Shutter: The Complete Series

by S. E. Dosher

  “No!” I finally say, a little too loudly, drawing looks from those closest to us. I jerk my hand free from him and wipe rapidly at my face to clear the evidence of my bitter hurt. “No, Niko. It can’t be fixed that easily. Even if you are sorry and I forgive you, I’m not ready to forgive myself. We’re here because of me.”

  “Brook, no, that doesn’t matter; none of that matters now.” He takes a step toward me, but I quickly take two back, moving more into the open expanse of the club.

  “Yes, it does!” I have to shout now that we aren’t shielded from the hammering music by the staircase. “I can’t be with you…or anyone, until I’m ready to move past all the lies I told and everyone I hurt. You shouldn’t forgive me. How can you just pretend nothing happened, that I did nothing to you?” The tears are back and more forceful than before, they refuse to be pushed away this time.

  “I’m not pretending, what you did may not have been right, but I knew it would be part of my life when I took this path.”

  “You don’t know, you haven’t seen.”

  “Brook.” He says my name like I’m a small child shedding a tear over the ladybug that just got smashed under my shoe – as if I’m nothing but simple and confused, but I’m neither of those things. “I do know. You can deny I knew for a long time, but it doesn’t change the fact I did. I knew for months you were there, I could feel when you were and when you weren’t – just like I could feel your presence here tonight – but none of it changes the fact I don’t care what you did. I’m past it, over it. You need to be, too. Nothing you did hurt me near as much as what I did to you. We both need you to forgive us, and I can promise I’m not going to leave you alone until you do, until you admit we belong together.”

  With that, he sidesteps me and begins to walk away, but before he’s taken three steps he turns back. “Go home; don’t stay with Stephen. If you do, I’ll lose you to him. I know he wants you, and you have a history. Go home; I’ll leave you alone for now, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chapter 4

  My face is pressed against the cool window, letting the warmth dissipate as I watch the stars shine brightly in the distance. The skin on my face feels tight from the saltiness of my tears, and I can only imagine how I look with dark rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. My mind is still sorting through my conversation with Niko, and how carefree he can be about our situation. In his mind I don’t suppose we actually have a situation – all that’s standing in the way of our happily-ever-after is my guilt. Me. I’m standing in the way.

  “Ms. Beckham,” I hear the driver’s voice break through my thoughts. “We’re here.”

  Looking up I see Stephen’s expansive house before me, and for a second I’m bewildered. I hadn’t realized he was bringing me here. Before Niko’s words asking me not to come here, I’m positive I would have, but now I can’t stop his request from pinging around my brain.

  “Ma’am,” the driver says as he stands with my door open waiting for me to exit his car.

  “Oh, yes. I’m sorry.” I offer in way of an apology, but not an explanation of my distracted mind.

  I pull Stephen’s key from my clutch and make my way through the front door, but I don’t make it beyond the foyer before I drop to my knees in flustered tears.

  After Niko walked away from me, Kiki found me. She’d been searching for me everywhere when a security guard finally pointed her in my general direction. I was still standing exactly where Niko had left me with no clue how long he’d been gone. His words were on an endless loop as I tried to pick them apart in search of a hidden agenda or ulterior motive. He couldn’t really feel that way; I knew he couldn’t.

  Kiki whisked me to the VIP section in hopes Stephen was there. Luckily for me he wasn’t and Paul was.

  “You spoke to Niko? About me?” I roared at Paul before he even saw me approaching.

  His head turned so quickly I was afraid it might break lose and fall to the floor. “Yes, I did.” He said it so calmly I felt like stomping on his fancy loafers.

  “What did you say? What did he say? Why didn’t you tell me? You know I’m going to kill you, right?”

  He held his hands up trying to ward off my assault of questions, but I didn’t let him have time to forge a plan – I wanted answers.

  “Tell me now!” I demanded and finally saw the layer of defensiveness fall from his face.

  “Nothing bad, Brook. Here, sit down,” he patted the seat next to him, and my eyes focused on the change in the microfiber seat as his hand glided across it. My mind refused to acknowledge anything else, simply the movement of his hand and the fibers as they shifted from black to dark gray and back again at his touch.

  “Brook?” Paul questioned, trying to draw my attention unsuccessfully. Finally, he stood before me and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but shit, it only happened a couple hours ago. I was going to tell you. I just wasn’t sure if I should, Niko asked me not to. He wanted to speak with you first…although, I didn’t realize he planned to do it tonight, and here of all places.”

  His strong arms pulled me in so tight all the air in my lungs rushed out sounding like a balloon with a pinhole poked in it.

  “What the fuck happened? Are you okay?” Paul tries to coax a reply from me again, but my eyes are stuck staring at his chest, and before I even try to think of a response, I’m turned around and pulled into arms I know belong to Stephen.

  His smell, the feel of his skin, the way my head fits perfectly just underneath his chin – I know the arms holding me are his. I feel his hand soothe up and down my back like a mother willing a petulant child to calm.

  Time passed slowly as he cocooned me in his arms, and after what felt like no longer than a heartbeat, he pushed me back and held me at arm’s length, “Are you okay?” His eyes searched my face as I notice the frown lines etched along his brow for the first time, and in that moment I saw him for the first time. This man wasn’t “my” Stephen, the Stephen from my past like I longed to believe. This was a whole new Stephen, one I barely knew, but one that still cared for me intensely.

  Was he giving me a second chance, another try at being the Brook I used to be? The me I actually liked, the one that wasn’t guilt ridden and reminded of her awful deceits every time she looked into the dark eyes of a man she cared for. Even if Niko could forgive me for what I’d done, every time he looks at me with longing in his eyes I’d be reminded of the person I’d become and how much I hate her.

  Stephen didn’t ask another word; he simply called for a car and shuffled me into it with a promise of following behind me soon. I don’t know how long ago that was, or what time he will arrive home.

  Instead, I sit two steps inside his home weeping on the marble floor. I’m not even completely sure why I’m crying. Knowing Niko’s feelings have not changed should be a good thing. It gives me the ability to think things through and figure out what I want and who I belong with, but I’m not sure how to do that; how to rewind time and give us a second chance.

  I can see the direction I should go, but I’m not sure who I should choose. Part of my heart belongs to Stephen, but to the Stephen I knew years ago. Another part of my heart yearns for Niko, but that’s the part my guilt ridden conscience wants to forget. The guilt and Niko go hand in hand, forcing me to decide if I can have one without the other.

  As the cold from the marble starts to creep through my clothes and assault my skin, I finally pull myself off the floor and up the stairs to my room…not my room, the room that Stephen has been letting me use. I can’t keep acting like this is my home, it’s not, and I know I shouldn’t even be here now. Tonight I don’t bother hunting down anything to sleep in, I undress myself and let the clothes fall to the floor as I climb into bed pulling the covers over my head.

  Emotional exhausted, I quickly fall into an agitated sleep where flashes of Stephen easily morph into Niko, and then back again. The Stephen from years ago competes with the new Stephen I’m not sure I full
y know. Flickers of Niko with one of his old flings quickly replace those scenes while I watch from the outside as he mutters the same words of endearment he spoke to me. I know I’m dreaming, but I can’t pull myself away, or make the torment stop.

  Then I see Stephen, his blue eyes holding promise of rescue, as he offers me a calming squeeze, running fingers through my hair as it falls softly on my shoulder, and then he leans in to softly “shh” in my ear. His gestures offering the exact level of comfort I need, and I can feel his warm arms holding me tight, protecting me from my inner demons.

  I turn and lazily graze my hand down his soft cheek, relishing in the comfort he offers. His eyes drift closed as he leans into the touch of my hand. Old emotions threaten to boil over at such a simple gesture and show of true affection. My mind wonders what it would feel like to have that type of trusting relationship again, the type I haven’t had since Stephen left me.

  Out of curiosity and a nagging sense of need, I tilt my head up and feel his round lips press softly against mine. In that second I know I’m no longer dreaming, and it was actually Stephen’s body pressed against mine that awoke me, but I don’t care, his touch offers me an anchor to a better version of myself I can’t resist right now.

  My lips willing part as his tongue delicately wraps around mine and his taste heightens my senses. His leg pushes between mine causing his thigh to press against my panties, igniting a flame in my core. I lift my leg and wrap it around his, pulling him even tighter against my body, needing to feel every inch of him. His hand trails up my side and lightly brushes over my breast, and a moan escapes my throat but is quickly swallow by his eager kiss.

  I know I can stop this, and it is the safe action to take. To not continue and take the time I need to decide if following my heart back to Niko is something I can live with, or allowing myself to grow closer to Stephen, and possibly hurting him in the process, is worth the risk of our friendship. At the same time, Stephen is a grown man, and knows the emotions he offers may not be returned by me.

  Deciding to listen to my instincts instead of continuously overthinking every tiny action, I push against his shoulder, forcing him to his back and straddle his hips. The room is dark with the only light filtering from the hallway through a crack in the door. It doesn’t offer enough to see the planes of his face, only an outline.

  I pause once on top of him, and wait for some signal this is what he intended when he climbed into my bed. Answering in perfect time his hands find my breasts and kneed softly as sparks shoot through me converging between my legs. I rock forward and feel his hardness below; the only barriers between us are my panties and his boxers.

  I lean forward slightly, resting my hands on his hard chest and find a slow, methodical rhythm with my hips. With each stroke I can feel him hardening as the pressure against my pussy grows. Each time I rock forward my clit is hit in exactly the right spot and spurs me on; eagerly wanting to find the release I’ve teased myself with for days.

  My head falls back, and a loud moan breaks free, spurring Stephen to lift me from him and roll me to my back with him hovering over me.

  “I saw you,” he says softly and his words remind me of those spoken by Niko when Stephen first came back into my life. “In the hot tub, I came looking for you and saw you. God, you have no idea how much I wanted to join you.”

  I know he can’t see it in the darkness, but I feel my face flush red. He doesn’t wait for a response. His head dips and his lips land perfectly on my nipple causing my back to arch at the sensation. His tongue winds slowly down my torso, stopping occasionally to nip at my flesh and then soothe again with his tongue. His hands press tight against my sides and follow the progress down my body until his fingers loop under my panties pushing them down my legs until they’re gone.

  The air hits my overheated pussy and anticipation shoots through me. Remnants of guilt threaten to break through, but I push them aside before they have a chance to grab hold.

  His touch moves to the inside of my thighs, pressing me to open them wider, and I eagerly obey. His mouth moves to hover over my bare pussy, and his cool breath tingles against my warmth. My hips tilt up, unable to remain still as his tongue breaks through my folds and completes one full lick from my opening up to my clit, circling once. My teeth grit closed, and my rapid inhale makes a high-pitched squeal of satisfaction.

  His hands move to just outside my pussy, the tender spot where my legs join my torso, he lightly kneads as his tongue laps in a steady motion that has me panting for my release.

  “Oh God.” My voice sounds airy and demanding as I ride the wave he is so skillfully giving.

  At my eagerness, his tongue slows and focuses directly on my clit, rubbing small, deliberate circles that have me squirming beneath him. His hands pull on my flesh spreading me even wider, giving him even more access. I shiver as my muscles begin to stiffen preparing for climax. With a loud moan I feel my body hit the peak, and then I slowly descend back to complete relaxation.

  “Well, I think that’s been a long time coming.” Stephen says as he rises from between my legs. “I don’t think you actually got to finish after my interruption last night.”

  “Hush, don’t ruin the moment.” I say through a croak in my throat born both from embarrassment and the lax state of my entire body.

  He laughs lightly and then rolls to lie on the bed next to me. Neither of us speak for several seconds; the only sound my labored breathing as it slowly returns to normal.

  I move to my side and face him. I can barely see the outline of his face, just enough to know he’s looking at the ceiling. I move my head to rest on his stomach and press my lips to his shoulder. My fingertips skim down, bumping over the hard edges of his abs, until I hit the waistband of his boxers. I lift the edge, and just as I begin to slide my finger under, his hand grabs mine pulling it away. He laces our fingers and pulls my hand to his lips.

  “Not tonight, sweetheart. You’ve already given me what I was dying to have, and I there are no expectations for more.”

  “But…” I start to protest that while giving me an amazing orgasm is outstanding, I want to return the favor, but he doesn’t give me the opportunity.

  “Brook, no. I fucking love that you want more, but you aren’t ready for more. I’m not blind; I know you’re torn up about Niko. I haven’t come right out and said it so I will.” He pauses and takes a deep breath then pulls me flush against his side. “I want you to pick me, I want to be the one makes you happy, but I won’t make demands of you, or play on your emotions in order to get it. I’ve already screwed things up with you once, I won’t do it again.”

  “Thank you,” I say softly, and then pause; I’m not sure what to say. “I am conflicted, confused, umm, I don’t really know what I am. I hope you know I do care about you, but I don’t know if I’m ready for more. I still see the Stephen that hurt me when I look at you, and that’s hard for me to forget. I changed after you left, changed into a person I don’t like, so I’m trying to figure out who I am, but every time I look at you I see the weak me that turned into her.”

  “What do you see when you look at Niko?” He asked, his voice flat and unemotional.

  “I see her, the worst parts of her. The part that hurt everyone around her and compromised her values in search of something to make her happy…I see weakness. I don’t know if I can forgive her…forgive me, for the things I did and everyone I hurt.” My voice wavers and his arm tightens around me in response.

  “Then don’t forgive her. Accept everything she did and learn from it; grow into a better “you” because of it. Do I agree with everything you did? No, but you did it for the right reasons. You did it to try and find yourself after you became lost. It tears me up to know I’m the reason you were so lost.”

  “I don’t want to be lost again, but that’s how I feel. I’m jumping between one extreme to the next in my head, trying to cope with everything I’ve done – years’ worth of shit – but I can’t come to a conclusion that fe
els right inside; when I filter through all the guilt I can’t find a solution.”

  “Because there’s nothing to solve, no solution. You are who you are; don’t be ashamed of that. You are gorgeous, talented, loyal, and kind. The parts of you that contradict that were created out of necessity and aren’t real. You don’t owe anyone anything except for yourself. Give yourself a break, and be honest about what it is you need in your life.”

  I pat my fingertips under his chin, “When did you get so smart?” I tease.

  “Through fuckups comes great wisdom, and I’ve become very wise over the years.” The bed shakes slightly from our laughs then we both fall silent again. “Brook, no matter who you chose, or what decisions you make for the rest of your life, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere again. I love you, and I’ll take whatever part of yourself you’re willing to give.”

  I don’t reply; enough has been said between us. Now I just have to follow my heart wherever it wants to lead.

  Chapter 5

  I wake to an empty bed and the sound of buzzing. My memory is clear that I fell asleep with Stephen’s arms around me, my head resting semi-comfortably on his chest. The buzzing starts again forcing me to search for my phone.

  I’m still completely naked, and don’t have a clue where my panties are. My phone is on the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed. As I lean over to try and reach it I see a note resting on the pillow Stephen used last night. Unfolding it, I see his scribbles:

  Sweetheart, gone to work, call you later. Driver brought your car back

  Short and to the point, but it still makes me smile because he called me sweetheart, an endearment I haven’t heard from him in years. My phone buzzes again, and I finally stretch over the pillows to find it.