The Essex girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.
An Essex girl is walking down the road with her left tit hanging out. A police car pulls up beside her and the officer says, “Miss, put your breast back in your top or I will arrest you.”
The Essex girl looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I’VE LEFT THE BABY ON THE BUS AGAIN!”
Why do Essex girls wear knickers?
To keep their ankles warm.
Why do Essex girls like cars with sun roofs?
Extra leg room.
What is the difference between an Essex girl and the Titanic?
Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic.
Where does an Essex girl go to lose weight?
The abortion clinic.
What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive to men?
Her feet.
What is the difference between an Essex girl and a plate of spaghetti?
Spaghetti moves when you eat it.
An Essex girl was in bed with this fella. “Go on,” she said, “put a fnger inside me.” The man obliged.
“Go on, put two fngers inside me.” The man obliged.
“Go on, put your hand inside me.” The man obliged.
“Go on, put two hands inside me.” The man obliged.
“Okay, now clap your hands.”
The man replied: “That’s impossible!”
The girl said: “I know, tight aren’t I?”
What does an Essex girl do with her arsehole after sex?
She takes him down the pub.
How do you know an Essex girl is having an orgasm?
She drops her chips.
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up me dress,” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
“No,” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”
An ambulance arrives at the scene of a terrible air crash on the A127 just outside Basildon in Essex. The paramedic says to a girl passenger, “How many fngers have I got up?”
She screams: “FUCK! I’M PARALYSED!”
What does an Essex girl say after her eleventh orgasm?
“So, do you all play for the same team?”
An Essex girl goes to the police station to report a rape. They ask her: “Did you get a good look at your assailant?”
“Yes,” she replies, “I’m fairly certain he worked for the council.”
“How do you know that?” she is asked.
“I had to do all the work.”
How do you get an Essex girl into a lift?
Grease her hips and throw in a bag of crisps.
What’s the difference between an Essex girl and an empty crisp bag?
You only get one bang out of an empty crisp bag.
An Essex girl was involved in a nasty car crash and lay in the wreckage, trapped and bleeding. A paramedic arrives and says to her: “It’s okay, I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions. What’s your name?”
“Chantelle.”
“Okay, Chantelle, is this your car?”
“Yes.”
“Where are you bleeding from?”
“Epping.”
An Essex girl goes into labour and she phones for an ambulance. “My waters have broke, I’m having a baby!” she tells the operator.
The operator asks, “Where are you ringing from?”
The Essex girl replies, “From my fanny to my feet!”
FARMERS
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes, he calls his boss on his mobile.
“Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the front grille of my truck. He’s still wriggling – what should I do?”
“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun,” his boss tells him. “Shoot the pig in the head, and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.”
“Okay,” says the farm worker.
About ten minutes later he calls back.
“Boss. I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”
“So what’s the problem?” his boss snapped.
“The blue light on his motorcycle is still fashing!”
A student of criminal psychology is writing his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals. In particular, he is studying men who molest sheep. He takes a fight to Australia where he meets a sheep farmer. The farmer agrees to an interview about the mechanics of sex with sheep.
“Well it’s quite simple, you Pommie bastard. You grab the sheep by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in.”
The student thanks him and travels to New Zealand where he asks a farmer there the same question.
“Ah, we’re with the Aussies on that one. Grab the bastard by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind.”
Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it.
“Well it’s bloody awkward, see – first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that.”
The student enquires: “If you don’t mind me asking, why don’t you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?”
The Welsh farmer looks bewildered. “Fuck it from behind? How are you supposed to kiss it?”
A farmer has successfully grown a crop of dildoes. Unfortunately he’s having trouble with squatters.
A young journalism student at Swansea University was assigned to write a human-interest story, so he went up into the mountains, where he found a farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, “Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?”
The farmer thought for a moment, then said, “I remember one time my neighbour’s daughter, a fne looking girl, got lost, see. So we formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her.”
“I can’t print that!” said the young student. “Can’t you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”
The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. “Oh! One time a neighbour’s sheep got lost, see. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it.”
Again, the young man said “I can’t write about that either. Let’s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?”
The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, “This one time, I got lost . . .”
Two farmers are in a bar. One says to the other, “I think my dog is gay.”
“How do you work that out then?” the other one asks.
“Because his cock tastes like shit.”
FEMINISTS
At the World Women’s Conference, a feminist speaker from Germany stood up: “At last year’s conference we talked about being more assertive with our husbands. After the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful full roast with all the trimmings.” The crowd clapped and cheered.
A second speaker from America stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his ironing and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own ironing but my ironing as well.” The crowd clapped and cheered.
A third speaker from England stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I wasn’t going to do his laundry any more and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists.
Feminists: if only they put all that passion into their cooking.
FIRST DATES
A man and a woman meet in a bar. They click, have a couple of drinks and end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment and, as he shows her around, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves on the bedroom wall, containing what must be hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, lovingly arranged in rows covering the entire wall. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf and massive teddy bears all the way along the top shelf. She didn’t think it was odd for a man to have such a large collection of teddy bears: on the contrary, she was quite impressed because it demonstrated his sensitive side.
Anyway, they share a bottle of wine, and then another, and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Maybe this guy could be the one! Could this be the father of my children?” She leans over and kisses him on the lips. They embrace and the passion builds, then he takes her in his arms, gently sweeps her off her feet and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make passionate love.
After a steamy night of raw passion with this sensitive gentleman, they lie there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
“Well, how was it?”
He smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: “It was great. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”
I took this girl home last week, got her stripped and saw she had the biggest vagina I’d ever seen. She asked, “Have you taken any precautions?”
“Yes,” I told her. “I’ve tied my feet to the bed rail.”
What should you do when your blind date starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
I went on a blind date last night with a stunning girl. We seemed to have a lot in common and had similar taste in films, music and hobbies. It was going really well until she asked me if I had any children. Unfortunately, “Yes, thousands on my hard drive” wasn’t really the answer she was looking for.
I went out with a girl last week and she told me she wanted to be “treated like a princess”. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.
This bloke and his date were parked up in a country lane some distance from town when they started kissing and fondling each other. Just then the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy.
She replies: “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute and I charge £20 for sex.”
The man thinks about this for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets a £20 note out of his wallet, pays her and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out of the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25.”
I met this girl in the pub the other night. After several drinks, I said to her, “Would you like to sit on my face?”
She replied, “Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?”
How can you tell if your date is a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons.
A man and woman meet at a speed-dating service. The man sits down and says, “I have just three questions.”
“Okay,” replies the woman.
He asks, “Do you like to clean?”
She says, “I love cleaning.”
He asks, “Do you like to cook?”
She says, “I love cooking.”
“Fantastic. I have one last question. Do you like sex?” She replies, “I like it infrequently.” He pauses and says, “Is that one word or two?”
I’ll never forget the first ever time I had sex. That’s because I kept the receipt.
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant, sitting opposite a stunning brunette who was alone at the next table. He has been checking her out ever since he sat down but didn’t have the nerve to strike up a conversation with her. Suddenly, she sneezed, and her glass eye few out of its socket in the man’s direction. Instinctively, he reached out and grabbed it out of the air and handed it back to her.
“Oh my God, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. “Please, allow me to buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
The man was delighted to accept her generous offer and they enjoyed a wonderful dinner together. Afterwards the woman invited him to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, they firted. Eventually she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast the next morning.
The following morning she cooked a beautiful breakfast and brought it to him in bed. The man couldn’t believe it was happening to him. It was his dream date!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?”
“No,” she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
Slow.
I lost my virginity to a retard. I always wanted the first to be special.
How do you know when a date is going badly?
When you spike your own drink with Rohypnol.
FISHING
It’s a beautiful sunny day so Tom decides to go fishing at his usual spot at a local river. When he gets there he is surprised to see an unfamiliar face fishing on the opposite side of the river. When Tom leaves that evening, the stranger is still sitting there. Tom comes back early the next morning, and the stranger is there again and is still fishing when Tom leaves that evening.
This routine continues for a few days until Tom can’t contain his curiosity any more. He approaches the stranger and says, “Excuse me, I can’t help noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and you’re still there when I leave every night. Don’t you have a home to go to?”
“I’m on my honeymoon,” replies the stranger. “My wife is in that log cabin up there on the hillside.”
“Shouldn’t you be up there with her then?” says Tom.
“I can’t touch her. She’s got gonorrhoea,” says the stranger.
“What about doing it in her tradesman’s entrance?” jokes Tom.
“I can’t. She suffers from chronic diarrhoea.”
“Well, it’s still your honeymoon, couldn’t you get her to give you a blow job?”
“Nope. She’s got pyorrhoea.”
“That’s terrible,” says Tom. “Why did you marry her then?”
“For the maggots.”
A youth walking along the pier notices an old man with his shoes off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod.
Puzzled, the youth asks, “What are you doing?”
The old man replies, “Fishing for cunts.”
“Sounds good. Can I join you?” replied the youth.
“No problem, son.”
The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says, “So, how many cunts have you caught today?”
The old man replies, “You’re the third this morning.”
Two fishermen, Tom and Sid, were out in a fishing boat on their favourite lake, catching very few fish but sinking a lot of beers. Suddenly Tom felt a little tug. Reeling it in, he found a bottle with a cork in it. He uncorked the bottle and a genie appeared. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.”
Tom thought for a while and said, “I wish this whole lake was beer.” His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favourite brew.
Sid said, “You
stupid cunt. Now we have to piss in the boat.”
Two men are sitting by a pond, fishing and enjoying a warm summer’s day.
A swimmer passes by and waves to the men. Suddenly, the swimmer sinks and fails to re-surface. After about ten minutes, the first angler casually asks the other if he saw what happened.
“Aye.”
“Don’t you think we ought to look for him?” says the first.
“Aye.”
So they put down their fishing rods, go in with their waders and drag out a lifeless body.
“I suppose we’d better give him the kiss of life,” says the second.
He gets down and opens the mouth of the victim.
“Fuck me, I’m not breathing into that, his breath smells fucking revolting.”
“Don’t be so fucking sensitive,” says the other angler, “it’s life or death, you cunt.”
The other angler attempts to give him the kiss of life, but is also repelled by the bad breath.
A third man, who had been watching from nearby, says, “I think you might have got the wrong man!”
“Say again?” ask the anglers.
“Only that one’s still got his ice skates on, see?”
FLATULENCE
A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their otherwise idyllic marriage arose from the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would disturb his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop farting because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it; after all, it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years when by, however, and he continued to let rip.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 17
