Franco, why you ain’t teach them this caiso instead?
Support local culture, all you listen to this:
[Sings]
When the highway open, please drive with care …
FRANCO
One calypso of yours wrecks a lifetime of grammar. [To EUPHONY] How are you, Miss Euphony?
LIMER
[Singing to himself]
Remember, it will always have somebody there …
EUPHONY
Otto went to the bank bright and early this morning, trying to get an extension on his overdraft. He wants to see you. What a pity about that old samaan tree.
FRANCO
As the little monkeys got nearer, I made them switch to my favorite barcarole, and it was all for your benefit, Euphony. A bouquet of voices to present to my betrothed. Now, may I …
LIMER
Otto close down credit.
FRANCO
Cockroach!
[The LIMER exits]
EUPHONY
You go have to pay cash, eh, Mr. Franco? I’m sorry.
FRANCO
Did you hear all that shooting last night? What is this country coming to? Where’s “Because”?
EUPHONY
Sumintra has resigned. She too insubordinate.
FRANCO
You find so? She began every sentence with a subordinate clause.
EUPHONY
You have any chalk? The last set finish.
FRANCO
[Rummaging in pockets] My pockets are full of paper. Little notes to myself. Memoranda. To make order of life. [Removing one, opening it] Here’s one from yesterday: “Franco, be firm.” Then: “Trim moustache.” Every pocket is like a bird’s nest. Ah, chalk! In Technicolor. I suggest a swap. Four bits of colored chalk in exchange for a cold Peardrax. By the way, Pride and Prejudice is showing at the Taj Mahal Cinema this afternoon. Are you free?
[EUPHONY goes to the counter, returns with a Peardrax]
EUPHONY
You know my position. You remember the last time, Mr. Knee-rubber? I told you over and over that I am engaged to Alwyn Davies, Merchant Seaman. Miner.
FRANCO
How do you know he’s not dead? Disappeared? Dark chap in the mines?
EUPHONY
Alwyn will return.
FRANCO
But Pride and Prejudice may not. They nearly censored it. They thought it was about race. [Examines a piece of chalk. Hands it to EUPHONY] My life smells of chalk. [EUPHONY is writing out the menu on a blackboard] Yes. I was a city boy. I had contempt for the country, I called it bush, and so on. But when my ailing mother needed a change of air and I applied for a transfer to a rural school, I chose Couva. The leaves of its forest were my dictionary. They cut it down. My mother died. You know. Sad, sad. They are pulping our forests to print editorials which our commentators mispronounce. I call them “desers” and “dosers.” Bulldozing the forest and the English language. Know what I do? I practice reading the news, very fast. Listen. I listen to those BBC chaps on the seven o’clock news, and after studying them, I know I can do as well. [Picks up newspaper, muttering rapidly, then paces, peers at her handwriting] Lovely! Next time, instead of black and white, it can be color: pink chalk for the ham, green chalk for the lettuce, yellow chalk for the mustard. They call me fussy, but with Couva waiting in the dawn of technology, my dear, I feel destined for greater things. We must take risks!
EUPHONY
Would you risk life and limb for me? Be here tonight, around midnight. Don’t let anybody see.
FRANCO
I understand completely. Your patience is over. Waiting for the miner. NO, wait! When the time comes, you can tell me all. But I must warn you of one thing. I have small calves and narrow ankles. I’m fit, but to spare you any surprise tonight … [Rolls up his trouser leg] I have ankles so delicate the schoolboys call me Macaroni Socks. Meaning that my shins could be sheathed in a noodle.
EUPHONY
I’ll put it on the menu.
[OTTO enters]
OTTO
Exposing yourself again, eh, Eldridge? The children out there reciting by themselves. What happen, you put them on automatic? Well, usual story. I go in to the bank manager. His head down. Mongroo’s cousin, of course. The whole of Couva is Mongroo cousin. This man who had one merino and one khaki-pants. He press a buzzer and a thin-foot girl in a cardigan come in. “Miss ‘whatever-she-name-is,’ bring in Mr. Hogan’s statement, will you, dear?” You think your ankles thin? Is toothpick time. I look all round the office from embarrassment. A souvenir from Canada on his desk. A picture of he, he wife, and about fourteen children waving in Disneyland, until Miss Toothpick bring in the statement and ask, “Will that be all?” I grinding my teeth inaudibly. “Will That Be All?” Of course it must be all. Where I getting more from? So she open the office door and gone out, though she could a’ slide between the crack. And the ex-cow-minder look up and say, “Mr. Hogan, your overdraft have pneumonia.” It take me ten minutes to get the joke. Overdraft. Pneumonia. “I’m afraid not. We can’t grant you an extension. If you can’t come up with the final mortgage payments by the end of the month, I’m afraid we might have to take steps.” Take steps. He who used was to walk behind cow with a stick. “That’s it, of course,” the cow-jucker smile, “unless you choose to sell.” Sure. And he and his cousin buy the place, of course. I look at the desk, and I see he, he wife, and the fourteen children waving from Disneyland, as if I was Mickey Mouse. He take me to the door, give me a big smile, and a nod as a bonus, and say, “We hope to hear from you soon.” I leave there feeling like a Third World country. So, from now on, Hogan have a new economic policy. Thrift! I pinching every penny till it screaming. Credit cancel, and chalk return. Euphony, let me see Mr. Franco’s statement. [EUPHONY hands him a piece of brown paper] Learn to work the cash register! Them piece-of-brown-paper-and-pencil-accounting days done! [Reads the paper fragment] E. Franco. Account. Six Peardrax, dinner mints, a beef roti [Raises his eyebrows], and a bottle of sherry?…
FRANCO
For my fortieth birthday and seventeen years teaching.
OTTO
Happy birthday, but credit done from today, hear? My heart too soft. My customers want shopping mall, plaza. Not this. People ain’t want these little country shops no more, Franco. Couva been changing right on the edge of the cane fields. Everywhere I looked I should’ve seen the signs. My head was too busy inside some old car engine to notice. But coming back I see, though: LU FATT small Chinee take-away fry-rice? CATHAY EMPORIUM, HIGHWAY TAKE-AWAY. BRADFORD Old Shoe Repair? TIMES SQUARE LEATHER LOUNGE, WE HEEL YOU FAST. So how about OTTO AUTOMATIC CHICKEN, neon sign, day and night? Two exclamation points and a big red cock. I ain’t know from where. Meanwhile, them caterpillar tractors from Mongroo Construction eating dirt and shitting cement. Big four-lane highway through Couva. Going where? I ask you. Quo fucking vadis?
EUPHONY
Otto, if you say one more bad word, I going inside.
OTTO
No shit?
[EUPHONY exits]
FRANCO
I have given your sister an ultimatum.
OTTO
Good. Her birthday is next month. Next time give her a bunch of enthusiasms. Give her a whole basket. You don’t know Euphony, old man. If she could wait for the Second Coming, you think ten little years will bother her?
FRANCO
There’s nothing more sensual than fidelity, don’t you think?
OTTO
How the hell you could ask me that? What the hell you mean by that? [Shouts] Drusilla! Get up!
FRANCO
I mean I’m talking about natural things. The birds and the bees.
OTTO
Country life! Eh? Birds and the bees! Never mind the birds and the bees. You ain’t playing you bold, nuh? Want to hear where I get my nectar? I get it from an artificial-flower shop in Tunapuna. Birds and the bees.
FRANCO
I know who you mean, you old rasc
al, you! Mitzi Almandoz! Right? The plump redskin lady who was secretary on the Borough Council. So, she’s in good old Tunapuna with a flower shop, hey? Probably with all those bouquets she caught as a bridesmaid.
OTTO
Look, Franco, I ain’t so sure you’re the right man for my kid sister.
FRANCO
She is forty-five.
OTTO
And a virgin, too.
FRANCO
How do you know that?
OTTO
LOOK, MR. PEARDRAX, GET OUT ME PARLOUR!
FRANCO
You think your bad temper terrifies me? I’m not the Borough Council. I refused Mongroo’s bribe, too, but life goes on. The highway goes on. Anyway, you ass, she’d be a load off your back.
OTTO
Let me bear my cross like a ass. Let me carry her on my back from here to Jerusalem. And you could come and kiss that same ass, Judas, because I know that behind my back, in that secret ballot, you voted for the highway. You no better than the rest.
FRANCO
How you know, if it’s a secret ballot? The monkey the Mayor opened his mouth, nuh?
OTTO
It’s an open secret that you voted aye.
FRANCO
So vote nay or vote abstain, in the Mickey Mouse Borough Council all of us in, and what difference it makes? We are crushed by a monolith. To these big corporations we are just Mickey Mice.
OTTO
I am not no Mickey Mouse!
FRANCO
No, you make more noise, so you’re Donald Duck. But nobody gives a blast what you’re saying, because you’re talking dialect. You “deseing” and “doseing.”
OTTO
So, do what? Hustle and bribe, run a big racket like the deal between the highway and the Borough Council? My father ain’t bring us up so. Who you think I am?
FRANCO
A giant of integrity, a Hercules of industry, a mechanical genius, the spirit of his country, a solid citizen, a person of unquestioned and unquestioning probity, but a Donald among ducks! Just sign the blasted contract and forget! Your soul is a little bird crying in the forest, Otto. You’re living in the past, and what you need to wake you up is a blasted bomb!
[A terrific crash outside. OTTO and FRANCO go to the window. DRUSILLA enters in nightie and curlers]
DRUSILLA
What happened?
FRANCO
An accident. Morning, Drusilla. The first for the highway!
Punch the crash register! Ha-ha!
DRUSILLA
[Yawning] A accident? That’s what you all woke me up for?
[Sits at a table. EUPHONY runs in]
EUPHONY
Schoolchildren screaming, scattering like chickens, and next thing I look out and see a television car parked in the trench. Somebody move the red warning lantern on the side of the hole?
OTTO
Right.
[DRUSILLA goes to the window]
EUPHONY
Why?
OTTO
You would eat in a café mark DANGER?
DRUSILLA
Lord, I can’t believe it! Is a television vehicle. Television brought right up to my door! I can’t believe it! Look he’s—[Squeals with ecstasy] Oh, my God, it’s Cedric! Cedric Hart, the newscaster! I should go and change! My hair! Oh, my heavens …
EUPHONY
Bring the damn iodine, girl. If he dead he ain’t go see you.
Which is more important? His life or your looks?
DRUSILLA
My looks! No, his life! I mean, how he looks at life! Have you seen his smile?
OTTO
He ain’t smiling now. Run and get the iodine, girl. And sell him something, Euphony. Dead or alive, he’s a customer. Run!
[DRUSILLA exits]
FRANCO
DRUSILLA, BRING A BROOM! I think he broke his arm.
EUPHONY
Run and help him, Otto.
OTTO
Why? He’s a grown man, he can walk. Now the damn Cortina block the whole entrance and nobody could come in. [Going out] Ay, mister, move your vehicle from in front my parlour, please! Or I go charge you for parking. [Exits]
FRANCO
You mark my words, Otto Hogan! I know that from this minute, this accident, our fortunes will be changed!
[OTTO enters, supporting CEDRIC. FRANCO whips off his jacket, loosens his tie, rolls up his sleeves]
CEDRIC
Who the hell dug that big trench on the side of the road?
OTTO
The Borough Council, boy. I suggest you sue them. Congratulations! You the first victim of the highway, friend! What can I get you? We have hops and salami, hops and shark, mauby, ginger beer—old-time ginger beer made by my sister.
EUPHONY
[Curtsies] Euphony Hogan, from Toco Village, my pleasure.
OTTO
You just, just miss Sumintra. The Couva nightingale. But Eldridge here have a real strong voice. So you see, you ain’t so bad-lucky … Lie down!
CEDRIC
I don’t want to lie down. Goddamn it!
FRANCO
I’ve put up the operating table. Rest him here, Otto. [He suddenly rips off a tablecloth, shreds it between his teeth]
EUPHONY
Eldridge, you crazy? My good tablecloth?
FRANCO
He’s delirious. The broom! Broom, broom. Where is the blasted broom?
[DRUSILLA, in a headscarf and dress, runs on with a broom and a bottle of iodine]
DRUSILLA
Is he hurt? Oh, my God, is his smile all right? Can you smile through it all? Is there anything I can do? Anything? Don’t hurt his smile …
EUPHONY
You could go back and change; your dress back-to-front.
[DRUSILLA shrieks, exits. FRANCO lays the broom across two chairs, breaks the handle with his foot, then crosses over to CEDRIC, lifts up his arm, and, with the broom handle and the torn cloth, makes a splint]
FRANCO
Pin him down, Otto.
CEDRIC
[Slowly] What the hell are you doing?
EUPHONY
Don’t curse, please. I gone. [Exits]
FRANCO
That arm could be broken. I’m making a splint. Never mind, young man, I’m an officer in the Couva Secondary Cadet Force.
OTTO
I tell the sign painter mark DRIVE IN, DASH, then FAST FOOD SERVICE. Not he! DRIVE-IN FAST, a big comma, FOOD SERVICE.
FRANCO
So you’re in a coma because of a comma.
[DRUSILLA enters, changed]
OTTO
So how you like my niece, me dead brother child? You have a job for her? She love television.
[EUPHONY returns]
EUPHONY
You all stop cursing? I bring some bush tea.
DRUSILLA
Will Blake an’ Linda ever get married?
CEDRIC
Blake will get a serious social disease. Linda will nurse him through thick and thin. Tune in next week. I intend to sue. How long you had this place?
EUPHONY
Drink the tea, please, mister.
OTTO
How long I have this place? Years. The air went out my career and left me with car. Plus, with a name like Otto … Lift the arm now. Lift it. Fast. [CEDRIC shoots his arm up] Heil Hitler! Sue all you want! I ain’t got a cent. You mash up a flourishing business. You know that? I will sue you.
CEDRIC
How much to fix it? Not my elbow. The car?
OTTO
As a mechanic, I would say incalculable.
CEDRIC
But I should charge you. You had a dangerous entrance sign.
OTTO
You mash up part of my wall, sir.
CEDRIC
And your wall gave me a concussion.
EUPHONY
Drink the tea.
OTTO
I not charging you for the concussion.
EUPHONY
<
br /> No tea? Okay. Good country remedy. Okay.
CEDRIC
We’re starting an independent channel next month. Are you interested in taking out an ad? We’d be even.
DRUSILLA
Oh, Uncle, take it! Take out the ad!
OTTO
Hold on, hold on, girl.
FRANCO
[To CEDRIC] A independent channel?
CEDRIC
That’s correct, Mr.…
FRANCO
Franco. E.
OTTO
B.A. [Silence] No dice.
CEDRIC
I’m here to do a special called Country Roads, about all she represents, this Mysterious Stranger who comes out of the bush. About the old beliefs, before they all vanish into television. So here’s my offer, Hogan: Deduct the cost of the wall from the cost of the crash, and throw in the tablecloth …
EUPHONY
And the broom handle …
CEDRIC
And the broom handle. And we’re square.
OTTO
But look at how Drusilla staring at this man!?
EUPHONY
Well, this is your penalty for banning her from watching TV. Her daydream come true.
OTTO
[Draws closer to DRUSILLA] But just check out the way she watching this man! Drusilla, face life! You’re a sweet country girl. The first redskin man from town you go fall for? You can’t do better?
DRUSILLA
I like the way your mouth moves saying the news. Do it for me. “This is the Six o’Clock News. Cedric Hart reporting.” Do it for me, please.
CEDRIC
I in pain, woman!
DRUSILLA
What happened to the accent?
CEDRIC
If I say it just once, you go leave me alone? [In an American accent] This is the Six o’Clock News. Cedric Hart reporting.
DRUSILLA
[Collapsing onto a chair] Oh, Father, I’ll faint. “This is the Six…” My God! “This is the Six…” Oh!
CEDRIC
You do it pretty well. Would you like a job? The pay isn’t much, but you’ll be sitting next to me.
DRUSILLA
A job? Where? On TV? Sitting down next to you? Me, an anchorette?
CEDRIC
Sure. I’m recruiting fresh talent.
DRUSILLA
That’s it. Just hold on, Cedric. I’ll be right back. [Exits]
EUPHONY
Drusilla? Drusilla! Where you off to, young woman? [Exits, after DRUSILLA]
OTTO
Oh, that’s nice. Mash up your car, mash up my family. I got to thank this highway for plenty. That’s nice. My cook gone. My niece going. My housee mash-up-ee. [Lisping like a baby] Thath vewwy nithe. You want to take anything else?
Three Plays: The Last Carnival; Beef, No Chicken; and A Branch of the Blue Nile Page 9
