So then there’s them pills. I mean they tasted OK so I just took them without even thinking about it. No big deal. Don’t even know if I felt any different it was such a long time ago – but people got off my back left me alone more – I remember that. I weren’t in trouble so much. I had less energy to piss about which everyone seemed pleased by. It was like being a bit sleepy all the time just kind of calmer. The buzz that sets you off with ideas for bad shit to do – you know ideas for stuff that no one’s expecting just naughty funny wild stuff fun stuff – that buzzy voice went quiet which was sort of a shame but at least people got off my case. It felt OK to kind of daydream through lessons instead of just being so bored I had to act up and go into one. Blaze was the same.
Back then they was only giving it to the really bad kids. It was more recent they switched to Concentr8 and started giving it out left right and centre. They swapped me over and said there’d be less side-effects – which is kind of weird since nobody ever said anything about side effects before turning up one day and telling me I’d have less of them if I changed – but I mean everyone else was taking it so didn’t feel like nothing to just switch over. I mean it was medicine. Since when is medicine bad for you? That’s like saying here’s some food that’ll make you hungry. I took it everyone took it – didn’t even cross my mind to say no.
Then when the policy changed and suddenly there weren’t no more Concentr8 to go round and it all just stopped – that was weird man. I didn’t think about it then but if I go back to the week the pills ended it was like plugging into something – like waking up when you didn’t even know you was asleep – things popping brighter clearer – normal but not normal just kind of different you know? I couldn’t even tell if that was things going back to how they were before – cause I been on it so long I can’t remember what before was like. I was just a kid then so how am I supposed to know?
There was kind of a new energy – and I didn’t know it was going to turn into the riots or anything – but I could feel something was up. We was all coming off this drug – but the vibe was more like suddenly everyone was on something. The people who make them pills know what they’re doing cause I could feel the badness in me waking up – coming out of hibernation like it had been asleep for years – this wild dog inside me and it was twitching and moving again – almost scary but actually it felt good man real good. Like you’re walking and walking and it’s all you ever done then suddenly you think what if I run – I haven’t done that for ages – and suddenly you’re running and it’s been so long you’ve forgotten what it feels like but when those legs start moving fast and your blood starts pumping you just never want to walk again – you want to run and run.
There’s good dogs who are fat and sleepy and loll about all day – then there’s bad dogs who howl and bite and chase – and that’s who I am – it’s in my bones or something – and when the bad dog in me wakes up again I just know it’s me coming back – and even though crazy things are going to happen it’s awesome it’s sweet it’s a door opening to I don’t know what – I just know I got to go in and find out.
We was getting wilder cause we was angry they’d taken away the Concentr8 – but this is weeks ago man and I can see now I didn’t get the point – cause it’s only now reading that story on my phone that I realise what was making us angry was just that we was waking up again.
I didn’t know it when the boxes of Concentr8 came into the warehouse delivered with our order of Nando’s. Everyone piled in on the stuff and we all took it and there was like a massive party cause this is what we’d been fighting for and it was like we’d won. Taking them pills that was our victory and we was well happy – it was cool. And when everyone kind of chilled out and the atmosphere went down I just thought that’s normal I mean you win and you party and then you chill that’s the natural pattern.
Except now the whole place feels different – kind of slow and heavy like one minute anything’s possible then suddenly just getting out of a chair feels like too much effort you know? You can feel the downer in the air cause there’s doubts creeping in. Nobody says anything but it’s in the air without words or nothing. We all know – Femi does – Karen does – I reckon even Lee and he’s slow man well slow – we all know where this is going.
After getting them pills there’s no victory we can look for – nothing else to aim at – just killing time until they come in and get us. Only question is how long we can hold out before reality bursts in and we got to face the consequences of what we done – cause this ain’t no little thing – they’re going to come down hard man hard. We rode the line right to the end now – can’t go no further than this.
Everyone got a future – some more than others maybe – I never think about it usually cause what’s the point it’s just depressing – but right now it’s like there’s a brick wall right in front of us and you don’t want to see what’s over it – you don’t want to look or even think about it – you just got to keep on running knowing that any minute it’s going to slam into you. There’s a world of pain over that wall but there ain’t no turning round – we just got to keep on running towards it and through it and out the other side. This is the finish man – the end of everything I known. I mean there ain’t much I’m leaving behind – can’t think of nothing – but what’s next has to be worse don’t it? There ain’t going to be no mercy nothing – just vengeance. They hate us more than anything and now they can do something about it. We’re going to be the poster boys for all the badness across the whole city – everything it’s all going to come down on us. We’re the famous ones now – not all them hundreds of others out on the streets nicking stuff – so it’s going to be us pays the price for what they done – even though we ain’t nicked nothing. All the revenge what’s been held in – building up – it’s going to flare out and it’s got to strike somewhere and it’s going to be on us.
To the feds we’re like a massive box of chocolates now – and they’re just drooling waiting to tuck into us and have a feast man – a feast they always wanted.
We nicked a box once years ago – me and Blaze – really posh ones with a purple ribbon round them and everything – ate the whole lot in one go hiding behind some bins – split them fifty-fifty it was amazing. Each one in its own little plastic hole the exact right size – every one a different shape a different taste – hard ones soft ones gooey ones fruity ones the works. Sheet of puffy paper between the layers to keep them all comfy and perfect. After they was all gone we found a leaflet with little pictures saying what was in each one – couldn’t read half of it but kept it anyway in my pocket for like a week or something – took it out looked at the pictures again and again till I lost it.
Ain’t good to look back neither – even happy things like that makes you sad remembering them – don’t know why.
That news story I only show it to Blaze. The others is always doing stuff on their phones so they must have seen some version of it – cause it’s everywhere – but they don’t seem that bothered. They don’t get it. Blaze I don’t know what he seen cause he’s up in the office most of the time with Karen it’s just unbelievable how much they’re at it – on and on like rabbits – I mean I don’t know nothing about rabbits ain’t never even seen one but that’s what they say ain’t it? For when you can’t get enough?
I can’t get enough neither – but in the other sense as in like I can’t get none. I ain’t got the chat ain’t got the looks ain’t got no money nothing. Whatever else goes bad for Blaze at least he got that. If I had that don’t reckon any of the rest of it would bother me – but I’ll get my chance eventually it’s got to happen someday and I’m telling you I’ll be ready – I’ll treat my woman good so good she’ll keep me forever. Maybe not ever but you know a long time.
You’d think Blaze would be interested in what’s going on out there – what they’re saying about us – but the thing about Blaze the most important thing is he never cares what nobody says about him or thinks.<
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When he comes down with that sleepy just-done-it smile on his face I show him my phone and he don’t say nothing – but he reads it twice slowly – not as slow as me but careful – stopping to figure every word – and I can see on his face he gets it straight away – and he knows it changes everything just like I do.
He looks at me but he still don’t speak – just goes off on his own for a while and Karen tries to go with him but he shrugs her off and she stares at me all pissed off like she thinks it’s my fault – like it’s something to do with me and her – something personal like bitchy gossip or something – she’s such a dick don’t understand nothing.
He comes back just quietly slips in again – and we’re all cotching like normal but I sense that he’s made a decision and when the time’s right he’s going to say something – and I know that when he does everyone except me is going to be all what the fuck?!
But he don’t say nothing – not at first. Then after lunch when everyone takes a pill I watch him and I can see he knows I’m watching and when the packet comes to him he just passes it on. Don’t take one. He does it real quiet so nobody says anything or even notices but I don’t take my eyes off him for a second and I know he skips it. He don’t look at me for a few seconds – maybe five or six it’s weird I’m counting them off in my head don’t know why – then when he does he clocks me looking at him and he knows I’ve noticed. I give him a nod and he knows what I mean. Me too I’m saying and just by the way he blinks slow and heavy I can see that he’s with me – that neither of us is going to take that stuff again.
Like I said he’s blood – half the time we don’t even need to speak we can talk without words. Best way too cause words ain’t my thing don’t come natural to me never have. Can’t get out my mouth what’s in my head. I ain’t thick not like Lee – just cause you can’t talk good don’t mean you’re thick. Lee’s different I mean he’s proper slow – you can tell by how his mouth hangs half open like a dog. I swear to God you stick a pin in Lee’s head it’d just go pop – ain’t nothing in there except a cloud of puff.
They think they got us surrounded but they ain’t. Can’t go out the way we got in cause that’s where the feds is – but Matchstick knows a way jigging through a hole in the wall from this warehouse into another one then down some alleys or something to a hole in the railway fence. He goes out every day – gets us stuff we need – buys it nicks it whatever. Just him and Blaze know the way. If the others knew they might run for it so it’s kind of a secret. Me I don’t even care cause I ain’t going nowhere.
Their mum will be mad angry cause she’s given up on Blaze but she still got hopes for Matchstick – he’s a good kid and he’s smart but he thinks Blaze is God so basically she don’t stand a chance – which drives her mental. Matchstick tangled up in what’s going on out here – that’ll send her ballistic I swear. Blaze is her own son but if she weren’t afraid of him I reckon she’d want to kill him sometimes – as in literally kill him. Nicking and robbing’s bad enough but this is a whole other level and Matchstick’s just a kid – it ain’t right for him to be involved – but he is now so that’s that. Same for all of us. Happened so fast I feel like nobody actually chose to do it except Blaze but there’s no way back now.
He don’t say much Matchstick – same as his brother – but he’s quick and he can climb anything like he got spider feet so ain’t nothing can stop him going nowhere least of all his mum. He’s going to be a serious rascal when he’s big but for now he’s our messenger – our eyes and ears a kind of human periscope – which is what they use to see out of submarines. I’m telling you I ain’t thick I watch history channels and I don’t forget nothing. I got tons of shit in my head you wouldn’t believe was in there but it is.
It’s like Matchstick is invisible the way he can float in and out of places without anyone noticing and it ain’t just cause he’s small. It’s a state of mind – like a Zen thing – like he can do something that just makes people look through him. I tell him to get us a newspaper – a proper one old school on paper – the one that started the story. I give him the money for it and everything. I know he could nick one no trouble but it don’t seem worth the risk – not today – cause I need that paper I need him to come back with the paper. I can’t trust the hostage with my phone. He could call someone. He could threaten to smash it. I don’t trust nobody with my phone to be honest but I want him to see the story – tell me what he knows – explain it and stuff. Ain’t like he’ll say no is it? Ain’t like he got something better to do.
So when Matchstick gets back I go straight in with some food and the newspaper. He reads it with his eyes dancing back and forward over the page almost gulping down the words like he’s as hungry for that as he is for food. Makes me feel sorry for him almost. It’s a glimpse through the front the I ain’t scared act. He never lets me see he’s afraid or desperate – at least he tries to hide it – and he’s almost good enough for it to be convincing. But watching him read I feel like I can see behind the act. I suppose it’s the first time I ever been in with him when he’s been doing anything other than looking up at me – bricking it – wondering what I’m going to do to him.
His face ain’t doing nothing – he don’t look happy or sad or anything else that you could put a word to – but while he’s looking down reading the paper I feel like I can see for the first time who he is and how much he wants to get home. He ain’t only the guy tied to the radiator – he’s a person with a life before he got here and a life after we let him go and this is just like an episode for him. But he don’t know that – not for sure. He thinks it might be the end. He don’t know me he don’t know Blaze he don’t know what we want – for all he can tell we’re proper killers. We dragged him here and tied him up. He got no idea what we’ll do next – we got no idea what we’ll do next – but the difference is he don’t know what our limits are. He don’t know if he’ll even get out alive. I could tell him I suppose but it don’t feel right – I mean Blaze is in charge it just ain’t my place. And even though I get Blaze better than anyone – these last few days I been wondering how much I really know – I mean do I really got any idea where he’ll stop? I always thought I did but now I ain’t sure.
You know anything about this? I say when he looks up from the paper.
No! It’s not my department! I’ve got nothing to do with it!
I ain’t threatening you. I’m just asking. You reckon it’s true?
I can see his brain whirring trying to figure what’s safest to say.
Just tell me the truth. I’m asking your opinion ain’t nothing else.
Why?
Cause you work there. You know stuff.
Not much.
More than I know.
Why do you care what I think? he says almost angrily. It’s cornered dogs what bite – I mean I know he can’t do anything all tied up but I can see he’s panicking like he could flip – and when you flip you’ll do crazy shit.
I sit down so I’m on the same level as him – close but not too close. Don’t want him lashing out or nothing. Lower my voice and speak all gentle like what we got is a secret. I thought you said we could help each other.
I see boy after boy who has been diagnosed and medicated for years coming to my clinics. I see boy after boy who hates taking these medicines. I discuss the controversies with the parents and nearly all want to subsequently reduce the dose or bring their children off the tablets. I have seen boy after boy come off stimulants. Parents tell me children started eating normally again, put on weight, came out of their shell and began to express themselves. They were transformed.
Sami Timimi, Naughty Boys: Anti-Social Behaviour, ADHD and the Role of Culture
THE HOSTAGE
I keep on thinking about that phone, crushed, on a pavement near my office. I wonder if it is still functional enough to ring. I wonder who’s been ringing it. My flatmates, I hope – to ask where I am – unless they’ve assumed I’m on a trip I happened ne
ver to mention. There’s no particular reason why my absence from the flat should alarm them. My parents – maybe – but it’s not as if the lack of an answer or callback would lead them to assume anything is wrong. Carla – possible, but unlikely. That phase of post break-up heart-to-hearts has passed. It’s a month or more between calls now. Her voice each time a little more distant, a little less interested. She has a new boyfriend, I’m sure of it. I daren’t ask, and she hasn’t said anything, but I can tell. It’s there in the lilt of her speech, in the speed of her hang-up. The ongoing conversations were an insurance policy she no longer needs. The last, frail bond between us has snapped.
I can spend hours wondering who it was that alerted the police. I can spend hours wondering why they haven’t charged in and rescued me. I can spend hours thinking nothing at all. Then again, perhaps these hours are actually minutes. It’s impossible to tell. I am physically tied down, but my mind is absolutely adrift – detached from every marker that gets you through a day. This, perhaps, is what shipwreck feels like. I am a landlocked castaway.
I’m more afraid and less afraid, now. More afraid of the situation – of how this has gone on so long, got so strange, that any outcome now seems possible – but less afraid of the kids. I’ve got it straight who each of them is, and it’s only Blaze who really frightens me. The others don’t seem to have much more idea of what’s going on than I do.
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