by Zoey Gong
He gives a small chuckle, but there is no humor in it. “I have wondered, many times, how you, the last girl selected, one who’s name I drew from a bowl, became my empress.”
I blink in surprise. He has had the same doubts I have? I never thought about him giving much consideration to those of us in the harem. We live in two separate worlds, worlds that only cross paths in the emperor’s bed-chamber.
“But then I think of how you came to have that position,” he goes on. “Your kindness. Your thoughtfulness. Your bravery. I believe you are meant to be here. It may appear that you were only chosen as a concubine by happenstance. But that is not true because your rise to empress was all due to your own actions.”
I am stunned into silence. To hear such things from the emperor himself is unbelievable. Is it possible that what he says is true? I might not be the Daughter of Heaven. I am not even Manchu. But the emperor is truly the Son of Heaven. He is the emissary of the gods, the mouth of the ancestors. If he believes that I am the rightful empress, it must be true! Tears of joy and relief fall from my eyes.
“Have I upset you?” he asks, reaching for my hand.
“No,” I say. “Quite the opposite. You have made me very happy.”
He chuckles and squeezes my hands in his, looking into my eyes. “I love you, Lihua.”
My heart thuds so hard I think it will crack out of my chest. The use of my name—of another girl’s name—completely unravels the words of reassurance that came before. He only believes that I am meant to be here because he doesn’t know the truth. He doesn’t know who I am. If he did, this man who claims to love me would see my head cut from my body.
I realize he is looking at me expectantly, waiting for a response to the words he just used. I slip from my seat and kneel by his side.
“You have honored me above all women, first by making me empress, and then by giving me the gift of your love. I am incredibly blessed to have my feelings of love returned.”
He smiles and tugs me back to my seat. He smiles so that the edges of his eyes crinkle, but there are tears there too. Tears of joy, I fear. I could not say the words he wanted to hear, “I love you, too.” Because I don’t. He is kind to me, certainly. He is an enjoyable lover. And his affection keeps me safe and secure for now. But I do not love him. I suppose I should feel guilty about this. How many women are sold to cold and cruel husbands every day? How many women live and die without hearing such words of affection? But I cannot deny my own feelings.
I care for the emperor very much. He makes me happy. Spoils me. Should some calamity befall him, I would grieve the loss of him. Grieve the loss of the best emperor China could possibly have. But I would not grieve him as a husband.
Thoughts of Honghui—the emperor’s brother—come to my mind unbidden. I do not allow myself to think of him, yet he pushes into my thoughts far too often. Honghui is who I love, and the knowledge brings me great sorrow. We can never be together. I have not even seen him since I became empress, and I doubt I will ever see him again.
All of these thoughts and feelings are racing through me, and Guozhi has no idea. He only looks at me with love and happiness. I lean forward and kiss him, doing my best to reassure him and hide my true feelings.
“Lihua,” he whispers when our lips part.
“Hmm?”
“I really am very hungry.”
“Oh!” I had forgotten for a moment the true purpose of his visit. “I’m so sorry.” I quickly fill a bowl with items from around the table and then give him a bowl of rice. I ladle him a bowl of soup and refill his teacup.
He laughs. “Sit, sit, you silly girl, and eat with me.”
I find that my hand is no longer shaking and that I am rather hungry as well. We eat in companionable silence for a time and I wonder if I am perhaps overthinking things. I suppose it might no longer matter where I came from. I am here now. I cannot change the past, nor can I predict the future. Would it be possible for me to be happy, at least for a time? And should my past catch up to me, I will face whatever comes with as much dignity as I can muster. I only hope it will be enough.
“How are you settling in as empress?” Guozhi asks me.
“I think it is going well,” I say. “I…I still do not feel up to the task all the time, but I am seeking help where I can find it. Lady Euhmeh was trained by Lady An to maintain the accounts, so I have put her in charge of them for now. I hope to eventually learn enough to oversee her, but for now, I have to trust what she says.”
Guozhi nods, but his face is grim. “Do not put too much trust in the other concubines. They will be jealous of you and seek to undermine your authority. And their mistakes will fall upon you as head of the harem.”
“What should I do?” I ask. “I am not smart enough to know whether what she says is true or false.”
He smirks. “You need to learn to leverage your position.”
I shrug. Everyone keeps telling me this, but I hardly know how to.
“You have great authority, and plenty of money. I heard that you elevated two of your ladies to rank-three consorts.”
“I hope I have not angered you,” I say.
He waves me off and shakes his head. “No, but that is only a fraction of what you could do. Here is what I suggest. Appoint a second lady to oversee the accounts, one who can check the work of the first, and Euhmeh can check the other lady’s work as well. Tell them that it is to improve accuracy if two eyes examine the entries.”
I nod, but I am still unclear as to how having two women I don’t know handling the accounts will help me.
“Then, whenever your ladies, any of them, please you, reward them generously—openly, so that all may see. You will see people vying for your favor. Working to make you happy. That way, if either girl makes an error with the accounts, the second one will report her dutifully. It will also make them afraid to try and make errors in their own favor since they know they will be caught.”
I nod slowly. “I think I understand. The women will be loyal to me if they know they will be rewarded for it. But they will also be afraid to make any intentional errors because they know they will be caught.”
“Exactly,” Guozhi says. “See, you are more clever than you know. You learn quickly.”
“Thank you for the advice,” I say.
We are quiet a little longer as we eat a bit more. “There is one more thing,” I say. He nods for me to continue. “I am sorry that I have not yet given you a son. If his majesty will allow it, I would like to be responsible for raising your children.”
He looks at me for a long moment, and I fear that he will become angry. The last time we fought, it was over Dongmei, Lady An’s daughter. But eventually he nods.
“You are their mother,” he says. “Do as you will.”
My heart skips a beat. “Thank you. But…your mother, the dowager, she and I do not always agree on what is best for them. What should I do?”
“You must give your mother-in-law the respect she deserves,” he says. “But you are their mother. The final decisions regarding their welfare fall to you.”
My heart is racing, but I know I cannot be overconfident. The dowager will not be happy when I try to make decisions for the girls.
“So, you will support me in this?” I say. “Should your mother and I disagree, you will support my decisions.”
“Matters of the harem should not fall at my door,” he says, growing irritated. “I have enough to worry about without petty jealousies and arguments needing my attention.”
I sigh in disappointment. This is not enough of a reassurance for me. “Of course, your majesty.”
“However,” he goes on, to my surprise, “you are young, and new to your position. Should you need my support as you learn to navigate your new place as empress, you will have it.”
I am so happy I can hardly contain myself as I try to thank him. He laughs as he stands, pulling me along with him. He holds me in his arms and we kiss. We start to move toward my bed-chamber
when we are interrupted by Fiyanggu.
“Forgive me, your majesties,” he says, “but there is an urgent matter that requires the emperor’s attention.”
“What is it that cannot wait until morning?” Guozhi asks.
“It is regarding the negotiations—” Fiyanggu starts to say, but the emperor cuts him off, instantly aware of what the eunuch is talking about.
“Can I not have an hour of peace?” he says.
“What is wrong?” I ask.
“Nothing that needs concern you,” Guozhi says. “But I am afraid I must go.”
“Of course,” I say. Guozhi kisses me again.
“I will return for dinner tomorrow night,” he says, then he and his servants exit the courtyard, leaving the house feeling surprisingly empty.
I wonder what negotiations he is so worried about, but I suppose I will never know. I truly have no idea what is happening outside the walls of the harem. Are we at war? Peace? Is there a drought or a failed harvest? Are we living in a golden age of plenty? I shake my head to erase such thoughts. Such matters do not concern me, so I should not worry. Whatever happens outside, I know the emperor will keep me safe.
6
“Lihua!” Jiangfei cries out as she runs into my arms. I drop to my knees and hold her tightly. Dongmei, always the more reserved one, is right behind her, and I hold both girls close. They are not my children, but I love them like my own little sisters.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Jiangfei says. “Where have you been?”
“I’ve been right here,” I say.
“Then why haven’t we seen you?” Dongmei asks, worry on her face.
“I’m sorry,” I say. I don’t want to tell them that the dowager empress had all but forbidden me from seeing the girls. For some reason, the dowager doesn’t think I should have much of a say in how the girls are raised. But after my conversation with Guozhi, I am confident that Fenfeng will not be able to stop me from being a surrogate mother to the girls—as is my right as empress.
“Ever since…since I became empress, there have been a lot of changes around here. I needed time to adjust. But everything is settled now, and I have good news.”
“What is it?” Jiangfei asks.
“You will be moving to the palace right next to mine,” I say. “That way we can always be close.”
“Yay!” Jiangfei says. “I want to see. Can I pick my room? Is there a pond?”
Jiangfei is already at the gate of my courtyard. Dongmei, however, seems apprehensive. I hold my hand out to her.
“Do you want to see?”
She nods and takes my hand. We all—including the crowd of servants that follow me everywhere nowadays—walk the short distance along my courtyard wall that turns into the courtyard wall for the princess’s palace to the gate of the girls’ new home.
“Ducks!” Jiangfei says, rushing into the courtyard to the pond where a couple of ducks and few ducklings have made their home.
“They apparently moved in while the palace was empty and I did not have the heart to throw them out,” I say. “They leave a lot of poop around, though, so you must be careful where you step.”
Jiangfei tries to pet one of the larger ducks, but it waddles into the pond to escape her touch. When she manages to grab one of the yellow ducklings, the other large duck runs over, quacking up a storm and raising her wings wide. Jiangfei shrieks and drops the duckling, running to me to protect her.
“Why are they so mean?” she asks.
“They just need time to get to know you,” I say. “You must be gentle with them and very quiet. Why don’t you ask Cook for some bread to feed them.”
All of the palaces have similar layouts, so Jiangfei runs in the direction of the kitchen. I turn to Dongmei and squeeze her hands.
“What do you think?” I ask. “Will you be happy here?”
She shrugs.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her, leading her to a small round table. I ask one of the servants to bring some sweet treats and tea.
“I wonder how long we will be allowed to stay here,” she says.
“As long as you like,” I say, trying to reassure her. “Well, until your father arranges a marriage for you, but that is still some years away.”
She sighs and looks away.
“I thought you would be happy to be closer to me,” I say. “We can visit each other all the time. We can paint and embroider together, or whatever you like.”
“Until Grandmother moves us,” she says.
“What are you talking about?”
She is quiet for a moment as she stares off at nothing. “First, Mother An died, and I was moved to a smaller palace. Then Mother died and Grandmother moved us both closer to her. Grandmother sent all our servants and tutors away and hired new ones. She told Jiangfei and me that we shouldn’t spend so much time with you. That you are just a poor, country girl and know nothing about being a lady. I am sure Grandmother will come and move us again soon.”
My heart breaks for my poor little girl. I have been through so much these few months, but Dongmei has been through more. Jiangfei as well, but she is little and doesn’t seem to understand everything that is going on around her. I lost my family, but I left them willingly, and I believe they are safe—wherever they are. I often think of my rise to the position of empress as a curse. Something I do not want that will surely lead to a bad end. But in reality, it has been a blessing of sorts. I have money and food, plenty of servants, a large home, and the love of the emperor. I can hardly complain. But Dongmei… Poor Dongmei.
I pull Dongmei to my lap and hold her tightly. “You will not have to move again, I promise. Your father has said that I am your mother now. And you know his word is law.”
She lays her head on my shoulder and hugs me back. “I hope so.”
“Dongmei!” Jiangfei runs over and hands a steamed bun to her sister. “Come on.”
Dongmei slips from my lap and goes with her sister to the pond to feed the ducks and koi. A lot of the anxiety that had marked Dongmei’s face seems to melt away as she plays with her sister. I hope I have put some of her worries to rest.
Dongmei is smart and observant. She is right to think that Fenfeng will try to put an end to my meddling. I am sure she will. But Guozhi has assured me that he will support me first when it comes to raising the girls, and I believe he will keep his word. He has always been truthful and honest with me, which is more than I can say about myself. He’s a far better husband than I deserve…
A eunuch announces that Euhmeh has arrived. I have barely gotten to my feet when she is stomping across the courtyard, her lips pinched tight. She remembers her manners, though, and gives a small bow when she reaches me.
“What brings you here?” I ask, though I already know the answer.
“Is it true that you appointed Samala Qiao to manage the accounts as well?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say. “Qiao was very well-educated back home. I’m sure she will be a great help to you.”
“I don’t need any help,” Euhmeh says. “Have I made any mistakes? Have I been dishonest in my accounting?”
“No,” I say. “Of course not. You have done very well.”
“Then, why?”
“It was a suggestion by his majesty,” I say, and her eyes go wide. I think she might cry.
“His majesty is disappointed with me?”
“No! Not at all. It’s me. I am very stupid when it comes to numbers. I could never do half of what you are able to. The emperor thought it would help me if I had two people to help manage the accounts.”
Euhmeh’s lips press tightly and she looks away for a moment. “Of course, his majesty is wise in all things. Whatever he says must be correct.”
“I agree,” I say.
“But I don’t need help,” Euhmeh says, her voice tight. “I don’t need a spy looking over my shoulder.”
“What?” I ask dumbly. “A spy? What do you mean?”
“A farm cannot have two rooster
s,” she says. “I only helped Lady An with recording numbers. I was never her equal. I did not do the calculations or report to the empress. The accounts have never been managed by two people.”
I am unsure of what to say. Euhmeh is very smart, and not only when it comes to numbers. I had hoped that she wouldn’t know why I was giving her a partner, or that she would be humble enough not to question me about it. I can’t imagine ever questioning one of Caihong’s decisions. This thought gives me strength.
“How dare you question my motives,” I say, my voice strong. Her eyes go wide. “Am I not the empress? Are you not a lowly, rank-five concubine?”
Euhmeh tries to reply, but she cannot find the words. She drops down to her knees. “I am sorry, your majesty. Please, punish me how you see fit.”
I hadn’t thought about punishing her. I really don’t want to. I only wanted to stop her from arguing with me. I look around the courtyard for help, but I only see servants watching, waiting to see what I will do. Whatever happens, gossip of it will spread through the inner court like wildfire. I have no desire to humiliate Euhmeh, but I must do something. I look down at her, still kneeling before me.
“You will go outside my gate and kneel for the rest of the day,” I say. “You may leave at sunset.”
I see her jaw clench before she kowtows before me. “Yes, your majesty.” Her maid helps her to stand and they back away from me, toward the gate. They step outside and start walking to the left.
“Where I can see you!” I yell after them. They are immediately back in front of the gate, where Euhmeh kneels, her head bowed. I look up at the spring sun and am glad that there are only a couple of hours of daylight left. I walk over to a bench under the courtyard awning and pick up a puffy pillow. I motion Suyin toward me.
“Give her this,” I say.
“Are you sure, my lady?” she asks. “She is being punished, not pampered,”
“I am not cruel,” I say, thrusting the pillow at her. Suyin presses her lips but does as I command. I see her help Euhmeh onto the pillow, and then I move to where I can’t see Euhmeh. I don’t want to watch her humiliation. It was necessary, but I take no joy in it.
