by John Guare
CORRINNA: Mr. Shaughnessy?
ARTIE: Did I win something? Where’d I put those sweepstake tickets—I’ll get them—
CORRINNA: Oh oh oh ohhhhh—it’s just like Billy said. Oh God, it’s like walking into a photo album. Norman Rockwell. Grandma Moses. Let me look at you. Oh, I was afraid with the Pope, you’d be out, but it’s just like Billy said. You’re here!
ARTIE: Billy? We talked this morning …
CORRINNA: Billy called me just as I was checking out and told me to stop by on my way to the airport.
ARTIE: A friend of Billy’s and you stay in a hotel? Don’t you know any friend of Billy’s has a permanent address right here…. Don’t tell me …
CORRINNA: What?
ARTIE: I know your name.
CORRINNA, very pleased: Oh, how could you …
ARTIE: You’re Corrinna Stroller.
CORRINNA, modestly: Oh …
ARTIE: I knew it. I saw that one movie you made for Billy …
CORRINNA: That’s how we met.
ARTIE: And then you retired—
CORRINNA—a sore point: Well …
ARTIE: You were fantastic.
CORRINNA: Well …
ARTIE: Why did you quit?
CORRINNA: Well …
ARTIE: Will you sit down for a few minutes? Just let me get my girls. If you left without seeing them…. He comes down to us. You call Billy and he sends stars. Stars! To Corrinna: The icebox is yours. I’ll be right back. Corrinna Stroller! He exits.
CORRINNA is alone. There is a high, loud whine. Her hands go to her ears. The whine becomes very electronic. The sound is almost painful. She pulls a hearing aid from each ear. The sound suddenly stops. She reaches into her dress and removes a receiver that the aids are wired to.
She sits on the couch and replaces the dead transistors with fresh transistors. She looks up.
CORRINNA, to us: Don’t tell—please? I don’t want them to know I’m deaf. I don’t want them to think Billy’s going around with some deaf girl. There was an accident on a set—a set of Billy’s…. I can hear with my transistors. She shows us a vial containing new transistors. I want them to know me first. So please, don’t tell. Please.
BUNNY enters with Artie close behind.
BUNNY: Where is she? Where is she? Oh—Corrinna hastily puts her hearing aids away—Corrinna Stroller! Limos in the streets. Oh, Miss Stroller, I only saw your one movie, Warmonger, but it is permanently enshrined in the Loew’s of my heart. To us: That scene where she blows up in the landmine—so realistic. To Corrinna: And then you never made another picture. What happened?
CORRINNA: I just dropped in to say hi—
BUNNY: Hi! Oh, Corrinna Stroller! To Artie: You know that phony Mrs. Binard in 4-C who wouldn’t give you the time of day—she says, “Oh Miss Flingus, is this limo connected to you?” I’d like to put my fist through her dimple. She takes the newspapers out of her booties. To Corrinna: Hi, I’m Bunny, the future His. You want some snacks?
CORRINNA: I’ve got to catch a plane—
BUNNY: Should I send some down to the chauffeur? Oh, stay, have some snacks—
ARTIE: Are you gonna cook?
BUNNY: Just short-order snacks, while you audition …
ARTIE: Audition?
BUNNY: You get your ass on those tunes while the Pope’s blessing is still hot on them. Artie, the Pope looked right at me! We’re in solid. To Corrinna, with a tray of celery: Ta Ta!! That’s a trumpet. Look, before we start chattering about hellos and how-are-yous and who we all are and old times and new times, bite into a celery for some quick energy and I’ll get you a soda and Arthur here writes songs that could be perfect for Oscar-winning medleys and love themes of important motion-picture presentations and you should tell Billy about it. Artie being the Webster’s Dictionary Definition for Mr. Shy. Gone with the Wind. The Wizard of Oz. That is the calibre of film that I am talking about. And His Holiness the Very Same Pope has seen these songs and given them his blessings. She shows the sheet music to Corrinna.
CORRINNA: I’d love to, but I have a very slight post-nasal drip.
BUNNY: Isn’t she wonderful! Go on, Artie, while Mister Magic still shimmers!
ARTIE, at the piano, sings:
Back together again,
Back together again.
THREE NUNS appear at the window.
CORRINNA sees them and screams. Her transistors fall on the floor.
CORRINNA: My transistors!! She is down on her knees, search-for them.
BUNNY: Get away from here! Scat! Get away! Go! Go!
HEAD NUN: We got locked out on your roof! Please, it’s fifty below and our fingers are icicles and our lips are the color of Mary—
SECOND NUN: The doorknob came right off in our hands—
ARTIE: I’m sorry, Sisters, but these are secret auditions …
HEAD NUN: But we missed the Pope! And we came all the way from Ridgewood! Let us see it on television!
ALL THREE NUNS: Please! Please! On television!
ARTIE, opening the gate: Oh, all right …
BUNNY: Don’t do it, Arthur. She sees Corrinna on the floor. What’s the matter, honey, did you drop something? It’s like a regular Vatican here.
During the scene CORRINNA will pick up her transistors at any moment she feels she is not being observed. She keeps them in a small vial for safety.
The NUNS are now inside.
SECOND NUN: We stole Monsignor Boyle’s binoculars!
HEAD NUN: We couldn’t see the Pope, the crowds were so thick, so we climbed up onto your roof …
SECOND NUN: And I put the binoculars up to my eyes and got the Pope in focus and the pressure of Him against my eyes, oh God, the binoculars flew out of my hands like a miracle in reverse …
HEAD NUN: We’ll be quiet.
LITTLE NUN, in the kitchen: Look! Peanut butter! They have peanut butter! To us: We’re not allowed peanut butter!
ARTIE: Put that away!
HEAD NUN, a sergeant: You! Get over here.
The LITTLE NUN obeys. ARTIE turns on the TV.
SECOND NUN: Oh, color. They don’t have color!
HEAD NUN: Would you have some beers? To warm us up? We will pray for you many years for your kindness today.
BANANAS, offstage, in the hall, terrified: Artie? Artie, are you there? Is this my home? Artie?
ARTIE: Oh God, Bananas. Bunny, get the beers, would you?
BUNNY: What do I look like?
ARTIE runs into the hall to retrieve Bananas.
BUNNY, to Corrinna: Excuse the interruption; we’re not religious as such, but his heart is the Sistine Chapel. She goes to the kitchen for beers.
BANANAS, entering with Artie: I didn’t know where home was. Miss Henshaw showed me. And then your fat girlfriend ran away. I had to ask directions how to get back.
BUNNY plunks the beers on the TV set.
SECOND NUN: Oh, imported! They don’t have imported! We could’ve stayed back in Ridgewood and watched color and had imported, but no, she’s got to see everything in the flesh—
HEAD NUN: You were the one who dropped the binoculars—
SECOND NUN: You were the one who stole them—
BANANAS: Artie, did you bring work home from the office?
ARTIE: They’re nuns, Bananas, nuns.
HEAD NUN: We got locked out on the upstairs roof. Hi!
BANANAS: Hi!
ARTIE: This is Corrinna Stroller, Billy’s girlfriend. Corrinna, this is Bananas.
THE NUNS: Corrinna Stroller! The movie star!
BANANAS: Hello, Billy’s girlfriend. God, Billy’s girlfriends always make me feel so shabby!
BUNNY, to Corrinna: Arthur believes in keeping family skeletons out in the open like pets. Heel, Bananas, heel!
LITTLE NUN, running to Corrinna’s side, to Corrinna: I saw The Sound of Music thirty-one times. It changed my entire life.
CORRINNA: Unitarian.
ARTIE: All right now, where were we?
B
UNNY: Ta Ta! The trumpet.
ARTIE, at the piano, sings:
Back together again,
Back together again …
HEAD NUN screams: There’s Jackie Kennedy!!! Get me with Jackie Kennedy!!! She puts her arm around the TV.
The LITTLE NUN takes out her Brownie with flash and takes a picture of the head nun posing with Jackie on TV.
SECOND NUN: There’s Mayor Lindsay! Get me with him! Mayor Lindsay dreamboat! Mayor Wagner ugh!
There is a scream from the kitchen. BANANAS has burned herself.
ARTIE, running into the kitchen: What do you think you’re doing?
BANANAS: Cooking for our guests. I’m some good, Artie. I can cook.
ARTIE: What is it?
BANANAS: Hamburgers. I felt for them and I cooked them.
ARTIE: Brillo pads. You want to feed our guests Brillo pads? To the nuns: Sisters, please, you’re going to have to go into the other room. You’re upsetting my wife. He unplugs the TV and hustles the nuns off into Ronnie’s bedroom.
SECOND NUN: Go on with what you’re doing. Don’t bother about us. We’re nothing. We’ve just given our lives up praying for you. I’m going to start picking who I pray for. She exits.
The LITTLE NUN crosses to the kitchen to retrieve the peanut butter.
BUNNY: That man is a saint. That woman is a devil.
BANANAS: I’m burned.
BUNNY: Put some vinegar on it. Some salt. Take the sting out.
HEAD NUN, coming out of the bedroom, very pleased: There is an altar boy in here. She exits.
BANANAS: My son was an altar boy. He kept us in good with God. But then he grew up. He isn’t an altar boy any more. She exits into her room.
BUNNY, to Corrinna: Sometimes I think the whole world has gone cuckoo, don’t you?
CORRINNA: For two days.
The LITTLE NUN goes into Ronnie’s room as ARTIE comes out and downstage.
ARTIE, to us: My son Ronnie’s in there! He’s been picked to be the Pope’s altar boy at Yankee Stadium—out of all the boys at Fort Dix! I tell you—miracles tumble down on this family. I don’t want you to meet him yet. If his mother sees him, her head will go all over the wall like Spanish omelettes.
To Corrinna: Are you comfortable?
BUNNY: She’s adorable! And so down to earth! She takes Corrinna’s bejeweled hands.
CORRINNA: It’s five carats. It’s something, isn’t it?
BUNNY, to Corrinna: Sit right up here with Mister Maestro—She seats Corrinna next to Artie at the piano.
ARTIE: Where was I—
BUNNY: “Like Fido chewed them.” You left off there—
ARTIE sings as BUNNY dances. BANANAS enters and watches them.
… Like Fido chewed them,
But we’re
Back together again.
You can say you knew us when We were together;
Now we’re apart,
Thunder and lightning’s Back in my heart,
And that’s the weather to be
When you’re back together with me.
BUNNY claps wildly. CORRINNA follows suit. BANANAS claps slowly.
BUNNY: Encore! Encore!
ARTIE, happy now: What should I play next?
BUNNY: Oh God, how do you pick a branch from a whole Redwood Forest?
BANANAS, licking her hand: “I Love You So I Keep Dreaming.”
BUNNY picks up the phone, but doesn’t dial: Come and get her!
BANANAS: Play “I Love You So I Keep Dreaming.”
ARTIE, pleased: You really remember that?
BANANAS: How could I forget it …
BUNNY: I’m not used to being Queen of the Outsiders. What song is this?
ARTIE: I almost forgot it. It must have been like Number One that I ever wrote. The one that showed me I should go on.
BUNNY: Well, let me hear it.
ARTIE: You really surprise me, Bananas. Sometimes I miss you so much …
BUNNY, warning: Arthur, I still haven’t forgiven you for this morning.
ARTIE sings:
I love you so I keep dreaming
Of all the lovely times we shared …
BUNNY: Heaven. That is unadulterated heaven.
BANANAS, interrupting: Now play “White Christmas”?
BUNNY: Shocks for sure.
BANANAS, banging the keys of the piano: Play “White Christmas”?
ARTIE, to Corrinna: She’s … not feeling too … hot …
BUNNY, to Corrinna: In case you haven’t noticed …
ARTIE: She keeps crawling under the weather … He plays a run on the piano.
BANANAS: “White Christmas”???????
ARTIE groans, then plays and sings “White Christmas.”
BUNNY, to Corrinna: It really burns me up all these years The Telephone Hour doing salutes to fakers like Richard Rodgers. Just listen to that. Blaaaagh.
ARTIE stops playing.
BANANAS: Don’t you hear it?
ARTIE plays and sings slowly:
I’m dreaming of a …
I love you so I …
They are the same tune.
ARTIE: Oh God. Oh God.
BANANAS sings desperately:
I love you so I keep dreaming—
Are you tone deaf? Can’t you hear it? She bangs the keys on the piano.
ARTIE slams the lid shut on her hand. She yells and licks her fingers to get the pain off them.
ARTIE: Oh, you have had it, Little Missy. All these years you knew that and made me play it. She’s always trying to do that, Corrinna. Always trying to embarrass me. You have had it, Little Missy. Did Shakespeare ever write one original plot? You tell me that?
He drags Bananas down to the edge of the stage.
To us: In front of all of you, I am sorry. But you are looking at someone who has had it.
BANANAS: I am just saying your song sounds an awful lot like “White—
ARTIE: Then they can sing my song in the summertime. He pushes her away and picks up the phone.
BANANAS: Who are you calling?
BUNNY: Do it, Arthur.
BANANAS, terrified: Artie, who are you calling??????
BUNNY: Do you have a little suitcase? I’ll start you packing.
BANANAS, to Corrinna: Billy’s friend? Help me? Billy wouldn’t want them to do this. Not to me. He’d be mad. Whispering desperately, grabbing Corrinna’s hands: Help me? Bluebirds. He’ll tell you all about it. Me walking on the roof. Can’t you say anything? You want bribes? Here—take these flowers. They’re for you. Take this liquor. For you. She is hysterical.
BUNNY pulls her away and slaps her.
BANANAS: I’ll be quiet. I’ll take my pills. She reaches for the vial containing Corrinna’s transistors and swallows them.
CORRINNA, to us: My transistors!
ARTIE, on the telephone: This is Mr. Shaughnessy. Arthur M…. I was out there last week and talked about my wife.
BANANAS: That’s why my ears were burning …
ARTIE: I forgot which doctor I talked to.
BANANAS: He had a mustache.
ARTIE: He had a mustache. To his wife: Thank you. Into the phone: Doctor? Hello? That’s right, Doctor, could you come and … all that we talked about. The room over the garage is fine. Yes, Doctor. Now. Today…. Really? That soon? She’ll be all ready…. He hangs up the phone.
BUNNY: Arthur, give me your hand. Like I said, today’s my wedding day. I wanted something white at my throat. Look, downstairs in a pink cookie jar, I got a thousand dollars saved up and we are flying out to California with Corrinna. As soon as Bananas here is carted off, we’ll step off that plane and Billy and you and I and Corrinna here will eat and dance and drink and love until the middle of the next full moon. To Bananas: Bananas, honey, it’s not just a hospital. They got dances. To Corrinna: Corrinna, I’ll be right back with my suitcase. To Artie: Artie, start packing. All my life I been treated like an old shoe. You turned me into a glass slipper. She sings:
I’m
here with bells on.
Ring! Ring! Ring! Ring! Ring!
She exits.
ARTIE: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
BANANAS runs into her bedroom.
CORRINNA edges toward the front door.
ARTIE: Well, Corrinna, now you know everything. Dirty laundry out in the open. I’ll be different out West. I’m great at a party. I never took a plane trip before. I guess that’s why my stomach is all queasied up…. Hey, I’d better start packing…. He exits.
CORRINNA heads for the door. The NUNS enter.
HEAD NUN: Miss Stroller! Miss Stroller! He told us all about Hollywood and Billy and Huckleberry Finn—
SECOND NUN: You tell Billy he ought to be ashamed treating a boy like that—
LITTLE NUN, with paper and pen: Miss Stroller, may I have your autograph?
CORRINNA: Sisters, pray for me? Pray my ears come out all right. I’m leaving for Australia—
THE NUNS: Australia?!?
CORRINNA: For a very major ear operation and I need all the prayers I can get. To us: South Africa’s where they do the heart work, but Australia’s the place for ears. So pray for me. Pray my operation’s a success.
ARTIE enters with his suitcase half-packed.
ARTIE: Australia?
CORRINNA: I’m so glad I made a new friend my last day in America.
THE NUNS: She’s going to Australia!
CORRINNA: Perhaps you’ll bring me luck.
ARTIE: Your last day in America? Sisters, please.
CORRINNA: I’ll be Mrs. Einhorn the next time you see me…. Billy and I are off to Australia tomorrow for two fabulous years. Billy’s making a new film that is an absolute breakthrough for him—Kangaroo—and you must—all of you—come to California.
THE NUNS: Kangaroo! California!
CORRINNA: And we’ll be back in two years.
ARTIE: But we’re coming with you today …
