by Sarah Bailey
“I’m alive.”
I’m alive and I want to talk to James.
“Please tell me what you need. I know you don’t want me, but what do you need?”
Was my pain hurting him too? Is that why he wanted to know what would help me? Would he let me have it if I asked? There was only one way of finding out.
“James… I need him.”
A low rumble of frustration echoed through the cell.
“Avery, you know that’s impossible.”
“Is it? Is one phone call going to ruin everything?”
Silence. It echoed around my skull. I heard him move. Footsteps echoed, but they led away from the cell. Had he finally had enough of me?
Minutes later, his footsteps returned until I found his feet right next to my head. I peered up at him. In his hand, he held a phone.
“If I give this to you, you are only going to call him and you are to watch what you say. Understood?”
I nodded. He was going to let me. Let me speak to James. My heart tightened.
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Yes, I understand.”
“Do you know his number?”
I could never forget it. Branded in my memory because of all the times I’d lost my phone and needed to contact him. He called me a clumsy mare all the time because of it.
“Yes.”
He leant down and placed the phone next to me. Before he could rise, I reached out and snatched his arm, keeping him there. His eyes met mine.
“Thank you.”
“I don’t enjoy seeing you like this. Whatever pain you feel, I feel too. Do you understand?”
I did. I hurt him just as he kept hurting me. Except I hadn’t meant to. I just wanted to understand him and instead, I’d learnt something so terribly dark about my family. About myself.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologising to me.”
He shifted until he sat next to me and took my hand.
“Avery, you did nothing. You weren’t even born yet. I keep telling you this, but you are innocent. You are good. You are the only fucking light I have so don’t you dare turn yourself off. You hear? You’re mine and I won’t let you.”
My heart bled.
“Am I?”
“Yes. You’re mine. Only mine. Now. Forever. Always.”
I wanted so much for it to be true. So fucking much. I couldn’t bear the thought of being anything but his. Completely and irrevocably his.
“Yours,” I whispered.
The relief in his eyes fractured my heart all over again. He leant down and kissed my forehead.
“Good girl.”
Then he got up and left. His footsteps echoed down the hallway. I reached out, picked up the phone and unlocked it. I knew it wasn’t Aiden’s actual phone because I’d held that before. Perhaps he had several.
Who cares.
There was only one reason I needed it. I dialled James’ number. It rang once. Twice. Three times before he picked up.
“Hello?”
My throat felt tight.
“James.”
“Avery? Is that you? Please tell me it’s you?”
I cleared my throat.
“Yes, it’s me.”
“Thank fucking Christ. Do you know how fucking worried I’ve been about you? Fucking hell and when I saw the news today. Your face everywhere and that video. What the fuck happened to you?”
I tried to smile. Always asking too many questions at once and never letting me answer them.
“I’ve missed you too, dickhead.”
“Fuck, it’s so good to hear your voice.”
“It’s been too long.”
“I’m serious, Avery, where the fuck have you been?”
I wanted to tell him everything but I wouldn’t. Not when I had to keep Aiden’s secrets.
“All you need to know is I’m safe and I’m okay.”
“I call bullshit.”
I sighed. I could’ve predicted this.
“James, you trust me, right? So trust that I’m okay. I just needed to hear your voice.”
There was silence for a long minute.
“I don’t believe you. This isn’t like you. Christ, you would never disappear on me without a word. Tell me where you are. Tell me what the fuck happened.”
The anger in his voice took me by surprise. I hadn’t expected him to be angry. Worried, yes, but angry?
“I can’t tell you that.”
“I get your parents are dead and it’s fucking tragic, but you don’t just run away. How could you? Isn’t our friendship worth more than that? Worth more than finding out you’re fucking alive on a viral video?”
Tears welled in my eyes. I thought I had no more left to shed, but I was wrong. Even if I told him the truth, he wouldn’t understand. Aiden left me no choice and I no longer wanted to go back to my life.
James wouldn’t see it that way. He’d want to know why I hadn’t fought harder. How could you fight against someone you wanted, needed so much it burnt? I wanted and needed Aiden despite what he’d done to me.
Yes, he’d ruined my life. Ruined it by showing me the truth and making it impossible for me to believe my family was anything but evil. He’d broken me over and over again. Made me reliant on him. None of it mattered. It was my soul that called to his. I needed and wanted him because he was Aiden, not because of any of the other bullshit surrounding our lives.
Deep down, he knew that.
Deep down, he felt it too.
“I’m sorry, James. I really am. It wasn’t like that. I promise. Please, you have to believe me.”
“Then what was it like? Because to me, it looks like you bailed.”
Too much pain. My body overloaded with it. My mind so overwhelmed. I thought speaking to him would make me feel better, instead, I felt so much worse.
“I’d never bail on you. It’s complicated.”
Footsteps. Aiden stood in the doorway.
“Avery, I need to know where you are.”
“I have to go.”
“Avery—”
“James, please. I’m sorry. I love you, but don’t try and call me back. You won’t get through. I’ll speak to you when I can, but I have to go.”
I hung up. If I spoke to him further, I’d break completely and tell him everything. Aiden came into the room and took the phone off me. He fiddled with it for a moment before looking down at me.
“Are you okay?”
I shook my head, burying my face in my knees again. A moment later, I felt his hand on my shoulder.
“Avery, please don’t shut me out.”
“I…I…I can’t. It hurts too much. All of it. He got angry with me. Said I bailed on him. I just can’t.”
I heard him shift. When I peeked out, he was lying on the floor next to me. He took one of my hands from off my knees and held it in his.
“I’m just going to stay here with you, okay?”
“But—”
“No, Avery. I’m not letting you be alone. If you won’t come out then I’m staying here.”
“You can’t lie on the concrete floor with me.”
“I can and I will continue to until you let me carry you out of here.”
Arguing over it was futile. I saw the determination in his eyes. I shivered. The floor was cold. Just like I remembered from when I was last in here. My body felt freezing all of a sudden. How long had I even been here? Time seemed to have no meaning when I was so lost in my own misery.
“Why?”
He frowned.
“Why what?”
“Why are you insisting on being with me?”
“You’re upset and hurting.”
“Why did you say I was your light earlier? What does that mean?”
He stroked his thumb across my knuckles.
“My world is full of darkness. So much of it. All the things I’ve done and seen. Dark
and twisted. You are full of compassion. You feel for those who’ve been wronged, who hurt. You take that pain and it becomes your own. You’re so fucking innocent and pure. You talk about not deserving things, but you deserve everything. I can’t give you that. I’m not a good person. I’ve hurt you and I’ll keep hurting you. I don’t want to dim your light, but I will because you’re mine and I won’t let you go.”
He was so wrong about that. Aiden had goodness in him, he just couldn’t see it. And pain from him? I’d take that any day over losing him. I’d let him hurt me if it meant I had him. I wanted him. And I wanted him mine too. Just like I was his. Whether that was selfish, stupid or naïve, I didn’t care.
“I won’t let you go either.”
“You sounded like you were ready to earlier.”
A fresh wave of tears hit me. If I said sorry again, he wouldn’t be happy.
“I doubt you’d let me even if I wanted to.”
That made him smile at me. And his smile made my heart flip-flop. How could I desire someone so much even after all the pain and sorrow I’d been through?
“I belong to you, leaving or saying goodbye, it’d be like tearing a piece of me out.”
His eyes flashed with an emotion I didn’t understand.
“Just like you drew yourself ripping out your heart and offering it to me?”
He’d seen it then. How could I explain it?
“I wasn’t in a very good frame of mind when I drew those things.”
“I noticed.”
He squeezed my hand.
“I want to help you. Helping you means I have to turn my back on my family. It meant I have to tear out my feelings, my love for them so I can fight for you.”
I still loved my family on some level, but every time I learnt something new about them, it eroded that love from my heart piece by piece.
“Avery… Will you let me take you to bed?”
How could I continue to make him lie next to me on the cold concrete floor when he looked at me as if I was breaking him inside too?
I nodded. Aiden shifted to his feet before he picked me up off the floor and held me to his chest.
“Fuck, you feel like ice.”
Striding from the room, he kicked the door shut behind us and took me into the bedroom. He pulled back the covers and tucked me in. Then he went to the cupboard and tugged out my warmest set of pyjamas along with a jumper and socks. He tossed them at me.
“Put them on, please.”
He kept his back to me. My body felt stiff, but I managed to peel off my clothes and dress in what he’d given me. I huddled in the covers, shivering.
When he got in bed with me, he wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest. He’d changed, but I’d been too busy dealing with my own clothes to notice.
“How long was I in there for?”
“You cried for two hours. I didn’t hear a peep out of you for another two. And I think we can add on a further hour just now.”
“Five hours? Did you wait outside for me that whole time?”
“Yes.”
“Aiden… why?”
“I had to. What if you saw them again? I can’t listen to you screaming like that.”
I hugged him tighter. He’d stayed to make sure I was okay. How did I remotely deserve that? And here he was trying to get me warm again.
“I didn’t know you cared,” I mumbled into his chest.
“You just haven’t been paying attention.”
He stroked my back, his fingers soothing.
“Are you hungry? You haven’t eaten.”
I was, but he’d done enough for me.
“Yes, but you’ve not eaten either. I don’t want you to have to make me something though.”
“I was thinking of ordering in.”
I pulled away from his chest and looked up at him. Aiden never did takeaways, at least not since I’d been here.
“Really?”
“What do you want?”
I thought about it for a moment.
“Is it so terrible that I want to lie in bed with you and eat pizza?”
He laughed. The rumble of his chest against mine vibrating my insides.
“No, it’s not.”
Aiden ordered in from a local family run pizza place nearby and set up his laptop, putting a film on whilst we ate. It felt like we were doing something normal for once.
He held me whilst we sat up in bed and dotted my nose with tomato sauce at one point. And he licked it off. His face being so close to mine made my blood thunder in my ears. I’d never wanted to kiss someone so much in my life. I wanted his lips on mine, to taste him and have him take me under.
Those urges didn’t go away, even after the film was done and I curled up by his side, my arm wrapped around his waist. I wasn’t sure if I could fall asleep, but the exhaustion of the day caught up with me and I drifted off.
The very next thing I knew, I was screaming and Aiden was holding me so tightly I couldn’t breathe.
Chapter Eighteen
Aiden
Bliss. I felt blissfully free from the nightmares and terror I usually felt when I fell asleep. Except my bliss was being disturbed. Something kept whacking against my chest. Was I still dreaming or was I awake?
The piercing sound of terror rang in my ears. My eyes flew open. It was still dark and it disorientated me. Something hit my chest again. Then it registered.
Avery.
The sound was coming from her. It was her hand flailing and hitting me in the chest. Was she awake? No. Her eyes were closed.
Fuck. She’s having a nightmare.
I reached out, capturing her up and tugging her against my chest to stop her moving.
“Shh, shh, I’ve got you. I’m here.”
She shifted in my grasp. I held her tighter. Her screaming was muffled by my chest, but it was still haunting.
“Avery, you need to wake up.”
Nothing. Whatever she was dreaming about, she was stuck. Her t-shirt was drenched in sweat.
“Avery,” I said louder. “Wake up. It’s just a dream. I’m here. I’ve got you.”
I shook her. Fuck. I needed her awake so she’d stop screaming. I wanted to help her. Make her feel better. Fuck. Knowing she was suffering tore at me.
“Please, fuck, please wake up.”
The screaming abruptly stopped. She wriggled against me. I released my hold on her slightly. She took a few deep, gulping gasps. I looked down at her. Her eyes were open, terror evident in them.
“Avery….?”
She let out a rasping sob and buried her face in my chest.
“Shh, I’ve got you.”
“Aiden,” she whimpered. “There was so much blood.”
I stroked her hair. It stuck to her neck. Fuck. Sweat everywhere, seeping into my clothes too. I needed to get her in the shower.
“It’s okay. It wasn’t real. Just a dream.”
“It felt real.”
“I’m here. We’re real. It’s okay.”
I kicked the twisted up covers off us. I tried to shift away, but she held on tighter.
“I’m not going anywhere. You’re covered in sweat. Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?”
She nodded. I got off the bed and picked her up. Carrying her into the bathroom through the dark flat, I set her down. She clung to me. I reached into the shower and flipped it on.
“Avery, you need to let go.”
She shook her head. Fuck it. She was clearly too affected by the dream. I guided her into the shower with me, not stopping to strip our clothes off.
The water cascaded down both of us. I held her for the longest time until her sobbing abated. Our clothes were drenched. Nothing mattered but her.
She pulled away and looked up at me. Doe eyes. Fuck. She looked so innocent. So lost. How could I ever look away from her? She was like the fucking sun to me. We’d been through so fucking much together in the
space of a month.
I reached up, cupping her face with both my hands. I ran one thumb over her bottom lip, which trembled under my touch.
Fuck. I wanted her. I needed her. Why did I keep holding back? What was really stopping me? Avery wasn’t like anyone else. She was unique and so fucking perfect. Her eyes set my fucking world on fire and her touch. Fuck, her touch. Skin so soft and delicate. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t stop all these feelings. All these emotions. My fucking heart bled. And nothing could save me but her.
I leant down towards her, mesmerised by her doe eyes and her slightly parted lips. Lips I wanted to taste. Water streamed down both our faces, but all I could see was her. Our breath mingled for a moment, so fucking close.
Then I kissed her.
Soft. Gentle. Tender.
Her lips made me drunk. She tasted so sweet. So fucking innocent. I couldn’t tear myself away even if I wanted to. Her hand fisted in my t-shirt, tugging me closer.
Fuck. She felt so good. Fuck. This felt so right.
I pressed my mouth harder against hers, needing more. Her other hand snaked up around my neck, anchoring me to her. Her lips parted, allowing me deeper. Fuck. She was like fire. As soon as my tongue met hers, our kiss became ever more heated.
We ground into each other.
We drowned in each other.
Fuck.
I couldn’t fucking hold back.
I needed more.
I needed everything.
My hands ran down her back, tugging her against me. I could feel her nipples pebbled on my chest through our clothes. I wanted to touch her. I needed to see her. Fuck. I needed her skin on mine. All these fucking barriers. I was done with them.
I couldn’t stop kissing her. Her mouth was the sweetest damn thing I ever tasted. Her fingers dug into my neck. The need to be as close as possible overrode my senses. I had to have her. Now. Right fucking now.
My hands went to the bottom of her t-shirt. Releasing her mouth, I peeled it off her. Her eyes were wild with fucking desire. And her tits. Fuck. They were perfect. Her hard nipples were stark against her skin, just fucking begging me to taste them.
I leant down, capturing one in my mouth whilst I cupped her other breast, running my thumb over the nub. She moaned, arching into me. The sound of her only heightened my need. Fuck. My teeth grazed over her nipple before I bit down. She bucked, gripping my shoulders.
