I sigh, not understanding any of this. “I’ve been watching them,” I admit.
“Who? Christopher and Maddie?”
“Yeah,” I look at River again and then my eyes drop to her mouth. “I’ve been watching them kiss. They make it look like it’s a nice thing to do.”
River stands up quickly and she shoves her hands in her pockets. “I suppose it could be a nice thing for two people to share if they like each other.”
“You haven’t kissed someone?” I get up, too, walking closer to her.
“No … I mean … yes.” She takes a deep breath, her eyes looking everywhere but at me. “I kissed that stable boy once. I didn’t like it and you know the rest.”
I take another step closer to her and I like that she has to look up at me. It makes me feel strong.
“I haven’t kissed someone,” I whisper. I wonder if River will let me kiss her. “Will you kiss me, River?”
“Me?” she sputters and takes a step back. “You don’t want to kiss me, Jack. Wait until you meet a girl who makes your heart beat faster and gives you butterflies. Let your first kiss be special. When you find that girl it will so be worth the wait.”
I feel a sliver of disappointment crawl into my heart but I understand what River is saying. We walk back to the house and after I’ve eaten we spend some time working on my writing. I can make all the letters from A to G. River says she’s proud of my progress and it makes me feel warm inside that I’ve done something to please her.
~*~
Chapter Fourteen
River~
I’m glad Jack didn’t turn back into himself after the episode with Beverly. I could have killed that woman when I heard what she did! I had Kyle blindfold her and take her a few towns over before he made sure she got on the bus. Most of the slaves are blindfolded or out cold when they come here, so that no one can find us if they choose to leave.
It’s a few nights later that Jack asks, “Can I ask you something?”
I snuggle into his chest. It’s become my favorite place to be. “Sure,” I answer sleepily.
“After the party you told me that you like to watch, that it turns you on, was that the truth?”
I look up at him. “Why do you ask?” It’s been weeks, almost two months since Jack came here. I’m surprised that he even remembers what I said that night.
“I was just wondering.”
I love when Jack talks to me. I don’t want him to ever stop. I answer his question hoping it will keep him talking. “I don’t like to watch, Jack. It’s just a cover I use for the parties so I can get in. They think I have a collection of slaves that I play with, like someone might play with a doll. It’s the only thing I could think of so it wouldn’t be expected of me to have sex with slaves.”
His hand comes up and he takes a few strands of my hair between his fingers, just playing with it.
I can feel how tense he is so I try to encourage him. “Talk to me, Jack.”
“It’s just,” he twirls the strands around his finger and then lets it go, “The other day when I saw Christopher and Maddie kissing, I felt something. I can’t put it in words, but I thought maybe I was like you. I thought I could get turned on if I watched.”
“Is it just with Christopher and Maddie, or do you think it would work if you watched porn?”
He shakes his head adamantly. “Not porn, that would be the same as watching a slave being fucked.” His harsh words make me cringe a little. It’s seldom Jack talks like that and I don’t like it. It’s bitter and hateful and I don’t want him to feel those feelings. “Christopher and Maddie have something and it shows when they’re together,” he murmurs.
“They love each other, Jack. That’s the difference,” I finally get what he’s trying to figure out. Jack has never seen love! My heart reaches out to this beautiful man who has suffered so much.
His eyes meet mine and I can see the look of wonder blossoming on his face. “Love,” he whispers, “so that’s what it looks like?”
I smile and nod. “Yeah, Jack. But there are all kinds of love. Christopher and Maddie love each other the way a couple would. Miss Ella loves us all as if we were her children. I love Adam, because he’s my best friend.”
“Do you love me?” His question is so innocent that it tugs at my heartstrings.
“Yes, Jack. I love you.”
“Like you love Adam?”
Jack is the most inquisitive person ever! Heat creeps up my neck as I whisper, “No, not like I love Adam. I love every person in my life differently. I love our nights together and the time we spend on lessons. I love watching you work and seeing you find yourself. I just love you, Jack. There’s no category for you because you’re special to me.”
His hand comes to my cheek and he gently brushes the tips of his fingers down to the line of my jaw.
Tiny tingles jump from his fingers to my skin, making me highly aware of his body.
Jack leans into me and then his lips are on mine. At first I’m too shocked to stop him. Then the kiss grows more intense. He must have learned a lot from watching Christopher and Maddie, because he’s not kissing like it’s his first time.
Jack covers me with his body and I feel him grow hard against my thigh. I quickly yank away and then scramble out from under him. I fall off the bed, but quickly get up. My hands flutter everywhere, straightening my clothes.
Jack sits on the bed looking confused. Well, that makes two of us. I touch my fingertips to my lips, still stunned by what just happened.
Jack looks down at his tented boxers and his confusion quickly turns to wonder.
“That can never happen again!” I walk to the door but before I leave I whisper, “I think it’s better if you sleep in your own bed from now on.”
Jack is still too raw to know any better. I should have seen it coming! I’m such a fool.
I walk out onto the patio and lean against the wooden railing. I stare blankly into the night trying to gather my confused thoughts.
“What’s nipping at your heals?” Adam suddenly says from the dark corner.
I go to where he is and sit down. “Jack kissed me.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Yes, it’s bad! He’s still healing. I don’t want to take advantage of him.”
“How are you taking advantage of him if he kissed you?”
“He doesn’t know any better and I do.”
“So if I were to kiss Sophia that would be wrong?”
I glance at him, worried where he’s going with this conversation. “Are you telling me or asking me, Adam.”
He sighs heavily and then says, “I suppose I’m asking you.”
“I don’t know.” My whole body slumps back against the chair. “Honestly, I don’t know. You and Sophia are a different story. Sophia is different from Jack. I’m different from you.”
“That’s not an answer, River!”
“Because, there is no right answer!” I jump up again, feeling antsy.
“There is always an answer, it just might not be what you want to hear,” Adams says in a low tone that makes his voice rumble. When he uses that tone on me I know he’s about to get serious.
I turn back to Adam. “Then tell me the answer!”
He gets up and comes to stand in front of me. “It’s not wrong for two people to enjoy each other if they both want to. I think you want Jack to kiss you, but you’re scared.”
Anger bubbles up inside of me, hot and fast. “I’m not scared of Jack! He will never hurt me.”
“I didn’t say you were scared of Jack. You’re scared of what he means to you.”
I frown, not following Adam at all.
He shoves a hand through his hair and then his grey eyes pin mine. “You want to kiss him. You want to be with him, but then you’ll have to admit that your whole life has been a lie. You say you hate sex and I understand where you’re coming from with that, but I think you’re hiding behind your past and refusing sex because you’re scared you’l
l turn out to be just like your father.”
I only realize I’ve slapped Adam when his head turns to the side and the sharp sound penetrates the rage in me.
His face is carved of stone when his eyes meet mine. “Don’t ever hit me again.” He walks away leaving me with my fast growing guilt.
How can things go wrong so fast?
I flee down to the river, needing the calm of nature around me. Is Adam right? Am I scared that I’ll turn out like my father?
~*~
I spend the morning with the girls, picking fruit. I tell myself it’s to make sure they’re all okay after Beverly’s sudden departure.
Okay, fine! So I’m hiding. So I’m a coward.
“River, those aren’t ripe yet,” Jamie says, and she takes the rock hard pear from me. “Are you worried about what happened yesterday?”
She looks really concerned so I force a smile to my face. “No, Lovely. I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep well.”
“Go back to the house.” She gives me a quick hug. “We’ll be okay without Beverly, it’s not like she actually worked.”
“Why didn’t you tell me she wasn’t working?” Have I been so caught up in Jack that I’ve failed to see what was happening under my own nose?
“She wasn’t hurting anyone by not working. I love it here, River. I didn’t want to upset anyone, so I let it go. But, yesterday … she shouldn’t have done that.”
“You were right to tell me. I want everyone to feel safe here.”
I give Jamie another hug and then walk in the direction of the house. I’ll go see what Miss Ella is cooking. Maybe I can help her and Sophia.
When I walk into the kitchen I find Miss Ella, Sophia and Jack sitting at the table and eating pie.
They don’t see me and I take the opportunity to look at Jack. His scars have healed nicely. The remaining ones only make him look rugged and handsome.
“Miss Ella,” Jack says with that innocent tone which means he’s about to ask a big question. “What is love?”
I place my hand over my aching heart. He’s so confused and I only made it worse.
“Son,” Miss Ella pats her mouth with a napkin and then looks him square in the eye. “Love is like a car accident.” I pull a face. That’s not what I’d compare it to. I listen as she continues to share her wisdom. “It hits you hard and out of the blue. By the time you realize that you’re in love it’s too late to run for the hills. When it’s done with your poor heart; you’re either in a world of pain, or you’re one of the lucky ones who has a great story to tell. Love will either break you or make you.”
Jack stares at her with wide eyes. I think she’s just managed to kill the idea of love for him.
I walk closer and take a seat with them. “What Miss Ella is trying to say is that love can hurt if it’s not returned by the other person, and love can be a beautiful thing if both parties feel the same way.”
Jack’s eyes are filled with accusations as he says, “You said you love me.”
I can feel Miss Ella and Sophia’s eyes swing from me to Jack, as if they’re watching a tennis match.
“I do love you, Jack. I -”
Jack stands up and resting his hands on the table, he towers over us all. “Then it should be a beautiful thing! You just said so yourself!” He stalks to the backdoor and then without looking back he says, “You made me feel humiliated last night. You said I should kiss the girl who gives me butterflies and makes my heart beat faster. You said it would be special then, but you lied.”
I cover my mouth as Jack walks away. What have I done?
~*~
I can feel Miss Ella staring at me. Sophia went after Jack because I am too much of a coward.
“The boy loves you,” Miss Ella says in her take-no-nonsense way.
“He doesn’t know what love is!” I get up and start to pace the floor.
“That boy knows more about love than you do!” She gets up to stir whatever she has cooking and then angrily wipes her hands on the apron she’s always wearing. “I’ve been down to the chapel. I’ve seen how pretty he’s made it.” She throws her arms wide, her cheeks flushing with anger. “Look at all the beauty he creates! Only a man who knows about love can do all of that.”
She walks over to me and lays a soft hand on my cheek. “Child, a one sided love is a destructive thing. It breeds anger and jealousy. You love the boy and he loves you. Let the past be the past and go to that boy before it’s too late.”
Miss Ella is right. She’s always right.
Am I using my past as an excuse to hide behind, just like Adam said?
I don’t have the guts to face Jack yet, so I go hide in the office pretending to do books the whole day long.
I’m like an ostrich, thinking if I can stick my head in the sand all the problems will go away.
Yeah, right.
~*~
I know I’ll find Adam at his place after dinner. I knock softly and wait for him to answer the door.
Instead Sophia opens the door. For a minute I can only stare, before I finally ask, “Is Adam here?”
“Yes, he’s just taking a shower. Come in,” she says all friendly and happy.
I follow her to the kitchen and watch as she’s finishing up two cups of coffee. “Would you like some?” she asks politely.
I take a hard look at her. She’s changed a lot over the past month. She’s become more human and less robotic. She’s alive and not just existing.
“No, thank you,” I say with a smile. “You look good, Sophia.”
She blushes and looks in the direction of the closed bedroom door. “Adam is good to me. He’s teaching me what’s right and what’s wrong.”
“I’m so happy for you.”
The bedroom door opens and Adam comes out, dressed in only a pair of sweats. His eyes jump from me to Sophia, and then he asks, “Is there something you needed?”
I shake my head and quickly apologize, “I’m sorry for slapping you the other night. You were right and I just didn’t want to hear it. I’m so very sorry, Adam.”
His face softens and he walks over to me. He hugs me hard and I sink into him, so happy that he’s forgiving me. That’s one thing about Adam, he doesn’t cling to his anger.
He pulls back and cups my cheek. “You deserve to be happy, and so does Jack.”
I kiss his cheek, knowing that he’s once again right. “Thank you for always being there to point me in the right direction.”
“Always, that’s what friends are for.”
I leave them so they can have their coffee. Tomorrow I’ll talk with Jack and hopefully we’ll be able to put this all behind us.
~*~
Chapter Fifteen
Jack~
I was shocked when I got hard the other night. It felt foreign, but also good. River felt so soft beneath me, not hard and demanding like the women and men who have used me over the years.
Even though I’m angry with her, I can’t stop thinking about her.
For the past two nights I’ve woken up rock hard. Last night I tried to make myself come, but I just couldn’t reach climax. I’m so frustrated with myself! The one time I do want to come I can’t!
I throw the wire and wire cutter to the side. I stare at the tiny branch that I’ve just hurt by wiring it too tightly. It’s going to leave a scar!
I sit back, flat on my ass and then gently take the wire off the branch. I place the baby bonsai on my lap and my heart feels heavy as I stare at the wounded branch. It didn’t deserve to be hurt like that! I’ll leave it to heal before I wire it again.
I hear gravel crunching behind me and look over my shoulder. I’m surprised to see River walking towards me. I haven’t seen her in days, not even for my lessons or dinner. Miss Ella took over teaching me words. Last night she taught me how to spell my name and last name. She also showed me how to write a two and a seven, because that’s how old I am. She says everybody should be able to write their name and age.
“Hey, Jack, w
hat are you busy with?” I can hear the false cheerfulness in her voice.
“Why do you care?” I snap. She hurt me. She was the one person I opened up to and she threw it back in my face.
In some ways it hurt more than what David did to me. I failed David by not fighting harder for him, for letting Cameron get his hooks into him. But, River told me that she would keep me safe. Everything she’s ever said to me has been contradicted by her actions.
She kneels down next to me and looks at the bonsai on my lap. “I do care,” she whispers. “What I did to you was wrong, but it’s because I was scared.”
I glance at her. “You’re scared of me?”
She shakes her head and picks up the piece of wire I just threw on the ground. She twirls it between her fingers and then whispers, “I’m scared that I’ll become my father. I’m scared I’ll lose myself, this person I’ve fought so hard to be and that I’ll hurt people the way he did.”
I put the bonsai tree in the shade and then take River’s hand. I take the wire from her fingers and throw it back on the ground. “Cameron was the only father I’ve ever known. I was nine when he placed me with the other slaves. I could easily have given in and let them break me, but I didn’t. I knew I was nothing like Cameron and the other slaves. I held onto the hope that I’d be free one day. Your father might be a monster but that’s not who you are. We have our own souls and we choose who we want to be.”
She looks at me with wide eyes, “Do you really believe that?”
I get up and then hold my hand out to her. She places her hand in mine and my fingers wrap around hers, and then I pull her up. “Yes, I do. We can’t let the past define us otherwise I’ll be nothing but a fuck and you’ll be nothing more than the daughter of a monster. We aren’t those things. I’m just a man who loves to see things grow and you’re just a woman who loves to help people.”
The corner of her mouth lifts in half a smile and she shoves her hands in the back pockets of her shorts.
I decide to say what’s been eating away at me and to just get it off my chest. “River, for some reason you think I’m a child, and I know this because you treat me like one. Just because I can’t write or read it doesn’t mean I’m stupid. Just because I like to keep to myself and don’t interact with the others, it doesn’t mean I’m damaged – and just because I’ve fallen in love with you, it doesn’t mean you can hurt me. If I’ve learned anything it’s that you don’t hurt those you love, so don’t tell me you love me and then turn around and hurt me. That’s wrong.”
Saved By Her Page 9
