The willow tree that I placed as a mental note in my brain to remember where Bobby was, was still standing tall, swaying in the breeze. Tears escaped my eyes before I could control it any longer. A wave of anger approached, but I kept that in. I wasn’t there to release my anger, or at least I would try not to. I had my 90 proof sitting in a paper bag in the truck for that. I took a deep breath and hopped out of the truck. As I closed the door letting it slam shut, I took a second to let it sink in. The last time I saw Bobby, he was the one slamming that truck door closed. I held the door handle just a little longer while I envisioned his touch. It gave me the chills instantly, like I could feel him. I could remember that roughness to his hands that even though it was rough, it was that touch I’ll never forget. Those many hours he spent working on this very truck. Many hours he spent working with his hands, his talent, and his love for hobbies. God, I missed him. I missed everything about him. Not wanting to turn my head towards his grave and face him, I stared at my reflection in the truck door mirror, watching myself crying. Shaking my fist at the God above,, swearing, praying and asking him why he did this to me. Why, when I’m missing Bobby so much would he let my life go on? My life was not complete without him in it.
I turned around and stared at the grave, knowing exactly what lay below it. I couldn’t get the vision out of my head. The day was so fresh, lingering in my mind. The flowers being tossed on top. I was barely there that day, a part of me died with the Bobby that I knew I’d never get back. I always wondered who he’d be today. I thought too much about it and when these days came, usually I took my medication to keep myself sane.. I carried the pain of losing him on my shoulders, like a heavy coat weighing me down. Something I’d truly never be able to get over. I stepped a little closer before my body sank to the ground in front of the cold stone with his name across it. I cleared the clutter around it with my hands and sat back on my knees while I just stared, waiting for something to happen, a sign anything, but knew I was so alone. I needed to fight through the pain.
“Why did you do this to me? Do you see me right now? Do you hear me? I’m a total fucking wreck because you left me. You dug a hole straight through my heart and it’s been empty since you left.” I wiped the tears falling freely from my face. The wind whirled around me. “You left me, how dare you, I miss you so much. I’m never going to get over you, ever. You’ve ruined me. Look at the relationship I just tried to get into and look where it got me. Back here weeping over you. Wanting you back in my life.” The anger was seeping through my veins and releasing itself into the open, which I didn’t want to do. But I’m so hurt, I’ve been misguided to believe forever was forever. I’m done trying to be the girl who would always get stuck picking up the broken pieces. This wasn’t broken though, it was just gone, fucking gone. He wasn’t coming back. The anger was taking over my emotions and the sadness was gone. I stood up over his grave and kicked the little patch of dirt on the ground, heated. “I’ll never get back the pieces you broke off me, Bobby. I hope you’re happy. This is me letting you go. I won’t be back, Bobby, I won’t be. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep forgetting how to live over someone who chose to be dead, for whatever your selfish reasons were. If you were hurting, you should have told me. I could have done something. I would have tried. I have to move on with my life knowing I did all I could. Knowing that no matter what the fuck keeps spiraling in and out my brain, that there is just nothing I can do anymore. Nothing. I love you, Bobby. I hope you rest peacefully. All your pain is gone.”
I turned on my heel, dried my tears, and walked to the other side, just across the small cemetery road, where my parents were buried side by side. Seeing their names in stone, sent me over the edge. Everyone who truly, deeply, loved me was gone. I had walked the cemetery path to the unforgiving side. How could I forgive God for taking my family away from me? What did I do that was so bad that I would be punished for this? In all these nasty thoughts of mine, deep down, Jake remained on my mind. No pain in my life would ever hurt like this. I wouldn’t let it. I had to stand my ground and be strong for myself. I wouldn’t have anybody else to lift me up from this nightmare. I wouldn’t let the pain of Jake overrun the pain I’ve had in my life till him. I couldn’t let my current situation with him completely ruin my life.
I knelt down before my parent’s stone and cried for them. I silently told them how much I missed them. For they would have chosen to be here today, to help me through anything that I needed from them. To help me make my most important life decisions. “Momma, how I miss you. I wish I had you to talk to about boys. About my life, about what I’m doing wrong. If I’m doing anything right. You always had the answers. You were always my protector. I almost wished I was in that car with you and Dad that night. I can’t bear living my life without you both. I know that I will, because that’s what you would have wanted, but nothing has been easy since you left.” I looked up at the sky as if I was hoping there was some way they could just talk back to me. What I wouldn’t give, to just hear their voices again. To see them smile, watch their happiness sparkle in their eyes. “I love you Mom and Dad, and I hope you’re both okay. I’ll be okay, I promise. I’ll take good care of the cottage and check in on Aunt Jamie and Uncle John. I’ll pull my life together, I’ll make you so proud. I love you.” I blew a kiss towards their grave and walked away. Walking towards the truck, to get into the memory I knew would never fade, and drive away from the town, I knew I’d never forget. Back to Jamie’s, then I think I just needed to head home. That town brought me too much sorrow.
Chapter 14
When it was time to say goodbye to my aunt and uncle, I almost didn’t want to. Goodbye was such a difficult word to say and it seemed like I was always saying it to the people I loved. They both hugged the ever living crap out of me. I knew I had to make it a point to visit more often. But the pain of being in that town over the weekend broke me. I wasn’t expecting to feel that pain, but I did. Aunt Jamie gave me a few boxes to go through that were from my parents’ house that she’d just recently sold. They were setting up an account for me soon to collect some interest and hopefully it’ll accumulate over time and help me in the future if I needed it. They told me if I wanted to work on the house or upgrade some stuff I could use it for that, too. But I wanted it safe and sound for now. I didn’t want to spend it unless I had to. I didn’t want the full share as she did all the work, so I split it fifty/fifty with her. I knew she didn’t need the money, but I wasn’t a brat either.
The highway was wide open and there wasn’t anything stopping me from turning up my radio, and letting go. The speed to get home was fast. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and think about nothing, go through those boxes and put away what I wanted and or store what I wanted to keep in a special place. My mind wandered to Jake, and I would just turn the music up louder to blast out my thoughts. I knew coming home would mean I would have to attempt to give him a chance to explain. I just didn’t know if I was ready. Hell, would anyone be ready to hear the excuses? It’s just a matter of what you’re willing to forgive, and what you weren’t willing to forget.
I made a stop to fill up my gas tank and put something in my empty stomach. I wasn’t in the mood to eat, but knew I had to eat something.
My phone pinged and it was Luke.
Luke: You okay? How’s your trip?
Sadie: I’m ok. Now much better than that though. Trip was painful, I’m halfway home. Please for the love of God, don’t tell JAKE.
Luke: I won’t.
Sadie: Well, you won’t but you told him I LEFT. Thanks for that.
Luke: Stop it. He was worried about you, Sadie.
Sadie: Psh, got to get back to driving.
Luke: Be safe.
I started the truck back up and hit the road full petal to the metal. That truck was old, but it got me where I needed to be.
~*~
Arriving back in my driveway, the sun was set and the wind picked up a chill. Summer was coming t
o an end soon and I was ready for it. I carried the boxes in one by one and my bag of clothes that I barely ever changed out of. I scattered the boxes across the living room floor. I was going to make that my project tonight. Momma’s things we’re exciting to go through. She was always such a big collector.
I set the tea kettle on the stove and prepped everything for going through the boxes. I put the TV on to distract me with noise, placed my cell phone on the coffee table and waited patiently for my tea to be done. Once it whistled, I poured myself some and sat Indian style on the couch while I dug into the first box. Some picture frames and knick-knacks I could put up on the shelves around the house. I moved to the other boxes and looked through some clothes and jewelry that my mom had. She had a real pretty necklace of an angel with beautiful wings that had diamonds. It was gorgeous. I took off my plain Jane necklace and put hers on. I knew they were real diamonds, something I’d never sell and keep the memory of.
It wasn’t until I opened the last box that my life would be shattered once again. I pulled out Momma’s favorite purple scarf to discover a bottle of champagne never opened. I picked it up and read the bottle only to find a cute little sticker on it. It said to Bobby and Sadie on your wedding day. My wedding day? I was put off by the sticker but then reached in and found another bottle and noticed it had another tag on it. The tag read, To Bobby and Sadie congrats on your new bundle of joy. I squinted, my eyes confused and rubbed my head while I sat there staring at the bottle. There was one last bottle in there and I was afraid to read the tag at this point. I pulled it out, took a deep breath and read the tag. The tag read, to Bobby and Sadie, may your love be everlasting, happy anniversary! I laughed. I figured it out, my mom had set aside bottles for occasions that she thought would happen in the future. Reading the label of the champagne, it was her all-time favorite. It was almost a collector’s item the way she always searched for that specific brand and type. Tears pricked the corner of my eyes while I tried to hold back the tears. Even her intuition told her it’d be forever. Boy, we were all wrong. Nobody could have prepared any of us for the heartache.
Something fell off the bottom of the bottle and I looked on the floor to see it was a note crumbled up. I was about to throw it out until I noticed Dearest Sadie was written on it. It was one of those things that just caught your eye. I un-crumbled the letter and it was in Bobby’s handwriting. The first words I let sink into my head over and over again. Practically till I was blue in the face.
Dearest Sadie,
If you’re reading this, I’ve passed on. I know you must be so confused. It wasn’t what I saw of my future, but knew after I sank into such a deep hole of depression this was what I wanted. To escape the pain, feel less hurt, and move on to what the afterlife has to give me. Not that this life wouldn’t have given me great things, but after that party, I’m not so sure you were the one that would be in my life in the future. I know you’re probably like what? Why? Baby, the way you looked into that man’s eyes the day at the party, with your sparkling eyes, your radiant expression, I knew I wasn’t your only. I wasn’t expecting to see that side of you ever. That was when I had decided I knew I wasn’t the right man for you. I wasn’t the right man for anybody. I didn’t fit into my family, or yours I was just living. Don’t get me wrong, you gave me the best life I could have ever asked for. But after that night, I sunk so deep in my soul, I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t stop seeing you with another man. I wasn’t right for you, Sadie. I knew if I wasn’t right for you, I couldn’t live my life. I couldn’t live knowing that I’d lose you someday in a break up. Whatever, what I’m trying to say is, I hope you love again. I hope you find that guy and talk to him again. I know he was the one for you. Not me, baby. Not me. I loved you with all I had in me, Sadie Simpson and I hope you’ll forgive me someday for this. I don’t want you in any pain, I want you happy. Be happy Sadie. Goodbye my love, you’re in my heart forever.
Love,
Bobby
My heart sunk deep in my chest, burying itself in my ribcage, which made me cough for air. The pain I was feeling had no answers. Now I found this letter, and I’m still just as lost. Guy at the party? How could he make that decision for me? He was my fucking life. My world just shattered before my eyes. My hands dropped the letter onto the coffee table and I stared at nothing in front of me. Tears came out of my eyes without stopping before I could even blink. The box to the right of me flew off the couch as I got up and tossed my tea cup at the wall, watching it splash all over the place and explode into a million pieces on the floor. I knew a part of me was quickly sinking, not worrying that my head wasn’t above water. I was heading back down the road I came from. I’m not sure what could stop me now.
Chapter 15
Just when you thought everything was going to be okay, you were going to be okay, more shit happens. The letter wasn’t even understandable on any level for me. I was still just as confused, but hurt that he left me for something so stupid. So unrightfully not his choices. My heart ached to help ease the pain I was clueless that he was endearing, but to end your life so selfishly because you thought you weren’t the right man for me.
“How dare you!” I screamed a loud.
The next thing I heard was my door being unlocked and opened and a set of feet rushing towards me. My vision was blurred and I wasn’t sure what was going on with me.
“Oh my God! Sadie!” I heard Luke’s voice before his face was in front of mine.
“Sadie! Wake up. Oh my God!” He shook me a little bit before taking the bottle of champagne out of my hand. He lifted me up and set me on the couch before pulling out his cell phone. I wasn’t sure what to think but I knew he wasn’t calling anyone.
I pulled the phone out of his hand and sprung from my drunken daze. “No.” I shook my head, half there.
“Sadie.” He breathed a sigh of relief. “You’re awake? Are you okay?” He dropped his phone and attended to my every need. He placed a pillow behind my head and before long I was out cold.
~*~
I woke up to see eyes in front of me that once again, I wasn’t ready to see. Those beautiful brown eyes I missed, but hated at the same time. What the fuck was Jake doing here? Why did Luke open his damn mouth? Anger set in until my head started pounding the second I moved.
“Sadie, just relax.” He stepped closer to me and brushed the hair away from my face.
“Why are you here?” I asked, realizing it was hard to keep my eyes open from the smallest of light in the room.
“Luke had to go into work, he didn’t want to leave you alone. I should be here, I’m the one who should have found you,” he said softly, kissing my forehead. I swore if I could move quickly enough I’d punch him in the face right now. But I knew that would hurt me more than help me.
“I don’t need anybody here.”
“We need to talk about things anyway.”
“I don’t want to talk to you, Jake! You broke my heart and ripped it to shreds. Just leave me alone.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“Look, if I tell you I don’t care, will you just leave?”
I was getting angry. The last person I wanted to see was Jake. The only damn thing on my mind was that stupid fucking letter I read last night. It didn’t seem real. It didn’t seem like Bobby wanted me to see that. Why would it have been in that stupid box? Why wouldn’t he have put it somewhere where he knew I would see it? Three years damn it. Three years I’ve been trying to live my life and so many setbacks keep me in the mindset that I am, fucked up.
“You are not the type of person to not care. I love you, Sadie.”
“Stop.” I raised my hand up. “Just stop. Those words hurt more than anything.”
His expression was so lost. He had to know I’d have this hatred for him after finding all of this out. He had to expect that.
He sat on the edge of the bed next to me and raised his thumb to my bottom lip before gently rubbing across it. “If you want to be alone, just say
the words, I’ll leave.”
I threw my hands up, “I want to be alone!” Shaking my head, I was disgusted by the flat out rudeness that came out of my mouth. I wasn’t this rude person, and I hated treating Jake that way, but I wasn’t myself.
Jake stood up, keeping his eyes focused on mine. I could see right through him. The hurt, the pain he was suffering but in a sense, it felt good to see that. He had no clue the amount of pain he made me suffer that could have easily been prevented well before I found out his secrets. Watching him leave the room about killed me. I didn’t want him to leave, but I knew it was best. I was a flipping mess right now.
He popped his head back in. “Is it just over, Sadie?”
I shrugged my shoulders, not giving him any sign that it would work between us. I looked down, not even able to look him in the eye. His shoulders slumped and he walked out of the room.
The water gates opened as soon as I heard him slam the front door. My life was so confusing. I didn’t know what the hell to think. My heart beat erratically for Jake. But my brain told me to move on. What was it about the brain and heart feeling opposite of one another? They always felt differently. Couldn’t they ever get their shit together?
His Unplanned Lesson Page 13
