“Ah,” says the rabbi, “much fucking better than bacon, isn’t it?”
RABBITS
One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and raised. He dug a little hole under the fencing of the compound, and, as he scampered away, he felt grass under his little feet for the first time. He looked up at the sky and saw dawn breaking. “My!” he thought to himself. “What can that be? It’s amazing!”
He came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight. There were lots of other bunny rabbits, running around free, capering in the sunlight and nibbling at the lush green grass. “Hello!” he called out to them. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you rabbits too?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. The little rabbit hopped over to his new friends and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike the bland, tasteless food he had been fed all his life in the lab.
“What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.
“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field over there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” The little rabbit spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots he had ever eaten in his life. They were amazing. A bit later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that allotment over there? It has cabbages growing in it. We eat cabbages as well.” The cabbage tasted fantastic, even better than the carrots.
“Brilliant!” said he little rabbit. “Is there anything else you rabbits do?”
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and said in a low voice. “There is one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits over there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and give it a try.”
Well, our little rabbit spent the rest of the morning banging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the other rabbits.
“That was incredible,” he panted.
“So, are you going to live with us then?” one of his new friends asked.
“Sorry, I had a great time but I have to get back to the laboratory”.
The wild rabbits all stare at him in amazement. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I did – loved every minute of it,” the little rabbit replied. “But I’m dying for a fag.”
I gave an elderly rabbit a Viagra tablet but it died. I guess the moral of the story is, old rabbits die hard.
A little rabbit is running merrily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, “Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You’ll feel so much better!”
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it away and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit again says, “Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the lovely forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”
The elephant looks at them, looks at his liner of coke, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’ll feel so good!”
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and mauls the rabbit to death. The giraffe and elephant look on in horror and ask: “Lion, why did you do this? He was only trying to help you.”
The lion replies: “That little twat . . . he makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he takes a tab of ecstasy.”
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in his mouth. He panics, so he takes the dead chewed-up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts it back into the cage in his neighbour’s garden, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks him, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”
Lost for words, he manages to blurt, “Er . . . no . . . what happened?”.
The neighbour replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. The weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some really sick bastards out there!”
RACISM
How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
I was in New York riding the subway when a black man came up to me and said, “Do you know if the Yankees won?”
I replied, “You haven’t heard? Yes, the Yankees won . . . you’re free!”
Two Alabama cops are patrolling one afternoon when a young black teenager rides past on his bicycle. Seeing him, the first policeman takes out his gun and shoots the boy in the head. His partner says, “Why did you do that?”
“Because there is a strict six o’clock curfew on all niggers,” replies the shooter.
His mate says, “Yes, but it’s only 4.30.”
“I know,” says the shooter, “but I know where he lives, and he’d never get home by six o’clock.”
A black guy dies and goes to Heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter. St Peter says, “Heaven is very full at the moment and we are restricting entry only to people who have done something amazing with their lives. Have you ever done anything amazing in your life?”
The black guy replies, “In fact I have. I fucked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Ku Klux Klan.”
“No way!” says St Peter, “That is truly amazing! When did that happen?”
“Oh, about three minutes ago.”
A young black boy is helping his mum to bake bread in the kitchen when he gets four all over his face. He rubs the four around a bit and turns to his mum and says, “Look, momma, I’m a white boy!”
His mother slaps him hard across the face and says, “Go and tell your daddy what you just did!” The boy goes to his dad and says, “Look, dad, I’m a white boy!”
His father grabs the boy, throws him over his knee and slaps his arse really hard and says, “Go tell your granddaddy what you said!”
The boy finds his grandfather and says sheepishly: “Look, grandad, I’m a white boy!”
The grandfather grabs the boy, drags him to the bathroom, puts a block of soap in his mouth and begins to scrub his tongue with it, before sending him to his room with no dinner. Later that evening his mother calls him down to the lounge, where his family are all seated, and says, “Have you learned anything?”
The boy replies, “Yeah. I was only white for five minutes and already I hate you black motherfuckers.”
Five racists corner a Pakistani down an alley. They hand him a dice and tell him: “Throw a one, two, three or five and we are going to kick your head in.”
Seeing a possible escape route, the Pakistani cleverly throws a six.
“Well done,” says the ringleader. “You get another go.”
Police in Alabama found the body of black man hanging from a tree. His arms and legs had been removed, he had been set on fire and shot several times. The police said it was the worst suicide they had ever seen.
What do you call 100 black men buried up to their necks in soil?
Afro turf.
What is the difference between a black slave and snow tyres?
Snow tyres don’t sing when you wrap them in chains.
My boss is black and this week he called me into his office and accused me of being racist. I replied: “I don’t like your tone.”
Why did Terry’s launch a white chocolate orange?
So the black kids can have a dirty face at Easter.
A half-Jewish, half-black lad asks his mother, “Mum, am I mostly Jewish or mostly black?”
“That’s a silly question,” she replies. “Go and bother your father, already.”
; Off he goes to his father and asks: “Dad, would you say I’m mostly Jewish or mostly black?”
“You’re just you, son, why are you asking dumb-ass questions like that?”
“Well, my friend’s selling his bike for ffty quid and I don’t know whether to Jew him down to twenty-fve or just wait until dark and steal it.”
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
Tell him that asylum seekers kill paedophiles.
Why don’t black people go on cruises?
They’re not falling for that one again.
RATS
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in London’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He’s very taken with the sculpture so he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Five pounds for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and five hundred pounds more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
The purchase complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the road outside, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked a couple of blocks, at least three dozen rats are at his heels. He quickens his pace and breaks into jog as multitudes of rats emerge from sewers and basements. By now hundreds of rats are at his heels, and, as he sees the Thames embankment just ahead of him, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, by now in their thousands. By the time he comes running up to the river’s edge he has London’s entire rat population behind him. Making a mighty leap towards the water, he grabs a lamp-post, and hurls the bronze rat into the Thames as far as he can. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges into the river, where they drown. Shaken and dazed, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah, so you have come back for the rest of the story,” says the shop owner.
“No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze banker.”
Two rats in a sewer had been eating shit all day. One rat says to the other: “I’m sick of eating shit all day”.
“Cheer up,” says his friend. “We’re out on the piss tonight!”
REDNECKS
How many rednecks does it take to grease a combine?
Only two if you run them through real slow.
What do you call a redneck at college?
The cleaner.
How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time and know what to spit and what to swallow.
What’s the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
RELATIONSHIPS
A lucky guy had three girlfriends on the go but wasn’t sure which one to settle down with. So he decided to give each one £500 to see how they spent it. The first girlfriend went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought herself clothes, a new hairdo, manicure and pedicure. When she came back she told him, “I spent the money so I could look gorgeous for you because I love you so much.” He was very touched and quite aroused and they had lots of great sex.
The second girlfriend went out and bought him a new fat-screen TV. “I bought this gift for you with the money you gave me because I love you so much,” she said. He loved his new telly!
The third girlfriend took his £500 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, gave him the original £500 back and reinvested the rest. She told him, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” She made enough money to buy him a new car.
After thinking long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient.
Two guys and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The first guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy says, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replies: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
I used to think I was the world’s greatest lover, until I found out that my girlfriend had asthima.
I met this girl in a bar and I said to her: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
She replied: “If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”
I said: “That works for me, as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it up your arse.”
The other day I told my girlfriend that she was like Marmite. She said, “What, you either love me or you hate me?”
“No,” I replied, “you’re black and you smell.”
What’s the funniest thing about one-night stands?
Leaving a note on the fridge telling them you have AIDS.
“My girlfriend dumped me just before she got run over. I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type. Now she knows what rejection feels like.”
I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I was quite upset. My mum reassured me, “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.”
I replied, “Yes I know, but it isn’t just the smell I miss.”
Why do men hold hands with their girlfriends in public?
If they let go then the bitch might start shopping.
I met this girl last night and she was a right ugly cow. I said to her “What’s your name?”
“Wednesday,” she replied.
“That’s a very unusual name,” I said.
“She said, “Yes. Apparently when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, ‘I think we’d better call it a day.’”
Why is sex like paintballing?
Because you play hard for thirty minutes and when it’s over you’re all hot and sweaty and glad that you’re not the one taking a shot to the face.
How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
When you open her legs a light comes on.
When I was fourteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend.
When I was sixteen, I finally dated a girl, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I got to date this really passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was a drama and she cried all the time and threatened to kill herself.
So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very nice, quite stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.
My life was so dull and predictable that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did crazy, impetuous things and firted with all my mates. She made me miserable more times than she made me happy. She was great fun at first and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found this smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. Unfortunately she was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a bird with big tits.
RELIGION
A Jew, a Roman Catholic and a Mormon were talking one day and the subject of family size came up.
The Jewish man said, “My wife just gave birth, so now I have enough children for a basketball team.”
The Roman Catholic chipped in, “With the recent addition to our family I now have enough kids for a baseball team!”
The Mormon replied, “When I marry my next wife I’ll have enough holes for a golf course.”
A bloke was walking across a bridge one d
ay when she saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump. He ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Are you religious?”
He replied, “Yes.”
“Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
The man replied: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.
Religions in Brief
Taoism – shit happens.
Buddhism – if shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam – if shit happens, blame the infidels.
Protestantism – shit won’t happen if I work hard enough.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 39
