by Zoey Gong
“Thank you,” I say.
“He wants to know why you are here.”
“Because I want this war to end peacefully,” I say. Huiyin translates, and General Pake asks something else.
“Have you brought a new treaty with you from the emperor?” Huiyin asks on behalf of the general.
“No,” I say.
“Then how do you propose to end the war?”
“I want the general to take me hostage,” I say. “To use me as a bargaining chip to force Emperor Guozhi to sign the treaty.”
“Are you insane?” Huiyin gasps, showing emotion for the first time. “You know that Guozhi will kill you for this.”
I shrug, then regret it. Every movement is pain. “Perhaps. But if this war continues, it is the people who will pay the price. I cannot allow that to happen.”
After some back and forth with the general, Huiyin says, “The emperor knew I was here. At one point, my return was offered as part of the agreement. The emperor refused. He said I was a worthless woman. Why do you think his attitude will change? You are just another pearl on a string.”
Huiyin is panting, her eyes wild. There is hurt on her face, and I think she may cry. I don’t want to hurt her further, but neither can I lie.
“That was very poorly done by the emperor,” I tell her. “He never told me that. If I had known that you were here, being held prisoner by the foreigners, I would have tried to find a way to bring you back.”
Huiyin sighs and shakes her head. “There was nothing you could do. Guozhi doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about any of us.”
“I disagree,” I say. “He has a hundred concubines…but he only has one empress.”
Huiyin’s mouth gapes and her cheeks go red as if I had slapped her. General Pake says something, and it takes a moment for Huiyin to collect herself enough to translate my words to him.
General Pake looks at me, rubbing his chin. He paces the room a bit. I assume he is weighing the truth of my words. Perhaps I am wrong and have allowed myself to be captured by the enemy for nothing. But he has to at least try, I should think. The general calls someone into the room, and they converse back and forth for a minute. When they are done, the general faces me.
“It is unlikely that this will change anything,” General Pake says to me through Huiyin. “Emperor Guozhi is a stubborn man.”
“I am aware,” I say, doing my best not to smile.
General Pake gives a knowing smirk. “But we will see if we can somehow use your arrival here to our advantage,” he says. “It can’t hurt, at least.”
“Thank you,” I say.
General Pake hesitates, but then he says, “You realize that should Guozhi accept the treaty in exchange for your return, we will not be able to guarantee your safety. Once you return to him, you will be at his mercy.”
I nod. “I know.”
“In that case, you are a very brave girl, your majesty.” He then bows to me. I am so surprised, I don’t know what to do, so I just sit there like an idiot.
General Pake exchanges words with Huiyin, and then he leaves us alone. Huiyin stands silently for a moment, but I assume she wishes to say something to me or she would have gone with the general. I give her a smile and pat the bed next to me. After a moment, she sits at the very end of the bed, on the edge, as if she expects to have to jump up in an instant.
“I am very sorry you were left behind,” I say. “When I heard you were missing, I was so distraught, but I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t come back.”
She lets out a sigh and her rigid shoulders soften a bit. “I know. And besides, as the general said, he did try to return me to his majesty, but he didn’t want me.”
“I am sorry,” I say, reaching out and taking her hand. “I wasn’t told that. I was only told that the emperor was refusing to sign the treaty. If I had known you had been taken captive, I would have insisted he find a way to save you. If the emperor does accept the treaty and take me back, I will take you with me.”
“No,” she says. “No, you can’t. I can never go back.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I’m General Pake’s woman now.”
I gasp. “What? I’m so sorry! Has he hurt you?”
“No!” she says. “Of course not. The general is a perfect gentleman. When his men found me and took me to him, he kept me safe. I was still untouched when he offered me back to the emperor. But after the emperor abandoned me, I was so distraught. I thought my life was over. But the general…” She sighs. “He was there for me. He was so kind. He let me have anything in the palace I wanted.”
“Ah,” I say. “I noticed that you are wearing my things.”
She preens, touching her hair. “They do look better on me.”
I shake my head and then laugh. When she realizes that I hold no malice toward her, she laughs as well.
“Eventually, the general asked me to join him in his bed, and I accepted. I am his concubine now.”
“Really?”
“Yes. He has a wife back in England. Children. But he says that it is common for men in his country to have a concubine. But usually only one or two, not dozens. He says he will take me home to England with him. He is going to give me a palace of my own. He said that the concubines in England don’t live with the wives, and they raise their own children. Isn’t that wonderful?”
I nod. “I am glad that he is good to you, and that you are happy.”
She beams. “I am. Probably for the first time in my life.” She touches her stomach. “I believe I am already with child.”
I gasp and touch her stomach. “How wonderful! Congratulations.”
“The general is very excited. He wants this war to come to an end quickly so that we may return to his homeland. He wants the child born there.”
I consider this for a moment. “So, if I hadn’t come, did he have a plan to end the war? Have I sacrificed myself for nothing?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know the details. I don’t know how he planned to win. But I do know that their weapons are vastly superior to ours. Our people would not be able to stand against the foreign army for long.”
I nod and realize that Honghui was probably right about the foreigners marching to Jehol and taking the empire by force.
“I cannot believe you risked your life by coming here,” Huiyin says to me. “You know that Guozhi will consider this to be treason. He will kill you when he has you back in his grasp.”
“I’ve risked my life more times than you realize,” I say. I wish I could tell her more. Then, I realize that I can. Maybe. She’s no longer a member of the harem. She will be leaving the country soon. I open my mouth, but at the same time, the door opens and a man walks in carrying a tray of food. I’m instantly starving and my mouth waters.
“Eat,” Huiyin says, standing. “Rest. I will let you know what happens.”
“Thank you,” I say. She nods and leaves the room. I’m disappointed that I am too much of a coward to tell her the truth. But I will be here for several more days, I am sure. Perhaps the opportunity will present itself again.
24
“You still look terrible,” Huiyin says to me.
We are sitting at my dressing table in my palace within the Forbidden City. General Pake said that since I was the empress, I should be treated as such, even if I was technically their prisoner. I was moved to my palace and given plenty of food and drink. However, many of my personal items—clothes, shoes, headdresses, paintings, furniture, silk bed linens—were all gone. It seems that the foreigners ransacked the palace, taking anything they thought could be of value. Huiyin, though, had a large store of items—some of which were mine—which she gave to me to use. She seemed a little sheepish about it, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need such finery in the first place.
I look in the mirror and sigh. “I still feel terrible as well.”
When I was thrown from the horse, the left side of my body took most of the brunt. My arm wa
s broken, my face is bruised, and my left hip is so sore, it is still difficult for me to walk several days later. I lay my right hand on my left arm where the bone had punctured through the flesh. The doctor came to check on me yesterday, and he said everything will heal perfectly in time. But he also said that there will be a terrible scar. I am afraid of what it is going to look like when the bandages are removed.
Huiyin turns my chin away from the mirror to face her. She gives me a reassuring smile as she paints my face, putting extra over the blue and purple bruises to hide them. She tries to apply red paint to my lips, but she stops and huffs.
“You are trembling. Stop it.”
“I can’t help it,” I say. I let out a long exhale to try and calm my shaking nerves. “The emperor is going to be so angry with me.”
Huiyin nods. She is trying to make me look presentable because after only a couple of days of talks, the emperor agreed to sign the treaty as long as I was returned to him unharmed. However, the emperor is still unwell. So he is sending Honghui to sign the treaty with his authority and to collect me. I am to be returned to the emperor at the Winter Palace. After that, I am not sure what will happen.
Guozhi will be angry, that much is certain. Had I been kidnapped or captured by the foreigners, I could not be blamed for what has happened. But I wasn’t smart enough to consider that. I left in the middle of the day, with guards and a crowd of people watching. He will know that I allowed myself to be captured intentionally—and he will certainly view it as treason.
But how severe the punishment will be, I can only imagine. He could demote me from empress and make me a concubine again. He could strip my rank entirely and send me back to my “mother” in shame. Of course if that happened, I could then return home…wherever home may be. I have no idea where my parents are or how to find them, but I would not stop looking for them until I found them.
The worst thing that could happen, though, is that he could order my death. He could order me to hang myself, like he did with Lady An. Or, he could have me executed. It is this last possibility that frightens me the most, and the one I think most likely to happen.
I gasp out a sob and drop my head into my right hand. What have I done? How could I be so stupid? So impulsive? And why? For what? I try to remind myself that it was to save the lives of the people, but why? I don’t know them. They don’t know me. They don’t even know my real name. Would any of them sacrifice themselves for me? Of course not. They think I’m Manchu. I’m just as much an enemy to them as General Pake and the rest of the foreigners.
Huiyin pulls me to her and hugs me tight. “Shh, your majesty,” she coos. “It will be all right.”
“It won’t!” I say, pulling back and wiping my face, smudging my makeup. “He’s going to kill me. I know it!”
“You don’t know that,” she says, squeezing my hand tight. “He loves you, doesn’t he?”
“He loves his pride more,” I say. “He would even kill his own brother if the slight was egregious enough.”
Huiyin shakes her head. “I don’t think that is true. He will be angry, yes, but he is the emperor. He is wise. He will do the right thing.”
“If he were truly wise we would not be in this situation,” I say bitterly. “It never should have come to this.”
Huiyin’s eyes go large, as though surprised I would speak against the emperor so bluntly. She looks down at her hands and then dampens a cloth to wash my face so she can start the process of painting on my makeup all over again.
“Huiyin,” I say, reaching out and taking her hand, “can I trust you?”
“Of course,” she says. I shake my head.
“No, I mean it,” I say. “I don’t want you to say that just because I am your empress. I mean, can I truly trust you as a friend? As one woman to another?”
Huiyin puts the cloth aside and takes my hand in both of hers. She looks directly into my eyes as she speaks.
“It is my true desire that you will be the last one of my countrymen that I will ever speak to,” she says. “As soon as the treaty is signed and Pake finishes some other business here, we will take the first ship that sails from Dagu Port heading for England. And I’ll not look back.”
I see only sincerity in her eyes, or maybe that is what I want to see. I’m so desperate to tell someone the truth, I might trust her even if she were to say to me that she will go straight to the emperor with whatever I have to tell her. But I believe her. Her life, her destiny, is waiting for her on the other side of the world.
“I’m not Lihua,” I say, but it comes out as barely a whisper.
“What?” she asks, looking confused.
“I’m not Ula-Nara Lihua,” I say more clearly. I’m shaking, but I go on. “My name is Daiyu, Hong Daiyu. I’m Han Chinese.”
Huiyin drops my hand and leans back as if she has been burned. “What?” she gasps.
I nod. “Lihua’s mother paid me to take her daughter’s place at the selection. Lihua was her only child, and she was a widow. She didn’t want to lose her daughter to the emperor. So she paid my father a lot of money for me to stand in as Lihua because we looked similar.”
Huiyin shakes her head as if she can’t believe what she is hearing, her mouth gaping but no sound coming out.
“I was told that the chance of me being chosen was very small,” I say. “I’m not nearly as refined or cultured as real Manchu girls. I thought I would fail at the very start. I didn’t want to be chosen, never imagined I would! I didn’t mean for things to go so far.”
Huiyin is speechless. She turns away from me, turns back to speak, and then looks away again. I stay quiet, waiting for her response. Waiting for her to change her mind and walk away. Send word to the emperor of my deception.
“But…you’re the empress,” Huiyin says. “How…how is this possible?”
“I didn’t want that to happen,” I say. “It was all an accident. I didn’t know that making Prince Honghui a stupid gift would elevate me. I didn’t know that saving Caihong’s life would elevate me again. I didn’t know that she would…that she would die. I tried to hide among the ladies, disappear. I never wanted to go to the emperor’s bed. I wanted him to forget about me. Every day since I first entered the Forbidden City, I have lived in fear. Fear of being discovered. Fear of being put to death for deceiving his majesty. I don’t know how I ended up here.”
I look at Huiyin, waiting for her to say something, anything. Surprisingly, I’m not crying. I don’t regret opening up to her. I only feel relief, like a heavy boulder that had been crushing me is lifted from my chest and I can breathe for the first time in over a year.
Huiyin watches me for another long moment. Finally, she takes my hand again. “You ended up here because it is where you are supposed to be,” she says.
Now I do let out a small sob. “Do you really think so?”
She nods. “You just saved China from a war. How can you think that you are supposed to be anywhere else?”
I pull her to me in a tight hug. I cry. I let out long, heaving sobs, sobs I have held inside for so long. I cry for my family. I still miss them so much. I miss knowing where they are and what they are doing. I miss knowing if they are safe. I cry for the fear I have felt every single day. I cry for the friends I have made here: Huiyin, Suyin, Yanmei, Jinhai. I cry for my children, Dongmei and Jingfei. I cry for Caihong. I cry for Honghui. Finally, I cry for myself. I don’t want to die. As much as I hate to admit it, I love my life. I am happy, I am surrounded by love. I am safe and comfortable.
I cry because I am about to lose everything all over again.
When I was chosen as a concubine, my life with my family, my life as a Han Chinese, was over. It was not much of a life. I was poor with no marriage prospects. But it was my life, the only one I knew. I thought that I would never recover. That I would never find a new place in the world. But I was wrong. I found a new place, a place among the Manchu. Life is not perfect, and I am still conflicted over considering Manchu people my
family after all they have done to the people of China. But it is the only life I have. The one I built from nothing. The thought of now losing all I have for the second time is a pain so deep, I think it might be better to die after all.
Huiyin finally pulls away from me. She picks up the cloth and wipes my face. “There, there,” she says kindly and with a smile, “it is not right for the empress to weep so.”
I chuckle. “You still think I’m an empress?”
“Yes,” she says without hesitation. “You are the empress because Heaven wills it. If you die, you should die knowing that you fulfilled your great purpose. And if you don’t die, it is because Heaven has a plan for you yet still.”
A shiver runs down my spine at her words. I think she must be right. Many times, I have only been able to credit Heaven for my rise to empress. It certainly was not because I wanted it. If Huiyin can see that as well, then it must be true.
I take a few breaths to calm myself. “Thank you,” I say. “I have wanted to tell someone that for so long.”
“I am honored that you put your trust in me, your majesty,” she says. She then turns my face to her again. “Now, can we make you presentable? The general and Prince Honghui will not want to be kept waiting forever.”
I nod and let my features relax. I do not know what will happen next, but I will face it with my head held high.
25
When my makeup is finally done, Huiyin styles my hair and helps me dress, which is not easy with my arm bandaged the way it is. I try to wear a pair of pot-bottom shoes, but the pain in my hip makes it impossible to balance. I have to settle for a pair of silk slippers, which makes my robe drag along the floor. I’m certain I look more ridiculous than regal, but there’s no help for it.
Huiyin then escorts me to the main audience hall. I am terribly nervous, my stomach fluttering and clenching in turn. Prince Honghui is waiting for me, and I have no idea how he is going to react. I expect him to be furious.
