OTTO
No current so no matter. Wait! SISTER dear! [EUPHONY returns. To LIMER] What is this I hearing? Task force? Lunch?
LIMER
Your sister give me work. The men down the highway. They eating up Miss Euphony food like … Your cash register red-hot! You make three hundred dollars. Your worries done!
OTTO
Eating up Miss Euphony food? Sit down, woman! Sit down! While I been breaking my back out there in the garage, you here in the front putting food in my enemy mouth irregardless of my principles?
EUPHONY
So how the hell you think we been eating? And pay last month’s mortgage, and buy the groceries? Wake up! Wake up! Your principles going to kill you! And I go have to pay for the funeral! I was trying to make cuts. Cold cuts! Budget cuts!
OTTO
You see why I ain’t married? Well, you take that three hundred dollars and take a taxi to Toco by tonight. Go. [To LIMER] You self! Move!
[LIMER walks to the door as FRANCO enters, and, as usual, pauses at the door]
LIMER
Don’t go in there, Franco! [Exits]
FRANCO
Today is the day. Today, you shall give me your answer, or be prepared to stand the consequences. Hello, Otto.
OTTO
Hello, Otto, my arse! You owe me for a case of Peardrax. And you’re welcome to that interfering bitch over there. [Exits]
EUPHONY
Interfering bitch? I am going back to Toco!
FRANCO
You jest! Cruel virgin! You jest.
EUPHONY
I jest what?
FRANCO
I’ll fling myself in front of a tractor. I shall do something desperate. I warned you. This is my ultimatum!
EUPHONY
[Exploding] You go right ahead and do something desperate. You’re a man! Well, what the hell you want me to do? Get married because I’m tired of being a laughingstock? So we could go to a lot of matinees? The last time I went, you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself.
FRANCO
What picture was that?
EUPHONY
What picture? War and Peace. I spent the whole picture fighting. Eldridge, I am tired of your harassing me. Tired. I accept.
FRANCO
Not so fast, not so fast. Let me have a Peardrax?
EUPHONY
My brother has thrown me out of his house for a principle. My own brother! Like something he picked up under a shoe, and you want a Peardrax? I am going inside, I am packing my things, I am accepting your proposal very quietly. I am in need of a place to stay overnight, which, if you are serious, will be your place, so, Mr. Franco, you can now have a Peardrax and a wife. Wait for me to pack. [Pauses] Drusilla gone with my damn suitcase!
FRANCO
I was moving in here to help Otto.
[OTTO enters]
OTTO
You still here? I say you in Toco by now! People have gall, yes! That’s all I can say. Some people have gall, the rest have stones, but some have both, and you know who I mean? The Couva Borough Council. Too much dust from the highway, so the Mayor can’t use his office for an emergency meeting, so guess where they insist on holding this meeting?
FRANCO
I know. It was my proposal. They’ll be here momentarily.
OTTO
[To God] You know, I can’t believe you would do me this? Weren’t my father a deacon? Didn’t he serve you all his days? [To FRANCO] Who de arse give you the right to use my blasted place to hold any blasted Borough Council meeting, Franco? Close up the café! We close for business.
EUPHONY
Well, it’s too late now, because they are here. The Mayor, Lai-Fook, Mongroo, and who is the red woman?
FRANCO
A Mrs. Almandoz.
OTTO
Mitzi?
FRANCO
The recording secretary. I thought she had resigned.
EUPHONY
Who is this Mitzi?
FRANCO
Your brother’s goodies, I believe.
OTTO
Mitzi can’t take shorthand.
FRANCO
We’ll talk slowly.
EUPHONY
So that is the Mitzi, eh? The flower-shop widow? She look sprightly. Spring in her step, and her flowered hat buzzing with the birds and the bees. Well, if she so dress up, I could dress up, too. I going to take a bridal shower, and we’ll see who gets married first. [Exits. The MAYOR enters with the council and LIMER]
OTTO
Well, Mr. Mayor; well, Mr. Betrayer! I see you have distinguished our place with your presence. Well, when you cut that ribbon is my throat you cutting.
MITZI
Lord, this place dusty. Is that from the highway? [To OTTO] Hello, Tiger.
OTTO
[Growls welcome] Mrs. Almandoz.
MAYOR
Mr. Hogan. Your resignation has not been accepted. It is still being processed. Too much dust in the office so Franco invite us here. I drag Mr. Lai-Fook from his bakery for this emergency meeting. Now, shall we sit down and iron out our differences?
OTTO
My sister using the iron. How you doing, Mongroo? A next new suit?
MONGROO
I sweat a lot.
OTTO
Cold or hot? I should throw all you arse out, but is a public place. I will take your orders, gentlemen.
MONGROO
You bet you go take we orders when you hear what happen, and my first order to you is to take this envelope.
OTTO
No, thank you.
MONGROO
It will be here on this table. You want to start this meeting, Hernando? I have to make the airport for a flight to Fort Lauderdale.
OTTO
You fleeing the country? Who go finish the road?
MONGROO
Mr. Mayor, you ready? You have forty-one minutes.
MAYOR
On the way over I noticed that we’re short of a quorum by one. However, the constitution provides for the presence of one ad hoc member from the municipality, any citizen who pays taxes, by common consent of the council, to protect the interest of the electorate. [To LIMER] Sonny, what’s your name again?
LIMER
Radio.
MAYOR
ALL RIGHT! Radio, boy, lift up your antenna and swear to uphold and protect the laws and by-laws of the Couva Borough Council. All in favor say aye, “Aye,” good, get a chair and sit down at the back here, vote, and shut up. Everybody agree? Mrs. Almandoz, just put down his name as representing the taxpayers, and we could start, all right? Tell the lady your name, boy.
LIMER
Radio.
MITZI
That’s what they call you?
LIMER
Off and on. Is really Mighty Radio, but I thinking of switching over to TV. In fact, I glad all you reach, because I just finish this caiso, Your Excellency …
MAYOR
Your Honour.
LIMER
Your Excellency Your Honour, for when the highway open.
[Sings]
When the highway open please drive with care.
Remember, it will always have somebody there.
Buses, taxis, and trucks will be on that stretch,
so don’t cuss nobody and don’t get vex.
Remember, life, my friends, is like an open road,
so please keep strict observance of the Highway Code.
FRANCO
Feeble. Sit down. [Pelting him with chalk]
LIMER
Fock you, Franco! You feel you is Shakespeare? And watch the chalk.
MAYOR
Gentlemen, this is our last meeting before the official opening of the highway. Mr. Hogan has claimed that there is a loophole, and that the highway is illegal because we need his signature. At this late stage.
MONGROO
The highway is legal. Loophole, my arse! The people want it; it was legally tendered.
O
TTO
I know all about them tenders from reliable sources.
LAI-FOOK
Well, that is your business, Otto. Pepper sauces, reliable sources. Ha ha, and so on.
FRANCO
Can we please call this meeting to order? We must begin with the minutes. This has to go to Cabinet! We need the letter for Cabinet.
MAYOR
Look, Hogan. What you wanted me to do? Vote against the highway to support your little broken-down garage?
OTTO
How you could vote against it, when you planning a taxi business between Couva and south?
LAI-FOOK
But what this man want, Lord?
MONGROO
He want a good swift kick in his arse.
FRANCO
Mr. Mongroo! There’s a lady present.
MITZI
Thank you.
MAYOR
The envelope is waiting. We would hate to prosecute.
OTTO
You mean either I take the bribe or you’ll prosecute me?
MONGROO
Take the damn money, nuh, Otto. All your problems solved! Too besides, we have some incriminating evidence, right, Mr. Mayor?
MAYOR
The whole point is you making the Mayor-royalty look ridiculous! Mongroo threatening to seize the Town Hall furnitures because of a back debt. He have bailiffs hovering like corbeaux outside it. I, or we, use some of the money to stave off the repossession. Not for myself. Well, a few dollars. You go hang me for that?
MONGROO
Grow up! The projection was a forty percent drop off in business sales should the highway pass us by. That is for small businessmen. Not so with the Mongroo Mall, not with the mall at all at the clover overpass. We came to you, hat in hand, to be partner in it. And I say “hat in hand” again, “hat in hand” à propos your future, Hogan. We have a silent but surprising witness. Hat time, Hernando!
MAYOR
Not yet. You signing?
OTTO
No.
MAYOR
This man head is a quarry?
FRANCO
[Leaping up] Your Honour, may I point out that this whole meeting is wholly unconstitutional since we have not read the minutes? [Sits] Thank you.
LIMER
This is politics? Is great!
MAYOR
All right, Mr. Franco. Minutes. Can we have the minutes, Mrs. Almandoz?
LAI-FOOK
No minutes, no minutes, we ain’t have time. I have bread in the oven.
MAYOR
Since Councillor Lai-Fook have bread in the oven, minutes taken as read and passed. All in favor, aye.
ALL [except OTTO]
Aye.
MAYOR
Got that, Mrs. Almandoz?
MITZI
Sir.
MAYOR
Anything arising out of the minutes?
OTTO
I …
MAYOR
We’re not voting, Mr. Hogan. You can’t say “aye” yet.
OTTO
Who voting?
FRANCO
You can’t say aye unless a motion is made.
MONGROO
I have a plane to catch!
OTTO
[Standing] I am arising out of the minutes.
MAYOR
Mrs. Almandoz?
MITZI
Your Excellency?
MAYOR
“Your Honour,” “Your Honour,” not “Your Excellency.” Not yet. Read that back. I’m confused.
MITZI
From where?
MAYOR
From right where you are.
MITZI
From what part of the transcript?
MAYOR
Oh. From. From … from … ahmmm.
MITZI
From “Anything arising out of the minutes”?
MAYOR
Okay, okay. Sorry, Mr. Mongroo.
MONGROO
Oh, that’s okay, okay. That is democracy. Patient and precise … Your Honour Jesus Christ Almighty.
MITZI
[Reading] “Mr. Mayor: ‘Anything arising out of the minutes?’” [Peering at her notes]
LAI-FOOK
Minutes does take long.
MITZI
[Reading] Tiger, I mean “Mr. Hogan: ‘Aye.’ His Honour: ‘We’re not voting, Mr. Hogan.’ Mr. Hogan: ‘Who voting?’” That gentleman over there with the bow tie and moustache …
FRANCO
[Patiently] Eldridge Franco.
MITZI
“Mr. Franco: ‘You can’t say aye unless a motion is made.’”
Tiger, I mean “Mr. Hogan: ‘I am arising out of the minutes.’”
MAYOR
Hurry up, please, Mrs. Almandoz.
LAI-FOOK
Minutes does take days. [Sniffing the air] My bread burn.
MITZI
“Mr. Mayor: ‘Your Honour?’ Your Honour: ‘Read that back. I’m confused.’”
MAYOR
That’s it right there? We stopped at “I’m confused”?
FRANCO
You said, “I am confused.”
MITZI
No, Mr. Franco. Sorry. I have “I’m confused.”
FRANCO
Well, let’s not go into a coma over a comma. That was lovely, Mrs. Almandoz.
MITZI
Thank you, Mr. Franco.
FRANCO
Not just your stenography, but your whole manner.
OTTO
Write that, too, nuh. I am still waiting, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR
So we got as far as “I am” or “I’m confused.”
MONGROO
Democracy is for white people, yes. [The LIMER rises] You go sing or what?
LIMER
Where is the gentlemen, Mr. Hogan?
FRANCO
Where are the gentlemen, stupid!
LIMER
I mean the bathroom. I ain’t see none here.
OTTO
Round the back, boy. But my sister bathing, so watch it.
LIMER
Is that an order? [Exits through the door]
FRANCO
Cockroach.
LAI-FOOK
She shouldn’t bathe after she iron.
MITZI
Your Honour, may I put in my nickel’s worth? How much is a nickel?
LAI-FOOK
Five cents.
FRANCO
Five cents, ten cents, let the blasted woman talk!
MITZI
I do not relish being referred to as the “blasted woman.”
FRANCO
Torrential apologies. My profuse pardons. My mind was in the shower. I don’t trust that chap. When I think of him watching the water cascading down her bosom, when …
MITZI
I see no harm in Mr. Hogan making a compromise with the Mongroo Construction Company when there are only his selfish principles at stake. I have not seen Mr. Hogan for two weeks now, and … I’m worried that …
OTTO
Woman!
MITZI
You know these days you’ve been very dyspeptic.
OTTO
Because I can’t keep up with your appetite.
MITZI
[Icily] My appetite is quite normal, thank you. Quite normal. A little satisfaction is all I ask. Is that ab-normal, gentlemen?
ALL
Right! Okay with me! True, true! You right, girl!
MITZI
Mr. Franco?
FRANCO
Mrs. Almandoz?
MITZI
[To FRANCO] Stop staring at my chest. It is very distracting, Mr. Franco.
FRANCO
It was not your chest, Mrs. Almandoz, but rather your brooch. As I stared at it, I was thinking of two lines from Oliver Goldsmith. The brooch, being gold, aroused my recollection. Goldsmith says, in “The Deserted Village” …
MONGROO
Goldsmith, tinsmith! Look, this ain�
��t no time for no poetry. I have a plane to catch by six. Otto. Otto, Jeez an ages! Try and understand this go be to your own benefit! The government sending us a set of hysterical statistics, but is a fact that right now, in America, it have more people making hamburgers than making cars. Think about that, Otto. The fast-food industry making more billions than the fast-car industry, McDonald’s is bigger than Chrysler, and I think that there is a lesson in that for any business incentive. People tend to eat more during inflation because they feel the food go finish.
MAYOR
You mean they rather get gas than buy it.
OTTO
We are not Americans! But, give us time …
FRANCO
That idler is taking rather a long time in there. When I think of her lathering her …
MONGROO
Look, I tired eating chicken. Let we eat steak. How you so surprised? All over the world this happening, man. Bribery is the first stage of economic development. Oh, Jesus, is no big thing that my company deliberately order the wrong size pipe to drag out the contract, and that in the process some bread change hands, the right hand supposed to feed the left, one … [Demonstrates] hand can’t clap, and so forth. That does happen in big country, too, so is a sign of progress. Them old-time five-dollar, ten-dollar days is colonial bribery. This is the big time, man, and to me, the bigger the graft, the surer the economic health of the country!
LAI-FOOK
You too old to be a Communist, Hogan.
MAYOR
Look! I ain’t want to get up in the morning and see a set of cane, and two, three cow parked in the pasture. I know all that. I grow up with that. Nah! I want to get up and hear car horn, not cow horn, I want to hear traffic jam blowing, not sheep, I want to see industrial smoke, not trash fires, I want to fight pollution, to be a mayor with real problems, not who animal knock down who fence, because progress and pollution go hand in hand, and I would feel proud to be a part and parcel of twentieth-century issues and problems, blight, crime, scandal, welfare, all that! Because Couva would be right up there with them, taking its rightful place among the great cities of the world. Shit! That, to me, is vision. Not looking up some cow backside like I used was to do.
MONGROO
You can’t see it? Clover-leaf overpass, maybe even a toll booth, rest area, and if you’re smart, you mechanic, a big O for Otto’s. Beefburgers, cheeseburgers, the entire enchilada like a mini-Miami, no more roast corn by the side of the road, no more …
FRANCO
I hope she had the sense to draw the shower curtains.
MONGROO
[Spreads out a blueprint in front of OTTO] … shrimp stands, oysters, all those Third World shacks, but just the highway humming south, and the cars curling in here, right in here, you giggler, for an old-fashioned roti, if you’ll approve this layout that I had my own PR do at my personal cost. So don’t think you’re neglected, Hogan. You’re part of the scheme. [In dialect] Man, sign the focking thing; excuse me, Your Honour.
Three Plays: The Last Carnival; Beef, No Chicken; and A Branch of the Blue Nile Page 11
