“Is everything okay?” I asked her. She twisted my body toward the backyard without a word. She’d been looking at Ryan, who was now shirtless, joining a volleyball game.
“Mmmm,” I sighed. Then quickly clamped my hand over my mouth, surprised that had slipped out. Pam snickered at me and then I snickered at her.
“He is one beautiful piece of work,” she whispered. I imagined so Larry wouldn’t hear.
“I know. He is, isn’t he?” I agreed in a low, breathy tone. We took a long pause to stare at Ryan’s perfect tan body gleaming as he moved in the sunlight.
“You are being careful, aren’t you?”
“Careful?” I muttered, distracted.
“You know. Careful.”
“Oh.” I looked at Pam. “We're not—we haven’t.” I shook my head and turned back to look at Ryan again.
“You’ve got way more restraint than I would have, sweetie.”
I sighed. “And I have a feeling it’s going to get painfully harder, but I want to wait until I know he loves me. I just don’t think I could do it before then.”
“I’m proud of you for waiting, and I’m glad you know what you need from Ryan before you can take that step.” She held her hands up, shaking her head. “I’m not going to give you a speech about it, because I know you understand just how big a step it is.”
Pam and I had had several conversations about sex. She told me that boys don’t always need the same things girls do before having sex, and that sometimes girls don’t realize they needed more from the boy until after. She warned that boys could be more casual about it, and selfish. “Sex for them is sometimes more about accomplishing something than it is about feelings or relationships,” she told me. “It isn’t just physical for women. Our hearts and minds are just as involved as our bodies. Love and trust and a sense of safety are keys to having a successful sexual relationship, which has nothing to do with the physical act at all.”
She’d also told me that my body could feel ready, but that if my head and heart weren’t aligned with that feeling it could leave me wounded or disappointed afterwards and that she would never want that for me.
“Ryan says he’s okay with waiting, which is surprising. He’s used to getting it instantly. I don’t know why he would wait around for me.”
Pam smiled at me, shifting my hair behind my ear. “Maybe that’s why he wants to wait for you, because you value yourself. It makes him realize he should value you, too. That can’t be the case with the girls who hand it over instantly. What real value could he find in a girl like that?”
“I guess you’re right,” I mumbled. That did make sense to me.
“Of course I’m right,” she giggled and moved to sit down. “Justin will be relieved to know you haven’t done it yet, either,” she admitted passively.
“What?” I turned and glared at her. “Were you fishing for information for Justin?” I felt betrayed.
“No sweetie, I—, I just—.” She stood back up. “He’s just worried about you is all. I wasn’t asking for him. I was asking for me,” she explained, putting her hands on my shoulders, boring her puppy dog eyes into mine. “Justin told me some things about Ryan that concerned me.”
I smirked. “Of course he did.”
“He cares about you. So do Larry and I. You know that. You’ve been Justin’s closest friend for most of his life and the bottom line is that he doesn’t want to see you get hurt. But it seems from what you’re telling me, Justin may have misjudged Ryan, or maybe Ryan’s different with you than he’s been with other girls.”
I understood what she was saying, but the bottom line for me was that I didn’t want her reporting to Justin about my sex life. He sure didn’t share when he lost his virginity with me. I had no idea about that part of him. I stayed out of his relationships and he would need to do the same with mine.
Pam saw anger flash in my eyes and offered me something to cool my temper. “He and Eve are sleeping together.”
“No way!” I gasped. I did have a lot of restraint. She even had religion on her side. She really was supposed to wait until marriage. “How long did they wait?” I asked, my tone heavy with curiosity.
“I can’t be sure. He won’t tell me exactly, but I do know that prom night wasn’t the first time. You can’t tell him I told you,” she begged. “Eve would be so embarrassed.”
“I won’t say anything,” I promised, but felt like I needed to see Eve, to see if she looked any different to me. I know it’s ridiculous, but I wondered if I would notice a change in her appearance. I turned around to see if I could catch a glimpse of her somewhere in the yard, but the only thing I saw was that Ryan had amassed a crowd of girls.
They were so absurd. Giggling and whispering to one another, probably about what they’d be willing to do in order to be with him. I didn’t like them gawking at or flirting with Ryan when they knew he’d come with me. One of the girls had the word Juicy stamped across her butt, and was practically strangling the neck of a wine cooler bottle. That made three strikes. She was flirting with my date, didn’t drink beer, and used her butt as ad space.
“See, like that. What could Ryan possibly see in that?” Pam asked, cringing. Something he’s not getting from me, I thought, secretly hoping he hadn’t already gotten it from her. Yuck.
The longer I stood there, the more it began to bother me. And then I suddenly felt a twinge in my chest, it almost hurt. My heart beat faster, a rush of heat sprinted through my body, changing my mood.
My breath quickened, becoming uneven. Watching those girls put their hands on Ryan made me want to do something I normally wouldn’t, something vengeful that felt like punishment, without the use of a weapon, of course.
“Oh my god,” I mumbled as I realized what I was feeling. I was jealous. I was jealous, which wasn’t like me at all. I saw David with girls all the time when we were together and it never made me feel like this. I looked away from them to try and calm myself down. I didn’t like this feeling at all and needed it to go away. With skanks like that following Ryan around, knowing I could trust him would be important.
I couldn’t keep from looking again, which only made the feeling worse. I kept focused on Ryan and mumbled to Pam that I would be back. I dropped my shorts, removed my tank top, fluffed my hair, snatched my bottle from the table, and started down the steps.
I didn’t look at Ryan as I walked past him. I didn’t want him to think I was bothered that he was talking to other girls. I put myself in the middle of a group of boys that Eve and Justin were talking to.
“Hey,” I butted in, barely able to hear my own voice over the thick sounds of my thudding heart.
“Hey…Annie,” Justin said warily, looking as if he was struggling to keep his eyes focused on my face, which I found amusing. Eve barely cracked a smile, staring me up and down. I did the same to her. She didn’t look any different to me. There wasn’t a visible sign that she was no longer a virgin, like a V with a line through it on her forehead.
She was a little green now, actually. She obviously didn’t care for me being around Justin in a bikini. I didn’t want to make her any more uncomfortable so I situated myself on a chair by the pool and laid back. Waiting.
One of the boys who’d been talking to Justin sat on the edge of the chair next to mine and began talking to me. I suddenly felt better, calmer. I smiled bigger than necessary as he introduced himself, solely because Ryan was watching. Justin also watched us, seeming unnerved, trying to be discreet.
I allowed this boy my undivided attention as he spoke, verbally ignoring that his eyes were focused on my chest. His name was Cole Ritter. He was a senior and played football. And that’s about all he got to tell me before Ryan appeared.
He slapped hands with Cole. Of course he knew him.
“This is Annie,” Cole told Ryan proudly, as if I was his own divine discovery.
Ryan smiled brilliantly at me, winking. “Hello, Annie.”
I played along. “Hey,” I said, my
tone lazy. I smiled weakly; seeming uninterested.
Cole nudged Ryan and raised his eyebrows, saying something under his breath that I couldn’t make out. They both smiled, but Ryan’s hands curled into fists. Cole nodded with certainty, making a bizarre hissing sound as he exhaled.
Ryan looked him directly in the eyes as he spoke. “That’s not going to happen,” he said sharply and held his hand out for me to take. “She came with me and I’ll be taking her home.” He lifted me from the chair as Cole apologized; sounding almost desperate as he explained that he didn’t know I was with Ryan.
“And just so you know, she’s not that kind of girl,” Ryan added before pulling me away. He walked so fast that he was close to dragging me behind him. Then he just stopped. Flustered and rigid, his jaw was tight as he spoke. “He’s lucky I didn’t knock his teeth out over what he said about you.”
I smiled widely. “I couldn’t hear him. What did he say?” My tone drenched in pure anticipation.
“Nothing I will ever repeat,” he mumbled, ignoring my excitement.
“That bad, huh?” I pursed my lips, shrugging. I could imagine what he’d said. It wouldn’t take a genius, but truthfully I didn’t care. Whatever it was had gotten a defensive reaction from Ryan, which I loved.
“That was a dirty trick, you know?” Ryan’s green eyes tightened as he stared at me.
“What?” I asked innocently.
“You can’t be unaware of how you look.”
I smiled at his expression, almost laughing because he seemed a touch aggravated.
“Neither can you,” I countered, peering at his naked chest.
“I didn’t do anything,” he protested.
“Neither did I.”
He stared for a moment; his tongue in his cheek, figuring out there was no way to win. “I guess you didn’t,” he finally agreed. I mean, what could he say? That I was walking around in a bathing suit. Like everyone else—including him.
Ryan remained close to me the rest of the afternoon, forcing the other girls to stick together in an angry bunch, despising me for taking him away from them.
When the sun went down and things began to settle, the boys started a fire in the pit at the edge of the yard near the lake. Ryan and I sat in one of the dozen two person Adirondack chairs Pam had bought just for this purpose. We watched one another, holding hands, playing with our fingers. It was dark enough and everyone was preoccupied enough that I hoped Ryan would kiss me again.
His skin glowed from the faint light that the fire cast on us. It subtly danced across his face and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He slightly grinned before slowly closing his eyes and leaning closer. We kissed at a lingering pace, and way longer than I would have ever kissed someone publicly.
Once we broke, his face remained close to mine, his eyes smoldering. I couldn’t help it; I wanted him to kiss me like that again. But he asked me a question instead. “Are you going to stay here tonight?”
“Are you serious?” I wondered if he was trying to be cute.
“Yes.” His eyes moved to my mouth and back to my eyes again.
“No, I’m not staying here tonight.”
“Do you want to stay with me, then?” he asked delicately.
I immediately wanted to say yes. The problem with that is, I think before I speak, and my head promptly instructed my mouth to say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Ryan leaned away from me. “Why not? You have sleepovers with Bishop,” he said, almost whining.
“We’ve already been over this,” I scolded.
“I’ll sleep on the couch, you can sleep in my room,” he offered. “I’ll even lock the door to keep you safe.” A wicked grin hijacked his face, making me laugh.
“I don’t know,” I whined. I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
“I’ll be good. I promise. I just want to spend more time with you.” The look in his eyes was genuine and honestly, I didn’t want my time with him to end yet, either.
“Okay.” He smiled. “But…there’s a condition,” I warned. The smile vanished. “Condition?” he moaned.
“No kissing.”
“At all?”
“None.”
“No fair,” he whined.
“No deal,” I declared.
“What?” he shrieked. The sound was funny coming from him.
“Slow, remember?” I reminded him of my terms. “And you kissing me the way you just did while we’re alone could complicate things.”
“Really?” He sounded surprised. “It was that good, huh?”
I rolled my eyes at his prideful smile. “No kissing or I go home,” I stated firmly.
Ryan considered this, savoring my admission that his kisses had such an effect on me, but I guess he wanted me to stay more than he wanted to make out. “Okay. No kissing,” he agreed.
Justin appeared sad when I told him I was leaving. He didn’t say anything, but I was sure he knew I was going home with Ryan. Eve still just looked irritated with me. She told me bye, but it sounded more like die. I ignored her. I couldn’t help what my body looked like. I could, however, help how I dressed it, and I was sure that would be her exact argument should we ever have one over it.
17
Ryan’s neighborhood was nice, full of big houses that were spread generously apart, unlike my neighborhood. If I wanted to, I could watch my neighbors do just about anything in their own homes from almost any of the windows in mine.
As Ryan steered us down his driveway, I took in just how massive his house was, thinking that my parents, the psychiatrists, would cringe if they ever saw it. They believe a person should live comfortably, but should also be careful not to get too swept up in material things. Something I also believe.
When Ryan pulled his car into the garage, I froze. It was the first time I’d thought about his parents being home. I wondered what John would think of me for coming here in the middle of the night like this. I knew the reason he would assume I was here. Ryan spoke up and prevented the freak out I was about to have.
“This is my space,” he said, opening the door for me. His works sunk in instantly. “You live down here by yourself?”
He gave a slight nod. I was so relieved my chances of bumping into John in the during the night had reduced that I automatically relaxed. I didn’t want him thinking I was like one of the Juicy girls Ryan had hooked up with before. Truthfully, I didn’t want anyone thinking of me that way.
I looked around and was in awe. He had a full size kitchen and bar, a dining area, living room, and game room all in one wide open space. It was comfortable, but slightly formal looking. I think I frowned when I saw that his dining table seated twelve. He must have noticed.
“My mom picked the furniture. I don’t actually have dinner parties down here,” he explained, almost laughing.
Ryan stood in the middle of the room while I walked around, taking it all in. The colors, the finishes, the sectional sofa, which was the largest I’d seen in my life. The thing had to have been twenty-five feet long. The video game chairs, gaming systems, and the enormous television hanging above them. The pool table, the shuffleboard. Shuffleboard? I guessed that was his mother’s doing as well.
“This is nuts,” I told him. He smiled at my amazement, or in agreement with me. I wasn’t sure which. “My room’s over there.” He pointed in the direction of the door, and with his encouragement, I went inside. The room was beautiful, masculine. I imagined his mother had also chosen this furniture.
Ryan slid his arms around my waist from behind me. “You’re the only girl who’s ever been here,” he whispered.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“That’s surprising.”
“I guess,” he frowned.
I spun around in his arms, facing him. “Why am I so special?”
He just looked at me. His eyes scanned my features, the way he did it made me feel like he was hinting at something. I jumped to conclusions. “If this is
some kind of trick to get me to—” “No, it’s not like that,” he cut me off, a touch of laughter escaping. “You started this whole honesty thing,” he said, implying the misunderstanding was my fault.
He began explaining what he meant before I could complain. “I feel like I don’t have to be anything but myself with you. I want you to know me completely, and part of really knowing me is being here, seeing this.” He waved his hand around the cavernous space.
“I already knew you had money, if that’s what you mean.” As he nodded in agreement, I caught on. “You knew I would never have imagined this, though.” I waved my hand around the room as he had. He was right. I had no idea he was so loaded.
“I just wanted to get it out of the way.”
“You know I don’t care about your money, right? It’s not important to me.”
“I know. That’s why I brought you here. I know you’re not seeing me because of the money or because of the baseball hype. I feel like you would still want me without those things,” he said sweetly, quietly, but still that word want made my heart beat erratically.
“I would,” I mumbled, embarrassed. I felt like such a baby, so inexperienced that I turned red, couldn’t breathe, had palpitations, and felt nauseous sometimes when I was with him. My parents told me this would happen, that I would feel like this about a boy someday and that it was normal. I wished I could get my brain to understand that. Maybe then it could keep my insides from going haywire.
Ryan took my hand, intertwining our fingers. He gestured toward the sectional and we went and sat down. We smiled and gazed at each other. He began playing with my fingers again, as he had earlier, before he kissed me at Justin’s. I know I said he couldn’t kiss me if I came home with him, but at that moment, kissing him was all I was thinking about.
Ryan reached out and touched my cheek. He cupped his hand over it, and gently moved his thumb across, and that was all it took. I sighed in frustration. It felt like all of the blood in my body was pounding against my cheeks. It was so embarrassing.
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