How did I do this? How could I lose one of them?
“Delia,” Dr. Locke says with compassion. “You didn’t do anything wrong. There are a hundred reasons this could have happened, and sometimes, there’s just no explaining it. I am so sorry.”
The sound that escapes my chest is painful to my own ears. I lost a baby. I lost one of our babies. I don’t know how to feel, what to feel. One of the two is gone, and I feel lost and broken.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.
She takes my hand. “I know, I want to send you to the hospital for some bloodwork and monitoring. My biggest concern is a possible infection. I’d like to get you started on some antibiotics as a precaution.”
I know she’s speaking, but it’s little more than white noise against the pain. All I can do is imagine the little girl we dreamed of and how that will never be.
“Delia?” Dr. Locke calls my name.
“I’m not even bleeding,” I say again.
“You won’t bleed. The fetal demise will stay in since you’re not experiencing labor. It’s the best course for baby A. We want to keep you and him as healthy as we can.”
I try to hold on to the fact that I still have one. “Will he be okay?”
“There is nothing on the ultrasound that suggests he is in trouble, but you’re going to be high risk, and we’re going to monitor things very, very closely. If I see anything that concerns me, we’ll come up with a plan. Do you need to call anyone?”
Josh.
His face flashes before me, and I can’t breathe. I will never be able to tell him this. All the progress we’ve made and it’s all going to fall apart here. He will inevitably blame himself when he is the last person who is at fault. He’ll focus on how he wasn’t here when, even if he were, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome.
I shake my head, my hand resting against my throat as I struggle to speak. “No.”
“You should have someone drive you, Delia.”
There’s only one person I can think of, and it’s not him. Not yet. I need to think of how I’ll ever be able to explain this to him.
“Okay. Yeah, I will.”
The doctor leaves the room so I can make the call. I reach for my phone, and she answers on the second ring. “Jess,” I say quickly. “I need you. Something’s wrong.”
“I’m on my way.” The response comes without hesitation, and I curl up on the table, crying harder than I ever have before.
Chapter 34
Joshua
While today’s meeting was great, it was draining. We secured the loan we needed by impressing the bank with the progress we’ve made with the budget we have now. I’m walking the property with Odette, addressing some changes made that weren’t approved by me or Stella.
“Who asked for that?” I gesture to one of the walls that has been pushed forward.
“That was Oliver,” she says pulling out the change form. Sure enough, there is his signature with a note on the bottom that says: I wanted this. I don’t care that I didn’t ask. Vote me off the island for all I care.
“He’s an asshole,” I mutter.
“I think he was right,” Odette says. “By pushing it back, it gives you more space here, which will help when you’re dealing with the events.”
“He’s not often right.”
“That’s not the discussion,” she says smoothly.
“You know, you do a good job managing us Parkersons,” I note.
“Do I? After squabbling with Alex during the plans, I would think not.”
“What happened with you two?”
She waves off the question. “It was nothing. I’m really happy for him. I think he’ll do great work on that project.”
“Me too, even if it means he’s now across the world.”
“That part is unfortunate, but if I got the offer he did, I would go too.” Odette smiles. “What about you and Delia? How is she?”
Her name makes my lips turn up without even thinking about it. “She’s great. We’re doing good, ready for the twins.”
“I don’t know how you’re going to handle twins and this place. It’s going to be crazy.”
I think back to how this all started, and it’s crazy. One moment changed everything, which is what it’s been for me and Delia too. A split second altered our lives.
My father’s decision that caused the riff between him and Grayson. He chose to sleep with his ex, force Grayson to make a decision, and think the rest of us would fall in line. As insane as it is, I’m glad it happened this way. I’ve missed my siblings, and had I not come back to Willow Creek Valley, I wouldn’t have Delia.
“I think we’ll manage. We’ve dealt with worse.”
“I have complete faith in you all.” Before I can respond, Samuel walks over, hand raised, and Odette turns to me. “Excuse me.”
“Of course.”
Samuel has been a great help to Odette, and I know that Jack and Stella are more than pleased he and Kinsley moved here. It means their daughter might stay in Willow Creek permanently and they get to spend more time with her.
I let them talk and head out to the back deck area. We’re going to have this connect to the restaurant, but we’re also going to build another extension off the front that will have a cozier feel. Somewhere you can read a book or sit and talk.
I walk around, inspecting and measuring the side when my sister appears. “Really, Josh?”
I blink. “What?”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing what I need to. Working.”
Stella lets out a deep sigh and shakes her head. “When Grayson said you were here, I thought . . . no. No way would he be working. Not my brother. Not my oldest and most amazing brother.”
“Stella, I own this place too, in case you forgot.”
My sister scowls. “Are we back to this?”
I’m getting a fucking headache. “To what?”
“Where work is all that matters? What about the people who need you, Josh? You’re not this guy.”
“I’m clearly this guy, and when the hell have I said work is all that matters? I think my actions have proven otherwise.” My voice is clipped.
She throws her hands up in the air. “Then why the fuck are you here? Why, Josh? Why would you abandon her? Why would you be walking around the goddamn inn that’s not even built yet instead of being at her side?”
“Whose side?” I yell.
Stella blinks and looks at me as though I’m a fool. “Delia.”
I take a step toward her. “What about Delia?”
I watch as my sister seems to piece together that I have no idea what she’s talking about. “She . . . she called . . . didn’t she call you?”
My phone is in my hand, and there’s nothing. “No. She hasn’t called because she’s at her appointment.”
“Josh, I—” Stella pauses and then inhales deeply. “I thought you knew and weren’t going. She called Jessica, and I was with Grayson when Jessica called him, telling him he needed to come home. He said he had to go but not why and was gone before I could ask. So, I called Jessica, who said it was Delia. They’re taking her to the hospital, something is wrong. That’s all I know.”
I don’t respond or think. I just run. I’m moving toward my car, my sister screaming my name, but I keep going. Something is wrong, and I am going to be too late. Again. I will fail her like I knew I would. I pull my door open, and Stella is there, pulling open the passenger side. “Josh, stop!”
“I have to go.”
“You have to calm down. You can’t go in there like this.”
“I don’t even fucking know what this is!”
Stella scrambles into the car. “I’m going with you.”
I don’t care. I just start the car and throw it in reverse. I feel as though I’m reliving ten years ago, racing to get the girl I love, needing to save her before it’s too late.
“Josh, you have to slow down,” Stella warns. “She’s okay. Jes
sica is with her.”
“I should be with her!”
My sister grips my wrist. “Calm down. You’re going to be no good to her if you’re a raging lunatic. I know you’re worried, but she’s with the doctors.”
“I fucking did it again, Stella! Don’t you see? I should’ve fucking been there. I should’ve been with her today, but instead, I was here because work was too important. I didn’t leave after the goddamn meeting, I stayed and walked the property. She didn’t call me! She didn’t even call me because she knew!”
Stella watches me as I move through the streets, each mile feels like it takes an hour to cover.
“She knew what?” Her voice is soft and full of concern.
“That I’d be too late. That I wouldn’t make it to her, and I’d hurt her.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
I’m making perfect sense. I’m the guy who doesn’t get there. I’m the one who allows the people I love to get hurt because I don’t make the right choices. “This isn’t the first time I’ve loved a girl and she died.”
When we stop at a red light, my hands tighten against the wheel, and the sense of dread grows.
Stella’s hand is still wrapped around my wrist, but when she speaks, her voice is soft and cautious. “Joshua, what are you talking about with a girl dying?”
This is the longest red light in history.
I turn to her, my body feeling tight and my heart racing. I never told my siblings because I couldn’t handle disappointing them. I’ve tried my entire life to be almost a father to them. To give them what our own father never did. The idea of them seeing me even the slightest bit like him—selfish—is too much.
However, there’s no stopping it now. My sister will see me for the man that I am, and I have to accept it.
I tell her a very short version about Morgan and the baby I lost, and her fingers tighten.
“Oh, Josh, why did you never tell me?”
The light finally turns green, but I can’t seem to move my foot off the brake. “How could I?”
“Because I’m your sister.”
“Just like you told me about Kinsley?” I toss back, not to hurt her but to show her that we’re all guilty of it.
“I was wrong, and so were you. We all keep these secrets, and it eats us alive. We judge ourselves harder than we would judge each other. I don’t know why we’re this way, but we have to stop. I should’ve told you about Kinsley when it was happening. I can blame the ignorance of youth and the fear of what you’d all think about me, but at least I had Jack through it all. Who did you have?”
My heart is pounding against my chest. “I couldn’t talk about it.”
“I understand, but this isn’t the same.”
It sure as hell feels like it. Once again, I’m at work when the woman I love needs me. Only, this time, Delia didn’t call me. She didn’t beg me to come because she knew I wouldn’t make it. That I’d be at work and unable to get to her.
“I can’t lose her, Stella.”
“We don’t even know what it is. Let’s get to the hospital so we can find out, but you didn’t fail her, and I refuse to let you think it. Drive, Josh, and get to her so she knows she isn’t alone.”
I race to her, desperate to reach her before it’s too late.
Jessica is pacing the hallway when I get to the labor and delivery. “Josh . . . I . . . she asked me not to call. I’m sorry that I didn’t, but I . . .”
I lift my hand, not wanting her to feel guilty. “I understand. Just tell me she’s okay.”
Stella called Jessica who explained she promised not to tell me. After that, I wasn’t sure I should come, but Stella, the voice of reason, pushed me. So, here I am, where she doesn’t want me and felt strong enough to keep it from me. She doesn’t trust me, and right now, I’m fucking broken.
Jessica steps to me. “She’s alive, and she’s okay, to a point. I really think you need to hear all of it from her, but she’s not in any life-threatening danger.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “The babies?”
Her lower lip trembles. “I begged her to call you. She’s just so afraid, Josh. She’s afraid that you’re going to hate her.”
“Why the hell would I hate her?”
“I don’t know, and she can’t answer me.”
“Tell me what happened.”
Jessica shakes her head as her hand grips my shoulder. “You should go in there and talk to her. She needs you, but she’s got herself so worked up about this being the end of you both. Just, I’m warning you. In all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her this broken.” Jessica tells me the room number and how to get there. Each step is slow, as though my feet have lead bricks on the bottoms. I don’t know what I’m walking into, but no matter what, I vow that I won’t fail her. Whatever she needs, I’ll give it.
I get to the door and pause before knocking softly in case she’s asleep. When she doesn’t answer, I push the door open and walk in.
Delia is lying on her side, facing away from me. Her long blonde hair falls down her back, shifting with her quiet sobs.
The sound of her crying takes what was left of my shriveled heart and destroys it.
“Delia?” I say quietly, and she flips around to face me. Rivers of tears flow down her cheeks, and her nose is red.
“No! No, I am not ready. I am not ready to lose you too!” She cries harder.
“Lose me?”
Her shoulders shake as tears come harder. “I lost her this time, Josh. I did, and now you’re going to leave me too. I needed more time. I needed to prepare to go back to a life where I didn’t have you.”
I move quickly, gathering her into my arms as she sobs. “Talk to me. I don’t know what the hell is going on, and I’m not going to leave you.”
She lifts her head, sniffling hard. “I lost our little girl. There’s no heartbeat . . . she’s gone. I lost her. I lost one of the babies. Again, you lost a baby.”
I pull Delia tighter to me, holding her because it’s the only thing keeping me together. The little girl we spoke of, named, and gave a space to will never be. The loss of a child we never even knew slicing through me so hard I feel as though I’m losing everything.
But I hold it in because, right now, Delia needs me more than anything.
“You didn’t lose her.”
She sobs, clutching at me. “She’s gone.”
“It’s okay, Delia. You didn’t lose her.”
Delia’s brown eyes are filled with so much pain. “It was my job to keep her safe, and I didn’t.”
“That’s not the truth.”
She didn’t do it. I did. It was me allowing myself to think I could love something and not lose it, but I don’t say it.
“It’s how I feel. The doctor said sometimes this just happens, but I don’t get it. We were out of the danger zone. I felt fine. Tired, but fine. I didn’t bleed or have contractions. She just . . . she stopped being alive, and I’m fucking lost. How do I do this?”
I brush back the hair that’s stuck to her wet cheek. “You are strong. You are brave. You are an amazing woman, and you did nothing wrong.”
Her tears fall. “You have lost so much already, and I . . .”
I’ve felt pain before, loss of something I loved, but this is a hundred times worse. Losing my daughter is devastating, but seeing Delia fall apart because of it is unbearable.
“Please, baby, don’t,” I beg. “I know that you’re sad, but you didn’t do this.”
“I should’ve called you, Josh. I wanted to, but I was scared,” she admits, her hand moving to my cheek. “I was so angry at myself and at life. We were happy. We gave her a crib with pink flowers over it. I just . . . I am so sorry.”
My hands cup her face, hating the tears that continue to flow. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there today. That you did this alone and I wasn’t here for you.” Just like last time.
“I just didn’t want it to be true.”
I
bring my lips to hers, tasting the salty tears. “I wish I could make it that way. What happens now?”
She sniffles and then pulls away, lying back in the bed. “They’re making sure I don’t develop an infection on what they keep calling a fetal demise. That word . . . it’s just so . . . hard, and I can’t hear it. She’s not a fetal demise, she was our baby girl. She was going to be a person.”
I hold her hand, unsure of what to say but offering her the comfort that I can give. “She was.”
“She’s not now. They’re doing some tests to make sure the other baby is okay. I have to stop working because now I’m high risk and will be until I deliver—if I don’t lose him too.”
“Whatever we have to do, we’ll figure it out.”
She turns her head. “I can’t . . . I just . . . can you hold me?”
She shifts over, and I climb onto the bed with her. My arms shelter her, and I wish I could shield her from the pain she’s feeling, but I can’t. All I’m able to do is try to hold her together. We stay like this, staring out the window as people come in, changing IV bags and talking, but neither of us pay attention. We just lie together, feeling the loss of a child, and I pray we can find our way through it all before I cost her anything else.
Chapter 35
Delia
My mother used to say that when the sun rises the day after heartbreak, the light clears away the pain.
She is a liar.
As the brightness from the sunrise fills the hospital room, I feel no better. I feel like I lost a baby, which I did. I try to find solace in the fact that I am still having at least one baby, but it hurts. It hurts because there was still a loss, and I have to carry her because it’s better for our son than if I deliver.
I use every bit of strength I have, which isn’t much at all, not to start crying again. Josh’s arm tightens around me. “You awake?”
“I am.”
He shifts and then stretches. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Off and on,” I say, keeping my back to him.
He was wonderful last night. He stayed in this incredibly uncomfortable bed, holding me all night long. I needed him, more than I can say, and I am so worried that, once this all sinks in, we’re going to fall apart. Josh has felt loss so deeply that he’s still recovering from it ten years later, and now to go through it again . . . I’m scared.
A Moment for Us Page 21
