by Sarah Bailey
“I know, you’ve been so brave. So fucking brave. You’re going to be okay. We’ll be okay. They’re gone now. They can’t hurt you any more. They’ve paid for what they’ve done.”
I trembled, trying not to remember the look in Tristan’s eyes when he realised I’d stabbed him in the neck with a knife.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he whispered, kissing my forehead. “I’ve got you.”
Tears leaked out of my eyes. The despair I felt sunk into my bones. How could I have ever been capable of taking another person’s life away? How?
“Aiden,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you. I should’ve. I never would’ve done that if I’d just stayed. I’m sorry.”
“Princess, please don’t apologise. It’s not your fault.”
“It is. It is. I killed him. I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. I wanted him to stop.”
“Shh, shh, I know, princess, I know. Shh. It’s okay. You had no choice. Just let it out, okay? I’m here. I’ll help you get through this. I will, I promise. I’ll make it okay.”
I shook my head, sobbing into his chest. Nothing about this was okay. Nothing at all. My soul fractured in half. I wasn’t sure how to live with myself.
“How?”
“By loving you every single day and reminding you of how strong you are. How brave you’ve been. How much good is in you. You survived and you’ll keep on surviving. It’ll be okay because we’re going to make sure the rest of them pay. We’re going to rescue all those girls and we’ll make sure no one hurts them again. That’s how.”
I wrapped my arms around Aiden’s neck and buried my face in his shoulder.
I just hoped he was right because if he wasn’t, then I’d die inside a little more every day.
I didn’t want to be a broken girl.
And a small part of me realised that perhaps after this, I’d never be able to put myself back together ever again.
Chapter Twelve
Aiden
“Further details have been released regarding the ongoing investigation into the deaths of Frazier Shaw of Shaw Associates and his son, Tristan. The two were found by their housekeeper in what appeared to be a violent altercation. Frazier Shaw was found strangled to death with a gunshot wound to the head. Tristan Shaw died from massive blood loss due to a severed carotid artery. Police are appealing for witnesses…”
I looked over at Avery who was sat in the armchair staring at the window. She’d been this way for two weeks and I had no fucking clue what to do to get through to her.
“Police have raided the offices of Shaw Associates. They have declined to comment on what they were looking for, stating the investigation is ongoing…”
Avery told me exactly what she put on the memory stick she made me leave on Frazier’s body when we lay in bed together that night. I’d made sure to wipe it down so her fingerprints didn’t remain. I’d stayed up with her all night. Listened to her sob and tell me every single detail of what happened between her and Tristan. A part of me fucking died inside knowing what she went through whilst I dealt with Frazier.
“Princess, do you want some tea?” I asked.
She nodded but didn’t look back at me. I hauled myself off the sofa, turned the TV off and went into the kitchen, flipping on the kettle.
Avery hadn’t gone to work. She told them she had flu, which gave her a few days breathing space. When the news of the Shaws’ deaths broke, she’d had Chuck on the phone demanding answers. She told him she was taking a few weeks leave and she’d talk to him about it upon her return. He wasn’t happy about it. The whole thing had caused a ripple effect across their community. We had no choice, but until I got her to come back to me, dealing with the consequences of our actions could wait.
Avery refused to talk to me. She nodded and shook her head at me when I asked her if she wanted things, but that was it. It was like the light inside her died.
To the outside world, Avery was a girl in mourning over her fiancé dying, but here, in this flat, she was slowly deteriorating because she’d killed him. I’d tried everything to get her to come back to me. I held her when she cried. I fed her, bathed her and tried to get her to talk. No matter what I did, she just sat there staring out the window, barely acknowledging I was there. It fucking killed me to see her like this.
My phone rang. Digging it out my pocket, I answered it.
“Tina.”
“Aiden, how are things? Is she still the same?”
“If by the same you mean she won’t talk to me or move from the chair, then yes.”
I hadn’t told Tina what happened but she put two and two together when she saw the news.
“I’m sorry. This is hard on both of you.”
Having Frazier’s death on my conscience didn’t bother me much, but it did bother me that my wife was suffering over that little shit’s death. It should’ve been me. I should’ve saved her from having to take his life. There was nothing either of us could do about it now.
“I don’t know how to get through to her. It’s breaking my fucking heart seeing her like this.”
“Are you sure you’ve tried everything?”
I frowned. What else could I possibly do?
“I think you know deep down what she needs, Aiden.”
“I don’t follow.”
“You and her have never had an orthodox relationship, have you?”
I wondered for a moment how the fuck Tina knew that, but then again, she knew me. Knew my issues surrounding control. Did she suspect it had bled into my personal life? She must know. Fuck. The last thing I needed was her prying into the intimate details of my relationship with Avery, but who else did I have to talk to about this? The only people who knew anything about what really happened that night were her and John. And I certainly wasn’t about to discuss this shit with him.
“No, we don’t.”
“I don’t think kind and caring is working for either of you.”
“So what, I should just be a dick to her all over again?”
“I didn’t say that. I’m going to make a huge assumption here, but from watching you two, it’s clear who is in control and I’m relatively sure she’s on board with that.”
Fucking hell. Was Tina actually suggesting I made my wife submit to me when she was clearly in emotional pain? I wanted to put my head in my hands. Her assumption was correct, but it didn’t make it right. Not when she was like this.
“Have you been listening to the therapist bullshit from Sophie and Cora?”
She sighed.
“No, Aiden, I’m trying to help. Sometimes you need to try a different approach to get someone to snap out of it. She can’t just sit there mute and numb for the rest of her life and she can’t talk to a therapist considering what happened. You’re the only one who can help her.”
She wasn’t even talking to her friends. Not that either of them knew what had gone down that night. James called me daily to check on her. I could hear the agony in his voice every time I told him there was no change.
“I can’t do that to her.”
“You mean you won’t.”
“Do you even know what you’re asking me to do?”
“I don’t need to know. Do what you need to do to snap her out of it. Give her what she needs.”
I just couldn’t. No matter how much I missed her, forcing her to submit wasn’t right. She had to want that from me. How would I know if she was really consenting to it if she wasn’t fucking talking to me?
“I have to go.”
“Aiden…”
“Just drop it, Tina.”
I hung up. I didn’t need a lecture from her. What I needed was to take care of my wife. That meant making sure she was well fed and had enough to drink. I wasn’t going to allow her to starve herself.
I made her tea and brought it to her. Kneeling at her feet, I put the mug in her hands. She held it to her
chest.
“Princess, will you talk to me?”
Nothing.
“Avery, please.”
Silence.
I put my hand on her knee, giving it a squeeze.
“I know you’re hurting but you can’t keep shutting me out. You have to let me help you. I made you a promise that we would get through this together.”
She kept staring at the window, holding the mug and completely ignoring me.
“Avery, this has to stop. I can’t keep begging you to speak to me.”
I dropped my hand from her knee. Even after her parents died and she got taken by Rick, she was never like this. Never just numb to everything and everyone around her. She’d cried and raged at the world. She didn’t retreat and completely cut herself off. She was a fighter. This wasn’t her. This wasn’t the girl I knew. The girl I loved.
“Princess, please. I love you. I need you to come back to me.”
I stood up when she didn’t move and walked away unable to face seeing her like that for one more moment. I had no idea what the fuck it would take to get her to just say something. My heart shattered every time I had to watch her blank expression. I missed her so much. The way she smiled when I teased her. Her infectious laugh. Those doe eyes which held so much love and affection. Fuck.
All I wanted was my Avery back.
And I had no fucking clue how to achieve that.
~~~
Two days later, there was no change and I was desperate enough to contemplate doing what Tina had alluded to. I’d lain in bed last night alone wondering if she’d look at me with those doe eyes of hers full of love and affection ever again. I’d reached breaking point. I couldn’t take it any longer. She stayed on that fucking armchair all night. I was done watching her deteriorate further.
Striding into the living room, I stopped a few feet away from her. I took a deep breath. This was about fixing her and I was fucking determined to do that no matter what it took.
“Look at me.”
She stared out the window.
“Avery, I’m only going to say this one more time. Look at me.”
Nothing. I wasn’t sure what I expected.
“Don’t make me repeat myself. You know what happens when you disobey me.”
She stiffened at my words. The first sign she’d actually been listening.
“Look. At. Me.”
Very, very slowly, she turned her head towards me, doe eyes wide as she met mine.
“Good girl.”
She didn’t speak, but I could see a tiny spark of recognition in her eyes. Was this working? Was Tina right? Fuck. Who knew. I had to keep going now she’d actually responded. I had to try.
“Get off that chair and kneel at my feet.”
It took her several seconds to comply. She slid off the armchair, the blanket falling to the floor and knelt in front of me. I almost fucking died. My girl. My wife. She was finally fucking there. Finally present.
“What do I want?”
My words reminded me of that day in the forest. The first day I had my cock in her mouth. The day which changed everything between us.
“My submission,” she whispered.
My heart cracked wide open and bled. She sounded so fucking broken. It was the first thing she’d said to me in over a week.
“Good girl.”
The spark in her eye remained. I had to keep this up even though all I wanted was to hold her in my arms and kiss her. Tell her it was going to be okay.
“You’re going to do everything I tell you without hesitation. Can you tell me why that is?”
“I’m yours.”
“That’s right. Mine.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, her expression betraying just how much she savoured my voice. Like it was her lifeline. Fuck. I didn’t want Tina to be right, but maybe she was. Maybe I’d just been too fucking stubborn to see it.
“Stand up and come with me.”
She did as I asked, opening her eyes and raising herself to her feet. I wasn’t going to do things for her any longer. She had to remember how to do them for herself.
I walked out of the room, down the hallway and into the bathroom. She hadn’t had a wash in days. I pointed at the shower.
“Strip, get in and wash yourself thoroughly. I want you clean for me.”
She took off her clothes, watching me the whole time. Seeking my approval that she was doing this right. That she was obeying me.
I tried not to stare at her naked body. It made mine ache with longing. I missed her skin on mine. Her curves pressing against me as we slept. How she’d lay there, wide open and begging me to take her. I wanted that Avery back. I wanted my wife.
“You’re taking too long. Get in the shower.”
She flipped it on and walked in, shivering under the stream of water. Reaching for the shampoo, she lathered up her beautiful dark locks. I sat on the edge of the bath and watched her, making sure she did as I told her to. She kept glancing my way as if checking I was still there. I wasn’t about to leave her alone now she was beginning to come back to me.
When she was done, she turned the shower off and stepped out. Water droplets scattered across her pale skin. Fuck. Avery was such a goddess to me. So beautiful.
“Pick up that towel and wrap it around you, then you’re coming into the bedroom and drying your hair. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
She picked up one of the towels from the rack, dried herself so she was no longer dripping and wrapped it around her slim frame. I’d been making sure she ate so she hadn’t lost any weight. I doubt she would’ve taken care of herself without me.
She followed me into the bedroom and sat in front of the mirror with her hairdryer and brush. She methodically dried her hair. I sat on the bed, waiting patiently until she was finished. She set her brush down and turned to look at me.
“Come here.”
She stood up, placed the towel over the mirror and walked over before dropping to her knees in front of me.
“You’ve been a good girl for me so far, princess.”
Her eyes tracked my hand as I reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. She leant into my touch.
“Do you want me to touch you?” I asked her.
Her doe eyes met mine.
“Yes, please,” she whispered.
I retracted my hand. I watched her expression. Her eyes burnt with longing.
“You have to earn that. Show me how much you want it.”
She hesitated, looking up at me with wide eyes. Fuck. I really didn’t want to push her, but she needed to snap out of this shit. This was the only thing which had worked so far. I’d got her to do things for herself and talk to me. It was progress even if this felt painfully slow.
I leant my arms back on the bed, waiting to see what she’d do. Whether she’d cave in on herself or fight her way back to who she really was deep inside.
“You’re testing my patience, Avery. Earn my touch. Do you want to go back to the chair in the living room and forget we’re husband and wife? Forget you belong to me and that you should obey me. Because you can. If that’s what you really want, you can go back there and hide away again. But if you want this, if you truly want me, you’ll stay here and prove it to me. You’ll come back to me so I can help you through this. So we can move past this.”
My words seemed to cut through whatever it was holding her back. She reached out, her hands running up my thighs as she crawled between my legs. Her hands moved higher before her fingers found their way to the bottom of my t-shirt. I let her pull it off me. Her fingers trailed down my chest, causing me to stifle a groan. Fuck me. Having her touch me was wonderfully torturous after two and a half weeks of her indifference.
She unbuckled my belt, unzipping my fly and tugged at my jeans. I moved to allow her to take them off. She tentatively reached out and ran her hand across my cock. I couldn’t hold back a groan then. Perhaps
it spurred her on because she insisted on removing my boxers without preamble and wrapped her hand around my cock.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, looking up at me with those fucking beautiful hazel doe eyes of hers. “You’ve put up with so much from me.”
Without letting me respond, she circled the head of my cock with her tongue. Fuck. Avery was the sweetest damn fucking girl in the world. Her mouth was heaven as she wrapped it around me.
“That’s it, princess,” I grunted. “Fuck.”
I shifted off my hands, curling one into her hair and holding the back of her neck. I needed to touch her. I gently massaged my fingers into her scalp. She needed to set the pace. I wasn’t going to force anything on her.
Her fingers dug into my thigh as she bobbed up and down, setting a slow, drawn out pace. Neither of us were in a hurry. I certainly didn’t want to blow my load too fast down her throat. No, I wanted to savour every moment because I was fucking terrified she’d retreat into herself again.
Pulling away, she stared up at me.
“Aiden, please touch me.”
She looked so fucking lost. I couldn’t deny her it any longer. I put my hand out to her.
“Come here then.”
I shifted back slightly and she crawled into my lap. I held her to my chest and stroked her back. She rested her head on my shoulder, letting out a soft sigh as she curled her hands around my sides.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.
“I don’t know how you deal with it.”
How I dealt with having killed people? There wasn’t a simple answer to that. I never started out wanting to end anyone’s life. In many ways, it was revenge and a skewed sense of justice which drove me. Not to say it didn’t weigh on me. I didn’t enjoy killing. It wasn’t some kind of sport to me. The only real satisfaction it gave me was knowing they couldn’t hurt anyone any more.
“I don’t have an easy answer for you. I never wanted it to be on your conscience. Your reaction is perfectly normal. You should feel remorse, normal people do. I’m not normal nor do I pretend to be. You don’t want to be like this, trust me.”
“I thought if I could stop feeling it would make it easier, but it’s worse. I keep remembering his face and all the blood.”
