“Jade, come closer so I can see you.” Frank doesn’t have his glasses on. I notice them sitting on the table.
“Do you want your glasses?”
He nods so I put them on his face. He seems so frail. It’s like he’s aged 20 years since I left. “You look good, Jade.”
“Thanks.” I don’t return the compliment, because we both know it would be a lie. He looks terrible.
“I’m glad you could make it home for Christmas, although I’ll probably still be stuck in here.”
“Well, if you are, we’ll bring Christmas here, okay?”
He smiles. “Okay, honey.” His speech is slower than normal, like he’s heavily drugged with meds. His eyelids close for a moment. When he opens them again, he notices Garret. “Is this your friend?”
“Yes. This is Garret, my boyfriend.”
“Nice to meet you,” Garret says, moving a little closer to Frank. “Jade talks about you constantly. She’s really missed you.”
“She’s very special to me. Like my own daughter.”
Shit! Is he trying to make me cry? I’m doing all I can to keep from losing it and then he has to say that?
Garret takes my hand and gently squeezes it, helping me momentarily regain control of my emotions.
Frank’s eyes shut again and this time they stay shut as he falls asleep. Ryan motions us to leave.
“He goes in and out of sleep like that with the meds he’s on,” Ryan explains once we’re in the hall. “He’ll probably be out for hours. You guys can go and come back later if you want.”
“I don’t want to leave you here, Ryan.”
“I need to check on stuff at work, so I won’t be around anyway.”
“Ryan works here in the hospital lab,” I explain to Garret.
“Jade, do you think you could run home and get me a change of clothes?” Ryan asks.
“Sure. Anything else you want?”
“No. That’s it. Just call my cell when you get back here and we’ll meet up somewhere.”
“Okay. See you soon.” I hug him again.
He looks at Garret. “Did you teach her that?”
Garret smiles. “I did. But she still needs practice.”
Ryan walks off and Garret and I go to the parking garage. As soon as I get in the car, I break down. The tears finally let loose, pouring down my cheeks.
It’s like Garret knew it was coming. He doesn’t even act surprised. He gets out of the car and comes around to my side and opens my door. “Get in the back seat.”
“What? Why?” I say between sobs.
He waits for me to get in the back, then slides in beside me and holds me tightly in his arms. Now I get it. He couldn’t hug me with all the stuff between the two front seats. Several minutes go by before I can finally stop crying enough to talk.
“He looked horrible, Garret. Frank looked so bad.”
Garret doesn’t try to deny it. He knows doing so wouldn’t help.
“And why is he so thin? Doesn’t he eat anymore?” I wipe my face off. “I feel like such an idiot out here crying like this. I told myself I’d be strong for both of them and I’m barely here an hour and I’m already crying. And I hate crying. I freaking hate it.” I pull away from him. “And ever since I met you I keep crying at stuff like this. What the hell did you do to me?”
“It’s because you’re not running from stuff anymore.” He cups my cheek and wipes the remaining tears off my face with his thumb. “You’re dealing with it.”
“I don’t want to deal with it. Dealing with it sucks.”
“I know it does. But sometimes life sucks and you just have to deal with it.”
It’s true. But it’s not fair. I’ve already dealt with enough in 19 years. I can’t deal with any more.
23
Garret and I return to the front seat. Frank’s house is only about 10 minutes away from the hospital. On the way there, we pass my old house.
“That’s where I grew up,” I say, pointing out a small white house that looks more like a trailer than a house.
He pulls over to the side of the street.
“Garret, what are you doing?”
“I wanted to see your house. You saw mine.”
“Yeah, well that’s it. You saw it. Now let’s go.”
Garret takes a moment to look at it. The house looks the same as when I lived there. It still needs to be painted and still has shingles missing from the roof. Frank said whoever lived there last didn’t make the payments so it’s bank owned now.
“It’s a crappy house. I know. Let’s just go.”
Garret drives down the street a few blocks to Frank’s house, which isn’t much better. It’s also a small house in need of repair. But the inside looks nicer than the house I grew up in. Frank has newer furniture, not the old, beat-up, thrift-store furniture my mom had. And he keeps the place neat and clean.
“You can wait here,” I tell Garret as we stand in the living room. “I’ll get Ryan’s stuff.”
When I return from Ryan’s room, I find Garret looking at old photos of me that Frank has on the fireplace mantle next to photos of Ryan.
“Don’t look at those.” I step in front of him. “They’re so embarrassing.”
“You were hot even in high school.” He can still see the photos over the top of my head. “Didn’t you have an awkward stage like the rest of us?”
“I’m sure you were never awkward, Garret.”
He picks up a photo of me at graduation. “Jade, the valedictorian.”
I set it back on the mantle. “Yeah. Great. Are you done now?”
“I want a tour of the house. Or at least let me see your room.”
“There isn’t much to see. We’re in the living room and you can see the kitchen from here.” I lead him to the back of the house. “That’s Frank’s bedroom,” I say as we pass it. “Ryan’s is at the end of the hall. And here’s mine.”
Garret walks into my room. It’s the smallest bedroom in the house. My twin bed is wedged against the wall, topped with an old quilt my mom had. There’s a small desk and chair against the other wall. Seeing the room now, it looks pretty pathetic. I never thought that when I lived there. It’s funny how your perspective changes when you’re away for a while.
Garret’s so much taller and bigger than me that he makes the room look even smaller. And if I think it looks pathetic, I’m sure he’s thinking it looks even worse. “Okay. You’ve seen my room. Let’s go.”
“Is this your mom?” He picks up a photo from an open shoebox on the desk. I go over and take a closer look.
“Yeah, that’s her. Her name was Julie. Well, Julia was her real name but she went by Julie.”
“You look just like her. How old are you here?”
I take the photo from him. “That was my thirteenth birthday. Frank took this. My mom had no idea it was my birthday. That’s why she doesn’t look too excited, not that she ever looked excited.”
I set the photo back in the shoebox, which is full of old photos. “Frank must have been cleaning out his closet or something. I’ve never seen these.” I pick up a few more photos and flip through them. They’re mostly ones of me in high school, but there’s also one of my mom in college. She looks completely different than I remember. She’s wearing her college sweatshirt, standing next to a much younger and healthier Frank. She looks happy and normal and even more like me.
“Did you say they want to college together?” Garret asks.
My mind is so lost in the photo I almost forgot he was standing there.
“They went to Drake. It’s a small college, not far from here. Frank was in grad school then. He’s probably 28 or 29 in the picture.” I toss the photo back in the box.
“You should take one of those. Do you even have a photo of your mom?”
“No, but I don’t need one.” I pull on Garret to leave. “Let’s get out of here. I’m sure you’re not comfortable being in a place like this.”
“Like what?” he asks as I
drag him back to the living room.
“This tiny house. This crappy neighborhood.”
“It’s your life, Jade. And there’s nothing wrong with this house. Or the neighborhood.”
“Whatever.” I pick up the bag with Ryan’s clothes and start heading to the door. Garret stops me.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
I stare at him, annoyed that he’s making me say what I know he’s thinking. “It’s shit, Garret. All of this. Well, it’s not to me, but I know it is to you.”
“No. You don’t know. So stop making assumptions. Yes, this place is small, but it feels like a home. My house feels like a hotel. Or a museum. It’s like people don’t even live there.”
“Let’s just go.”
“Wait.” He takes the bag from me and sets it on the floor, then forces me into a hug. “I know this thing with Frank totally sucks. And I know you’re trying to be strong for Ryan, but you don’t need to put on an act for me. Tell me what you need from me, Jade.”
“I need you to tell me that Frank will be okay. He’s all I have. Ryan will probably marry Chloe and then I’ll never see him again. If something happens to Frank I’ll have no one left.”
He pulls back. “You have me.”
“I’m not talking about today. Or next week. I’m talking about years from now.”
“I’ve told you repeatedly that I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yeah. And it’s a lie and I’m tired of hearing it. So stop acting like we’re going to be together in the future.” I back away from him. “Look around, Garret. See this house? And the house down the street where I grew up? We’re from two completely different worlds. I don’t fit in your world. I never have and I never will. I’m not even allowed there. You heard Blake that night he came to your house. He said I’ll never be a Kensington. And as much as I hate the guy, he was right. There’s no future with us.”
As soon as I say it, I regret it. Even though I believe it, I know Garret doesn’t at all. He’s an optimist. He’s convinced we’ll somehow still be together years from now. And although I’d love that to be true, I just can’t imagine it happening.
Garret stands there looking frustrated. “Now is not the time to get into this but I’m just going to say this. You make your own future, Jade. Other people don’t make it for you unless you let them. So if we break up, it’s going to be because you wanted it. Not me. Not anyone else.” He picks up the bag and walks past me out the front door.
I follow him to the car. He opens the door for me and closes it hard. He’s mad at me. And I don’t blame him. I keep pushing him away every time he tries to get closer to me. He’s right. I’m going to end up breaking us apart because I’m so worried that if I don’t, someone else will do it for us.
We ride in silence to the hospital. Ryan’s back waiting in intensive care when we arrive.
“Here’s your stuff.” I hand Ryan the bag of clothes.
“Thanks. I’m going to go change and then call Chloe. Can you stick around in case the doctor comes back?”
“Yeah. We’ll be right here.”
Garret and I take a seat in the ICU waiting area. I can’t stop my legs from nervously tapping the floor. Garret reaches over and holds my hand.
“You can go to the hotel if you want.” I have no idea why those words came out of my mouth. I need him desperately right now. The last thing I want is to be sitting there all alone. Why can’t I just ask for what I need?
After what I said and how I acted earlier, I expect Garret to just get up and leave. To at least get a break from the mean, ungrateful person sitting next to him. Instead, he lets out a long sigh and kisses my forehead, pressing my head down on his shoulder. He doesn’t say a word. He just stays there, holding my hand and waiting for news about a man he doesn’t even know.
As we wait there, I realize that I’ve never told Frank how much I appreciate all that he’s done for me. I’ve never told him how much he means to me. And as much as it kills me to have to express my feelings like that, I need to tell him these things before it’s too late.
I nudge Garret. “I’m going to see if Frank’s awake. I need to say something to him.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No. I won’t be long.”
I check Frank’s room. He looks half awake so I go in and tell him what I should’ve told him a long time ago. I thank him for everything he’s done for me since that day he moved in down the street. And I tell him that I love him and that he’s been like a real father to me. When I’m done, he smiles weakly but doesn’t respond. He’s sleepy so I let him rest.
As I’m walking back, I pass by people of all ages lying in beds hooked up to machines. Some of those people will probably be gone tomorrow.
When I get to the waiting area, Garret is still sitting there patiently. And I realize that none of my fears about our future together even matter. Because at any moment, one of us could be like Frank, lying there in intensive care. I’m wasting all the moments I have with Garret worrying about something that might never happen. Maybe we’ll be together forever. Maybe we won’t. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is right now.
And right now, I love Garret more than I ever thought possible. And the fact that he’s here with me, supporting me, helping through this, makes me love him even more. I take the seat next to him and rest my head on his shoulder again.
A few minutes later, Ryan returns and motions us into the hall. “I saw the doctor just now and he said Dad’s doing better but he needs to rest. They don’t want visitors in his room until tomorrow. So you guys can leave. I’ll call you if anything changes.”
“Ryan, I don’t want you sitting here all alone.”
“Chloe’s coming soon, so go ahead. I’m sure you’re tired from the flight.”
“Okay. Then I guess we’ll see you in the morning.”
Ryan doesn’t ask where I’m staying, so I don’t tell him I’ve decided to stay with Garret. I’m still Ryan’s pretend little sister, and even though I’m 19 it’s weird telling him I’m staying with my boyfriend instead of at home in my room.
Garret and I go check in the hotel. Of course he booked the nicest one in Des Moines. The room is huge with one king-size bed.
Garret hasn’t said much since we left Frank’s house. Even in the hotel room, he quietly puts his clothes away, not saying anything.
“Hey.” I tug on his arm as he’s hanging a shirt in the closet. “Can we talk?”
We sit down on the bed. He doesn’t look at me and I don’t look at him. Instead I keep my eyes on my hair elastic, which I’m twisting repeatedly around my finger.
“I’m sorry, Garret. I shouldn’t have said all that stuff over at the house. I don’t know why I say stuff like that. I can’t figure out my own head sometimes.”
He doesn’t respond, so I sit there and continue to fidget with my hair elastic. After a while, I can’t take the awkward silence. “Why are you being so quiet?”
He finally looks at me. “Because right now, I’m really pissed off at you and I don’t want to say something I don’t mean.”
“Well, maybe if we talk about it you won’t be so mad.”
He hesitates, then finally speaks. “Today you acted like I was going to break up with you the second I saw your house and where you grew up. Like you think that would somehow matter. Like I’m just one of those rich-kid stereotypes you have stuck in your head, even though I’ve tried to prove to you a million times that I’m not like that.”
“I know you’re not. And I know you don’t think it matters where we came from, but sometimes I can’t get past it. Like today, when we were at the house it just reminded me that I don’t fit in your world. All I could think about was how this will never work. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dammit, Jade!” He stands up. “It doesn’t have to make sense! Nothing makes sense! Life doesn’t make sense! You’re just trying to find excuses for why this won’t work. It’s almost like you don�
��t want it to.”
“No, that’s not it.” I pull on him until he sits down again. “Listen. I never should’ve said that stuff about us, okay? You’re right. I don’t know where this is going. You and me. Maybe we actually will be together years from now. I just can’t seem to convince my brain that it’s possible. It keeps telling me it’s not because I don’t have the best track record when it comes to people sticking around. First my mom. Now Frank might leave me. And when I think I might lose you, too, I panic and say things I shouldn’t.”
“You’re not going to lose me, Jade.” His voice is softer now but he still sounds mad. “And you know, it’s not like this doesn’t work both ways. Losing you would suck big time for me, too. That’s why I hate it when you keep saying we don’t have a future together.”
“But I want a future with you. I just say the exact opposite of what I want. I don’t know why I do it. I just do.”
“Then maybe you could work on that. Because I can’t read your mind and I don’t know what to believe sometimes. Half the time I think you’re trying to get rid of me and the other half you act like you want me around.”
“I’m telling you right now that I always want you around. Ignore the other half of the time. Don’t even listen to me. I won’t even talk about the future anymore.”
He tilts my chin up with his hand. “You can talk about the future. Just not one in which we’re not together.”
“Okay, I’ll work on it.”
“That’s not good enough. I’m making this a rule from here on out. No more talking about us breaking up. Got it?”
“Yeah. I got it.” I cautiously smile at him. “So are you done being mad at me?”
“I can’t stay mad at you.” He puts his hand around mine. “You’re like Lilly. You’re too freaking adorable.”
I lean over and kiss him. “I love you.”
“I know you do.” Cue the cocky smile.
“Aren’t you going to say it back?”
He shrugs. “Maybe later. We should probably eat. Are you hungry?”
“I guess I am. I don’t feel hungry but my stomach’s growling.”
“What do you like around here? Tell me your favorite Des Moines restaurant.”
Knowing You (The Jade Series #2) Page 20
