by Steve Nubie
MALCOLM:
A word to the wise. Always strive to speak in complete sentences. You never know if someone is making a decision about you. A decision that may not make a difference if a certain Mycologist has his way.
SFX:
INTERIOR. POLICE STATION. CHATTER. NOISE. PHONES
SHERIFF:
It’s all going to hell in a hand basket out there Brown. We’re evacuating everyone. That includes you.
BROWN:
You don’t have to tell me twice. Where’s Angela and Bradley? They’ve got our Professor and I want some answers.
SHERIFF:
Angela and Bradley haven’t come back. I hope they didn’t run into one of those mobs. The streets are in chaos.
BROWN:
They’re not back?
SHERIFF:
No, and if you can get a hold of them, tell them to head over to the next County. We’ve established a rendezvous point. We’re all out of here.
This thing is spreading. We’ve learned a bit more about it. Before they lose their cognitive abilities they go through a period of prolonged sneezing. If you find someone on the street sneezing, chances are good they’re on their way to skull cracking.
BROWN:
Sneezing?!
SHERIFF:
Yeah. One of our guys went into one of the interrogation rooms. He touched one of those snake things sticking out of the guys head and it exploded in a cloud of dust. He came out sneezing and in a few hours turned into one of them. He’s locked up in a cell now. Poor guy. We don’t know what to do for him.
BROWN:
(ASIDE) Sneezing??
SHERIFF:
Hey, did you say somethin”
BROWN:
No. Look I’m heading out to the swamp. I’ll run into Angela and Bradley sooner or later and have them meet up at the rendezvous point. By the way, this professor might be the guy behind all this madness.
SHERIFF:
Bring him with ya’. The CDC is gonna want to interrogate him. You got any idea what this is all about?
BROWN:
Yeah. It’s something called a Zombie Fungus. Hansen seemed to know all about it. Too much about it now that I think of it. It affects the mind and body of insects and makes them slaves to the fungus.
Somehow it’s starting to infect humans.
SHERIFF:
Yeah, the CDC has come to the same conclusion.
BROWN:
Are they here?
SHERIFF:
No. And they don’t plan to come here. They say this a hot zone. When we get over to the next County everyone from the town is going to be quarantined.
We’re all at risk now. Oh, and Brown. When you find Angela and Bradley make sure you don’t come back through town. The Air Force is gonna bomb the city.
Napalm. The CDC’s idea. You don’t want to be here.
BROWN:
Thanks for the tip.
SHERIFF:
If that Professor resists, cuff him and lock him in your trunk if you have to. Don’t waste any time.
BROWN:
I don’t plan to.
SFX:
WALKING. GENERAL NOISE AND CHAOS IN PRECINCT CONTINUES.
BROWN:
(ASIDE TO SELF) Sneezing… Angela, Angela, Angela.
MALCOLM:
Fungus and spores and mold, oh my. It sounds like an order of fried mushrooms is on the menu today. The Air Force is coming to town and its going to be a hot time in the old town tonight. Unless of course you want to take a slow, stroll through the cool dampness of a deep, dark swamp.
ANNCR:
We’ll return to Fangoria’s Dreadtime Stories - after this.
ACT III
ANNCR:
And now back to Fangoria’s Dreadtime Stories and the conclusion to “A Fungus Among Us.”
MUSIC:
OMINOUS FUNGUS THEME.
SFX:
CAR SLOWLY DRIVING THROUGH SLUSH AND MUD. CAR STOPS. CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS SQUISHING IN THE MUD
BROWN:
Angela?!…Bradley?!
SFX:
FOOTSTEPS SQUISHING IN THE MUD. FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN STEPS. KNOCK ON METAL DOOR.
BROWN:
Hansen?! You in there?
SFX:
SQUEAK OF DOOR AS IT OPENS. GUN COCKS SOUND OF SLOW FOOTSTEPS ECHOING ON HARD FLOOR
BROWN:
Hansen? Angela?
SFX:
DOOR SLAMS
BROWN:
That’s cute. Hansen?! Where the hell are you?! You creepy hermit. I can’t see you in this dark dungeon you live in, but I can hear you.
ANGELA:
SNEEZES
BROWN:
Angela? Is that you?
ANGELA:
Why…do you… pursue us?
BROWN:
Angela? …Oh don’t tell me.
BRADLEY:
SNEEZES
BROWN:
Bradley? Is that you? Where’s Hansen?
BRADLEY:
I don’t know. He’s got us tied up in a couple of chairs. Do you have a flashlight?
ANGELA:
You too will…join us.
BRADLEY:
She kind of lost it right after we got here. She wasn’t making a lot of sense on the ride out.
I think we’re gonna lose her soon.
SFX:
SLOW, ECHOING FOOTSTEPS
BROWN:
Where’s Hansen?
BRADLEY:
I don’t know. He didn’t answer the door.
We came in. He zapped me with a stun gun. SNEEZES. When I came-to we were tied to these chairs.
ANGELA:
You must obey…you cannot resist us.
BRADLEY:
Untie me man. I can’t stand it in here.
BROWN:
Yeah. Yeah I’ll untie you in a minute. If only I could see in the dark. I uh, I think I should tell you something. You’re sneezing. It’s not just an allergic reaction. It’s a symptom of the fungus. I’m afraid you’re infected Bradley.
BRADLEY:
Brown, you can’t leave me here. SNEEZES
ANGELA:
You too… will join us.
SFX:
SOUND OF LOUD, CONCUSIVE EXPLOSIONS IN THE DISTANCE EXPLOSIONS GROW IN FREQUENCY AND VOLUME
BRADLEY:
What the hell is that?!
BROWN:
The Air Force. They’re bombing the city. It’s the only way to destroy the fungus. Or at least that’s what they’re telling us.
BRADLEY:
Brown. We gotta get out of here. You can’t just leave me and Angela here like this.
BROWN:
Yeah. Yeah you’re right. Look, do you have a flashlight in your patrol car?
BRADLEY:
SNEEZES Yeah. It’s clipped to the console next to the radio. Hurry. Get us out of here.
SFX:
RAPID FOOTSTEPS AND SQUEAK OF DOOR AS IT OPENS MORE DISTANT EXPLOSIONS AND CRACKLE OF FIRE IN THE DISTANCE. CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS IN THE MUD. SQUEAL OF DOOR. CLICK OF FLASHLIGHT
BROWN:
Bradley? Where are you?…Good God!
BRADLEY:
Oh no! Man, get me out of here!
BROWN:
Bradley. I’m coming. Just sit real still. You’re surrounded by bodies and those snake-things are all around you. If they burst, the spores fill the room like dust and we don’t stand a chance.
BRADLEY:
SNEEZES. This is insanity. Get me out of this chair!
ANGELA:
Untie me…first…I have…something for you.
BROWN:
Angela, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stay tied in that chair for now. It’ll be over for you soon.
BRADLEY:
SNEEZES. What are you waiting for?!
SFX:
SLOW FOOTSTEPS
BROWN:
Just stay cool man! If one of these things explodes, this place will fill with the
dust and that’ll be the end of us!
MUSIC:
FUNGUS MUSIC IN:
ANGELA:
You too will…Ahhhhh! Arghh!….Ahh Ahhh! Argghh!!
SFX:
SOUND OF HEAD CRACKING OPEN. SQUISHY SLITHERING JUICY CRACKLING
BRADLEY:
Oh no! Brown! Untie me. Get me out! Please!
You gotta get me outta here!
BROWN:
Hold still. I’m cutting the ropes. Don’t knock any of those things.
BRADLEY:
Am I loose?
BROWN:
Yeah. Now stand up slowly. Watch out! One of those things is right next to your leg.
SFX:
SLOW ECHOING FOOTSTEPS
BROWN:
That’s good man. Keep coming. You’re almost clear. …good…good. Okay.
SFX:
RUNNING STEPS, SQUEAK AND SLAM OF DOOR
BROWN:
Bradley! Bradley wait for me! Don’t head into the city!
SFX:
FOOTSTEPS ON HARD FLOOR. STOPS
BROWN:
Sorry Angela.
SFX:
SMALL, JUICY CRACKLE
SFX:
FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE. DOOR SQUEAKS AND SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS DOWN WOODEN STEP AND WALKING ON GROUND
BRADLEY:
SNEEZES COUGHS SPUTTERS SPITS
BROWN:
You okay?
BRADLEY:
Are you kidding. I’ve been sitting in that chair for hours. It was pitch-dark. I had no idea I was surrounded by all those bodies, and… and those things.
BROWN:
Yeah well, unfortunately Angela is one of those things now.
BRADLEY:
So what do we do? Where do we go?
BROWN:
We’re going to hookup with the survivors about sixty miles west of here. They’re going to want to put you in quarantine. In fact we’re all gonna end up in quarantine. But the CDC is there now.
They might be able to stop the infection from spreading. If you got it, and I think you do, well… they might be able to save you.
BRADLEY:
What about Angela?
BROWN:
There’s nothing anyone can do for her. Do you have a siphon hose in your trunk?
BRADLEY:
Yeah, what do you got in mind?
BROWN:
Gas. I’m gonna siphon it out of your car. We have to burn everything inside.
BRADLEY:
Does that include Angela?
BROWN:
She’s dead, Bradley. And her body’s infectious.
Everything in there is a ticking bomb. Eventually the snakes explode in a cloud of dust. If you inhale the spores, or come too close you’re done for.
Hopefully, in your case… there’ll still be time.
MALCOLM:
Time indeed. But the clock’s ticking and a small fire in the swamp seems to be the only answer. It’s barbecue time in the bayou and human shish kabobs appear to be the main course.
BROWN:
Stand back. There’s enough gas in that concrete bunker to blow the roof off. You got any matches on ya’?
BRADLEY:
No, but I got a lighter. SNEEZES. Sorry Angela.
SFX:
CLICK OF CIGARETTE LIGHTER. LIGHTER THROWN AND LANDS. ENORMOUS WOOSH OF GAS AS IT IGNITES
SPREADING CRACKLE OF FIRE.
BRADLEY:
You know, this probably isn’t the best time to think of it, but do you have enough gas in your car to get us to where we’re supposed to go?
BROWN:
Yeah, I got more than enough. Look it’s almost dark.
You got any idea where Hansen might be? You think he’s in that burning house somewhere?
BRADLEY:
If he is, good riddance.
BROWN:
Yeah. I was just hoping we might get some answers.
Let’s get out of here.
SFX:
FOOTSTEPS WALKING ON GROUND. 2 CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE. ENGINE TURNS OVER. CAR BEGINS TO SLOWLY DRIVE.
BRADLEY:
SNEEZES
BROWN:
We gotta get you to a hospital fast.
BRADLEY:
About how long do you think it’ll take?
BROWN:
Once we get out of this swamp and hit the blacktop I’m going code 3. I figure about an hour.
BRADLEY:
Hope I got that long. Yikes. Look at that fire on the horizon.
BROWN:
Yeah, that’s what left of the city. Crazy times, man.
BRADLEY:
Wish we could of found that Hansen guy.
BROWN:
Yeah, I was thinking of trying to track him, but I don’t think we should waste any time with you starting to show symptoms.
BRADLEY:
SNEEZES. Yeah. Good point.
BROWN:
Besides, I think he’s probably burning up back there with his experiments. I wonder if that’s what this was all about. One of his little experiments.
HANSEN:
I wouldn’t call it a “little” experiment Detective Brown.
BROWN:
What the…! Grab him Bradley! He was hiding in the backseat!
SFX:
CAR SWERVING AND RUNNING AND BUMPING THROUGH BRUSH AND SMALL TREES. GRUNTS AND SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE SOUND OF ELECTRONIC ZAPS FROM A STUN GUN. GRUNTS STOP. CAR ROLLS TO A STOP. ENGINE SHUTS OFF.
HANSEN:
Well gentlemen. Sorry to have to stun you so rudely.
Handy little devices these stun guns. One touch to the neck and people are immediately unconscious.
And, now that you’re both calmed down, I can get back to work.
MALCOLM:
Double, double toil and trouble. Fires are burning and brains are bubbles. Yes, yes, there’s much work to be done. After all, how can one let a lifetime of careful cultivation go to waste.
Especially when the last remains of a key ingredient is so close at hand.
BROWN:
GROANS. Ohhh… Bradley? Bradley! Are you okay?
HANSEN:
Oh he’s quite well Detective Brown. He’s not as quick to awaken from my little stun gun. But I’m so glad to see you again.
BROWN:
Hansen. You vicious pig! What? Wait a minute.
SFX:
RUSTLING SOUND OF A MAN STRUGGLING AGAINST HANDCUFFS CUFFED TO THE STEERING WHEEL
HANSEN:
That’s right Detective Brown. I’ve handcuffed you to the steering wheel with your own handcuffs..
Fortunately our officer Bradley had a pair of handcuffs too, so I was able to conveniently cuff both of your hands to the wheel. Rules of the road you know.
BROWN:
You sick bastard! You’ve been behind this all along.
HANSEN:
That’s correct Detective Brown. I’ve been trying to cultivate the Zombie Fungus for almost 40 years now. And I was quite successful. At least until you came along. Now that they’ve bombed the city and you’ve set fire to my home…well, I’m sorry to say you have almost eradicated all samples of the fungus.
BROWN:
What kind of sociopath are you? You enjoy watching people die?
HANSEN:
Actually, they very quickly become something other than people. They become very obedient slaves..
If you need money? You simply tell them to go rob a bank. If you want to get rid of a business competitor? They are more than happy to do your bidding. Why they’ll even destroy all records of past misdeeds by burning down a building or two. Very convenient really.
BROWN:
Yeah, until they die and their brains explode.
HANSEN:
Oh, it’s just the simple life-cycle of the humble fungus. Besides. As the infection spreads I will have more people to do my bidding. Or at least…so I hoped. For a moment there I thought all was for naught, and that the fire-bombing had destroyed my
life’s work. Fortunately, there is still one sample of the fungus that has survived. And right now, it is incubating in the body of your friend, Officer Bradley.
BROWN:
So you’re just going to let him die and make me watch?
HANSEN:
Oh yes. You will be watching. You will have no choice. You’re handcuffed to the steering wheel. A ringside seat to the emergence of a new world order. The order of the fungus..
And then, after the fungus emerges from his skull…they will eventually explode in a puff of dust and they will infect you.
BROWN:
Yeah, well you seem to be forgetting one thing..
You’re fungus looks ready to wipe out the human race, and at some point that’s going to include you as well!
HANSEN:
Actually, that’s not true. You see after a lifetime of inhaling spores of all manner of molds and fungus I’m quite immune to the affliction. Ah, the world will be such a better place. Just me and a soft bed of fungal friends blanketing the earth.
