A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Fuck!” A bad skydiver goes, “Fuck!” WHACK!
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.
What’s the similarity between skydiving and getting a blow job from your grandmother?
They both feel exhilarating so long as you don’t look down.
A blind man takes up skydiving, to the general amazement of his friends. When one of them asks how this was possible, he explains: “Everyone is extremely helpful. I am placed in the door with my blind dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” someone asks.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 fleet from the ground,” the blind man replies.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?”
“No problem – the dog’s leash goes slack.”
Did you hear about the Irish skydiver who fell to his death?
His flippers failed to open.
SMOKING
My doctor told me: “If you had X-ray vision and looked at your lungs, you’d never smoke again.”
“Too right I wouldn’t,” I replied. “I would be much too busy looking through girls’ underwear.”
Two nuns were enjoying a furtive cigarette at the back of the convent. One said, “We’d better make sure we get rid of the cigarette butts so mother superior doesn’t find them.”
The second nun says, “I’ve found a great invention called the condom that solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.”
The first nun is quite impressed and asked where she could get them. “You get them at the pharmacist’s, sister, just go in and ask.”
So the next day the sister went to the pharmacist’s and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” said the pharmacist. “What can I do for you today?”
“I’d like some condoms, please,” said the nun. He was a little taken aback, but recovered quickly and asked, “Certainly, how many would you like? There are twelve to a pack.”
“I’ll take six packs, that should last about a week,” she replied.
The pharmacist steadied himself and asked, “Sister, so what will it be then? Ribbed, coloured, favoured or a French tickler perhaps? We have small, medium, large and extra large.”
The sister thought for a minute and said, “I’m not sure, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?”
“I’m trying to give up two of my worst habits, smoking and wanking. I am finding it very difficult because I’m a thirty-a-day man. Also I smoke like a chimney.”
Life is like a box of cigarettes. You never know which cancer you’re going to get.
If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?
My wife asked me how I could carry on smoking with the knowledge that I was killing myself.
“It’s easy,” I replied. “I also know I’m killing you through passive smoking.”
SPERM
Two Irishmen had a bad day while visiting the sperm bank in London. Patrick missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.
Two prostitutes are in a lift. One says to the other, “Can you smell spunk!”
“Sorry,” says the other. “I’ve just burped.”
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They refuse to stop for directions.
A seventy-five-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the seventy-five-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The old man explained, “Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor couldn’t believe his ears. “You asked your neighbour?”
The old man replied, “Yes. But no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the jar open!”
Why is a man’s urine yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he’s coming or going.
What’s the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?
An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.
What did one gay sperm say to another?
“How do we find an egg in all of this shit?”
One sperm says to the other: “How far is it to the ovaries?” The other one replies: “Relax, dude. We just passed the tonsils.”
SPORT
I have just bought a racehorse called “My Face”. It is a crap horse but I can’t wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming, “COME ON MY FACE.”
Three men go on a skiing trip in the Austrian Alps. The ski lodge is overbooked so they all have to share a bed. The next morning, when they wake up, one guy says: “That was weird. I had a dream that this beautiful woman was wanking me off last night!”
The guy on the other side of the bed says; “No, I’ll tell you what’s weird – I had the exact same dream!”
The bloke in the middle suddenly looks worried.
“What’s wrong?” ask his pals.
He replies, “Last night I dreamt I was skiing . . .”
The snooker player Steve Davis pulls a groupie after a tournament and they end up, several drinks later, in his hotel room. Desperate to shag her idol she strips her clothes off and gets on all fours presenting her arse. Steve, being a man who likes to take his time, slowly unzips his trousers, meanwhile staring at the girl’s arse from every possible angle, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head.
“Are you going to fuck me or what?” demands the girl.
“Defnitely,” says our Steve, “I’m just making my mind up if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown.”
I was once asked to run a marathon and I replied, “No chance!” But then I was told it was for disabled and blind kids, so I thought “Fuck it – I could win that!”
What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
What do you call a woman who can spread her legs from one side of a tennis court to the other?
Annette.
What is the toughest thing about roller-blading?
Telling your parents you’re gay.
Who was the last twenty-stone man to ride a derby winner?
Lester Piggott’s cell mate.
Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano?
His undertaker.
STEPHEN HAWKING
What does Stephen Hawking do when he needs a shit?
Log out.
Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.
I’ve been trying to phone Stephen Hawking all week but he’s never in. All I ever get is an automated answer.
Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve walk into a bar. Not really.
Stephen Hawking went on a blind date. She left after fifteen minutes, complaining that she didn’t like his tone.
Stephen Hawking has written a new book. It’s called Around the House in Eighty Days.
After divorcing his abusive wife Stephen Hawking joined a computer dating agency. After submitting all of his details and running the report he was matched up with an iPad.
What did Professor Stephen Hawking say after his computer crashed?
Nothing.
If knowledge is power, how come Stephen Hawking is such a weedy little fucker?
STEVIE WONDER
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nbsp; Did you know that Stevie Wonder has a tree house?
No, neither does he.
What’s black and loud?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What goes – Click-Click – “Is that it?” – Click-Click – “Is that it?” – Click-Click – “Is that it?”
Stevie Wonder with a Rubik’s Cube.
Stevie walks into a store with his blind dog. Suddenly, he jerks on the leash, pulls the dog into the air over his head and starts swinging it around his head.
The manager rushes over and says, “Stevie! Is there something wrong?”
“Nope,” replies Stevie. “I’m just having a good look around.”
What is the defnition of endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
What does Stevie Wonder’s wife do when they’ve had a fight?
She rearranges the furniture.
What is the fastest thing on land?
Stevie Wonder’s speedboat.
Stevie Wonder was in a terrible car accident the other week. His whole life flashed before his ears.
Stevie Wonder is having a meal with Tiger Woods when he challenges Tiger to a round of golf.
“You can’t be serious,” replies Tiger. “At the risk of sounding rude. you’re blind. How the hell are you even going to find your ball?”
“No problem,” replies Stevie. “I play regularly with a ball with a bell inside it. And I bet you $10 million that I can whup your ass!”
“Okay then,” agrees Tiger, “but on condition that we’ll do it for charity.”
“Done,” says Stevie.
“Okay,” says Tiger. “When do you want to do it?”
“Any night next week.”
What is Stevie Wonder’s favourite colour?
Corduroy.
Stevie Wonder is being interviewed by Jonathan Ross. “So, Stevie,” says Ross, “you’ve had a fantastic career, you’re a great singer, a great musician, a wonderful performer and a fabulous composer. How do you cope with being blind?”
Stevie replies, “It’s not a problem. I just thank God I’m not black.”
“Roses are black,
Violets are black,
Everything is black.
Stevie Wonder, aged four.”
SUICIDE
I work for the Samaritans. I tried to call in sick this morning but the bastards talked me out of it.
A young woman in London was depressed and decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded in agreement. What did she have to lose? A fresh start in America could give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From that day on, every evening he brought her some sandwiches and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to America, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” said the captain. “This is the Woolwich ferry.”
I had a friend who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
Did you hear about the suicidal wanker?
He tossed himself off a bridge.
I’ve been saving a fortune lately. Instead of spending a fortune phoning expensive sex lines, I call the Samaritans and say, “Talk dirty or I’ll top myself!”
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour bridge one day, listening to some music in his car, when suddenly he spots his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge. Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, “Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?”
Sheila turns around, with tears welling up in her eyes. “Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don’t want to be a burden, so I’m just gonna kill myself!”
Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. “Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you’re a fucking good sport about it too!”
I phoned the Samaritans the other day and was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they asked me if I could fly a plane.
SUICIDE BOMBERS
Suicide bombers. What makes them tick?
What’s the difference between Basil Brush and a suicide bomber?
A suicide bomber only goes BOOM.
Two Muslim women are walking down the road with tight-fitting rucksacks, when one says to the other, “Does my bomb look big in this?”
What’s the difference between a Muslim extremist and a packet of Smarties?
Smarties don’t blow up in the tube.
A Muslim suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise. Once there, he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon.
“What did you expect?” Allah says to him. “Why do you suppose they’re still virgins?”
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow-up doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?”
Bemused, the man replies, “What’s the difference?”
“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up.”
Two Palestinian mothers are sitting in the cafe, reminiscing over a pint of goat’s milk. One of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures. “This is my oldest son Mohammed. He’s twenty-four years old now.”
“Yes, I remember him as a baby,” says the other mother.
“He’s a martyr now, though,” the mum confides.
“Oh, so sad,” says the other.
“And this is my second son Ahmed. He’s twenty-one.”
“I remember him,” says the other, “he was so bonny when he was born.”
“He’s a martyr too,” says mum.
“Oh dear . . .” says the other.
“And this is my youngest. My beautiful Khalid. He’s eighteen.”
“Yes,” says the friend. “I remember when he first started school.”
“He’s a martyr also,” says the mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks at the photographs and says, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”
How does a shoe bomber walk?
Very carefully.
SUPERMARKETS
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and asked to speak to the manager. The boy went to see his boss and explained: “Some prick wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he realized the customer was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the sale and the customer went about his business. Later the manager called the boy into his offce. “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. I like people who think on their fleet. Where are you from, son?”
“Essex, sir,” the boy replied.
“You’re a long way from home. Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked.
The boy answered, “Well sir, as my dad always said, there’s nothing but whores and footballers there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.”
“No shit!” the boy replied. “Who does she play for?”
A woman was shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, six eggs, a carton of juice and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in the line watches her place the four items on the belt and says to her, “You must be single.”
The woman looks at the four items on the belt and smiles back at him.
“That’s right. How did you know?”
He replies, “Because you’re very ugly.”
Two lions are walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”
A prostitute goes to pay for her shopping at the supermarket checkout.
“I’m awfully sorry miss,” says the assistant, “but this £50 note is counterfeit.”
“Help!” she yells. “I’ve been raped!”
I went to the supermarket and when I got to the checkout my trolley was overfowing with items. Standing just behind me was a poor old lady with only a tin of peas and a few sausages in her basket.
I said, “Is that all you’ve got, love?”
Her little face lit up and said, “Yes, dear.”
I replied, “Well, fuck off to another till then, I’m going to be ages.”
I was in Tesco yesterday, and a woman dropped dead in front of me. I felt really bad for her, she’d just bought a bag for life.
A little boy gets lost in the supermarket. Eventually a shop assistant sees him wandering around, and he tells her, “I can’t find my mum.”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 45
