The guy panics, and says the first thing to pop into his head.
“Give me an ice cream!”
Poof – an ice-cream stand appears with his name on it. A bit stunned, he sits there for a while eating his ice cream, thinking long and hard before making his final two wishes. Finally he turns to the genie and says . . .
“I want to be white and surrounded by women!”
Poof – he turns into a tampon.
A plane travelling from London to Sydney is suddenly hit by a severe engine problem and plummets into the Indian Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart, leaving only one male survivor. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself on to the shore. Although he is half drowned he can’t help but admire the beauty of the island he finds himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the sand, another survivor from the crash! He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs and splutters into life. To his amazement he see that it is Kylie Minogue!
Deeply grateful to him for saving her life, Kylie and the stranger form an immediate bond and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new-found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a melancholy look on his face. She wanders over to him.
“What’s wrong, love?” says Kylie.
“Kylie,” he says, “the last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We’ve found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we need and I have you, but still I can’t help feeling there’s something missing.”
“What, my darling?” says Kylie. “What do you need? I’ll do anything.”
“Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt and my trousers?”
“Okay, if that’s what you want,” says Kylie.
“Okay. Now, would you mind walking around the island, and I’ll set off in the other direction and meet you on the beach half-way?”
“Okay, my love, whatever will make you happy,” says Kylie.
So they set off in opposite directions. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach. He breaks into a run, goes up to her and grabs her by the shoulders and says: “Fucking hell mate, you’ll never guess who I’m shagging!”
A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. One day he is amazed to see a stunningly curvaceous female scuba diver walking out of the water, looking as though she had been poured into her wetsuit. He runs to greet her and tells her she is the first human contact he has had in three years.
“Sounds like you could use a drink, honey,” she says, as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a fask of single malt whisky.
“That’s the best drink I’ve ever had!” he tells her.
“No problem. Would you like a smoke?” she asks, as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar.
“This must be the best cigar in the world!” he shouts, as he blows smoke rings in the air. As she begins to unzip the front of her wetsuit, she asks with an alluring wink, “Would you like to play around?”
“No shit!” he shouts. “You got golf clubs in there as well?”
DIARRHOEA
An elderly man died and his wife put a death notice in the local paper, noting that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a relative phoned and complained bitterly: “You know very well that he died of diarrhoea.”
The widow replied:, “I know. I nursed him night and day.”
“So why did you claim he died of gonorrhoea?”
“I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”
If one out of ten people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that the other nine enjoy it?
“Doctor, I need some help. I keep shitting myself. I think I suffer from hereditary diarrhoea.”
“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” replies the doctor. “Diarrhoea is not hereditary.”
“Are you sure? It’s in my jeans.”
DINING OUT
We took dad to Australia for his eightieth birthday. We were in this really nice restaurant in Sydney when suddenly he shouted out: “I fucking hate aborigines!”
We said: “Dad, you can’t say that here.” But he just wouldn’t shut up.
Again he shouted: “I fucking hate aborigines!”
“Dad, you just can’t say that in a restaurant. And in any case, it’s pronounced aubergines.”
An Englishman was in a Paris restaurant and had just had the soup he ordered put in front of him. As the waiter departed, he called him back. “Garçon, il y à un mouche dans ma soupe.”
The waiter, seeing that there was indeed a fly in the soup, corrected him: “UNE mouche, monsieur.”
“Fuck me,” said the Englishiman, peering even closer at the fly, “you’ve got good eyesight!”
I was out with the wife having a meal at the local pub when I decided to sneak into the kitchen to see how hygienic it was. To my shock, I saw the chef using his false teeth to put the edgings on the pastry for the pies.
I said, “You dirty bastard, haven’t you got a tool?” He replied, “Yes, but I use that for putting the rings in the doughnuts.”
One cold winter’s evening, a little elderly couple walked slowly into a McDonalds. They looked completely out of place among all the young families and young couples eating there. Lots of customers looked at them admiringly. “Look,” they were all thinking, “there is an old couple who has been through a lot together, probably for sixty years or more.”
Eventually the little old man shuffed up to the cash register and placed his order, then paid for their meal. The couple took a table and started taking food off the tray. There was just one cheeseburger, one order of French fries and one Coke. The little old man unwrapped the cheeseburger and carefully cut it in half, then placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two small piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. Then he took a sip of the Coke, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his meal. “Ah, that poor old couple,” everyone was thinking.
As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man walked over to them and politely offered to buy another meal. “No thanks,” replied the old man, “we’re just fne. We are used to sharing everything.”
The young man returned to his table and sat down. He couldn’t help noticing, however, that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipping some Coke. Again, the young man went over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were happy sharing.
As the little old man fnished eating, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely knocked back again, he fnally asked the little old lady, “Madam, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything.”
“We do,” she replied. “I’m waiting for my turn to use the teeth.”
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the speciality of the house. When his meal arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. “These, senor,” replies the waiter, “are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.” The American swallows hard but tries the dish anyway and to his surprise finds it delicious. He enjoys it so much that he returns the next evening and orders the same item. When he has fnished, the waiter asks him if everything was okay.
“Superb, thank you,” says the American. “But these cojones, or whatever you call them, they were much smaller than the ones I had last night.”
“Yes, senor,” replies the waiter. “You see, the bull, he does not always lose.”
A couple go into a restaurant and order a meal. When the waiter brings out their soup course they notice he has his thumbs
stuck in both bowls. Being English, they are reluctant to complain, so they shrug and laugh it off.
“Would you like anything else?” the waiter enquires. “We have some excellent lamb shank today.” They both order lamb shank, so the waiter goes off and comes back with two plates of lamb shank. Once again they notice that the waiter’s thumbs are in the gravy. Again, they let it go.
“Would sir and madam like any desert? Our special today is apple pie,” says the waiter.
“Fine,” they reply. The waiter returns with his thumbs stuck in the custard. By now they have just about lost their appetites but are still reluctant to force a confrontation.
“Would you like some coffee?” asks the waiter. They nod, and he returns with his thumbs stuck in the cups of coffee.
By now the man can no longer restrain himself: “I say, what the hell’s going on here? Every time you have come to this table you’ve had your thumbs stuck in our food!”
“I’m terribly sorry, sir,” mumbles the waiter. “I’ve got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place.”
“Why don’t you just stick it up your arse?”
“That’s where I put it when I’m in the kitchen.”
DISABILITY
Little Jimmy’s next-door neighbour had a baby, which unfortunately was born without ears. When mother and new baby arrive home from the hospital, Jimmy’s family are invited round to see the baby. Before they leave their house, Jimmy’s father explains to his son that the newborn baby next door hasn’t any ears. His dad warns him severely not to mention anything about the baby’s predicament. To even mention the word “ears”, Jimmy’s dad tells him sternly, would invite the hiding of his life when they got back home. Little Jimmy tells his dad that he understands completely.
When Jimmy looks in the cot, he says, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother says, “Why, thank you, Jimmy.”
Jimmy continues, “He has lovely little feet and lovely little hands, a lovely little nose and really lovely eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes,” the mother replies, “we are so thankful; the doctor says he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great,” says Jimmy, “because he’d be fucked if he needed glasses.”
What is the best way to fuck a woman in a wheelchair? Slash her tyres.
One-armed waiters. They can take it, but they can’t dish it out.
Last night I had sex with a girl who was suffering from brittle-bone disease. What a little cracker she was.
What’s the defnition of perfect balance? A pregnant hunchback.
What’s the best thing about being a hunchback?
Being able to rock yourself to sleep at night.
What’s the difference between shagging a girl with arms and shagging a girl without arms?
When you are shagging a girl with no arms and your dick slips out you have to put it back in yourself.
“I had a parcel delivered today and it was covered in crayon. That’s the last time I pay for a special delivery.”
A man was walking along the beach one day when he passed by a young woman who did not have any arms or legs. He couldn’t help noticing that she was gently sobbing to herself. “Why the tears?” he asked.
She said: “I’m eighteen years old and I’ve never been kissed.”
The man paused for a moment, then smiled and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. She brightened up a little and smiled, so he gave her a big kiss on the lips. They pause for an unsure moment, and then she said, “You know, I’m eighteen years old and . . . I’ve never been fucked.”
The man stood up, started smiling and grabbed the young woman by the hair and tossed her into the sea. As she started screaming and bobbing up and down, the man shouted, “Consider yourself fucked, love!”
Did you hear about the strawberry picker who hadn’t any legs?
She was a right jammy cunt.
What do you call a man without any shins? Neil.
What do you call a retard on a trampoline?
Spring cabbage.
I was very upset when my doctor told me I was in the advanced stages of Motor Neurone Disease. I could hardly control myself.
One day a little boy runs up to his mother, and says “Mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?”
His Mother replies: “Because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head.”
The next day, his little sister runs in, saying “Mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?”
Mother replies: “Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head.”
The following day, their little brother says: “kslsiehisjk mrblkshju mmrbbl drubksjl ls gggg”.
Mother says: “Be quiet, Fridge.”
I live near a remedial school. There’s a road sign outside that says, “SLOW CHILDREN”. It can’t be good for their self-esteem.
How did the quadriplegic fall off the cliff?
He was pushed.
I went to see this quadriplegic juggler. He wasn’t very good, he kept dropping the quadriplegics.
I’ve got nothing against disabled people. I’ve even got one of their stickers on my car.
When is the best time to add insult to injury?
When you’re signing somebody’s plaster cast.
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Isn’t it quite ironic that people with “club feet” are generally crap at dancing?
A man is in hospital waiting for his wife to give birth when a doctor walks over. “You have a baby son, however there were complications,” the doctor informs him gravely. “Your baby is alive, however it has no body, legs or arms, it is just a head.”
The new father lets the news sink in, then immediately resolves to raise the head like any normal child. He takes it to football games, takes it to the park, then on his son’s eighteenth birthday he takes the head to the pub for a pint. He walks up to the bar and asks for two pints of Carling.
He pours the beer into the head’s mouth when, suddenly, a body sprouts from nowhere. The father is amazed and orders his lad two pints of Fosters, which the boy knocks back. Suddenly two arms sprout. The lad then has two pints of Stella Artois and grows two legs. He is now like any normal eighteen-year-old.
Father and son drink all night to celebrate, and at the end of the night they walk out of the pub. The son, unused to alcohol, staggers into the road and a lorry knocks him twenty feet through the air, killing him outright.
The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.
Following the confirmation of London as the venue for the Paraplegic Olympics, the organizers have published a leaflet containing cockney rhyming slang for the disabled:
Mutton Jeff: deaf
Bacon rind: blind
Canary Wharf: dwarf
Cardinal Wolsey: cerebral
palsy Raspberry ripple: cripple
Wasps and bees: amputees
Rubber and plastic: spastic
Tulips and roses: multiple sclerosis
Diet Pepsi: epilepsy
Benny and the Jets: Tourette’s
What goes PLOP PLOP FIZZ FIZZ?
Two paraplegics in an acid bath.
Three pregnant women are sitting outside a doctor’s surgery. They are all knitting in expectation of their new kids’ imminent arrivals.
The first one takes out a tablet, and pops it in her mouth. “It’s a calcium supplement so my baby’s bones grow nice and strong,” she explains to the other two, and carries on knitting.
The second woman also pops a pill. “It’s vitamin C to ward off colds and boost its immune system,” she tells her companions, and carries on knitting.
The third woman takes a tablet. “Its Thalidomide,” she says. ”I can’t do sleeves.”
What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs? Nice tits.
A boy was born with just a head, no body. His parents were at a cocktail party one evening when, quite by chance, they bump
ed into a fellow guest who introduced himself as a research biochemist. “My colleagues and I are working on a method to regenerate missing limbs,” he told them.
Then the dad said: “Actually, our son has several missing limbs. In fact, he’s just a head. Will you be able to possibly generate a body for him?”
“Sure,” the biochemist said. “If the formulae work out, we’ll be able to generate a whole new body for your son.”
The parents dashed home to tell their son the wonderful news. They went into the house, went to the little head’s bedroom, turned on the light, walked over and tapped him on the head, saying “Son, son, wake up. We have a big surprise for you.”
The boy opened his eyes, looked up at them, and said: “Let me guess, another fucking hat?”
I was refused entry to remedial school the other day. Apparently, a blow job a day is not a “special need”.
DIVORCE
A divorcee spots his ex-wife’s new husband in a bar. After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and says: “So, how do you like using second-hand goods?”
“No problem,” the new husband replies. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new.”
When I got divorced my wife said she would fght for custody of the kids, which she then did. Fortunately I was able to take her out with a single punch.
Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women? Because they’re very bitter.
A man and his wife were driving along the motorway doing 55 mph. The wife looked over at the husband and said, “We’ve been married for twelve years and I want a divorce.” The husband said nothing but slowly increased the speed to 60 mph.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 13
