Toni’s eyes find mine again and, this time, she waits for my answer. Looking into her eyes, I say, “I guess you could say that.”
She is the reason why I started drinking and going out partying all the time. She’s the whole reason why I can’t commit to relationships or get close to anyone. What happened between us is something I’ve never been able to get over. I never wanted her to have that abortion, but I couldn’t make her see things any other way, so I did what any good man would do. I supported her decision because I thought it was better than forcing her into doing something she didn’t want to do and ruining our relationship forever, but things didn’t work out anyway.
“What brought you here?” he asks me. I look around and see that everyone’s staring at me. I feel like I’m on trial or something. Drawing in a deep breath, I exhale slowly as I think about why I’m here.
“I had a few too many DUI’s and, as a result, I lost my license. My construction business is in jeopardy because of it, and I just want to get things back on the right track.”
I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit this but know that she’s sitting in the same room listening makes it ten times worse. I feel like a loser and I never want her to think of me that way.
Mark nods, “You’ve certainly come to the right place. We’ve all been where you are. I assume this is your first AA meeting?”
“Yeah,” I shake my head. “Something like that.”
I’ve looked into counseling and AA meetings before, but I was too embarrassed to reach out for help. The judge made that decision for me, though.
“How long have you had a drinking problem?”
I look at Toni, who has gone back to staring at her shoes. She won’t even look at me as I continue to talk, and it feels like a knife is twisting deep inside my gut. “About six years, I’d say.”
That gets her attention and her head shoots straight up as she looks right at me. There’s a look of recognition in her eyes; maybe that’s when her problems started too—right after we split up.
It’s hard to say what would’ve happened between us, but I would’ve married that girl if we could’ve worked through our problems. I loved her more than the air that I breathed and if given the choice between loving her or breathing, I would’ve used my last breath to tell her how much I loved her.
“Thank you, Lucas,” he says, motioning for me to take my seat. “Who’s left?”
As I sit back down in my chair, Alicia grabs hold of my arm and squeezes it. “You did great,” she whispers.
I know she means well, but her words don’t offer me much comfort. I’m ready to get out of here and go have a drink but knowing her, she’s not going to let me out of her sight.
Everyone looks at each other as we wait to see who’s turn it is to talk next before Mark says, “Toni? How about you? You haven’t gone yet.”
Pushing her chair back, she stands and smoothes her hair back as a weak smile spreads across her face. My mind races, wondering what she’ll say. Will her story match mine? Or will it be something completely different? Sitting in my chair, I hold my breath until she begins talking, unable to move a muscle.
4
Toni
Hearing Lucas’s story shocked the hell out of me. I had no idea that he’d taken the same path as me once we called it quits. Obviously, everything went downhill for him at the same time it did for me; he said six years ago and looked straight at me. It hurt so bad to hear him say that.
Everything is my fault. I fucked it all up—for both of us. He must think I’m the worst person in the world after everything we went through.
I know this sounds terrible, but part of me felt a little better knowing that he couldn’t easily get over me and that we both went through the same struggles because I know I’m not alone. I felt so selfish for the longest time, but knowing that it hurt him as much as it hurt me brings me some sort of relief that it wasn’t all in my head. We had a really good thing, and there were so many times that I wondered how he was.
I can’t count the days when I wondered what he was doing or where he was at, or if he was thinking of me.
But the other part of me is sad that he dealt with things alone. It’s never easy to hear that someone you once loved and cared about went down such a dark path.
The fact that he’s barely holding on to his dad’s construction business tells me a lot. When we were together, he still worked for his dad, but I guess his dad handed it down to him. That business meant everything to him and his dad, and the fact that he’s let things get this far out of hand shows me that maybe our relationship affected him more than I could’ve imagined.
I’m assuming the woman who’s with him is only here for moral support since she didn’t speak or introduce herself. She must care for him a lot because nobody comes to these things voluntarily, at least not at first. I find myself wondering how long the two of them have been together and whether she’s an enabler or not. I guess it’s really none of my business.
“I’m Toni,” I say, quickly introducing myself. “I’ve been attending these meetings for the past four years and Mon,” I glance down at her, “has been my sponsor most of that time.”
She smiles up at me and nods, “Sure have, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
“My last week has been hectic,” I admit. “And I wanted to take a load off, but I didn’t. I stayed clean. Every time I thought about stopping off for a drink on my way home, I called Mon and talked to her until I was in for the night.”
“What happened last week, Toni? How’s your laundromat business going?” Mark asks.
A short laugh escapes my throat. “Not good. I just got all of the inspections finished and found out that the bank loan will barely cover any of the repairs that I need to make in order to get the building up to code. It’s going to cost a fortune.”
“Are there any grants that you could take advantage of? A lot of times the government will give small business owner grants to help get things up and running.”
Shifting my weight onto my other foot, I sweep my hair away from my face. “I tried, but I don’t qualify for most of them. I seriously wonder if anyone actually qualifies for those things.”
“So what’s your plan?” Mark asks.
According to him, we must always have a plan; a safety net to fall back on.
“I don’t really have one at the moment,” I bite my lip. “But I’m working on it. I have an appointment with the bank manager on Friday to see if I can get a small loan. According to the inspection reports, it shouldn’t cost me more than ten grand to fix the plumbing and the gas leak that’s inside the building. If I would’ve known the building had so many issues, I would’ve never bought it.”
“Do you think you’ll get the loan?” he asks.
I shrug, “Your guess is as good as mine. I barely got the business loan to buy the laundromat, but I’m hoping they’ll say yes. I just got my credit cards paid off last month, so I’m hoping that’ll shoot up my credit score.”
“Well, it sounds like you have a plan,” Mark says. “You’ve come a long way, but it sounds like you’re moving in the right direction.”
Before the meeting is over, Mark talks about working the twelve steps and how much of an impact they can make if you stay the course. His voice drowns out to nothing but background noise as I study Lucas and his girlfriend. She seems more tentative to what’s going on in the meeting than he does, by far.
After hearing his story and watching him, I can see that he’s only here because he has to be, and not because he wants to be. If he’s serious about changing his life or keeping his business, it’s vital that he works the twelve steps regardless what the judge has ordered or he’ll be right back in the same boat.
I realize that the meeting is over when everyone stands up, and quickly scramble to my feet to join them. As soon as we say our goodbyes, I snatch my purse from the floor and leave as quickly as possible. The last thing I want is to look like I’m lingering or wait
ing around for him.
In the parking lot, I hear Mon calling my name.
“Toni!” she yells. “Wait up!” Running toward my car, she bends over, catching her breath as she rests her hands on her knees. “How come you took off like that?”
Glancing at the door, I make sure Lucas and his girlfriend are nowhere around. “You know the new guy that was in the meeting?” She nods, still out of breath. “That’s him.”
“Him? Him, who?”
“The guy that I told you about.” Her face twists in confusion. “The one who I had the abortion with and everything crumbled after that?” I jog her memory.
“Oh! Oh, shit!” she says. “Are you going to talk to him? Or do you not want to talk to him?”
“I can’t talk to him,” I say. “Besides, he’s clearly moved on and has a girlfriend and everything.”
“Remember step eight?” she says, in a low, sweet voice. “You need to make amends. You two went through a lot together, and it seems like you’re both hurting.”
“Remember step nine?” I counter. “You only make amends if it won’t harm the other person. I think talking to him would do more harm than good. Like I said, it seems like he has support. I don’t want to ruin anything. I remember being here even though I didn’t want to, and if he were here to confront me at my first meeting, I don’t think I would’ve come back. It’s better if I just leave things be and let him work on his recovery at his own will.”
“Do whatever your heart tells you to do,” she takes my hand in hers. “You’re a good person, Toni, and I know you’ll do the right thing.”
“Thanks, Mon. I better get going. I’ll see you around.”
She wraps her arms around me, giving me a firm hug. “Call if you need anything. Not only have I been your sponsor for the last few years, but I’m also your best friend.”
“I know,” I open my car door. “I’m going to get out of here before they come out. We’ll talk later.”
I fire up my engine and begin to back out of the parking space just as Lucas and his girlfriend walk out of the building. Whew, I think to myself, bullet dodged, but I doubt he even saw me, even though I couldn’t stop staring at him.
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Twisted Steel Sample
A Sinners Syndicate MC Novel
Blurb
Some things are beautifully twisted.
I never wanted commitment.
I was perfectly content being part of the Sinner’s Syndicate.
The nights were crazy.
The girls were wild.
There were no expectations.
No strings attached.
But then I met Sara.
She is a beautiful, broken mess who’s getting herself into a whole lot of trouble running with a man like me. I’ll show her what happens to good girls who do bad things and when I’m done, she’ll never want to return to Suburbia again.
The thing is, I’ll never let her go back to living the civilian life. She’s my twisted angel— body and soul.
1
I knew before I pulled off the highway that something felt different. Not necessarily wrong, but more like out of place. For some reason, I’d been getting these feelings a lot and no matter what I did, I could never quite shake them.
Every time I got one of these feelings, I told myself that it was nothing. I reasoned that I was just being paranoid and to not let things bother me. Besides, it’s not like I could pinpoint why things felt the way they did.
Normally, I would have been at work at that time of day. Unfortunately, my morning appointment called to cancel at the last moment. I was annoyed because it was happening more and more often lately. A lot of it had to do with the housing market.
People would see a house with one of my for sale signs in front of it and decide right then and there that they just had to see it. They’d call the number on the sign immediately and I’d set up a showing for them. After that, they’d have time to think about it. Maybe they’d look the house up online and the inside wasn’t what they expected or perhaps they realized that the house was out of their budget and there was no way they could afford it. Regardless of the reason, I’d be sitting at the property waiting to show it and the potential buyer wouldn’t show. It wouldn’t be until I called them that I found out they weren’t going to make the showing. They’d apologize profusely, but it was still a waste of time.
I could have easily gone back to my office to field phone calls from potential buyers that weren’t calling in off a sign. We had a central phone number from advertisements and each agent in the office would take turns answering the phone each time it rang. We never knew if it would be a potential sale, so luck of the draw was the best way to do it.
The only thing that kept me away from the office was the fact that Stephanie was going to be spending the day there as well. Don’t get me wrong, I like Stephanie a lot, but she was eight-months-pregnant and was driving everyone insane.
I wasn’t going to be able to spend an entire day in closed quarters with her talking about the reviews of all the latest cribs and the pros and cons of breastfeeding her new baby. She would literally talk to whoever would listen, but the problem was that I just didn’t care.
When it comes to babies, I don’t dislike them at all. I’ve been known to pinch a chubby cheek whenever I’m around an infant. The problem was that I’m just not the maternal type and could never see myself being a mother, no matter how much she tried to convince me that it would come naturally once I became pregnant.
Instead, I was going to spend the day at home, following up with potential leads and getting in contact with sellers who had put their homes up for sale without an agent. As I got closer to my little piece of suburbia, the feeling that something was off continued to grow. When I pulled into my subdivision and turned onto my street, it became clear what was different. Steve’s car was in the driveway.
I wondered what in the hell he was doing home at that time of day. We’d talked about what his plans were he told me that he had meetings all day in the city. Maybe his meetings got cancelled as well. That would be nice.
A warm flush started to pass through my body as the thought of him being home excited me. If we both had an unexpected day off, an afternoon full of sex and cuddling could be in the cards. It had actually been a while since the two of us had been intimate. He’d been working a lot and was coming home and going right to sleep most nights.
Maybe he would be just as happy to see me. Perhaps he would grab me, throw me down onto the bed, and take me like I dream about on a nightly basis. That was exactly what I needed.
It’s true that our sex life hadn’t been the greatest. It had certainly been a while since I’d been completely happy with it, but there was more to life than just sex. I loved Steve. He was my soulmate and I was happy that we had started a life together. In less than a year, we’d be married.
I pulled in and parked my SUV next to Steve’s BMW. It was his baby, the car that he dreamed about owning since he was a little boy. I used to think it was cute when he’d tell someone about it, but the story got old quickly. I gave my makeup a quick check in the mirror before getting out and making my way to the front door.
As soon as I stepped out of my vehicle, I could hear the sound of bass pumping. It was so loud that I could feel it in my chest. As I got closer to the door, I realized that it wasn’t one of the neighbors playing their music way too loud. The sound was coming from inside my house.
There was hip hop music blaring from my living room. Steve and I can’t fucking stand hip hop music. We’ve always been the hard rock type who would break out the air guitars when our favorite songs would come on. Maybe he was a closet hip hop fan and only played the music when I wasn’t around.
The front door wasn’t locked like it normally was so I opened it up and walked right in.
“Steve!” I y
elled out of habit.
He’s always doing something in some random part of the house so I always yell his name instead of going room to room looking for him. Of course, there was no way he could have heard me. Not over the loud noises that some people call music blasting in the living room.
Determined to save my ears from the awful sounds, I set off the find the source. I grabbed the iPod that was connected to the stereo, expecting to see that it belonged to Steve. I was already planning to look through it and tease him about his hidden music. Instead, I got a surprise. The iPod that was being played belonged to me.
Oh hell no! I knew for a fact that I’d never download any hip hop, rap, country, or anything that wasn’t rock onto my iPod. Maybe he did it as a joke. Maybe his was dead and he really wanted to listen to whatever ear shattering music was playing. That was something I’d be able to figure out later.
Looking around the living room, I froze in place with my mouth hanging wide open. Steve’s clothes were thrown all over the floor, which wasn’t like him at all. He was always very neat and clean. He always took off his clothes at the hamper before getting in the shower. But there I was, staring at the suit jacket he was always so careful to hang up snd wondering what the hell he could have been thinking.
I started to pick up his clothes and that’s when I saw them. On a neat little pile on the sofa, there was a small purple dress and a skimpy matching bra and panties set. They definitely weren’t mine as I’d never be able to squeeze my boobs into such a small bra.
My mouth hung open as the realization of what was happening was beginning to wash over me. As much as I wanted there to be an innocent explanation, I knew better.
Please God, no! Do not let them be in my fucking bed!
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