by Marie Marini
When she opened the door…what can I say about that? I think I had forgotten just how hot she could be when she wanted to. She was playing it up that night. From her cute little painted toe nails to the light mascara, she was another wet dream. She kissed me and my mouth filled with the taste of my favorite wine. She was pulling out all the stops and I was more than ready. We stumbled to the bedroom and when she didn’t insist on the restraints at first I thought that maybe she would…but no. Still, she was worth it.
When she untied one of the restraints after we had finished, I was so shocked I didn’t move at first. It was like dealing with an injured animal. I didn’t want to move too fast and scare her, but I wanted to hold her so bad. I loved this woman with a fury that she didn’t know. I hadn’t even told her I loved her. I couldn’t just yet, it would scare her. I held her close against my chest and as she snuggled closer my heart opened to her just a little bit more. She was always there for me and I found myself telling her about the case. I trusted her. She was such a good listener I poured out the details of the case and what I was thinking and what I was working on. She stayed quiet and listened. I think she was actually bored by it all, but she let me talk it all out anyway. I was pissed when she left me there tied to the fucking bed, and I really thought we could shower together, but she wouldn’t let me touch her naked. It was going to be hard going for both of us at times, but maybe eventually I could convince her into therapy.
I was disappointed but not altogether surprised when she told me about the mission trip. She has such a big heart. She was right, it was a great opportunity and would really help her when she was looking for a nursing job. Hopefully, by the time she came home, I would have this crazy killer locked up and I would have found her dad and brother, but I couldn’t tell her about that part. I wasn’t sure how that would go. She didn’t seem to have any bad feelings towards her dad. She didn’t talk about him much and she had never mentioned a brother, but it kinda made sense that she might have suppressed all those memories. But there I went again over-analyzing someone else’s life.
I supported her in the decision to go to Haiti. She was going to work in an orphanage clinic that was hit hard by the earthquake a few years back. First, she had to study hard for the NCLEX. If she passed, she would leave the next week and be gone for a month.
I was feeling good about the NCLEX. The cool thing is you find out right then if you passed and can get a printout showing you passed that you can then use to start the job search, or in my case, pretend to apply for the mission. The day of the big test I did everything right. I got a good night’s sleep, took an early morning run, had a good breakfast and then headed to the test center. I had taken a drive to the trailer just a few days before and the GBH arrived. Of course, it wasn’t called that, the pharmacy name was Xyrem. It wasn’t easy to get, but this dark web stuff was great, you could buy just about anything. Sometimes you needed a prescription and while most doctors at the hospital might miss an entire prescription pad, most wouldn’t miss just one page. Everything was ready and I was excited. I went into the test confident and walked out with a certificate that told the world I was now a Florida State certified registered nurse!
I called Jesus and he wanted to take me to dinner, somewhere fancy. I told him I wanted Olive Garden. I know he wasn’t a fan but I loved their bread rolls and salad. At dinner, he teared up when he told me how proud he was of me. He pulled a gift box from his jacket and slid it across the table as I was finishing up the ice cream and brownie desert. It was a beautiful silver necklace. He had remembered that I didn’t like gold. It was delicate and hanging from the chain was a little firefly. It had a section that absorbed the daylight and would glow in the dark. It was so pretty, the details were astounding. I was speechless.
“I remember you told me about your mom calling you a hummingbird and you calling yourself a firefly,” he explained.
I laughed. “I told her I was smaller and not as pretty.” I smiled at the memory.
“Oh, but fireflies are beautiful. I had it custom made for you.” He explained the glow in the dark section to me.
“I love it,” I told him. “Thank you so much, I will cherish it forever.”
“I thought maybe you could wear both the firefly and the hummingbird on the same chain. Kris I am so proud of you. You are so strong, so determined and so resilient.” He had big old tears in his eyes now. “And I think you already know I love you,” he added. I knew it was coming, I knew he was going to say that someday and it thrilled me and terrified me all at the same time. This man would do anything for me. I could ask anything of him.
I had accomplished what I set out to do. I had my insider, I had the very man who was investigating the deaths in my hand. He told me all the information I needed to stay safe. Yet there was a part of me that didn’t feel right. I cared for him, of course I did, but did I love him? I didn’t know. The only man I loved other than Daddy was Darren and look how that turned out.
The silence lasted a moment too long.
“Look, it’s okay, I don’t expect you to say anything. I just wanted to say it out loud,” he blurted across the table.
I reached over and took his hand. “I care for you Jesus, you know that. I just have a hard time with committing to that word. I have only ever said that once. To Tricia when she was dying. I don’t say it lightly and I won’t say it unless I really mean it. It sounds like a commitment to me and I’m not sure I can do that yet.”
As I said this I realized I really did mean it. That was the truth. I didn’t want to misuse the word “love.” I don’t know if that even made sense to him. I saw the hurt in his eyes, but he quickly tried to cover it. I didn’t want to hurt him, so maybe that meant I did love him.
“Let’s just enjoy the next week, Jesus. I don’t have school, just a couple of paramedic shifts. No more studying. Let’s just go to the movies, hang out. Go to the beach. Enjoy each other.” I smiled at him. “I think this time in Haiti will help me settle some things. Without the pressure of work and school, I know I will miss you. Maybe without the distractions I can clarify just how I feel.”
He relaxed a little.
“I understand.” He smiled. “Just promise me you’ll call me or text me every day so I know you’re safe. Take all the time you need Kris. I’m not going anywhere.”
I was counting on those text messages to keep me informed while I worked with my lab rat. I wasn’t as excited about my new experiments and tests I had planned, but I had gone to all this trouble I might as well see it through. This would be the last time. Maybe afterward I could settle down with Jesus. A girl could do much worse.
I had my fake acceptance letter to the mission that I had mailed to myself. I was hanging out with Jesus almost every night, I would go to his apartment instead of having him to the house. This way I could leave and go home if I got a panic attack hearing him breathing in the night. It always took me a few minutes to remember where I was. He slept like the dead and even if he woke up, he was groggy and wouldn’t notice my hands shaking or that I had changed my shirt. I was trying to get used to it. No-one knew how hard that was for me. I was trying really hard to spend the night with someone. Someone who could potentially hurt me. I knew Jesus would never hurt me, he loved me. Yet in my sleep, I could still smell stale sweat and beer. I could hear the clicking of country boots on the floor.
We had a really good week. We went to Deerfield Beach a lot. The ocean was such a reprieve for me from the noise of everyday life. I told Jesus about Tricia taking me to the beach that summer when I was a kid and first learned to swim. He told me he had some great memories of the beach in Miami with his sister and sometimes his cousins as a kid. I was horrified when he told me they used to bury each other in sand.
We snorkeled, rented paddleboards, ate at Flannigans or sometimes just walked the boardwalk. One evening, as it was getting dark, we were walking back to the parking garage. We we
re laughing and holding hands when we bumped into some of the firefighters I worked with. There were four of them out for a few drinks at Bru’s Room. The sports bar had a huge outdoor patio and as we walked by they yelled out to Jesus, not realizing it was me who was with him. I hated that they knew anything about me. The whole department would know within the hour. I tried to let go of his hand and walk on but Jesus wasn’t going to allow that. As soon as I could, I excused myself to go to the restroom. They didn’t like me, didn’t trust me. They didn’t understand me. They couldn’t wrap their tiny little brains around the fact that I didn’t want to share my private life with them. I was expecting them to be rude and dismissive, but they weren’t. Rodriguez was there and said something under his breath that I couldn’t quite hear. Loren gave him this look, just really stern.
Loren was one of the biggest guys and usually one of the most macho but that night he shut them down and wouldn’t allow them to mess with me. Not to say they didn’t tease me for wearing a dress, but again Loren jumped in.
“It’s not your color Mike, it would clash with your unicorn tattoo. Looks damn good on you though Kris. Not a lot who can rock bunker gear and then switch it up with a nice dress.” He raised his beer towards me. “Mike here’s just jealous his legs are too scrawny for a dress and he can’t walk in heels. I’ve seen the video.”
Everyone laughed, including Mike. With a nod in my direction, he said, “Kris there is no denying you are killing it in that dress. Jesus is slobbering just a little bit” Jesus seemed to be enjoying their banter and I admit that this time I didn’t feel so much of a target for them. The comments were light-hearted and fun, not mean. I was sure it was because Jesus was there. “And the tattoo is a stallion, not a unicorn!” Mike was half laughing as he said it.
“It’s a fucking unicorn. The only thing missing is the fucking rainbow it’s jumping over.” It was Dave who started in on Mike this time. We made our excuses and left them, giving Mike a hard time about his tattoo.
We stopped at Kilwins just a few blocks further and shared a cup of ice-cream. I was a little confused about our encounter with the guys. “They can be bullies at the station, they were just nice because you were there,” I told Jesus.
“Maybe. But Kris, sometimes I think you take things a little too personally when it comes to the guys at the station. Maybe you need to cut them a little break so that they can see who you are. Then they’ll cut you a break. Do you know what I mean?”
“They think I’m a lesbian. They call me a bitch when they think I can’t hear them,” I countered.
“You’re right. That’s wrong and mean. But you are so strong, so private and you kick their ass in training. No man likes to get their ass kicked, but if you showed them a little bit of your personality they would learn to love you. I think they might go easier on you.” He smiled. “You’ve changed a lot in the last year. I think that’s what they reacted to tonight. I don’t think it was anything to do with me.”
“Really? Okay, I hear what you’re saying,” I was still pondering. “I have changed a lot, haven’t I. Okay, maybe I can try and lighten up a little more with them. I’ll try.”
“That’s all I can ask of you, Babe.” He smiled and draped his arm around my shoulder as we walked back to the car. As I thought about it, I had changed a lot. I was having fewer panic attacks, I felt more in control of my life, I had gone back to school and was now a registered nurse and I had a long term relationship. Two guys were dead, but that wasn’t my fault. Darren was a terrible accident and Meat would have ruined someone’s life someday. Lab rat would be another country boy the world could do without. I was still a hero.
The week flew by and before we knew it Kris was leaving for Haiti. She didn’t want me to drive her to the airport but I insisted. We had such a great week. I was going to miss her so much, but I was so proud of her for doing this.
We had been together now for almost a year and she still couldn’t fully trust that I loved her and would never hurt her. I had been patient, I had gone slow. She still hadn’t met my family but that was going to change soon. There were times that you had to force her into situations she’d never do on her own. Once she got there, she would discover that it wasn’t so bad after all. Like the night we met the firefighters at Bru’s Room. She tried to pull away from me, but I was going to say hi and she was coming with me. I was thinking when she got back from Haiti I would try to get her into counseling. That would mean I would have to tell her that I knew about her past. I wasn’t sure how I could do that, but I couldn’t go on pretending I didn’t know.
A whole month without Kris would be hard, but she was determined to do this. So I drove her to the airport. She wouldn’t let me go in with her. I had to drop her at the departure gate. She said it would be too hard, and she was right; we didn’t need a cryfest at the airport. I lifted her bags out of the car and was surprised to see tears in her eyes. I held her close.
“Text me when you get there, okay?” It was crazy how emotional I was about this; it was only a month! She promised to text.
“Get in the car and drive away detective,” she whispered in my ear. She kissed me gently and pushed me towards the driver’s side door. Reluctantly I got in the car and drove away. I looked in the mirror to see her wave then pick up her bags and walk into the airport.
After Jesus drove off at the airport I went inside, just to be sure he didn’t come back or anything stupid. I found a coffee shop and got myself a decaf latte. I watched the news as I drank my coffee and then I pulled out my smart phone and ordered an Uber to take me to the trailer.
As soon as I pulled the door closed on the trailer and heard the old familiar noises of the fridge and the air conditioner, I relaxed. Home. Funny how this place was starting to feel like home to me. There were some things, like the thin walls and the hum of the A/C and the smell of mildew, that reminded me of my childhood and Daddy. I smiled as I threw my bag in the bedroom and headed out back to start the ambulance and let the engine run for a little while. It had been a few weeks since she had been run and I had a hard time getting her started. I was going to have to do a little work on her before I brought home my lab rat.
I spent the day happily cleaning up the trailer, washing the bed linens and getting the place looking good. The next night I was headed to Renegades Country bar in West Palm Beach. I chose it because it was close to home; the old ambulance wasn’t in great shape and I wasn’t sure how the GHB and alcohol was going to go. I needed to get him home and stabilized as quickly as possible.
My problem with the GHB was that buying anything on the dark web you never know the potency of it and if there were any fillers. People in the illegal drug trade were known to use all kinds of fillers to make the pills, using less of the actual drug. They could be laced with anything. Throw into the mix that we would be at a club and he would be drinking and he could be dead before I got him home. That would suck for me. I was playing the odds in my head and looking at maps. Now that I had Wi-Fi in the trailer I could use my laptop to do my research. It was a busy area, lots of traffic. I got a new wig, long straight black hair this time. I was ready.
When I arrived at the club at 11 p.m. it was jumping. So loud. They do line dancing lessons early in the night and you could tell the newbies from the veterans. I didn’t want someone who came here a lot and was known by the staff. I needed to find someone who was already a bit drunk and looked a little unsure. Not the coolest guy in the place, but someone on the fringe, hanging at the bar maybe, just watching and TRYING to look cool. There were plenty who fit the profile but I would know him when I saw him.
And then I did. He was at the bar with a couple of other guys. They were all trying too hard to look cool but this one, in particular, looked like a real loser He had dark hair, a little long in the back. It was curly at the ends and kind of curled around his ears and flipped out in the back at his neck. He was tall and thin. I moved in closer to
the bar. I was practically rubbing my ass against his arm as I reached money towards the bartender and yelled my order of a Long Island iced tea.
“Sorry, it’s crazy in here tonight! I’ve only been once before and it wasn’t this packed.” I chatted away at the tall guy like some drunk little slut. Just what every redneck expects from a woman. I had my obligatory cowboy boots and daisy dukes on but this time I went all the way country with a red plaid short-sleeve shirt tied up showing my abs. My push up bra was barely containing my boobs. He was wearing jeans and sneakers, a white t shirt under an untucked blue plaid shirt. He hadn’t made much of an effort and yet still was expecting to get laid. These guys were a dime a dozen back home in Georgia. So overconfident! If he had that southern drawl going on I swear I would puke on him.
“My buddies managed to drag me out. I’m definitely not the dancing kind but it’s fun to watch. Pull up a pew and you can help me critique their technique.” He looked at his two friends who had big old grins on their faces as they moved away, leaving a seat at the bar beside him. The bartender brought me my drink and my change.
