by C. A. Harms
“I did this.” He pointed toward the funeral home. “It should have been me. It would have been had I not made him stop because I was a fucking pussy and needed a damn sweatshirt. I killed that little girl’s father.” His voice broke on the last part of his sentence and I bit my lower lip to contain the tremble.
I wanted to go to him, only I already knew it would do nothing to soothe him. The guy barely able to stand before me, before all of us, was so far gone I wasn’t sure anyone or anything would be able to reach him.
Chapter Twelve
Corbin
I was floating, or so it felt. My entire body felt weightless, my head clouded and free of all thoughts. I wanted it this way; it was the only thing that managed to dull the pain.
I had absolutely no idea what day it was, or whether it was even day or night. All I knew was that was how I wanted to spend every moment, completely oblivious to the outside world and the pain life had thrust upon me.
This was me, or at least it was the new me.
“Here, baby.” I heard the sweet whisper of someone I didn’t recognize just before a small item was pressed to my lips. “Swallow this,” she encouraged, “and let me do the rest.”
I did as she directed, understanding now that she was offering me another extended form of high. It was a sure way of wiping my mind clear from any lingering thoughts of the loss and guilt that haunted me.
“There you go.” My eyes begin to roll back just as her warm mouth slid over my cock. It was just one more escape. Alcohol, drugs, and sex, all means to forget.
The blackness engulfed me and though I wish I could say I remained conscious enough to enjoy the blowjob, I couldn’t do that.
***
I woke with a nauseating feeling in my stomach, a headache that almost felt like my head might explode, and my pants were around my ankles. Boxers were still in place and a girl I recognized was sleeping near my side.
Candy.
For a brief moment I lay there, letting my mind wander to places I knew wouldn’t be good. Places where grief managed to drown me each time.
“Who is he?”
I looked down toward the little girl with two single braids, one on each side of her head and smile. She was watching me with curiosity as she held onto Brent’s hand. She didn’t shy away like most kids would, but instead she kept her gaze locked with my own and her shoulders squared.
“This is Daddy’s friend, Corbin,” Brent answered as he crouched at her side. “We go to school together, and when I told him I was coming to see my little princess he looked so sad that I invited him along too.”
Leah, Brent’s daughter, arched her eyebrow in a “whatever” manner and at that very second, I could see the bad-ass in her. This little girl was gonna be strong; hell, she already was at such a very young age.
“So is he gonna pout about the movie and I’ll be forced to watch something else today?”
I didn’t allow Brent to reassure her. I chose that moment to make or break the connection I could have with Leah. “Actually, I’m looking forward to a Disney movie. I especially like The Princess and the Frog, but I’m good with whatever.”
“You like The Princess and the Frog?” Again, she did that skeptical arch with her brow.
“Yes.” I crossed my arms over my chest, and out of the corner of my eye I could see Brent just observing us with a smile. I knew he knew his daughter was challenging me, and in true Brent fashion, he sat back and enjoyed the show.
“Belle, she chases that frog around trying her hardest to kiss him and make him her prince.” Leah mimicked her dad’s movements as she crossed her arms over her chest. She was challenging me.
“Oh Leah, I think you’re confused.” Damn this little lady was a hard shell to crack, she still maintained her composure, I’m sure thinking I was full of it. “Tiana didn’t chase Prince Naveen, he was the one that sought her out to save him. Poor girl got turned into a frog too.”
I stared at Leah, she stared at me, and neither of us spoke.
“Did he pass the test, baby girl?”
“He’ll do.” She shrugged before turning around and hobbling toward the front entrance of the house. I hadn’t noticed until that moment that Brent’s parents were also standing there, observing the entire thing, matching smiles on their faces. It was amazing. She was the center of their universe, and I could see why.
I woke from the memory when I felt a cool hand glide along my stomach, just beneath the hem of my t-shirt. I blinked a few times and Candy came into focus just as she started to crawl over my body.
“Good morning,” she cooed, shifting against me. All she wore was a thin shirt and an even thinner pair of panties. “You feel asleep on me last night.” A pout covered her lips and she shifted once more, dragging it out a little longer this time.
I should have been turned on, I should have wanted to take what she was offering, but I couldn’t clear my thoughts. All I wanted was a way to erase the memory of my day with Brent and his family. The smiles and laughter were all haunting me, a nagging reminder of what would never take place again. A constant indication that their circle was no longer whole.
I began searching for my escape. A bottle or two, a bag with the magic pills that gave me the empty haze I craved. I needed to wipe my mind clean; I could already feel myself spiraling.
“Are you looking for these?”
My head swiveled back toward Candy and I saw a small bag dangling from her hand. For a split second the faces of all those I knew would be disappointed in me filled my head. My parents, Clay and Emelie, even Blake and Morgan and the guys. If they were here, if they only saw what I had become… I shook my head to clear their faces and reached out to snag the bag. I heard a small giggle from Candy just as I pulled out a pill and popped it in my mouth. Closing my eyes once more, I focused on the feeling that began to slowly take over, not the feel of her hands as they began to lower my boxers and sheath my cock with the familiar feeling of latex.
Chapter Thirteen
Palmer
“It’s been over a week.” I stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall as I listened to Clayton’s painful confession. It was just after seven am, and the sound of the door shutting had woken me from my sleep. He hadn’t been staying here much since the funeral; he’d been out looking for his brother every night and crashing at the fraternity.
“Has he gone back to Kentucky, maybe?” Emelie asked. “Or connected with an old friend, a girl maybe?”
At the mention of a girl my stomach did a crazy tense thing.
“No.” Clayton sounded so exhausted. “I’ve called everyone, and believe me, had he gone home my dad would have already knocked him back to the present. This isn’t like Corbin. It’s scaring me, Em. I don’t know what’s happening to my brother, but I can feel it. I just know he needs help, but I can’t reach him. I don’t know where to look.”
I stepped out of the darkness of the hallway and Emelie looked at me. As I rounded the end of the couch, Clay also noticed my presence.
“The day before the accident he was outside of a café with a girl.” I still remember the way she was pawing at him, and it reminded me of how badly I wanted to drag her off the curb by her hair. “She was familiar, but I don’t know her name. Blonde, short, cat-like eyes, long nails painted bright pink.”
“Wore a leather bracelet, thick brown, on her left wrist?” Clay asked, and I nodded. “Candy Lawrence.” I tried not to snarl at her name, but really? Candy? “The girl has had a thing for Corbin since our freshman year, but it’s never been more for him than a hook up. I hadn’t seen him with her since before our Kentucky trip.”
The way Clayton looked from me to Emelie, I felt a twinge of guilt. It was almost like they shared some hidden message between them.
“I just wish I knew what to do for him. He’s so lost and I’ve never seen my brother in this state. He’s no longer the same guy that everyone loves to be around. It’s almost like when Brent died, Corb did too, and that t
errifies me.”
When Clayton’s eyes grew glossy and he buried his face in his hands, I felt my chest tighten as I spoke. “We all just need to remind him of the guy he is.”
“How?” Clayton asked in a whispered, raspy tone. “Because I’m out of ideas, Palmer. I don’t know how to help him. Everything about this place, it all reminds him of what we’ve lost. Keeps his pain fresh, almost like he can’t see anything else but that day.”
We sat in silence, Emelie and I staring at each other over Clayton’s defeated form. She soothingly rubbed her hand up and down his back and I twisted my own nervously in my lap. I tried to think of what it would take to soothe me. What I would need if my world felt as though it had fallen apart. My friends, Emelie and Ethan for sure, and my family, my home.
I stood from the couch and began to walk down the hall toward my room. “Where are you going?” Em called out after me.
“I’m gonna take a quick shower, and then I’m gonna go out and search for Corbin.” At the mention of our troubled friend, Clayton sat up straighter. “I don’t care if he wants me to find him or not. And I sure as hell don’t care what his toy has to say about it. He needs someone to give him no other choice but to snap out of this haze he’s in, and I’m more than ready to be his wake-up call.”
As I continued I felt my nerves spike. I had absolutely no idea what to do. I didn’t know what I would say or how I planned to make him listen, I just knew I wasn’t willing to give up. Not until I saw his sweet smile again. All the times I had pushed him away and there I was, seeking him out.
***
Hours…that’s how long it took to find out where this Candy girl lived. It would seem she was quite popular with the guys on campus. Yeah, she was that girl, the one who used her body for attention and decided she’d play stupid instead of using her brains. She was valedictorian of her high school, she had a scholarship to the University of Florida, and she’d decided pretending to be a loose bimbo was easier than showing others she was actually smart.
I sat outside an apartment building, staring ahead at the door with a clearly marked C on it. She shared a place with two other girls and as of fifteen minutes ago, they both told me they hadn’t seen her in close to forty-eight hours. The saddest part about that was neither of them seemed worried. It was almost as if her not showing up for days was a common occurrence.
This was my great idea. I would show up at Candy’s place, find Corbin, drag him out—willingly or not, and force him to see the light, so to speak. Now as I sat here, staring ahead, I realized just how Clayton felt. Like the world was stacked against me.
My phone made a pinging noise and I was reluctant to look at it, knowing already it was most likely Emelie. She’d want an update since I left our place with confidence I had no right to feel.
Emelie: Corbin just showed up at the Fraternity. We are on our way there.
My heart felt as though it plummeted, hit the floorboard near my feet, and my stomach tensed. There was no longer the need to search for him. No longer the need to sit outside some girl’s apartment hoping he’d show. But there was only one problem—I couldn’t move.
What was I thinking? How was I going to reach him if his own brother couldn’t, or his parents? The people who loved him the most, those who knew him more than anyone else, the ones he turned to when things got rough…yet this time he ran from them.
Chapter Fourteen
Corbin
“Let me help you,” Xavier said, or I think it was him. I felt someone grab for my shoulder and instantly I jerked away, only making myself more unsteady. “Corb, come on, you’re gonna fall down the fucking steps.”
I laughed, imagining just that.
“He smells like a brewery,” a sweet voice, one I recognized, added, and I looked back over my shoulder to see Blake walking behind me. She held out her hands as if she’d actually be able to support my weight if I fell backwards.
“You better move, Tiny,” I quipped and tried my best to focus on her. At this point there were two of her, so I wasn’t sure which to choose. “If I fall, I’m gonna smash you. Then Eli will kick my ass.” Again, I laughed as if I was the funniest person on earth. “Though I really doubt I’ll feel much if he did.”
She pressed her hand in the center of my back and began guiding me up the stairs. Reaching my bedroom door, Eli unlocked it using his mass of keys and I stumbled in through the entryway. “You need to sleep off whatever it is you’re on.”
“On, off,” I mumbled reaching out to grip the edge of my dresser to steady my wobbling body. “On, off, on…” The room spun, and I closed my eyes tightly to fight off the nauseating feeling that started to hit me.
“Why are you doing this?” I forced my eyes open to find Morgan standing only a few feet before me. “Is this making it go away?”
“Makes it all go away.”
“No,” she corrected, and uncrossed her arms. “It’s only delaying the inevitable. You have to get past this, Corbin, and drinking yourself to death or getting high is not going to fix the ache inside you.”
I stared at her, and she held my gaze. Morgan was generally pretty quiet, but here she was in my face, laying it out. It pissed me off. I didn’t want people to fix me, I didn’t want to heal, because Brent would never be given that chance. So why the hell was it fair that I did?
“I know one sure way to make me feel better.” I wagged my brows, or I thought I did. In my current state there truly was no way for me to know for sure. “We could kick all these assholes out and you and I could have a little us time.”
“Drunk or not, asshole, you better rethink your next statement.” Xavier came into view and stood only a few feet back from his girl. “I’m only warning you once, Corbin.”
“Stop.” Morgan attempted to calm him and called me a dumbass, but I continued to taunt him.
“Yeah X, stop.” I waved my hand out before me. “Now go on and let me and Morgan work this out by ourselves. All we need is an hour.”
“You’re pathetic.” It wasn’t Xavier or Morgan who announced that. Though he was blurry, I could clearly make out my brother in my open doorway. “Drink yourself stupid, be a complete ass to all the people that love you, but in the fucking end he’s still gone. It doesn’t change anything.”
He took a step into my room and Morgan and X stepped aside, allowing him to get closer.
“He’s gone,” he repeated, and I could feel the anger inside me begin to resurface. “It’s not fair, it’s cruel really, but we have to face it. You have to face it. We all lost him.”
“Shut up.” I felt my hands begin to shake. “Shut the fuck up.” This time my words echoed off my bedroom walls.
I pushed past them all, stumbling down the hall toward the stairs. I manage to make it down all twelve, but I don’t know how. Using the wall along the way had to be the only reason and when I reached the foyer I beelined for the doorway. I just had to get out of here; coming back was a mistake.
Jerking open the front door, I came face to face with Palmer. Her eyes widened just a bit, I’m sure in surprise at my current state.
“Corbin…” She attempted to stop me, but I hurried past and almost collided with the railing that wrapped the porch.
“Stop fucking running.” My brother’s booming voice rose out of the house. Looking back over my shoulder, I saw him jogging after me, just before everyone else followed. “You’ll never outrun the hurt Corb, you need to face it.”
“Fuck you.” I whipped around, no longer trying to outrun them. “You have no idea.” I fisted my hands. “You don’t know the things I see every time I close my eyes. The dreams I have that play on repeat are haunting. I see his little girl, the way she loved him, the way she looked at Brent like he was the most glorious person. I watched them all together, his parents and his daughter, the love they all shared.” I could feel my emotions threatening to take over. They were dulling the high and making me face everything I had been trying so hard to outrun. “Then I see him, l
ying on the side of that road, battered and lifeless. I touched his chest, held my hand over his fucking heart and felt nothing. He wasn’t breathing, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do for him. I’ll never forget that, I’ll never get past that. Something like that, you just don’t heal from overnight. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to close my eyes and not see myself sitting on the side of that road, holding my friend’s body in my arms.”
A tear escaped and ran over my cheek, and I angrily wiped it away.
“Let us help you,” Clayton begged, and the part of me, that small sliver inside that still felt a connection to another person, flared. “I love you Corb, and losing you isn’t an option. I can’t lose you.”
I stared ahead at all the people I loved. All those I’ve called my family and the darkness inside once again took over.
“I’m already gone.”
Clayton hung his head and I started to turn away, only to have someone grab my hand. I didn’t look to my left, just attempted to tug away and the hand grasped my own tighter.
“Let go.” I took in a calming breath, feeling my body tremble. I had to get out of here.
“I can’t.” A soft whisper filled with desperation.
“You did before.” I finally look up and was met with Palmer’s tear-stained cheeks. “You shouldn’t find it difficult to do it again.”
“It was a mistake.”
I shake my head, chuckling. “Now that you want me to cave and give in to your demands, you decide your dismissal was a mistake.” I wanted to blow her off. I wanted to say something hurtful and mean, forcing Palmer to understand that her earlier choice to stay far away from me was the best choice she made. But I couldn’t, not with the hopeful way she was looking at me just then.
