“Do you at least have an opinion as to what’s best for Emperion?”
“A happy princess.” He came over and kissed her head. “No matter what you choose, the kingdom will survive.” He left the room.
Allyssa remained sitting on the chair, stunned by her father’s change of heart. Somehow, his support and confidence in her lifted a huge weight from her shoulders. One she hadn’t even realized was there. She would rule Emperion. She would be a fair leader who protected her people. And she would continue the line of succession to her own children. Now, all she had to do was pick a partner to take the journey with.
***
Allyssa stood at the edge of the rooftop, overlooking the gardens below. The duke’s home was only a couple of stories tall, so it did not afford a spectacular view of the surrounding land like her castle in Lakeside did. However, being out here late at night with the full moon shining above, the wind caressing her skin, reminded her of home. Of how far she had come. How much had changed.
“I thought I’d find you out here,” Odar said from behind her.
She stiffened at the sound of his voice. How long had he been standing there?
He came next to her, leaning against the stone edge. “I don’t much care for Russek.”
“Will you be returning home tomorrow?”
“Yes.” He didn’t look at her. “This reminds me of when I met you on the rooftop in Emperion. When we first agreed to work together.”
She had no desire to reminisce over the past. “Is there something you want?”
“That was when I started to fall for you,” he admitted.
She clutched her hands into fists, not wanting to do this with him right now.
“Everything seemed so simple back then.”
“Have a safe journey home.”
She turned to go, and he gently took hold of her arm, stopping her. “I’m sorry. For everything.” His voice was husky, sending a jolt through her.
“Let go.” She couldn’t think with him touching her.
“I can’t,” he whispered. “I still love you. I don’t know how to live without you.”
Allyssa shook her head. He had no right to say such things to her. Not after everything he’d done. A tear slid down her cheek. Back in Fren, all she’d wanted was to hear him say that exact thing to her. Now, it was too late.
“Allyssa…”
“What do you want from me?”
“Say you still love me.” His fingers held her arm, almost pulling her toward him.
“How could I ever trust you again?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “For everything. Pretending to be Jarvik, being a brute, and severing the marriage contract. I’d take it all back if I could.”
“But you can’t.” And if he’d never pretended to be Jarvik, she might never have fallen for him. Since he’d resumed being Odar, she hadn’t felt that same connection to him. Truthfully, she didn’t like the man he’d become.
“You’re so stubborn.” He let go of her arm, turning to face the gardens again.
“You need to understand that I am no longer the woman you met on the rooftop in Lakeside. I’ve changed. What I need, what I want, has changed as well.”
“People don’t change,” he said.
“If I haven’t changed, then I’ve found myself. I know what I’m capable of, what I want, and what I deserve.”
“Is this because of him?” Odar hissed, running his hands through his hair. “Are you choosing Kerdan over me?”
“I’m not choosing anyone.” She was trying to explain that she no longer loved him. Leaning against the stone wall, she said, “Your parents made it perfectly clear they won’t sanction a union between us.” Especially now that Russek no longer posed a threat, Fren would never willingly join with Emperion.
“I can convince my father to change his mind.” He glanced at her, his eyes glassy. “I love you, and I swear I’ll make it up to you. I will earn back your trust.”
She shook her head. There was nothing he could do to mend that rift. There would always be a part of her that cared for him, and a part of her that would never fully trust him.
“We love each other. That is all that matters. Everything will work out.”
“Love isn’t enough,” she said.
“Yes, it is. It’s all that matters. We will get through this.”
There was nothing to get through. Why didn’t he understand that? When he broke her heart in Fren, that single action changed everything. It couldn’t be fixed, taken back, or forgotten. “I once thought as you do,” she said. “I thought that love was all that mattered. And all I wanted was to marry someone I loved.” She still did. But now, she would marry for love, respect, friendship, and the betterment of her kingdom. She would choose to marry someone who complemented her, someone who needed her as much as she needed him. Her parents had so much more than just love, and that was why they remained happy and content to this day.
She breathed in the sweet smell of jasmine growing on the side of the castle. An owl hooted in the distance. There was such exquisite beauty and life around her.
“Marry me,” Odar whispered.
She smiled, knowing that at the first sign of trouble, he’d be off scheming. He would never include her in his plans because that wasn’t how it worked in Fren. Women were weak and needed to be protected. If they married, it would never be a partnership. He would be the head of the marriage, and she would be under him. While that might very well be fine for some, it was not okay with her by any means. She wanted—and deserved—an equal partner. They would never be on equal footing.
“We will find a way, I promise. Just say yes. I need you to say yes. My life will be incomplete without you.”
“I said yes once. Then you told me no. I’m sorry, but I won’t ever put myself in a situation like that again.”
“So you’ll never marry for fear the man will break your heart?”
“You’re not the man for me.” It nearly killed her to say that. To cause him that pain, because she knew what it felt like.
He scooted closer, reaching out and taking hold of her hands. “Don’t do this,” he begged.
She almost laughed. Almost. For he had done this exact thing to her. She didn’t mean to hurt him as payback. She had simply learned too much. “You were my first love,” she said. He shook his head as if begging her to stop. “I will always love you. But I am not in love with you. And I do not think we should marry.”
“Please,” he whispered. “I love you.”
“I’m sorry.” Perhaps if he had been honest from the start, she would feel differently. Perhaps if he didn’t consistently take away her choices, she could respect him. Perhaps if he hadn’t shattered her heart once, she could love him.
“Is it because of Kerdan?”
She’d learned Kerdan and Odar fought one another until the soldiers had been neutralized and Darmik ordered them to stop. Odar had a black eye and swollen knuckles from the fight. He’d stormed off, refusing to ever speak to Kerdan again.
“Right now, we’re discussing you and me.” Kerdan had taught her that there was another side to love. One with friendship and respect. Yet, she didn’t want to throw that in Odar’s face. It wasn’t fair to compare the two men. It wasn’t a choice between them. This was about Allyssa and doing what was best for her.
“Do you love him?”
“Does it matter?” she countered.
“Yes.”
She knew he wanted someone to blame besides himself. “Kerdan does not affect our relationship.”
“That’s all I needed to know.” He released her hands. “Now what?”
“I suggest you return home to Fren and do as your parents wish. Live your life.” The wind blew, tossing her hair about her face.
“Without you.”
“Without me.”
“I hope you find happiness.” He looked at her. Grief etched his features. “You deserve it.” He reached up, trailing a finger down her face a
s if trying to memorize it.
“Thank you. I hope you find happiness too.” It felt like a door was closing. Only this time, instead of it slamming in her face, she was gently shutting and locking it. “Goodbye, Odar.” Her chest suddenly tightened as tears threatened. She turned and walked away from him, knowing she would probably never see him again.
Images of Jarvik laughing, the two of them working together in Lakeside, and their first kiss all came flooding back. Those were the memories she would hold onto. And she would always remember him as Jarvik—not Odar. Taking a deep breath, she left the rooftop, ready to return home and start the rest of her life.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Allyssa tossed and turned, unable to sleep in the duke’s house. Not only did the fact that so many had died here disturb her, but countless people also kept coming and going throughout the night. Squads of soldiers continuously showed up to pledge their allegiance to Kerdan, who in turn dispatched them to other areas of Russek to hunt down Jana’s supports and eradicate them. Allyssa hadn’t had a moment alone with Kerdan all day. Neco told her Kerdan was leaving tomorrow to return to Clovek.
Unable to lay there any longer, she climbed out of bed and dressed in her traveling clothes. Even though it was still dark out, she knocked on Kerdan’s door, wanting to say goodbye before she left for Emperion. He didn’t answer.
Turning to the man standing guard, she asked, “Is the prince not in?”
“No, Your Highness.”
“Then why are you standing here?”
“He wants a guard posted at his door at all times.”
Allyssa eyed the man. “I have a letter for him.”
“I can deliver it to him when he returns,” the man offered.
“That would be perfect.” She handed it to him. “Thank you.” She went to the stables where she was supposed to meet her father. He’d said they would leave at first light. Judging from the hint of blue on the horizon, the sky would start to lighten within the next fifteen minutes. That was barely enough time for her to saddle a horse and become acquainted with it before they departed.
When she entered the stables, the familiar smell of hay greeted her. Much to her surprise, neither her father, Neco, nor Nathenek were there. Near the entrance, their stack of supplies remained. Bedrolls, food, blankets, waterskins. A few soldiers lingered about looking as if they’d arrived not long ago. She vaguely wondered where they’d come from and where Kerdan would dispatch them to next.
One of the soldiers nodded at her as he passed. “If I were you,” he called over his shoulder, “I’d pick the gray gelding. It’s fast.” He winked.
“Thank you.” Once, not so very long ago, she would have been terrified to speak with a Russek soldier. However, after spending so much time with Kerdan and his men, she understood that what she had thought was brusque or boorish behavior was really her own lack of understanding for the Russek culture and way of life.
“Anytime,” the man said before exiting the stables.
She found the gray gelding well-rested and already saddled. The horse came over and snorted at her.
“Is that a smile?” Kerdan asked, stepping out of the shadows not far away.
“I suppose it is,” Allyssa answered.
He walked over to her. Exhaustion consumed his face.
“You need to get some rest,” she chided him.
“I know. There’s just been so much to do. Once everything is under control and I’m crowned king, then I’ll rest.” He stood before her, his hands clasped behind his back, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
The past day had been a whirlwind. So much had happened. So much had changed. “Have you announced our alliance yet?”
“No.”
“What are you waiting for?” She feared that the nobles might try to stake a claim to the throne. Just because Jana was dead didn’t mean Kerdan’s crown was secure. He needed every advantage he could get.
He shifted his weight from foot to foot as if anxious. But Kerdan was never nervous. His hair hung loose around his face; the black swirls he usually painted on his cheeks and forehead were gone. “I’m waiting for your answer. Is this what you want?” His eyes never left her face, making her feel naked before him. As if he could look inside of her and know what she was thinking. “If you are not committed to Russek and to me, I’d rather remain friends and not marry.”
“Do you want to call it off?” she asked.
“No. I wish to marry you. However, it is a lot to ask. My kingdom is in turmoil. The situation here is volatile. I’m sure your parents have concerns over the match.”
“I’ve spoken with my father. While he can’t answer for my mother, he told me he wants me to be happy, and I am free to choose who I marry.”
He raised a single eyebrow. “You don’t have to make a political match?”
“Not if I don’t want to.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “You deserve to be happy. Whether that is with me or not.” A few soldiers entered the stables. Kerdan turned to face them. “I need a moment alone with Princess Allyssa.” The men bowed and left.
When he faced her again, she smiled at him. “I’ve already made my choice.”
“You have?”
“I have.” Unlatching the door, she entered the stall and took the gelding by its lead.
Darmik, Neco, and Nathenek entered, talking softly with one another.
“Did we interrupt something?” Darmik asked.
“No,” Allyssa answered, walking the horse out of its stall, acutely aware of Kerdan watching her every move.
“Good. We already have a dozen men outside waiting to escort us to the border. Let’s get going.” Darmik chose a horse, Neco and Nathenek doing the same. Two soldiers entered, grabbed the supplies by the door, and hurried out.
Once everyone exited the stables, Allyssa turned her attention back to Kerdan. “As I was saying, I’ve already made my decision.” She mounted the horse, riding to the exit.
“Do you plan on telling me what it is?” he called after her.
“I wrote you a letter explaining my answer and gave it to the man standing guard at your bedchamber.”
“Oh. I see.” Kerdan gave a curt nod, his face going blank. “I wish you safe travels.”
She exited the barn, joining her father.
“Ready?” Darmik asked.
“Yes. Let’s go home.” They rode off the duke’s property. No one spoke as they made their way south toward Emperion. Allyssa tried to picture Kerdan reading her letter. What would he think? How would he react? He could be reading it at this very moment. She went over the letter in her mind, hoping she’d expressed herself well.
My dearest Kerdan,
Each one of us wears a mask at times. We conceal parts of ourselves from others, only showing them what we want them to see. It is rare for a person to truly know another person—to see the whole of him, stripped of his mask. Somehow, you have managed to tear mine off and see me for who I really am. And, I dare say, I think I’ve done the same to you.
I haven’t known you all that long. But in that time, I’ve seen you hide behind your masks, never showing anyone who you are. They only see bits and pieces of you. The military captain, son, prince, soldier. I think you use your masks to guard yourself from other people who wish to use or harm you. However, I’ve seen the real you. A kind man who wants so much more for his kingdom, who has had to play these separate roles simply to survive, a man who deserves so much more than the lot he’s been given.
When I first met you, I thought we were vastly different. Over the course of our time together, I have come to realize that is not the case. Like me, you put on a front for others to see what they want or need while keeping yourself hidden and safe. I consider it to be self-preservation. But the point is, I am the same. I do the same thing. And I understand why you do it.
I have also come to another realization. I don’t have to marry anyone. I used to think I needed a man by my side to help
me lead, make decisions, and to rule with. That is not the case. I am perfectly capable of doing so by myself. So, you see, I am in quite the conundrum. I never wanted to marry. In fact, I thought I was too young and despised my parents for forcing me to choose a suitor for the betterment of Emperion. I felt like I had no choice, and I was drowning. Now the Emperion line is secure, I have a brother who can rule if I don’t produce an heir, and my mother even told me that I can walk away from the crown if I wish. I can travel the world and have a great many adventures. And, let me tell you, this is quite tempting.
However, my time in Russek has taught me many things. I understand that it is my duty to rule the kingdom of Emperion. I will not shirk from my responsibility. I’ve discovered I can be true to myself and lead my people. As I gladly step into my rule as the crown princess, I understand that I do not need to marry.
Which brings me to my point. I have come to rely on and trust you. Not only as a friend, but also as someone more. The idea of not having you in my life makes it hard to breathe. When I think about you, I involuntarily smile and get all warm inside. I want to marry you, Kerdan. Bloody hell—I can’t believe I just said that I want to get married. Never thought that would happen. But there it is.
I know the road ahead of us will be bumpy, that you have a lot to do in Russek, that things will not be easy. But, without a doubt, I know you will always stand by my side as I will stand by yours. I know you trust and respect me. What greater honor is there?
When you’re ready, come to Emperion. We will sign the marriage contract once it’s finalized, and then we can marry. I am in no rush. Well, maybe just a little. I will need to introduce you to the Emperion court. And my mother. She must spend some time with you so she can approve of the union. That will be an interesting meeting. I’ll warn you now, my mother is a force to be reckoned with. If you think I’m stubborn, you haven’t seen anything yet.
If you’ve changed your mind and no longer wish to marry me, I understand. I know you originally only proposed because you needed to secure your throne. Our marriage is not the necessity it once was. You are looking for love in a marriage. You’ve told me you can see us loving one another and having a real marriage. That is what I want, too. If you still desire a marriage with me, I am yours. I will be your wife, your friend, and stand by your side to rule our respective kingdoms. You know where to find me.
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