The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any fucking ears!”
A man calls his wife from Accident and Emergency. He tells her that he lost his finger in a building site accident. “Oh my God!” cries the wife, “The whole finger?”
“No,” replies her husband. “The one next to it.”
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”
A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”
“I should think so,” the barman replies.
The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”
“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”
The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”
“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”
The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”
ACNE
When did the teenager realize he had bad acne?
When his dog called him Spot.
How do you know if you have bad acne?
a. When the blind can read your face.
b. When your pores have stretch marks.
ADAM AND EVE
Adam is talking to God and asks him: “God, why did you make women so beautiful?”
God replies: “So that you would find them attractive.”
Then Adam asks: “Okay. God, but why did you have to make them so stupid?”
God replies: “So that they would find you attractive.”
God found Adam in the Garden of Eden.
“Where’s Eve?” asked God.
“She started bleeding, God, so she went down by the stream to wash,” replied Adam.
“Oh no!” said God, “We have to stop her!”
“Why?” said Adam.
“Because I’ll never get the smell out of the fish!”
Adam and Eve were walking through the Garden of Eden one day when God spoke to them. “All right, kids,” said God, “I have a couple of items left here in my goody bag. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?”
Eve immediately replied, “Please, God, Me! Me! Me!”
So God in his infinite wisdom granted her the ability to pee while standing. But Eve saw that Adam’s face was a picture of utter despair because he too badly wanted the ability to pee while standing. So Eve was generous and said to God, “He may have it if he wants it so much.”
So, God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he immediately ran behind a bush and urinated standing up.
When he came back, Eve looked at God and said, “Well, do you have anything left for me?” God looked back in the bag. Looking back at Eve he said, “Sorry love, all I have left is multiple orgasms.”
Why did God create Eve?
To iron Adam’s leaf.
God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?”
Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”
God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. From these two gifts you will derive great pleasure and great intellect.”
“Wow, God,” Adam replies, “that’s great. But what’s the bad news?”
God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time.”
Why did God create Adam first?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
One day God decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and told him of his decision. He explained to St Peter that he was going to make a human being who was similar to man, yet was different and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. God said he would call this new creation “woman”. So God went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When he had finished creating this being that would now be called woman he summoned St Peter.
“Oh Lord, once again you have done a cracking job,” said St Peter when he saw the woman.
“Thank you, you are very kind,” replied God, looking pleased with himself. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, St Peter. I am thinking of making her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate and more adaptable than man’s.”
“Good idea again, Lord,” said St Peter.
“What about nerve endings? How many should I put in her hands?”
“How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.
“Two hundred,” replied God.
“Then do the same for this woman,” said St Peter.
“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”
“How many did we put in Adam?”
“Seventy-five,” replied God. “These beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, so I think I will do the same for woman.”
“Nice one,” said St Peter.
“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?”
How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.
“Four hundred and twenty,” replied God. “Of course, I wanted Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t I? Do you think I should do the same for woman?”
“Again, good idea, Oh Lord,” said St Peter.
“No, wait.” said God. “Fuck it. Let’s give her ten thousand. I want her to scream out my name.”
How do you know Adam and Eve weren’t black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?
ADVERTISEMENTS
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper: “Looking for man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings.
“Hi,” her visitor announces. “I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
“What makes you think you are great in bed?”
“I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”
A man is browsing the small ads in his local paper looking for a pet when he comes across an advert: “Intelligent, adorable golden Labrador – free to a good home.” He calls the number and arranges to see the dog. When he arrives at the house a man lets him in. The man asks the owner “Does the dog have a pedigree?”
The owner replies: “Why don’t you ask him yourself. He’s in the kitchen.”
The man goes into the kitchen and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden Labrador. Feeling a bit silly, he goes along with it and says to the dog: “Do have a pedigree?”
To his amazement, the dog replies. “Yes I have a pedigree. I’m Kennel Club registered
and both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts.” The dog continues, “I used to work for Customs and Excise at Heathrow Airport and I’ve been in several films and TV ads.”
His mouth agape, the man turns to the owner. “What an incredible dog. He talks and he’s been a top sniffer dog. I just don’t understand it. Why do you want to give him away?”
“Because”, the owner replies, “I’m sick of his fucking lies.”
An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before. She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback. They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married. On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I have never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get.”
What Women’s Personal ads Really Mean
Adventurous: has slept with all your mates
Athletic: flat chested
Average looking: has a face like an arse
Beautiful: pathological liar
Contagious smile: does a lot of prescription drugs
Educated: had the arse shagged off her by everybody at university
Emotionally secure: on medication
Feminist: obese
40-ish: 49
Free spirit: heroin addict
Friendship first: former slut
Fun: irritating
Gentle: boring
Good listener: autistic
Large lady: morbidly obese
Looking for soul mate: stalker
New Age: excessive body hair
Old-fashioned: no blow jobs or anal
Open-minded: desperate
Outgoing: loud and embarrassing
Passionate: sloppy drunk
Poetic: depressive
Professional: bitch
Romantic: frigid
Sociable: fanny like a yawning donkey
Voluptuous: super-morbidly obese
Widow: murderer
An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word. After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change. He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.
Seeing this, the editor felt so sorry for him he said; “For £3 you can have seven words.”
The old man thanked him and thought for a while. Then he wrote: “Doris Smith Dead. Ford Focus for Sale”.
ADVICE
My dad always told me that you should live each day as if it is your last. That’s why he spent the last fifteen years in an intensive care unit with an oxygen mask and a tube up his arse.
“My dad used to say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until his accident.”
AFTERLIFE
A couple made a pact that whoever died first would come back and tell their partner if there was an afterlife. The husband was the first to go and, true to his word, he made contact with his wife one night when she was lying in bed.
“Sarah, Sarah . . .”
“Is that you, Ted?”
“Yes, I’ve come back just as we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, go off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After that it’s supper and the golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Ted! You surely must be in Heaven.”
“Not exactly, I’m a rabbit in Essex.”
Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember. They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators. One day while they are sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says, “You know Frank, me and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we’ve enjoyed our cricket all that time.”
“Aye,” replies Frank.
“Well,” Ted continues, “we’ve both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point where we’ve got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion.”
“Aye,” replies Frank.
“Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?” asks Ted.
Frank says: “I don’t know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other, let’s promise that if it’s at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.”
“Sounds good to me,” says Frank.
A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back to the pavilion. About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he recognizes as his old deceased mate.
Franks says: “Ted, is it thee?”
“Aye,” says Ted. “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there was cricket in Heaven.”
Frank answers, “Aye.”
“Well,” says Ted, “there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”
Frank considers his options for a moment. “I’ll have the good news first, please.”
So Ted starts with the good news. “There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the afternoon teas are to die for.”
“That’s great,” says Frank, “but, what’s the bad news then?”
Ted replies: “You’re opening the batting for us next Monday.”
Charlie came home drunk one night, collapsed into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. When he awoke he was standing in front of the Pearly Gates where St Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Charlie.”
Charlie was shocked. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.”
Charlie was devastated but begged St Peter to send him to a farm somewhere near his home. The next thing he knew he was in a farmyard, covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A cock strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s it going?”
“Not bad,” replied Charlie, “but I have this odd feeling inside. Like I’m going to explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the cock. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” said Charlie.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the cock. “It’s no big deal.”
Charlie did as the cock said and a few very uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg.
Charlie was overwhelmed as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He soon laid another egg, and then another. His joy was overwhelming.
Just he was about to lay his fourth egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “For fuck’s sake, Charlie! Wake up you drunken bastard. You’ve shat the bed!”
AGONY AUNTS
Dear Marge,
I’m writing to tell you my problem. For the past twenty years I have been married to a sex maniac. My husband won’t leave me alone. He fucks me regardless of what I am doing: cooking, ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even doing anything that askjsh l;sasp wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{*&^^ .lp sld mpskdli dlks; “+**
If Men Were Agony Aunts . . .
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral se
x on him.
A: Do as he says. Semen can help you lose weight and makes your skin glow. Most men know this and his offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless and shows he loves you. Even better, thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must play with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to film yourself while doing this and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband stays out late most evenings with his friends.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The male is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Nothing will rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house, too)! See how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 2
