“Cass, shut up,” Zach said with a smile. He abruptly stopped by a bench and sat down.
Annoyed with his brusqueness, Cassie sat down in silence. She opened her candy, and offered some to him, but he shook his head. They sat there for a while, Zach staring down at his hands or the pavement, and Cassie staring at Zach. Finally, she gave in.
“Zach, seriously, what is wrong?” No answer. “This is new. You don’t usually hold back with me.” She heard a soft chuckle from him, but it didn’t sound amused so much as bleak.
“You really believe that, don’t you?” He asked mysteriously.
“Yes?” She said hesitantly.
“I haven’t been honest with you since the day we met,” he said, still looking at his hands.
“What do you mean?” She asked. He finally looked up and met her eyes. He took a deep breath.
“Cassie, I’ve liked you since day one. And I loved you not long after that.” He kept looking at her, reading her face for a moment, whatever he saw there did not encourage him because he looked down again and went bright red.
“What?” She didn’t bother to hide her astonishment. “Is this a joke?” She turned around wildly, looking for someone hiding in the bushes filming her reaction. That seemed more probable than that Zach was being serious right now. It was the misery in his face that convinced her of his sincerity.
“But Zach, we’ve been friends for three years. Three years! And you’ve never said anything! You’ve never made a move on me, for a while I was afraid you would, but you never did and eventually I decided you just wanted to be friends!” She paused. He’d flinched when she used the word “afraid.” She wanted to make him feel better, but certainly not in the way he wanted. “And we’ve been great friends. I’ve never had a better friend. But... I wish you’d said something sooner. I’m just not...“ She couldn’t think what to say.
“Just not interested?” He sighed. “I’ve heard you say those words about a hundred different guys. And I didn’t want to hear them. I’ve known you weren’t, really. But I figured that if I didn’t say anything then the option would always be there.”
“I’m so sorry, Zach.”
“Nah. I’ve been stupid and a coward. Do me a favor and completely forget this conversation. I don’t want you to feel like we can’t be friends because of this.”
“Is that the best plan?” She asked, concerned for him.
“I think so. I’d decided that I was going to tell you a couple of weeks ago, but you went off the grid. I’d hoped things would be different, but either way, I had to tell you. I needed to know for sure. Seriously, forget all about it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Cassie, please,” he begged, “I don’t want anything to change. You’re my best friend, too. And it’s past time to move on.”
She smiled softly, “Alright, completely forgotten.” After a moment or two of silence, she asked, “Want to go get ice cream? I’m buying.”
His grin was only slightly strained, “Sure.”
Chapter 5: An Outing
Cassie flopped onto her bed that night and let out a long sigh. Boys always caused more trouble than they were worth. She lay there for a while trying to pinpoint her feelings for Kyler. She didn’t want to cause any more problems. If she didn’t like a boy, she would just not go on a date. She wondered if she should cancel her date with Kyler for the next day. Immediately she shunned the idea.
“It’d be rude,” she mumbled to herself. She lay on her bed thinking about their date and how comfortable she was with his hands on hers. She knew she should start doing her homework, but she didn’t. She couldn’t wait for the next day, realizing that all she wanted to do was see him again. She had never been as excited to see anyone again as she was now. She didn’t want to stop seeing him, which was a foreign feeling, but comfortable somehow.
“Knock, knock!” Jenna stood in her doorway.
“Hey, Jenna,” Cassie said, remembering her conversation with Zach from the appearance of her other best friend.
“What’s wrong? Didn’t it go well?” Jenna asked, concerned by her tone.
“Oh the date?” she brightened, “No, the date was great!”
Jenna walked in and leaned against her bed. “So, what’s wrong?”
Cass flipped over onto her stomach to look at the floor. Jenna wouldn’t believe this.
“I just found out that Zach likes me,” she said quietly.
“Oh.”
Cassie looked up. “Oh? That’s all? Wait a second, did you know?”
“Of course I knew. Everyone knows,” Jenna said, rolling her eyes.
“What do you mean, everyone?” Cass asked, disbelieving.
“Oh, I don’t know. Your mom, all of our friends. Just everyone,” Jenna said nonchalantly.
“Wonderful,” Cassie said sarcastically.
“Seriously though, Cass. Tell me something? Why don’t you like Zach?” Jenna asked suddenly.
“Because…” Cassie was startled and she stopped, trying to think. “Because we’re just friends. Because I’m not attracted to him. And most recently, because I think I like Kyler.” Cassie was surprised that she said it. She hadn’t even been thinking it.
“What! Since when?” Jenna asked. This was unusual. Cassie rarely, if ever, liked her dates, she just tolerated them.
“I think since we first met. I can’t describe it. It feels like I could never like anyone but him. Sort of like I’ve been waiting for him.” Cassie blushed. She wasn’t used to revealing this sort of thing, possibly because she didn’t typically have any feelings to reveal.
“But you don’t even know him. You’ve only met twice now!” Jenna didn’t personally have any problem with Cassie liking Kyler, she just enjoyed throwing Cassie’s words back at her. Cassie always said that you can’t really know if you like someone until you’ve known them for a while.
“I know. But I feel like I’ve known him all my life. Everything about him is just so familiar. It’s like, I know I’ve never seen him laugh before. But when he does, I feel like I’ve missed his laugh. It’s… strange.”
“Not to downplay the importance of this, I mean, you actually like one of the many boys after you! But if you don’t like Zach, would you tell him?”
“Why?” Cassie asked, surprised.
“Well, because it’s not fair to him. He shouldn’t be chasing after you,” Jenna asked, going red. She looked away, but too late. Cassie understood.
“Jenna. Is there something I should know?” Cassie asked.
“No,” She said briskly, turning to face the window.
“How long have you liked him?” Cassie asked, incredulous.
“A couple of years,” she answered quietly.
“What! Seriously? Why haven’t you told me? Or him?” Cassie couldn’t believe this. What were her friends doing? Why on earth wouldn’t they just come out and say it what they felt, and move on from there?
“Oh come on, Cass! Of course I can’t tell him. I’ve tried to get his attention, but he never even notices any other girls,” Jenna said, frustrated. She had tried to attract Zach’s notice for years. The most she’d been able to accomplish was a good friendship. It didn’t help having Cassie around.
“Yes he does. Zach asks girls out all the time. And if you’d told me, I could have set something up!”
“He only asks other girls out to double with you. That didn’t seem to be the best environment to try to win him over,” Jenna said, feeling terrible.
If Zach hadn’t admitted that he liked her this evening, Cassie would never have believed Jenna. But as she thought over the past three years, it seemed so obvious. He never did go on dates unless Cassie was there. They always went on friend dates together, just the two of them.
“Oh Jenn.” She sighed. “I wish you’d told me sooner.”
“I might have, but I was afraid you did like him. That you just didn’t realize it. Think about it, Cass. You have never been on more than 5 dates with a
guy. And you and Zach have been friends for 3 years. Close friends. Are you sure that you don’t like him?”
“No, I don’t like him. I love him. You and he are my best friends. But that’s all. I love him like I love you. And it would be fantastic if you two hooked up.”
“I think so, too.” Jenna smiled for the first time. “So, do you think you could tell him?”
“I’ll tell him right away that he needs to ask you out!” Grinning, Cassie dodged the pillow Jenna threw at her. “Just kidding. Seriously though, I already told him that he and I will only ever just be friends.”
“Oh no. Is he okay?”
“I don’t know, Jenn. I feel terrible, but I just didn’t see it! I didn’t understand. I thought we were just great friends. I hope that we still can be.”
“What do you think I should do?” Jenna asked.
“Well, I’d give him two days. Then I’d call him. Ask him to go out somewhere. Try to hang out with him over a couple of weeks, and then I’d tell him.” Jenna blanched, so Cassie defended herself, “Seriously Jenn. He needs to think of you like that. He’s been preoccupied, and he needs to know that you’re available.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jenna said. She just couldn’t picture it. She was too shy. The only time she was outgoing was around Cassie. Cass just made it so easy to be herself and to have fun. “Okay. Now back to you and Kyler! You like him? As in, you want to be with him. And you actually want to kiss him?”
“I think I do. I’m not entirely sure.” Her lack of experience with feelings left her confused.
“So it’s different than from Nick?” Jenna referred to the only boy that Cassie had a real relationship with. But even he had only lasted a month.
“I’m not entirely sure yet. Like you said, we just met. But…” she stopped.
“But what?” Jenna asked impatiently.
“Well, it’s just so strange. It’s like I told you, I feel like I missed his laugh, or his smile when I see it.”
“What’d you guys do?”
“Oh, nothing much. Ate dinner. Played foosball.” She grinned, “I won.”
“I’m still curious about whether he was the guy in the car,” Jenna said.
“Well I’m afraid you’re going to just have to keep wondering. Cause I’m not asking. If I bring that up, then I might end up spilling the whole story. And quite frankly, I don’t want to.” Cassie shuddered, imagining that conversation.
“Alright, alright. What’s he like?”
“He’s fun. And you saw him, so you know how attractive he is.” Cassie smiled, and then frowned. “But he seems preoccupied with something. Like he’s worried about something serious. And I feel like I need to be careful when I talk to him. He analyzes everything I say. Like he’s looking for double meanings. It’s disconcerting.”
“But you do like him?” Jenna asked, still surprised.
“Yes. He’s interesting. And he’s fun. But more than that, I just like him.” Cass couldn’t really define it.
“Well this is new. Would you kiss him?”
Blushing, Cassie admitted, “Yes.”
“I’m not going to have to endure another dreadful story of some guy kissing you that you thought you maybe liked, and now you can’t stand?”
Cassie laughed, “I’m sorry to be so troublesome. But this is completely different.”
“Wow! After only two dates. He should be proud of himself!” Jenna exclaimed. She was curious to talk to this guy. See what was different about him. “Oh, speaking of the date rape night, have you seen Craig yet?”
Cassie glared at her for her terminology, but answered. “Nope. And when the teacher passed around the role last week, his name was still on it. I wonder what happened.” She was very curious about it. He didn’t seem the type to miss class.
“Huh, weird. When are you going to see Kyler again?”
“Tomorrow afternoon.”
“Well I hope things go well,” Jenna said. She just hoped Cassie wouldn’t sink back into depression and forget about Kyler.
Three weeks later, Jenna stood in Cassie’s doorway. “You coming to girls’ night tonight, Cass?” Jenna asked, knowing the answer.
“Sorry, I can’t! Kyler has a surprise for me tonight. We’re going somewhere special.” Cassie couldn’t quite frown, she was just so happy. It had been three weeks since their first date, and she’d been out with him several times since.
“You’ve been... different lately,” Jenna observed. “I can guess why.”
Cassie smiled happily. It was true. She hadn’t been depressed or lonely ever since her first date with Kyler, and they’d been seeing each other almost daily since then. “Well, I gotta go, Jenn. Have a good night without me!”
“I’ve never done this before,” Cassie said apprehensively as she stared up at the towering wall before her. Sticking out at every angle were brightly colored rocks in varying sizes all the way up to the top of the wall where, fifty feet up, there was a goal: a bell. “You know, I’ve heard bells ring before. I don’t feel the need to ring that one.”
“Oh come on! You’re not afraid of heights now, are you?” Kyler asked in disbelief. Then he bit his tongue.
“A lot of people are afraid of heights,” Cassie informed him.
“Yes, but not you, Cassie!” He exclaimed.
Wanting very much to disagree with him, but also not to disappoint him, she forced out, “I guess I’ll try.” She stared up at the height and felt her heart race.
“Great! Since when have you been afraid of heights?” He asked.
“Since a rollercoaster broke down during my senior trip to Six Flags, okay? It was horrible!”
“Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you,” he said below her.
He sounded like he believed it, but, “You gonna catch me if I fall from up there?” She asked sassily.
He smiled to himself, as though he were enjoying a private joke and said, “Of course.” She looked at him, he was pretty strong, but she doubted that anyone could catch someone falling several stories. “But you won’t have to depend on my catching abilities. The rope will hold you. And those guys,” he pointed to some muscular men in the corner, “are holding the ropes. One of them is your belayer.”
“Oh.” She brightened a little. “Okay. So how do I get in this thing?” She asked, brandishing a mass of straps. As he helped her into her harness she became even more nervous, but this had nothing to do with rock climbing.
“This is easy climbing. It’s called top-rope climbing. The belayer won’t help you; he’ll just catch you and stop you from falling. When you’re done, let him know and he’ll slowly let you down,” Kyler informed her.
Cassie, strapped in and attached to a rope, traced the rope’s path with her eyes. It went all the way to the top of the wall and came back down into the hands of a competent-looking employee. Six feet away, Kyler was in the same circumstances. Objectively, Cassie could see how this would be fun. If leaving the ground didn’t terrify her, she’d probably love it.
“Ready?” Kyler asked excitedly.
“Not at all.” Cassie took a deep breath. “Here we go,” she said to both Kyler and her belayer. They both smiled encouragingly, though the employee looked significantly more bored.
Even as she grasped a couple of firm rocks she was trying to come up with an excuse to just watch. She’d been afraid of heights for years now, and her parents certainly hadn’t tried to cure her of it. She was fearless with most things and this one fear was relieving to them. But now she tried to focus on not looking cowardly or inept.
She started climbing, going quickly at first and trying to forget what she was doing. Her face pointed toward the ceiling, she was constantly looking for a new rock to grab. She was halfway up the wall now.
“Wow! You’re doing great!” Kyler said from somewhere below her. She ignored him and just kept climbing.
Somewhere near the top, two things happened. First, she couldn’t find any rocks shaped properly to gra
sp, and almost simultaneously, the strength in her arms was exhausted. She froze, trying very hard not to think about where she was. Her arms seized. She couldn’t move them if she wanted to. She was vaguely aware of someone talking below her and she tried to focus on that.
“Cassie?” Kyler was saying in an encouraging voice. She automatically looked down at him. He was on the wall, about ten feet behind her. “Are you okay?”
She gasped. The ground, Kyler, everything below her was spinning. Panicking, gasping for air, she couldn’t concentrate. She could feel her fingers slipping, but didn’t have enough control to grip tighter.
“Cassie! Hang on!” Kyler shouted. A distant, logical part of her brain felt she should relax. That was what the rope was for, right?
But as her fingers released the rocks she immediately began plummeting to the ground. Her belayer wasn’t paying attention and the rope had slipped through his fingers. She was amazed by her clarity through her terror as the ground flew up to meet her. She tried to brace herself, when five feet from the ground she froze in midair. Impossibly, the rope kept falling. Then, only a moment later the rope went taut and it was holding her. As she dangled by it she had a few more moments of clarity. She saw, to her surprise, that the muscled employee still did not have her rope. And that Kyler was already on the ground.
Cassie blinked in shock, staring at the rope she was clinging to. She tried to clear her head of the terror, to concentrate. The rope was holding her all on its own. And more than that, her eyes had told her that she was floating in midair all on her own in the instant before the rope stopped her.
“Cass! Are you alright?” Kyler asked her. He came to stand just below her, looking intently up into her face.
“I’m fine,” she said slowly, trying to be sure it was true. Her shaking knees knocked against his shoulder. “Just a little—” She fumbled for words. “It doesn’t make any sense,” she mumbled unintelligibly.
Still watching her face, he gently put his arm under her dangling legs, and the other behind her back and pulled her to him. The rope loosened as he carefully plucked her out of the air. Cassie vaguely noticed that, since the rope had caught her plunging weight, he shouldn’t have been able to pull her away from it. By now the employee had realized his error and looked panicked. Once she was in Kyler’s arms, Muscles quickly came to detach her from the rope.
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