“Shit, yeah,” I said, licking my lips. “That sounds…so good.”
“Well, now that that’s settled,” said Levi, “I want to talk to you about something else.”
“Uh huh,” I said.
“You’re not doing well. I know that it’s mostly because of the whole New York thing, but I want to make sure that you start getting better once we’re done with the tour,” he told me.
I hated that he was worried about me. He had so much going for him, and I was just dragging him down.
“I will,” I said solemnly. “I will get better for you, Levi. I’m so sorry that I ruined this tour for you, and—”
“Hey,” he said, holding up a hand to stop me. “First off, you haven’t ruined anything.”
“But—”
“But nothing. Come on, Porter, can’t you see how much better you’ve made my life?” he asked.
“I haven’t—”
“You have. So, stop arguing with me on this,” he said. “And I want to make your life better too. So, I will support you however you need me to. I’m wondering if you have ever considered seeing a therapist.”
I blinked at him. Then I burst out laughing.
“Levi,” I gasped through my laughter, “do you think that someone as fucked up as me could have lived twenty-six years without seeing a therapist?”
He blushed but powered on.
“I didn’t want to assume. And you’re not fucked up, so please don’t say that about my boyfriend. You have a lot of shit that you have to deal with, but you yourself are not fucked up in the slightest. And I think, if you’re open to it, that now would be a good time for you to set up a therapy appointment. It’s helped me in the past when I’ve been anxious, and I think it might be really helpful for you now.”
“Okay,” I said quietly. “I can do that.”
“Good,” said Levi with a little smile. “I know that you’re gonna come through this, Porter. Once you’re home and I’m there with you, living together and not having any of the stress of touring; we’re gonna be okay. More than okay…we’re gonna be great.”
“I hope so,” I said with a sigh.
“I know so,” he told me.
14
Levi
Seattle, WA
The last show of the tour was fucking epic.
We were rocking out for a sold-out crowd who were so incredibly energized that they gave us even more life than normal.
The entire time we were onstage, all I could think was, this is what I have always wanted.
Because they were in the palm of my hand. They knew every word to every song. They loved us passionately.
It was bittersweet—of course it was. Because, as much as I loved putting on that show, I was also acutely aware of the fact that it was the last night of our first tour. We would have many, many tours ahead of us, according to Cooper. But we would never have that first tour back, and as much of a hot mess as it had been, it has also provided some of the best goddamn experiences of my life. I wasn’t ready to let go just yet.
Fuck, it was almost over.
As the night drew to a close, I summoned as much composure as I could, and launched into the speech I had been anticipating for weeks.
“Seattle, I want to thank you for an amazing night,” I began. The cheers were deafening, and my face nearly split with my smile as I soaked it in. “We have been lucky enough to perform all across the country this summer, but there really is something special about the pacific northwest. I can’t think of a better farewell.”
Eddie kicked in with a little riff on her drums, riling up the crowd all over again.
“There are so many people we need to thank,” I continued. “First off, our amazing crew. We wouldn’t be anywhere without y’all. Our unbelievable manager who made this whole thing possible…we love you, Coop! The rad team at Pigeon Kiss Media who funded this entire shindig. And most of all, our dedicated fans who keep us inspired. We do this all for you!”
The venue erupted with screams and cheers. Somebody threw their sweaty t-shirt toward me from the mosh pit, and I let out a startled little laugh.
“I also want to shout out to our friends and family, who have been so incredibly patient and supportive. I hope we’ve made you proud.” I glanced over the wings and saw Porter watching me with a small smile on his face. I winked at him before turning back to my fans. “This tour has been phenomenal. We’ve seen a whole slew of states, rubbed shoulders with all kinds of big industry names, and met people who have changed our lives. It’s been an honor Seattle.”
Cue the bassline for our final song.
“Before we head out, I’d like to introduce a new song that I wrote this week. This is her maiden voyage, so y’all are in for a treat.”
I looked back at Porter.
“This goes out to someone who turned my world upside down. You know who you are.”
Eddie pulsed out a drumbeat and I joined in with the guitar.
There’s something…yeah, something about youuuuuu…
It took forever to wrap things up. The crowd did not want us to leave, and Dalton somehow coaxed me into performing four encore songs. I was pouring sweat and panting into the microphone by the end.
Fuck, what a high.
When we finally made it into the wings, Cooper was standing there with the biggest grin on his face.
“Proud of us?” I asked him, even as I was making a beeline for Porter.
Porter swept me up in his arms, grinning. I felt so powerful, so loved as he hugged me with all his might.
“You were incendiary,” he whispered in my ear. “I can’t wait to take you to my place tonight and fuck you into the mattress.”
My cock perked up, and a shudder rolled through me.
“Tonight, and every night from now on,” I told him. “We made it through, baby. It’s all downhill from here.”
“Come on y’all,” called Cooper, “I have some news.”
Eddie shoved a shot glass in my hand when we reached the green room, and I threw back the tequila smoothly.
God bless Eddie.
“What’s going on?” asked Dalton. She was perched on the arm of the cushy couch where Porter and I were sitting.
“Hang on,” said Cooper, shutting the door to block out some of the noise.
Eddie wrapped an arm around Dalton and said, “Can’t this wait until we’ve showered?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to wait for this,” said Cooper. He was nearly trembling with excitement, and I wracked my brain trying to think of something that might break his cool demeanor.
“Would you just tell us already?” I asked.
Porter kissed the back of my neck, and I squeezed his hand.
“I just spoke with the contract team at Pigeon Kiss,” said Cooper. “They called me while y’all were literally onstage.”
“And you picked up?” Dalton asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I’ve been waiting for this call,” Cooper said seriously. “They’re offering you a spectacular contract. It’s a three-album deal, tours for the next three consecutive summers, and a whole lot of fantastic publicity. They think you’re going to be the next big thing, and they aren’t fucking around with this offer. I’ve never heard of anything like it for a band like this.”
“Holy shit,” squealed Dalton, kissing Eddie hard on the lips before tackling me in a hug.
There was a general jumble of chaos as we all shouted and hugged and made utter fools of ourselves.
Once things had calmed down slightly, Porter wrapped me in his arms and murmured, “I am so proud of you.”
“I love you so fucking much,” I whispered back.
“There’s a stipulation, though,” Cooper said loudly.
We all turned to him.
Holy shit, I thought. A stipulation? What does that even mean?
“What, like some legal shit we have to sign?” asked Dalton.
“I mean, yeah, there will be a lot of that,” said Coope
r. “But they want to capitalize on the momentum you’ve gained on this tour.”
“What does that mean, exactly?” asked Eddie.
“It means that they want to extend this tour and send you on a European leg,” said Cooper.
The room went silent. We all stared at him, not quite comprehending.
“Extend this tour?” Eddie asked.
“What, like they want us to pack up and head to Europe now?” demanded Dalton.
My heart sank like a stone.
“They’ve already booked everything,” said Cooper. “This first show is in Dublin in six days. We can all head home to regroup for a bit, or even stay here in Seattle. But we’ll be flying out before the end of the week.”
It felt like my entire body was paralyzed. Waves of coldness were crashing over my limbs, ebbing and flowing alarmingly. I tried to look at Porter, but my head didn’t seem to want to move.
Fuck fuck fuck.
This was really, really bad.
I felt him shifting beside me, and with a herculean effort I turned my head.
To my distress, Porter was already standing up. I watched him stride across the room silently, and then he was out the door.
I blinked, looking at my bandmates. They were peppering Cooper with questions, completely unaware that my world was crashing down around me.
“Cooper,” I tried to say, but my throat wasn’t cooperating.
Motherfucking shit.
“Cooper.”
Nothing.
“Cooper,” I nearly shouted.
Three heads turned to look at me.
“What the fuck?” I asked, somehow finding the strength to stand up. “You didn’t think to give me a fucking heads up?”
Cooper looked startled. “I just got this call, Levi, what do you want me to—”
“I can’t deal with this right now,” I said, heading for the door.
“Wait, Levi!” called Dalton.
I whipped around, my frustration boiling over.
“Porter can’t fucking handle this,” I snapped. “What am I supposed to do?”
Dalton and Cooper looked abashed. Eddie’s expression, however, was more complex. There was sympathy, of course, but something else as well. Pity?
“Levi, this doesn’t mean—”
“He’s going to fucking leave me,” I said, and as soon as the words were out I realized that they were true.
Fuck. Is he going to leave me? Where did he go? Shit shit shit…
“This is what you have been dreaming of, Levi,” said Cooper. “I’m sure he’ll understand. He can stay here, it’s just over a month, and then you’ll be back.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head vehemently. “That’s asking too much. What the fuck am I going to do? Fuck. I need to go, I need to find him.”
“Levi,” came Eddie’s voice. She was so authoritative in that moment that it stopped me in my tracks. I glared at her.
“What?” I hissed.
“He will make it through. It’s just a month. Take a deep breath before you go spinning out over this,” she said.
“Eddie’s right,” said Cooper. “Just take a few days and make a contingency plan. You can make this work.”
“You don’t know that,” I snarled. “He is everything to me, do you get that?” I took a deep breath and considered my options. The only one I would be able to live with was finding Porter. “I need to go.”
Of course, he was long gone by the time I made it out of the green room. I knew he wouldn’t have stuck around the venue, but I had no idea where he might have gone. Would he be at home? Maybe he called Dom to pick him up. I sorted through everything I knew about Porter, hoping that a solution would just come to me.
I tried to replay every conversation we had ever had about Seattle. What did he love most about the city? Where would he find solace?
His life, before me, had been so safe. He had lived with his four favorite people, read a lot of books, wandered around the city on foot, tended bar…
I was hit, then, with a flash-bang memory of the night we met. I had traipsed into that quiet, empty bar and found him serenely polishing a glass. He had been so at ease, in his element. There hadn’t been anyone there to overwhelm him. It seemed as likely a place as any for him to head in a crisis.
Of course, it took me a while to get there. The entire time I was running our situation over through my head.
I have to leave Porter. He is not okay. I can’t leave him. I have to go. Fuck fuck fuck.
Then the doubt started flooding in from another direction.
He might not even be at the bar. Why would he go somewhere he knows I would look for him? He’s not going to want me. I’ve ruined us. Motherfucking shit.
And in the last few minutes before I reached my destination, I started wildly forming plans.
Maybe I can just stay here with him. Maybe I should give everything up to be with Porter. He’s worth it. He’s worth everything. But oh fuck, my career. Eddie and Dalton and Cooper…I can’t do that to them. Shit.
The bar was mercifully just as dead as it had been the last time I had been there. I practically sprinted across the threshold, whipping my head around as I searched for Porter.
It was completely empty.
Fuck, he’s not here, I thought wildly. How the hell am I going to find him?
There was a stranger behind the bar, and he gave me a suspicious look…probably because I had just bolted into his bar like there were hellhounds on my tail.
“Something I can help you with?” he asked.
I opened my mouth to say something but ended up just kind of goldfishing at him.
What do I need? I thought. Come on, Levi, what do I need this minute?
“Do you know Porter Hansen?” I asked. It was my last desperate chance.
The guy’s eyebrows shot up, and he took his time deciding whether or not to answer me.
At long last he said, “I do.”
“Okay,” I said, looking up at him imploringly. “You haven’t, uh, seen him today, have you?”
Please, please, please…
The man sighed heavily. “I guess that depends on who you are and why you’re asking.”
“I’m his boyfriend,” I said, and even though I was going through literal hell, a little thrill went through me as I said the word. Boyfriend. “He needs me…please, if you know where he is—”
“Yeah, I know where he is,” the guy said. He grabbed a pint glass and filled it with water. “Make sure he drinks this, he needs to stay hydrated.” I stared at the guy blankly and he added, “He’s in the back. Right through that door.”
So, I rushed off with the glass of water, careening through the door in question and nearly face-planting into Porter.
He was sitting on the floor of a tiny, cramped break room, surrounded by boxes of supplies. His eyes widened as he looked up and registered who he was seeing.
“Levi?” he asked, his voice breaking.
And, oh fuck, he looked awful. His eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks tear-streaked, and the general sense of devastating fatigue he had been carrying around for the past month was somehow even more pronounced.
My heart broke. It was a literal pain in my chest—a deep, hollow pain that sent me reeling forward, stunned by its power. I collapsed on the floor next to Porter and kind of shoved the water at him.
“Drink this,” I commanded.
He did as he was told, shooting me a sidelong glance as he gulped at the water.
We sat there in silence until he had drunk the entire thing. Then he took a deep breath and turned to face me.
“Why are you here?” he asked.
He sounded gravelly and dejected.
Shit.
“I’m here for you,” I said. “You’re…Porter, you didn’t think that I would come for you?”
He shrugged, looking away.
“I don’t know, Levi. You just got exactly what you’ve been wanting for your whole life. And I’m so prou
d of you. But I just can’t do this anymore.”
My heart sank like a stone, the words piercing me like barbs.
“I get it,” I said, my voice very small.
“I wish I was strong enough for you,” he continued. “I really, truly do. You have no idea how much I wish that. But I’m not strong, Levi. I’m weak. And you need to go follow your dreams without me dragging you down.”
I nodded numbly, trying to take in what he was saying. And then it all sank in and I abruptly changed tacks, shaking my head instead.
“I’m sorry Porter, but that is some real bullshit.”
I expected…well, I don’t know exactly what I expected. But I thought he might get mad or something. He didn’t.
“Oh Levi,” he said, his voice very sad. “You can’t have someone like me ruining this for you.”
“Someone like you?” I asked incredulously. “What kind of person do you mean? Someone who’s smart and funny and kind? Someone who is unbelievably strong, fighting every day to keep his head above water? Someone who makes me happier than I have ever been in my entire life, even when I’m onstage? Someone who inspires me to be a better person? Because that is someone I need with me. You’re not dragging me down, you ridiculous man, you are pulling me up. You are everything, Porter.”
He looked kinda shell-shocked, so I plowed on.
“And where the hell do you get off, telling me that you’re no good for me? Porter, it’s my career that has been hurting you. The goddamn limelight is the issue here, not you. So, get your head out of your ass because I am not breaking up with you. I won’t leave until you tell me that you no longer want me.”
He was crying again. Of course, I had made him cry. Goddammit.
“Levi,” he said so softly that I almost missed it.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered.
I took his beautiful face in my hands and kissed him firmly.
“Do you trust me?” I asked, an idea forming in my head.
“More than anyone,” he murmured.
“Okay,” I said. “Come on, we’re going to the airport.”
The Limelight Page 17
