by Claire Shaw
Turning his back on me, he walks over to the table set-up to left side of the room with what looks like different devices on it. Humming a little tune to himself he slowly picks each item up and inspects it, all while still humming that haunting little tune. God if this was one of those stupid horror movies, it would be creepy. But some reason all I do is try to work out where I have heard the tune before. What is wrong with me? I should be scared, should fear what comes next. But I don't. I mean seriously what more can he do to me?
As he finishes inspecting all the items on the table, he picks up a metal wheel with spike on the end. It looks similar to a pizza cutter but instead of a solid circle it has spikes. With a grim look across his face, he walks over to me.
“This device is called a pin wheel and is designed to cause a pleasurable pain. I want to start you off slowly.”
He starts to move the wheel slowly on the side of my left breast. The slight pain of the pins pushing into my sensitive flesh was bearable. Moving to the other side, he did the same to the other breast. After trying it in different areas such as my inside thighs and also the bottom of my feet, had me feeling a little worried. The pain was not what you would call painful and I can see why people would use this during sex and enjoy it. However, this is not for me.
“I can see my little pet is starting to enjoy this. Are you wet for me little pet?” I can feel his breath of my ear as he whispers to me. “Maybe I should check to see how much my pet is enjoying my little game.”
His fingers traced down my collar bone, across the top of my breast and down my stomach before dipping between my legs. Watching his face, I saw the pleasure overtake his features as he found my core and his fingers slipped inside of me. I knew that this was my body’s natural response and that I wasn’t enjoying his touch. I kept chanting this in my head just to try to keep me from breaking.
“Oh, little pet, you are making me so proud. I feel how much pleasure I am causing you. You love my touch.”
The idea of loving what he is doing to me makes me stomach roll and I fight not to be sick. He moves away from me and back to the table. It takes everything in me not to turn my head to see what he's doing. I keep my head up and stare straight at the wall.
“Now, now little pet, show the camera how much you want this.”
I feel his hands on my nipples and something cold touches them. I can't help the flinch as the cold metal touches me. Catching his face, he smirks at me. I feel the metal clamps on my nipples as he tightens them, just enough where it’s uncomfortable. Thinking this is not so bad; he reaches for another clamp and connects this to my clit. The pain is more than the pin wheel but still just at bearable. I’m beginning to think this less about causing me pain and more about him having control. He moves over to a machine next to the table with wires coming from it. He connects the wires to the clamps.
“Do you know what this machine is little pet?”
I refuse to talk as I know my voice will come out a little shaky.
“Well little pet, this machine is used in electro convulsive therapy. Think of the vaults that will pass through your body.”
I can feel the panic start to bubble up. He moves over to the machine and starts it up. I feel my fingers dig into the restraints as I prepare myself.
“Don’t worry my little pet, we will start small… at first.”
He moves the camera so it is now in front of me and you can see everything. I feel the first little vault and my body jumps. Throwing my head back, I squeeze my eyes shut. The first vault was bad but okay. I’ve got this! I keep telling myself I’ve got this. I will not give in. He cannot break me.
The next shock is stronger than the first; causing my body to shake and I bite down on my tongue to stop me from screaming out. I can taste the blood in my mouth.
The third shock is worse and my body convulses. His evil laugh can be heard all around me. The fourth is my undoing and I cannot hold the scream that is ripped from my throat. By the fifth shock the pain in unbearable and my world goes black.
Everything feels heavy and painful when I try to move. As I slowly start to come round more, I can feel a hand on my head, slowly and gently stroking my hair. It feels comforting and nice. Trying to open my eyes, the bright light makes me close them again and I respond with a groan.
“Beau, switch the main light off please. Carrie? Are you with me?”
Opening my eyes again the room now has a soft glow to it from the lamp.
“I’m here,” I croak as my throat feels dry and sore.
“I’ll get you some water,” a little voice says. My heart breaks knowing my son is seeing me like this. I should be protecting him. He comes back over to the bed and places the straw against my lips. Meeting his eyes, I can see the hurt and worry in them. This only cements my decision. Taking a sip of the cold water, instantly my throat feels better.
“Thank you, baby, I love you.”
His eyes meet mine and all I can see is sadness.
“I love you too momma,” he kisses my cheek.
A tear slowly works its way down my cheek.
“Agnes, it's time,” I say while I’m feeling brave enough.
“No, Carrie. He needs you.”
I need him too but I need him safe more.
“Agnes, it’s getting worse. You didn't see the look in his eyes. It's not going to get any better. This needs to happen now. We have everything planned.”
Agnes and I planned that if anything was to happen to me or the abuse got to a certain point, she would take Beau and run.
“Come here son,” I reach my hand out for him.
“You and Agnes are going to go on a little trip. Remember what I told you about your daddy?”
Beau looks at me with an intense stare that is an exact copy of his fathers.
“I remember, Daddy and my Granddaddies’ all ride motorbikes and are in a club. Daddy loves me with all his heart.”
Pride swells in my chest, I made sure my son knew if his daddy could, he would love him with all he had, as that is the kind of man he is.
“Agnes is going to take you to see your daddy. Promise me you’ll be a good boy and do everything they say?”
With a small tear he nods his head.
“Who’s going to look after you momma?”
The pain in his voice is my undoing. Reaching for him, I hold him to me as tightly as possible.
“Momma will be just fine baby.” Kissing his forehead, my hands cup his face. “I love you to the moon and back,” I whisper.
“I love you to the stars and more,” he replies back.
After a few moments I release him.
“Go now Agnes.”
Agnes starts to pack and retrieve the emergency escape bag we packed when Beau was born. It has everything we would need to get Beau to safety. I really had hoped we would never have to use it. Grabbing hold of Agnes’ arm as she passes me, I say, “Agnes, in the bag is letter for Jason. Please make sure he gets it.”
She gives me a knowing smile.
“Of course, sweetie,” she says patting my hand.
She really is the mother I never had. Hugging me tight she whispers, “I love you.”
I hold her a little tighter. “I love you too. You’ve been the mum I always wanted.”
Moving towards the bags she gets ready to leave.
“Be a good boy Beau and remember how much I love you.”
My words falter as I try not to cry. This is killing me. The pain I feel inside my chest as I watch them leave is unbearable. Part of me knows this is for the best and I need to do whatever it takes to keep him safe. He is all I have left in the world and I will keep him safe. I know Jason and the club will look after him. The room suddenly feels so big and cold so I curl up into a ball as my tears start to fall. This is the only time I will allow myself to break. He will never get this from me.
Chapter Eight
Joker
No-one has ever ac
cused me of being patient. I’m restless and can’t keep still. Tank takes pity on me and we spar in the clubs gym at the clubhouse. I need something to distract me from going off the deep end. All I can think about is that torture room we found and praying to god my girl has not been anywhere near that room. I need to stop my mind going to these dark places.
Waiting for Wire to come up with more information is excruciatingly painful and it is taking all of my willpower not to go off on my own. I know I need brother’s help to find her and get her home safely but that doesn’t mean my heart is listening. I need to think about this all logically and not go off half-cocked, only to get myself killed. I’m no good to anyone if I’m dead.
Getting my head back in the game, I continue to work the bag. I’m taking all of my frustration out with every punch. Hearing the gym door open, BJ makes his way over to me.
“How’re you doing son?” he asks as he grabs a chair.
Stopping my pace, I grab the bag and rest my head against it while I catch my breath and form words. I can feel the sweat pouring off me and how heavy my arms feel. I must have really been lost in my head.
“Don’t get lost in your head,” BJ confirms after a few moments silence. It’s as if he can read my thoughts.
“I’m trying Prez, it's harder than you think not to go there. You saw that room,” I say closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
With a deep sigh and slap on my back.
“I know kid, but keep it contained. We will get her back.”
Just as he's about to leave the room, a prospect comes through the door.
“Prez, do we have anyone called Jason here? There is a woman at the gate with a kid asking for him.”
Turning to Prez, I raise my eyebrow puzzled.
“Get cleaned up and I’ll see what’s happening.” Prez leaves with the prospect.
Quickly heading to the locker room, I jump in the shower, making quick work of sorting myself out. I’m the only Jason at this clubhouse. None of the other brothers or prospects is called Jason that I know off. So, this woman must be someone who either knew me as a kid or knows someone who knew me as kid as otherwise, they would know my road name.
Making my way outside I can see no-one at the gate so I head into the clubhouse. Seeing the prospect from the gate, I nod to him
“Prez is in church, said to send you in.”
Nodding my thanks, I head for church. Stopping at the doors I take a deep breath and try to calm my heart that feels like its beating so fast it could leap from my chest at any moment. I have a feeling that whatever is on the other side of the door is going to be life changing. Taking another deep breath, I knock on the door.
“Come in,” Prez shouts.
I push the door open and walk in.
Prez is sat at the head of the table and turning to his left I notice a woman sat there.
“You, I’ve seen you near the compound recently.”
She slowly nods her head. I knew I wasn’t going crazy and seeing things. Its then I notice a boy sitting next to her and the bottom drops out of my world. He is the spitting image of me.
My eyes find Prez and he nods. Well Fuck! I grab a chair and slowly lower myself into it. I can take my eyes of the boy. His face is turned down a little and his eyes don’t meet mine. Taking another breath, I look at the woman
“What's going on?” stupidest question I could ask.
I actually want to smack myself in the head. I just don’t want to say it out loud. My eyes drift back to the boy and he finally looks at me. Connecting with his eyes all my breath leaves my body and one word falls from my lips
“Carrie!”
He has the bluest eyes I have only ever seen once in my life and they belonged to my girl.
Prez coughs to get my attention. I begrudgingly move to look at him.
“This lady’s name is Agnes and the boy is Beau. She’s told me her story but I’m going to let her tell you. Just hear her out and keep your mind calm.” He says firmly. Nodding my understanding I look to the woman, Agnes.
She gives me a small smile and starts her story by handing me a letter. I instantly know the writing; with shaking hands I open the envelope and start to read.
By the end of the letter I can feel the tears streaming down my face. Placing the letter on the table I look up to my son. Fuck, I have a son. He also has tears down his face. Getting up from my chair I can see the pain in his face.
Does he think I don’t want him?
He was born from the love Carrie and me share. I turn as if I’m heading for the door and I hear his intake of breath. He thinks I’m leaving him. I make my way round the table and drop down in front of him.
He slowly turns to face me, raising my hand he flinches and the rage powers through me. Whoever caused my son to fear will die a slow and painful death; the protective father instinct kicking already. I smile as I don’t want to scare him and gently wipe away the tears with my finger.
“I will never raise my hand to you and I promise no-one will ever hurt you again…. Son.”
The last part comes out on a choke and the next minute I’m on floor and Beau is on my knee. I wrap my arms around him and hold him as tight as I can without hurting him.
I can hear soft sobs. I look at Agnes as she sits there and softly cries.
“Thank you, Agnes, for looking after and protecting my girl and my son. You are family and we will look after you.”
Nodding to Prez he smiles.
“How old is the boy?” Prez asks.
“Beau, his name is Beau,” I correct.
God the name hits me, Carrie and me used to love watching Smoking and the Bandit and joked once that if we ever had children, I would name them after the Bandit.
“He will be ten years old soon,” Agnes confirms.
Doing the math quickly in my head I figure out he was conceived on Carrie's birthday. The memory of that night is cemented in my brain forever and was the best night of my life for more than one reason now.
Looking at Prez he nods.
“I’ll get the girls together to go get clothes, bedding, and anything else he might need. He’ll need a bed too.”
Still clinging to me I lift him up, he’s so light. I need to get a proper meal in him.
“Come on champ; let’s get some food in you. What’s your favourite?”
“Jason, Beau hasn’t had many experiences, when it came to food, we ate what we could. He doesn’t have a favourite like a normal child,” Agnes confirms my worst fears.
“Thank you, Agnes, I think we will need to talk more later if that’s okay? I have a lot of questions. But first my son needs me.”
I turn to look at my son in my arms, “Come on champ let’s see what we can find in the kitchen that you might like to try. You can have anything you want.”
Walking into the kitchen I set Beau down on the counter and turn towards the fridge
“Right my boy, what do you like the look of?” opening the fridge wide so he can look.
His eyes taken in the whole fridge and he looks down at his hands. Moving over to him, I gently lift his chin up.
“You can pick anything and everything you like. I understand you weren’t allowed before but I promise you will never be denied food again.”
His eyes still look sad but he nods he’s understood me. He looks back over to the fridge and seems to be closely inspecting each item. Pointing at a covered dish, “What’s that?” he asks with a shaky voice.
“Good choice! That is the best pasta you will ever taste. Come on let’s try some.”
Taking the bowl out of the fridge, I warm 2 plates up. Sitting at the breakfast bar I pick up my knife and fork. Looking over to Beau I can see him staring at the cutlery.
“You use a knife and fork before?”
Lifting his head to me, he gives me a strange look.
“I have but usually I have to wait to be told when I can eat. He likes to eat first
.”
Rage ripples through me. I have to fight the urge to lose my shit; I’m going to need to watch any angry outbreaks in front of Beau.
“Well son, here you don’t need to wait. Minute foods in front of you, eat. It’s on mass here. You have many uncles who are all going to love you and spoil you but also they will protect and care for you.”
The most amazing smile lights up his face. Its breath taking, fuck I’m already a sap for the kid. Knowing he was born from Carrie and me is amazing but also guts me. I’m devastated I missed him growing and being born. I missed so many firsts but I need to focus on all the firsts I have to come; especially if he's not had a normal childhood.
I pull my phone from my pocket and I text Prez. Hoping the girls haven’t gone to get his stuff yet. I feel this might be a bonding father son moment. Prez confirms they haven’t so I let him know I want to take the boy to Target. We will pick out his entire bedroom and kids’ stuff together.
He agrees and lets me know he’s thinking of moving my room to one further down the hall so it’s away from the noise but also has an adjoining room so Beau can have his own space. It's a perfect idea, the prospects will get on with that while were out. Once we’ve finished eating and Beau is wearing more sauce then is on his plate, which makes me chuckle.
“Right then kid, I’m guessing you don’t really have a lot of stuff?”
He looks down; Christ this kid is killing me with the sad faces.
“How do you feel about your own room, right next door to mine? We can decorate it and fill it with everything you chose and like?”
His little face lit up and he looks so excited. Chuckling I collect our plates and put them in the dishwasher while grabbing a towel to wipe his face. Taking him by the hand, we leave the kitchen and head outside. As we get closer to my truck, I see my Pops and Tank so divert to speak with them.
“Who do we have here?” Pops asks with a confused look on his face.
“Yeah, so not really had a chance to fill you both in but this is Beau, mine and Carrie’s son.”
