But there were patients here before us.”
He keeps shaking his head, then finally lets out a sigh. “Okay, fine. Just promise me you’re going to take it off when we leave here.”
Actually, I had been hoping I could wear it in his car. I know that sounds silly, since I never wore it before in his car. But now I have a baby growing inside me—surely he’ll understand how wearing this mask will protect the baby. Neither of us want anything to happen to our baby.
The mask really helps me though. When the ultrasound tech finally calls us in, I don’t feel nearly as panicky as I did before. Matt mumbles something to her about me having a cold, and she doesn’t question his lie further.
There’s just barely room for Matt’s wheelchair after the tech moves a chair out of the way. She has me lie down on a table and roll up my shirt. If I didn’t
have those eleven pregnancy tests and now two missed periods, it would be hard to believe I’m pregnant. My stomach is completely flat. I suppose that’s normal for the first trimester.
Or is it?
What if I’m not really pregnant? What if all those tests were wrong? What if I have a tumor that’s causing my missed periods and altering my hormones, but I’m not actually having a baby?
I start to shake. My breaths feel like they’re coming faster than normal and I want to rip off the facemask, even though it comforts me. I reach out for Matt’s hand, and he knows what I want and grabs it.
“Matt,” I hiss.
He brushes some wispy strands of hair from my face. “Are you okay? You’re all sweaty.”
“What if there’s no baby?” I say.
He gives me The Look. That’s what I call it. Matt is used to some of my less rational fears and worries, but sometimes I say something that baffles him so much, he gives me a look like he has no idea what to make of me. I call it The Look. That’s what he’s giving me now.
“No baby?” he says. He looks up at the ultrasound tech, who shrugs. “What are you talking about?”
“Look at my stomach!” I say. “How could there be a whole baby in there?”
“That’s normal for so early in pregnancy, Mrs. Harper,” the tech tells me. “Especially for a little wisp of a thing like you.”
She puts her hand on my shoulder to reassure me, but her touch nearly makes me jump out of my skin. I forcibly brush her hand off me, which makes her eyes go wide.
“Anna doesn’t like to be touched,” Matt mumbles to the tech, not meeting her eyes.
“Oh.” And now the tech is giving me The Look. But I’m used to it from strangers. “Listen, let’s do the ultrasound. Then we’ll see what’s really in there and you’ll feel better. Okay, Mrs. Harper?”
My breaths are coming in shallow now. Matt is stroking my hair and he does pull off the facemask, which makes me feel both better and worse. I feel tears rising in my eyes. There’s no baby. I know it. How could someone as abnormal as myself be able to create a new life? It’s impossible.
I am seconds away from leaping off the table and telling them to forget the whole thing when the tech drops the ultrasound probe on my stomach. I roll my head to look at the screen next to her and see it’s gone black in the center, white on the edges. Matt is still holding my hand, but his eyes are now focused on the screen as well.
The probe rolls around my belly, searching. I grip Matt’s hand with all my strength. I am hardly breathing at all now. There’s no baby. I’m certain of it. How could there be?
“Here it is!” the tech says triumphantly.
I look where she’s pointing. There’s a white blob in the middle of the black circle that looks like a lima bean. There’s something flickering in the center of the lima bean.
“We’ve got a heartbeat,” she announces.
I look over at Matt and he’s tearing up. I’ve never seen him cry before and I don’t think he’s going to do it now, but this is the closest I’ve ever seen him. He squeezes my hand as hard as I was squeezing his a minute ago.
“So that means the baby is really in there?” I ask, peering down at my flat belly in amazement. “It’s okay?”
The tech grins at me. “You got a good one in there.”
Wow. I really have a baby inside of me. This is real. I’m going to be a mother.
Oh God, I hope I don’t do anything to hurt the baby.
Chapter 20: Anna
“So what’s new, Anna?”
I’m about five minutes into my weekly phone call to my mother, and she’s asking me for a rundown of my recent activities. It occurs to me I haven’t mentioned my pregnancy to her. I suppose that counts as something new.
“I’m pregnant,” I say.
Matt looks up from where he’s sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap. He’s frowning at me, mouthing the words, “Who is that?”
I mouth back: “My mother.” Who else would it be?
“Oh my God, Anna!” Mom exclaims. “That’s incredible! Sweetheart! I didn’t even know you were trying.”
“Well, we were,” I say. I didn’t tell anyone we were trying. Matt was the one who told Jake, who told Lisa. I never wanted them to know. I didn’t see how it was anyone’s business but our own.
Mom’s voice lowers on the other line. “I didn’t even know you wanted a…”
I almost tell her Matt was the one who wanted a baby, not me, but I have realized this is not information I should share with people. After all, I don’t want my child to think he or she was not wanted by me.
“We’ll only be having one,” I say instead.
“Well, that’s incredible,’ she sighs. “I’m going to have another grandchild. Ooh, can I tell your father or do you want to tell him?”
I shrug. “You can tell him.”
“Can I speak to Matt?”
I hand my cell phone over to Matt, who takes it, but is shaking his head. I don’t know why he wouldn’t want to talk to my mother though. Mom loves Matt. When I first introduced him to her, she seemed a little hesitant about the fact that he uses a wheelchair, but he won her over fast. She always thought I’d be single the rest of my life, or else end up with a guy who had the same problems as me, so she was thrilled and surprised Matt is so nice and normal.
I’m surprised too sometimes.
“Hi, Beth,” Matt says to my mother. I hear squealing on the other end. “Yeah, we’re really excited. She’s only nine weeks along, so… yeah, long way to go…….. Uh huh, I know what you mean.” He laughs at something my mother says to him. “We’ll definitely come by soon……. Yeah, I’ll talk her into it. I promise.”
When Matt hangs up the phone, the first thing I say is, “I don’t want to go there for dinner.”
He rolls his eyes. “Anna, they’re your parents…”
“Her food makes me nauseated.”
“Everything makes you nauseous now.”
“Nauseated,” I correct him. “If you say I’m ‘nauseous,’ then you’re saying I’m making other people nauseated.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Matt!”
He grins at me. “Look, Anna, they just want to see us. And honestly, I thought it would be nice if we told our parents… you know, together.”
I shift on the sofa, narrowing my eyes at him. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s obviously too late for your parents,” he says, “but I thought we could invite my parents over for dinner and tell them then. Together.”
“I’d rather not.”
He reaches over to poke me in the arm. “Well, guess what, it’s not your choice. We’re having them over.”
I sigh. “Fine, but you know your mother hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you.”
“She absolutely does.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
Chapter 21: Matt
My mother hates Anna.
Okay, “hate” might be a strong word. She doesn’t like Anna. She finds her unpleasant. She doesn’t like being around her. She occasionally still hints I might be happier with someone else.
But whenever Anna brings it up, I pretend this isn’t the case. I pretend it’s all in her head, even though Anna is surprisingly perceptive about this one. Of course, my mom isn’t exactly subtle.
Before Anna, I hadn’t introduced my mother to a girl since college. I didn’t have any serious relationships in my early twenties, and then when I started to lose my mobility, dating became more of a struggle. After the MS put me in a wheelchair, my mother was clearly worried I would never get a date again. She would make patronizing comments like, You should put yourself out there more, Matt. You’ve still got a lot to offer to the right woman.
It got to the point where I became an expert at changing the subject whenever my mother brought up my personal life.
For obvious reasons, I hadn’t been eager to tell my mother about Anna
. I knew the second Mom knew I was in a serious relationship, she’d want to meet the lucky girl, but Anna’s not a people person. But the issue got forced. Mom was on the phone with me, telling me about the daughter of a woman she knew from church, her voice dripping with suggestion. “She’s a little older than you, Matt… divorced, you know. A little heavy, but such a nice girl. You should meet her.”
“Uh…” I said.
“I told her that you can’t walk,” she said. Well, great. “She didn’t mind.”
“Mom…”
“I know what you’re thinking, but you can’t be picky,” she said. “You’ve got to be lonely. And not everyone is willing to date a man who—”
“Mom, stop,” I finally said. “Look, I’m seeing someone. A girl. And… it’s pretty serious.”
For the first and only time ever, my mother screamed with joy.
I told her just enough about Anna. I explained Anna was a bit of a “germaphobe,” which she thought was wonderful, because “young people are such slobs these days.” I left out the part where Anna had to take three medications to keep from washing her hands every fifteen minutes, because, you know, best not to tell your mother than your girlfriend is mentally ill. “Germaphobe” sounds cute.
Anna saw the whole thing going down in flames before I did. She tried to worm out of it, but considering we were planning to move in together soon, it wasn’t realistic for her not to ever meet my mother—even she knew it. I warned her my mother would probably hug her when she came in, and I had to applaud Anna for the way she endured that hug. She looked like she wanted to shove my mother away from her, but to her credit, she didn’t.
“Oh my gosh, you are so pretty!” Mom gushed to Anna. “I see why Matt likes you so much.”
And then we were both blushing.
“Can I help you in the kitchen, dear?” Mom asked Anna.
She opened her mouth, ready to say no. Anna wasn’t a fan of having people in her kitchen. But I gave her a look, and she reluctantly nodded. And the two of them disappeared into Anna’s kitchen while my father and I went to watch football in the living room.
Baby Crazy (Matt & Anna Book 2) Page 8
