by Nicole Casey
I laughed.
“I’m not pregnant.”
“When was your last period?”
I blinked, the smile fading from my lips.
“What?” I asked dumbly, my mind racing. “What?”
“What was the first day of your last period?”
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. MY. GOD!
“I…I’ll have to check,” I gasped. I was going to pass out.
“I’ll have the nurse bring you a urine cup. It’s a simple test and we’ll do a blood panel but let me have a look at you.”
She pointed at the bed and I uneasily rose to my feet and ambled toward the table.
Three months. I hadn’t had a single period since moving to San Francisco. How could I have not noticed something like that?
“Lay down.”
I obliged and she lifted my blouse out of my shirt.
“Are your breasts sore?”
I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Lower back is aching?”
I nodded again, tears filling my eyes.
She gently pressed around my abdomen.
“Your belly is swelling—I can tell. I won’t say for sure, Ms. Mavis but I have good sense that you’re going to have a baby.”
I didn’t hear much of anything she said after that—how could I? The roaring in my ears made it impossible.
Dr. Stiles left and a nurse came and showed me to a bathroom. I managed to pee into the cup and as I had already known, the test declared me with child.
“There are labs on the main floor,” the nurse explained crisply. “You can get a full blood panel done there when you’re done here to ensure you don’t have any infections. According to what you’ve told the doctor, you’re already entering your second trimester so you’ve already missed out on crucial early care. You’ll need prenatal vitamins for starters.”
Why were they all talking so much? I was being bombarded with information, none of which was sinking in.
I was grateful when the nurse left but my elation was short-lived when Dr. Stiles returned with more things to tell me.
“You’re going to need an ObGyn if you choose to have this baby,” she told me, her voice much gentler than it had been at the beginning. “This is something you’ll need to discuss with the father of course and…”
Again, her voice was out of my head and a whole other disaster presented itself in my mind.
I had to tell Mal about the baby.
I had to tell my parents that I was pregnant with Mal’s baby.
The Lauriers were going to be the grandparents of my baby. They were going to find out too.
Grayson was going to find out about the baby…and Ella, of course.
The entire damned world was going to know about the baby.
“Blake, did you hear me?”
I looked up at her, my face pale. I hadn’t heard anything.
“Is this something you think you can do? There are support groups—”
“Yes, I can do this.”
I was on my feet and heading toward the door, my head spinning. Having an abortion was not an option. It wasn’t something I thought I could go through with, even though until that moment, I’d never considered what I’d ever do in such a position. Girls like me, girls who stayed virgins until they were twenty-one, did not get pregnant unexpectedly by the high school prom king.
I had a career ahead of me, a life in the field I wanted to work. And now, I was going to be a mom. A broke, jobless mom.
Mal and I would be like Grayson and Ella, living in some hovel on the wrong side of the tracks, raising a kid on pennies.
I made my way onto the street before I even knew it and sank against the brick of the medical building.
No, I told myself firmly. No. We’re both college graduates. The baby will not starve.
But was that really what my problem was with the situation? The fact that I was going to lose my prestigious job, the one where I had envisioned retiring from, maybe as lead researcher one day? Or was it something else?
Mal and I had agreed not to be together because of our families. We knew that they would ultimately drive us apart if we tried it. Hell, we couldn’t even stop ourselves from getting into it with each other when the subject of our siblings arose.
How could we possibly bring a child into this mess? The kid would be entrenched in endless squabbling, its grandparents and aunt and uncle pitted against one another. It wasn’t healthy for anyone.
But Mal still needed to know about his baby. We just needed to keep it from our families.
I was being naïve. There was no way that I could tell Mal about this. The truth would come out in the long run, even if it took years. It would be worse if it took years. I had to hide the paternity of this kid from everyone, including his father.
I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t thinking clearly and that I couldn’t make any decisions which was probably true.
But even when I walked all the way home, the entire ten miles to my cozy little apartment in Dogpatch, I had not changed my mind.
I wasn’t going to tell Mal about the baby. It wasn’t just for my sanity and the baby’s but I couldn’t expect Mal to drop out of his master’s program to care for us. It wasn’t fair—neither of us asked for this. I was carrying the baby—I didn’t have any choice but he did. Maybe when he was done with school, maybe then I would tell him and explain why I’d done it. He would have to understand then.
No, Mal had to be kept in the dark for everyone’s sake.
But how was I going to hide the truth?
11
Mal
Six and a Half Years Ago
I stared at Ella in stunned silence.
“What?” I said, unable to comprehend what she’d just said. “Are you sure?”
My sister shrugged her shoulders like she hadn’t just dropped the biggest bombshell of my life on my head.
“Yeah, I’m sure. She’s got a couple more months to go but I hear she’s huge!”
Bile rose in my throat but I forced it down.
“Who has seen her? Has she been back here?”
I was home for Christmas again even though I’d wanted to stay at Berkeley for the holidays and catch up on some work. Mom had warned me that I was needed at home. She hadn’t said why but I had a bad feeling that I was going to have any semblance of Christmas cheer ruined the minute I stepped off the plane.
So far, I wasn’t wrong.
“I don’t think she’s been back but my bitch-in-law went to her as soon as she heard she was becoming a grandma,” Ella sighed.
“And she’s only six months along?”
“Something like that,” Ella replied, her eyes narrowing. “Why? I thought you said that you and her never got it on.”
I shifted my eyes away, the burning in my chest increasing. I don’t know what was more devastating—learning that Blake was pregnant, or learning that she’d moved on so quickly after me.
I think I knew which the bigger blow to my ego was.
Had she just found a rebound guy right away or…?
I’d never know unless I asked her and given that she’d ignored every email and text I’d sent, I thought it was safe to say that she had honored her side of our goodbye. I knew why now—there was someone else.
God, that burned.
“You like her, huh? I don’t think the dad’s around. You should go visit her. I’m sure she’d be happy to have a friend.” There was sarcasm in Ella’s tone but I was seriously considering it. I stared at Ella in disbelief.
“She’s having the baby without the father? Why? Who is this asshole?”
Ella’s delicate eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Wow,” she murmured. “You really do have it bad for her. Trust me, little brother, you’re better off not getting involved. That family is—”
“Nuts, I know!” I snapped. I was so sick of listening to the same rhetoric about the Mavises. They weren’t any worse than we were in my opinion
and it was getting really old when both sides had our own issues.
“Who is the father?” I asked again, anger rising in my blood. “Did he leave her?”
“She’s a big girl, Mal. She can take care of herself.”
She peered at me speculatively but I ignored her look. I was hot and cold simultaneously. I had no idea what to do now. Did I call her and demand answers? Of course not. She wasn’t my girlfriend. She’d never even been my girlfriend.
Had we even been friends?
No, I had to leave her alone because that was obviously what she wanted. I couldn’t force myself to be her friend.
On the other hand, if she was having a baby on her own…
“Mal!”
I turned my eyes back to Ella.
“What?”
For the first time, I realized that Grayson wasn’t with her although that was hardly unusual. If they were fighting, Ella would often take cover at my parents’ house. It had taken me a while but I could finally see that Ella was not the perfect victim she made herself out to be. Although I still didn’t care for Grayson much, I also knew that Ella could provoke the arguments between them as much as he could.
They were a match made in hell and yet they continued to thrive off each other’s drama.
I remember a teacher in high school once saying how some people were not happy unless they were miserable and I don’t think I ever knew what that meant until I saw my sister and Grayson. They fed of each other’s misery. It was sick and twisted.
The only thing Blake and I had ever fought about was them.
Shit, they even suck others into their crap. That is a talent.
“Did you hear what I just said?” Ella demanded, and I looked at her, shaking my head.
“No. What?”
“Gray and I are divorcing.”
The words didn’t make sense at first and I almost laughed.
“You’re what?”
“We’re divorcing. He filed last week.”
“Oh.”
I understood now why Mom had wanted me to come home.
“Oh? That’s the best you’ve got?”
What I really wanted to say was, “It’s about damned time” but I suppressed the urge.
“Sorry to hear that,” I managed instead. “Are you going to be staying here now?”
Ella scowled at me, folding her arms over her chest.
“You don’t even care, do you?” she whined and my eyes narrowed slightly. It was strange to me that she had once seemed so mature, so worldly. Suddenly, the three years between us felt like nothing and my sister seemed unrealistically immature. Or maybe I’d been comparing every woman I knew to Blake in the past months.
Blake was having a baby on her own and my sister was complaining that I wasn’t more surprised that her marriage to her high school sweetheart had failed. It was bizarre.
“Isn’t it going to be weird living across the street from him?” I asked, almost cruelly. “Or is one of you keeping the shack?”
Ella’s mouth puckered into a pout.
“Our home isn’t a shack!” she protested. “I made it very nice. Anyway, I doubt Gray will move back in with his parents. Remind me never to date the boy next door again.”
“Well he was the only one working,” I retorted. “I guess it’ll be a relief to get you out of his place. One less mouth to feed.”
“Why are you being so hateful?” Ella yelled, her face flushing with indignation.
How could I explain it to her in a way she would understand? She and Grayson had caused so much friction between our families that it had kept Blake and I far away from one another by rote almost. We were afraid to bond because of what the aftermath would bring.
And now, Blake was knocked up and alone because I hadn’t been brave enough to say, “screw our families—we’ll make this work.”
Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe I could still go to her and make things right.
“Did your sister tell you the good news?” Mom asked, entering the living room. The soft lighting of the Christmas tree illuminated her fairness and she almost looked angelic. I hadn’t seen her look so at peace in years.
“What good news?” I asked dully.
“She’s talking about the divorce,” Ella snapped, turning her glare onto Mom. That was why Mom looked so relaxed. When this divorce happened, she wouldn’t be stressing about Ella anymore, at least not until my older sister did something else as a cry for attention.
“I won’t have to listen to Margaret Mavis’ shrieking in my ear anymore,” Mom sighed almost dreamily. “I never thought I would see the end of this but Grayson finally showed some sense.”
“MOM!” Ella screamed, tears welling in her eyes. “How can you say that?”
Mom’s mouth became a grimace and she narrowed her eyes at Ella.
“It was so easy for you to pick up and run off to that hovel with Grayson but you know what, Ella? A mother never stops worrying about her children. Maggie and I had it out every single day, trying to figure out a way to get you two from hurting yourselves more. She refused to see her son for the monster that he is and I—”
“You could have stayed out of it and let a married couple handle their own affairs,” I interjected coldly. “If they’re old enough to be married, they’re old enough to handle their own messes.”
Mom smiled icily at me.
“Just because the law says they’re old enough, doesn’t mean they are, Mal. That family is not Laurier caliber. You don’t hang out with lower classes or they drag you down, just as Grayson did with Ella.”
And all the doubts came flooding back.
This was the reason Blake and I had agreed to stay apart. This, right here. It didn’t matter how old we got or how much logic we threw at them, our families were bound to stick their noses in everything.
I needed to stay away from Blake. She already had the foresight to ignore me. I just hoped that one day, if she really needed me, she would know that I was there for her.
“Well congratulations on Ella’s divorce, Mom,” I offered haughtily. “I am sure you and Dad will be very happy in your future without the Mavises.”
I didn’t wait for a response from anyone. I just needed to get out of the room before I started screaming.
I couldn’t get the thought of Blake having someone else’s baby out of my head.
12
Blake
Present Day
The fire alarm at work was piercing through my skull, adding to the pounding headache I already had.
Meredith rolled her eyes at me and we stared at one another.
“Should we ignore it?” she asked and I nodded eagerly. The alarm went off at least once week, courtesy of some faulty wiring which the fire department had yet to fix even though this had been happening for over six months.
“Fuck it,” Meredith agreed and we tried to block out the noise and focus at the task at hand. We were nearing a breakthrough on a lung cancer drug which Meredith and I had both been working on for two straight years but it seemed like every time we got near solving the problem, we found another wrench in the development process.
“Ever wish you’d just gone into the arts?” Meredith cracked over the sound and I rolled my eyes.
“Every day,” I sighed. Blissfully, the noise stopped and I exhaled, trying to regain my hearing.
“Shit,” Meredith sighed. “I should have gone outside. Now I need a smoke.”
“I’ll come with you,” I told her. The alarm had thrown off my concentration and while I didn’t smoke, I wanted to stretch my legs.
“How’s your rug rat?” Meredith asked as we stepped into the lobby. She reached into her lab coat and pulled a pack of Marlborough’s from inside.
“He’s six and asking me for a MacBook.”
“Yeah, I remember when they started figuring out about stuff. I miss the toddler days, despite all the questions. At least you could lie to them and they didn’t know any better,” Meredith chuckled.
>
We barely made it outside before she lit up and blew some smoke rings.
“I don’t know how you do it, Blake. I mean, not to say my husband is any use at all but at least I could use him to ensure the kids didn’t die when I needed to sleep, you know?”
I smiled and shrugged.
“Jake’s a good kid,” I replied. “He takes care of himself mostly. Anyway, it’s a lot easier now that he’s in school.”
“I’ll bet. How much were you paying out for daycare? Like six hundred bucks a month?”
It had been more than that and I had borrowed more money from my parents than I wanted to admit but that was all in the past now.
“The deadbeat who spawned him should be paying, you know,” Meredith continued and I inhaled, steeling myself for the familiar lecture. I really didn’t want to hear it even though I knew Meredith meant well.
She had become a good friend in the past years and when I’d finally confessed my pregnancy to her, she’s stepped up on my behalf to ensure my job was waiting for me when I got back from maternity leave.
I owed her a lot, including the endless diatribes about how I should be slapping legal papers on Jake’s father and squeezing him of every last cent he had.
Truthfully, I didn’t think about Jake as having a father most of the time but every once in a while, the sun would catch his eye just right and I would see the grey in his blue eyes that was unmistakably Mal’s.
In some ways, he carried himself in the same cocksure manner as his father too but of course he was far too young to assess. He could still be anyone at his age. It was amazing watching my son grow but sometimes, late at night, I would go into his room and stare at him longingly, my heart full and sad at the same time.
Would Mal love him as much as I did? Would his heart melt at the sound of his impish laughter?
I had never told him about Jake, the timing never seemed right. The divorce between Ella and Grayson dragged on for two years, mostly because they kept getting back together and then splitting apart again.
There was a mounting animus between our families, both sides just wanting the papers filed and in place already but I knew that even if that happened, Ella and Grayson just wouldn’t let the other go.
