“What did she say?”
Shawn went on to explain the difficult life Lorraina had after being a sixteen-year-old mother without her child. She had bouts of drug use, difficult relationships, and had struggled to remain employed. Sometimes Dot—who was more like a mother to Lorraina since their own had died when they were young—went years without knowing where Lorraina was. Each time Lorraina resurfaced though, Dot would help her. She believed Lorraina battled both depression and issues left over from a difficult childhood.
“But finally, about five years ago, Lorraina realized that she was making every wrong decision if what she wanted was to be happy. She went back to Tennessee and worked toward her recovery from the alcohol and drugs. And she started talking about finding me.”
“So she did want to find you,” Sadie said. She had mixed feelings about that and felt horrible that she was unable to be fully happy for Shawn.
“She did, but Dot said she was so afraid of rejection that she didn’t dare risk it...until she got sick.”
Sadie’s heart dropped. Her illness was the motivation, then? “Because of the transplant?”
“I think that’s part of it,” Shawn said. “But Dot said it was also because Lorraina knew she might have limited time. In fact, it wasn’t until February, when she took a bad turn, that she talked to Dot about being tested. Dot’s the one who organized the testing for everyone else—except me. Lorraina told Dot that she didn’t want to talk to me about it because she was worried I’d think that’s why she found me.”
“Oh,” Sadie said, feeling her guilt rising. Had she really wanted to believe the worst about this woman?
“She got really sick, spent a weekend in the hospital, and was taken off her antidepressants because her liver could no longer handle them. Dot said after that, Lorraina started pulling away, becoming secretive—like she had before. Dot worried she was drinking again, but if that were the case, Lorraina would have been really sick. Meanwhile, none of Lorraina’s other relatives who were tested were a match.”
“When did all this happen?”
“Late March,” Shawn said. “Before Lorraina found Maggie.”
Sadie pondered that for a moment. “Lorraina didn’t think helping her would be enough motivation for you, did she?”
“And she was right,” Shawn said softly.
“No, it wasn’t until after Maggie showed up so conveniently that you really began to question Lorraina.”
“But she was still right,” Shawn said.
“She also tricked Maggie into thinking she was her birth mother,” Sadie reminded him. “I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this, Shawn. She obviously wasn’t well, mentally or physically.”
“I know that,” Shawn said. “But at the root of all of this is the fact that Lorraina didn’t find me originally because the potential rejection was more than she could take. I don’t agree with the way she went about several things, but I think the fear of finding me and losing me again kind of took over, especially once she was off her meds.”
“But that isn’t your fault,” Sadie said again.
“I know, Mom,” Shawn said, sounding frustrated. They both paused and he took a breath. “I’m not blaming myself, okay? I’m just processing it. There’s a lot to work through.”
“Yes, there is.” Sadie had to bite her tongue to keep from telling him how wonderful and nearly perfect he was, that everything would be okay, and that he’d done everything exactly right. Breanna’s words from the other day came back to her: You are in charge of yourself. Shawn had made choices he was now responsible for. Sadie couldn’t change any of that, and she wouldn’t know how to change it even if she could.
“They ran those compatibility tests they drew blood for yesterday, and for the round of testing they did, I’m a match.”
“For Lorraina’s transplant?” Sadie slumped back in the chair. They were going to cut her baby open?
“I’d have to go to Anchorage for further testing, and they can’t do anything unless she improves a little more, but the doctors want to know if I’m willing to do the further testing. They want to know—if everything lines up—if I’ll donate.”
Sadie was quiet as she absorbed that information.
“What should I do, Mom?” Shawn asked. “Talking to Dot answered a lot of questions and helped me not to see Lorraina in such a bad light, but...”
Sadie’s throat thickened, and she blinked back tears. Shawn was asking her opinion—he was asking her as his mother. He trusted the advice she would give him, which meant she had to dig deep for the wisdom he deserved. “You go to Anchorage,” she said softly, hoping her voice wouldn’t catch. “You do whatever you can to do the right thing. And if it ends up that you can donate, and that she’s well enough . . .”
Shawn was quiet so long that she wondered if her answer had surprised him. “You really think so?”
“You could save her life, and she gave you yours. But I suspect you already knew all of this. You don’t need my permission to do the right thing.”
Shawn let out a heavy breath. “Yeah, I guess I wasn’t asking for your permission, Mom, but I wanted your support.”
“And you have it. Fully.”
They were both quiet again until Shawn spoke. “Well, Bre has some news for you, too, and I guess I need to make a phone call. Love you, Mom. Thanks.”
“Love you, too, and you’re welcome.”
Breanna got on the line a few seconds later. “Crazy, huh?” she said.
Sadie tried to chuckle at the understatement but the sound came out as more of a grunt. “Completely crazy, but good. Shawn’s handling it okay?”
“I’m actually really impressed with how he’s dealt with all of this. You told him to go to Anchorage, right? I wasn’t listening in.”
“Of course.”
“I knew you would, but I could also see that he couldn’t make the decision until he talked to you. It’s a good thing you’re so awesome.”
“Oh, well, thanks for that,” Sadie said, a little flushed at the compliment she wasn’t sure she deserved. “How’s Maggie doing with all of this?”
“Ironically, now that they know they aren’t related, Shawn’s been a lot nicer to her. After talking to Dot, Maggie kind of lost it again—this has been so hard for her—but Shawn helped her pull herself back together. They went for a long walk last night and talked about who knows what, but when they came back, Maggie gave me a big hug and assured me she was going to be okay—that she could see God in this and she’d be stronger for it.”
“I’m so glad,” Sadie said. “And she’s coming to Ketchikan with you guys, right?”
“She wasn’t sure if she wanted to, but I talked her into it. Even though we aren’t family, I think we’re good for her right now. She seems most nervous about seeing you again, though. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“Kind of,” Sadie said, feeling sorry again for what she’d said yesterday. “But I’m glad she’s coming to Ketchikan. It will give me a chance to make things right.”
“Good,” Bre said. “I’ll tell her you said that.”
“I’d appreciate that. And you can remind her about how awesome I am in the process—that might help my efforts.”
Breanna laughed.
“How are things with the wedding?” Sadie asked. It had been more than ten minutes, but Officer Jareg hadn’t come back, and she wasn’t going to hang up a second before she had to. With how much the cruise charged for Internet, she felt sure they could afford this phone call.
Breanna was quiet for a minute. “I gave in.”
Sadie straightened. “What?”
“We had the conference call last night—well, it was morning for them—and Liam did a great job of standing up for what we wanted. He even threatened the whole elope-to-Monaco scenario.”
“But you gave in?”
“Remember how you told me to figure out her motivation? Well, I asked her about that and she talked about when she mar
ried Liam’s dad. There were a lot of ugly feelings because she was an American and the earl’s family was so traditional back then. She’s always hated that her wedding was treated as an almost underground event—against family, against everyone’s wishes. When they remarried, the earl was still really sick and, again, it was a small, quiet event. She was really sincere in explaining that she wanted something different for us, and as I listened to her, I realized that even if everything was exactly the way I wanted it to be, it wouldn’t mean as much to me as the production of it would mean to her.”
Sadie was stunned but didn’t want to waste any of her precious satellite minutes with surprised silences. “You’re really okay with that?”
“I am,” Breanna said. “Liam’s worried that I was just worn down by everything, but I assured him I wasn’t. I should have talked to her in the beginning; that’s a lesson I definitely learned through all of this.”
Breanna did sound like she was at peace, but Sadie worried that she was being a martyr. “It’s still your wedding, Breanna. And it’s not a bad thing to want it your way. I don’t want you to regret this.”
“I want Liam,” Breanna said simply. “And he wants me, and that’s all that matters to us. Really, Mom, it’s okay—you don’t need to worry about me. Liam’s mom agreed to let me wear the dress I picked out, and I made her promise to let you help with the rest of the plans.”
Sadie made a face. Trying to help a woman with obviously strong opinions and an unlimited budget sounded miserable. Sadie’s homemade coffee-filter garlands would look a bit out of place in a Church of England cathedral. But it was Breanna’s wedding, which meant Sadie would do everything she could to be a part of it.
“I’m glad,” Sadie said just as Officer Jareg came back into the room. “It looks like I’m out of time, but I’m so glad I got to talk to you both. And I’ll see all three of you tomorrow, okay?”
“Yep. Don’t enjoy having Pete to yourself too much.”
“Oh, stop it,” Sadie said, blushing slightly. “Love you guys.”
“Love you, too.”
She hung up the phone and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She couldn’t wait to have her family back around her where they belonged.
“I have just one more question for you,” Officer Jareg said after moving the phone out of the way.
“Okay,” Sadie said.
“I read through your notes. This woman, Mary Anne—she is the one who told you that Mr. Jefferies died at the buffet?”
“I assume Mr. Jefferies is Ben?”
Officer Jareg nodded.
“Yes, Mary Anne said she and her husband were at the buffet when Ben collapsed, but she’s not the one who told me his name—that was Jen. I don’t know her last name.”
“Which one said that he died?”
Sadie thought back over the conversations she’d had with both women. “Um, I’m not sure, really. I think they both said that he’d died. No, wait—Mary Anne said he’d died; Jen hadn’t known for sure.”
“Of a heart attack? How did either of them know that?”
“I don’t know, but that is what happened, right?”
“Yes,” Officer Jareg said. “But Mr. Jefferies didn’t pass away in the buffet. He was taken to the infirmary and treated. He died several minutes after that. The passengers were told nothing about his condition, and in order to preserve the sensitivity of the situation, we have answered questions only with the fact that he got off the ship in Skagway. I am concerned that passengers are learning of this death. That will be a very difficult thing for everyone, you understand.”
“I haven’t told anyone,” Sadie said, thinking back to the nondisclosure form. Should she have read it more closely? Was she being backed into some kind of corner?
“No, no, I am not worried about that. You and your party have been very discreet. I am concerned, however, that these women have been telling people this. I would like to talk with them. Do you know their cabin numbers?”
“Jen is in room 991,” Sadie said. “I know Mary Anne’s husband spends a lot of time in the casino and was going to be a part of the blackjack tournament. His name is Glen.”
“Very good,” Officer Jareg said as he wrote some notes. “I will see if I can find them.”
“If I see either of them, I’ll tell them to contact you.”
“That would be helpful. Thank you.”
“Of course,” Sadie said as she stood. They shook hands across the desk, and she left the security office feeling as though the air was clearer and the sun was brighter, even though the cloud cover made it impossible to see the sun. She barely missed a step when she came around the corner and saw the door to Tanice’s room, but reassured herself with the knowledge that she may never need to see that door again.
With a little luck, she was done with the security department on this ship.
Chapter 37
Sadie felt the need to take a little time to meditate on all that had happened, and since Pete was probably still in the casino, she made her way through all the levels until she found an area off deck five that was empty. She hurried back inside long enough to call Pete’s room and leave him a message about what had happened and where he could find her if she didn’t answer her cabin phone, then she returned to her little corner and let the beauty of the shoreline wash over her.
It was colder here in the bay than it had been anywhere else, but she had her new pink “Alaska” jacket on and gloves for her hands. Knowing that her kids were okay and would rejoin her in the morning gave her an entirely new outlook and made the chill of the air less noticeable.
During the therapy sessions she’d taken after her emotional breakdown last year, Sadie had learned a powerful imagery exercise that she found helpful in letting go of things. With the mountains around her and the worst of this trip behind her, she was in a perfect position to purge the yucky things from her mind and rediscover a foundation of peace.
She began by spending a few minutes thinking about Shawn and all the hard things associated with him this week: knowing he had a secret, feeling hurt by his distance, and learning about Lorraina and the fact that he’d told Sadie nothing about the journey he’d taken to find her, let alone that he’d shared Christmas with her. He’d told Breanna. He had planned to tell her the truth on this trip, and when he did, the surprise had nearly ruined everything. He hadn’t been very nice to Maggie. She listed everything she could think of that she’d been unhappy about—he was eating too much at the buffet; she really didn’t like the Afro look and wished he’d grow out of it—every little thing.
When she’d thought through everything, she imagined all those thoughts being surrounded in a huge bubble. The bubble trapped all the negative energy she’d put into those thoughts, containing it. She closed her eyes and pictured the bubble floating in the air just in front of her. Then she took a deep breath and blew the bubble away. She took another breath and blew it even farther from her. She imagined the bubble getting farther and farther away with each breath from her lungs. Eventually she could imagine having blown it out of sight, up into the atmosphere, through the ozone, and into space where it kept going and going until it became a star somewhere within that sea of stars she could only see at night. She could never know which star were those thoughts.
As silly as the practice seemed when she’d first learned it, she’d found it to be very helpful since then. All those negative things with Shawn were beyond fixing, and holding onto them would just weigh her down.
When she finished the negative bubble, she thought of all the wonderful things about Shawn: he was loving, he was compassionate, he was two classes away from finishing his degree. He worked hard, he gave the best hugs, he and Breanna were good friends, he respected Pete, he appreciated truth. He was attractive and strong. He was ambitious and kind. He had an entrancing smile. That list went on and on and on until she felt on the verge of tears at how wonderful her son was.
She closed her eyes and surrounded all
those things with a bubble—a pink bubble because for her pink had always been a happy color. She pictured this bubble hovering over her head where it popped, raining down all that wonderful goodness about her son where it was absorbed into her skin and hair and heart.
She wiped at her eyes as the feelings overcame her. Shawn was her son and had been since the day she brought him home, and perhaps even before that if one believed in a world before this one where families were formed in advance. Shawn loved her and, even through this hard experience, their relationship was okay. That was impressive.
She went through the bubble exercise with Breanna, who hadn’t been as connected to Sadie in recent years. Sadie processed all the hard feelings left over from the separation. She let go of her fears for Breanna’s future, and her dual disappointment that Breanna would likely live the rest of her life on another continent and that she wouldn’t have a wedding that would show Sadie’s stamp of “Mother of the Bride.”
Sadie sent that bubble way up into the stratosphere, then worked through all the wonderful things about Breanna and let those seep within herself. There were bubbles for Pete and Maggie too, leaving Sadie grateful for them both and determined to make things better with Maggie as soon as she had the chance. Then Sadie had to process through the last pair of bubbles—Lorraina.
“She is Shawn’s birth mother,” she said out loud. “She is Shawn’s birth mother. She is Shawn’s birth mother.”
No one doubted that anymore. Lorraina shared something with Shawn that Sadie did not and never would. Sadie hated that. But it was the truth. And if not for Lorraina, Shawn would never be here. Lorraina could have terminated her pregnancy, or she could have kept him, or she could have even waited a few extra days to put him up for adoption, which may not have sent him to Neil and Sadie’s home.
But Lorraina gave Sadie a son, and regardless of the difficulties her reconnecting with Shawn had created, she was the same then-anonymous woman Sadie had thanked God for in her prayers for years. All those years, she’d been praying for Lorraina. Did she want to take those prayers back? Was the impact Lorraina had made on Sadie’s life up until these last few days diminished by what Sadie had learned since then? That was an easy question to answer.
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