by Sabrina York
Maybe they find it arousing. Whatever.
The baby Doms are often unintentionally hilarious. Online profiles of twenty-something Doms will proclaim the Dom’s prowess and experience even if the guy is maybe twenty-one. I’ve met Doms who still live with their parents. I wonder where they plan to tie me up—in their little twin bed in Mom and Dad’s house? Really?
A subset of individuals in the secret society are the trolls. To the rest of the online world, a troll is a negative SOB, a flamer who spreads hate-speak. In Fetland, however, I’m told that trolls are folks who will post something like this:
I pass through YourTown regularly and am looking to meet a sexy sub for regular encounters…
In other words, they’re just trolling for casual sex, looking for a submissive to use and abuse. Often married, they’re not honest or strong enough to talk with their partner about their needs, nor are they smart enough to adjust their lives so they can openly be who they are.
A mistake that many regularly make is assuming that kinky equals loose. It doesn’t. A smart kinkster, whether a top or a bottom, carefully and intelligently analyzes every new person and situation in terms of personal safety.
I don’t judge, but I have noticed that BDSM attracts more than its share of control freaks, sociopaths and narcissists. Many call themselves “Dominants.”
Chapter Three
Domly Doms, the Value of Ritual and Vocabulary Issues
A subspecies of Dominant that is both amusing and annoying is the “Domly Dom.” The most distinguishing trait of this creature is his arrogance. The second most obvious feature is fear.
This guy (and he’s usually male. I have rarely met a Domly Domme) will tell you that he was in the Janus Society since the dawn of time and knew Jay Wiseman when SM 101 was a pile of scribbled notes. Their garb is invariably black leather and chains, with at least one adoring slave as an accoutrement.
If unattached, a Domly Dom often will display his arrogance by hitting on another Dom’s sub without consent or issuing orders to a sub who is not yet his. For example, on one occasion I had planned to meet a prospective Dom for lunch. Via text messaging, he “ordered” me to wear a short skirt with no panties. Being a switch, I found his attitude arrogant. When I cancelled—politely of course—he sent me a series of increasingly nasty, threatening texts. I felt that I had a narrow escape. An angry Dom is a dangerous Dom.
The reason I state that their second most distinguishing trait is fear is due to their oft-repeated statements that they’d never bottom. Most knowledgeable folks in this field state that it’s important for a top to understand the bottom’s experience, but discussing the possibility with a Domly Dom often will bring on an over-the-top negative reaction, including more than a little vehemence. One gentleman I know had good reason—he’d been abused as a child and didn’t care to repeat the experience or anything like it. Others simply flip out, ranting that if they wanted to know how their slave feels, they’d ask, so they had no reason to be restrained or spanked.
My personal belief is that I would never use an implement on another person if I didn’t try it on myself first. Any other course of action isn’t responsible. So I can be spotted in many a store whacking myself with a rope or slapping my arm with a ruler.
No wonder people think I’m strange.
One day, I was discussing erotic romance writing with another author. Lisa Marie Rice stated that she writes romances with explicit, steamy sex, but avoids BDSM because of the excessive emphasis on ritualized conduct. I understood that. As an author, I want to surprise the reader, and ritual is the opposite of surprise. But I mentioned to Lisa that the BDSM community values rituals and routines because so many have evolved due to safety concerns. BDSM can be a high-risk activity, and the more edgy the play, the more risky it is.
I avoid very edgy play. I have no desire to stick anyone with needles or be stuck with one. I have no need to endure scat, fisting or knife play, and have no need to subject anyone else to those. My first Dom liked breath control play, which can lead to asphyxiation if one isn’t careful. I trusted Trapper to take care of me—at least physically—so I found it dull and the mask he used irritating.
One ritual of great importance is the negotiation. Unless partners are very experienced with each other and comfortable with each other, every scene is—or should be—preceded by negotiation. A signal that a Dom is potentially dangerous may be his lack of desire to negotiate very early in a relationship. He wants complete control too soon.
And, those few times when I have gone along with a Dom who said, “Oh, let’s just play it by ear,” have generally been awful. Indeed, I’ve terminated play sessions in most of these cases. Most often, these arrogant Doms don’t know what they’re doing, haven’t planned a scene properly and therefore, it goes badly.
That hasn’t happened often or recently. I’m generally a quick study.
Surprises are great, but only a very experienced and knowledgeable Dom can be trusted to create a solid scene that will end well absent negotiation. Those scenes are best with a sub who has had experience with that particular Dom and his style, and vice versa.
What do we negotiate?
Of course we discuss the same issues that vanilla couples must talk about, such as contraception, other partners and STIs. But there’s more—a lot more—for two or more kinksters to review.
When interviewing a prospective partner, usually online, I’ll ask about his preferred activities and fetishes. If I discover that he’s deeply into, say, fisting, scat or needle play, I’ll politely wish him well and send him on his way. If our fetishes mesh, I’ll arrange a meeting to see if we click. If I’m not feeling the glow—same routine.
If we click, and decide to play, then the really serious negotiation begins. First I ask to see his driver’s license, and take a photo of it with my smartphone so I can check him out. If I find something on the internet that raises a red flag, again, I’ll bid him farewell.
A discussion of physical limitations is critically important. For example, I have a fragile neck, and have observed that many Doms like to grab a sub’s hair and use it for control, often jerking the head about. I have to caution every lover I meet never to do that—one hard yank and I’m in severe pain for, literally, months.
Another couple of hard boundaries for me are piercing or cutting the skin and creating permanent injuries or marks. Many Doms enjoy marking their subs. Trapper loved seeing how he’d marked me after a whipping, and I have to admit, I did also, even though keeping the bruises private from nosy roommates was difficult. But he was skilled enough that he left no permanent marks—on my body, at least.
Others may have conditions that limit their ability to engage in various forms of play or to use certain types of equipment. Allergies to latex and the active ingredient in many spermicides are common.
So, many hard boundaries are health-related while others are more about preferences. I’ve mentioned I have numerous, specific hard boundaries—frankly, since I’ve entered this new world, I’ve discovered fetishes previously unknown to me. Some I’m willing to explore while others engender an immediate “ick” reaction. So as time goes on, not only do I find more fun activities to try, but also learn about kinks to avoid.
Some hard boundaries are emotional. Some folks are claustrophobic, and avoid cages, hoods or even blindfolds. As for me, I need to know I’m valued in all of my relationships, whether they be romantic, kinky, familial or friendly. So I resist humiliation or objectification, which to many Doms is the point of it all.
Often BDSM play will not involve sex. For many, the play is sufficiently arousing or engaging absent sex, and no sexual contact is permitted. If the participants are new to each other, they may wish to play without sex or with limited contact, such as breast play only.
Some kinksters aren’t into pain at all, which to me begs the question. However, they may enjoy being bound or other forms of D/s play, such as breath control, service, or animal play. This,
by the way, does not refer to bestiality but the desire to pretend to be an animal, most often a puppy, cat or pony. It seems to be a return to childhood—one of my nieces collected “My Little Ponies” and, as a toddler, pretended she was “Rosedust the Flutter Pony” for hours. Apparently adults enjoy this also, and extend the fetish to anime or superhero characters. “Cosplay,” or costume play, encompasses animal play as well and is mainstream to the extent that it’s defined in the Urban Dictionary and Wikipedia.
Kinksters don’t wait for Halloween to dress up. Masquerades and themed parties at dungeons are frequent, such as pirate parties or military balls.
A popular form of role play can be found amongst “Babygirls” and their “Daddy Doms.” I’m not interested, but was surprised at the extent of this particular quirk.
I have a taste for younger men, the hotter the better. I was corresponding for awhile with an attractive bisexual switch I’ll call Jim. Jim was twenty-six and an actor, an intern with a local theatre company. Blond and rugged, he was completely my type until, out of left field, he asked me to call him “Daddy.”
At the time I was fifty-seven years old.
WTF?
Actually, the kink has roots so obvious I won’t bother discussing them. In fact, the number of kinksters who will admit to having been abused or neglected as children is astounding. (Actually, the number of people in our society who are abuse victims is astounding, but that’s not the subject of this writing).
If role playing feels good to these folks, more power to them, I say. And many find BDSM play or the rituals healing.
A scene—an encounter between two fetish-minded individuals—also has its share of ritual, even if the participants know each other well. One ironclad rule is never to leave a bound sub alone, especially if the sub is gagged. Prosecutions for injuries or deaths during BDSM play are rare, but those that do occur are often the result of a Dumb-inant leaving a helpless sub alone.
The use of intoxicants should be covered. I haven’t been to every play space or dungeon around, but I have never encountered one that sells alcohol or allows obviously drunk or stoned people to play. A severely impaired Dom is a dangerous Dom, and a severely impaired sub is someone who will push himself or herself too far to please the top, courting injury.
Safe words and safe gestures are of great importance, and these must be negotiated and communicated. A common safe word is “red,” which allows the use of “yellow” as a warning that a sub’s limits are being tested by the play. If a sub is gagged, a safe gesture is necessary for the sub to communicate to the Dom that s/he is in distress and that they play must stop—sort of like tapping out of a wrestling or sparring match.
Subs dislike using safe words. We want to please our Doms and will ignore crossed boundaries to do so. An alert Dom must frequently check his sub’s physical and emotional condition. Even if a sub is gagged, checking his or her genitals for arousal will assure a top that the bottom is having fun.
And, as I’ve mentioned, some Doms will ignore safe words. Fortunately, those arrogant jerks are easy to identify—they’ll often tell you that they ignore safe words. If they’re willing to do that, chances are that they don’t care about their sub’s well-being and should be avoided.
Other verbal cues are discussed; some male dominants prefer to be called “Sir” while others insist upon “Master.” As a Dominatrix, I insist my subject use my name every time he opens his mouth, even if it’s merely to ask leave to speak. I refuse to allow objectification even to the degree of being addressed as “Mistress.” But that’s a personal preference, one that’s discussed prior to assuming a role.
Scenes generally start soft and get harder, so to speak, as they go along. After they peak—which will ideally be multiple Os for both and/or sub space for the sub—they’ll resolve into softer activities and then taper off, often into cuddling, after care and clean-up. (A public dungeon or play space will require meticulous clean-up of the area and the equipment used, for obvious reasons).
Sometimes participants may wish to enact specific fantasies. I’ve already mentioned role play such as animal play and Daddy/babygirl scenarios. Many, regardless of gender, enjoy enacting a rape fantasy. Others may don military costumes to “interrogate,” then “torture,” bound subjects.
“Spanking the naughty schoolgirl” is such a common scenario that every sex store I have ever entered sells those pleated, plaid skirts that seem to be de rigueur for a private school’s uniform. Of course, the skirt that a sex store sells is likely to be pornographically short and may fasten by way of Velcro for easy removal.
Occasionally I’ll be with a switch, so an initial question is “who’s on top first?” I don’t often switch, so if I’m with someone for the first time, I’ll generally bottom—which is fine by me.
Many prefer to play with a couple, or may be in a couple and wish to play with another couple or a single person—so a good question is, “Who’s showing up to this party?” Then the negotiations become really complex!
“Where’s the party? And when?” Often, the answers to these questions aren’t as simple as, “Meet me Saturday night at the bar.” Doms who are members of what I call “the secret society” often will refuse to ever play or even meet in the city in which they reside. As for me, I enjoy play spaces or dungeons for the fun equipment they provide, but conversely, I’m not an exhibitionist. I do not like to be watched or, worse, photographed or videotaped, so I need my Dom to ensure my privacy; this is a hard limit for me.
“What happens after the party?” As I’ve mentioned, emotions may run high during a scene and after care may be necessary. There seems to be general agreement that after care is essential, including checking in with each other for up to three days after a scene. It’s necessary to decide who will call whom, at what time, and crucial to keep that commitment.
Relationships between Doms and subs also involve rituals, especially if the relationship is 24/7/365—a total power exchange or TPE. Negotiation as described above is one. With a TPE, discussions can be very detailed and may involve a written contract or set of rules.
Another ritual of great importance to many is “collaring,” which in the minds of many is akin to marriage. I have been invited to collaring ceremonies and even to parties that were anniversaries of collaring ceremonies.
But the importance of a collar isn’t universal. “Posture collars,” are wide leather bands used for the purpose of (you guessed it) correcting a sub’s posture, and other types of training collars exist. Some collars are referred to as “scene collars,” that is, collars worn during a scene only. Trapper collared me immediately without any discussion of its significance, so I gather that it had no emotional value for him. He simply preferred me completely controlled, and a collar was another mechanism for that. Of course, I would have unhesitatingly done whatever he wanted, so everything he put on me—cuffs, hood and so on—were also symbolic of control, tactile and visual reminders that I was his to use as he pleased.
Self-collaring is a personal or group ritual that is becoming popular. As stated, many kinksters treat a collar with the same respect as a wedding ring, an external validation of worth. Self-collaring states that the individual owns himself or herself, a personal declaration of independence and a visual, tactile reminder of self-worth.
I am neither collared nor self-collared. I look forward to the day when I feel worthy of self-collaring.
Couples or groups will evolve individual rituals which serve multiple purposes. While avoiding habit by keeping protocols infused with meaning, rituals reinforce the roles of both partners, making everyone involved feel valued. Such rituals are part of training and can vary tremendously between or among partners. They may involve messaging at specific times with specific content, scheduled discipline or training sessions, or anything that an inventive, kink-minded person can create.
A ritualistic habit which many Domly Doms—and other Doms with an inflated sense of their importance—will indulge
in is what I call the Proud Pronoun. For example, I have often received messages like this one:
I want you. Thursday sounds good to Me. I have been working on My schedule…What if we meet at My place?
And from a protocol-minded switch, I’ll occasionally see notes like this:
I/i am very interested in Y/you. I/i will be going to a dungeon Saturday night. Any chance I/i can see Y/you and perhaps have M/my way with Y/you? Or vice versa?
As I/i am a writer and an editor, Y/you can imagine M/my reaction.
A smaller group within the BDSM community call themselves “Goreans,” and have patterned their ritualistic lifestyles after a world called “Gor” in a series of badly written science fiction novels by John Norman. I have had no personal experience with Goreans, and can’t imagine that I will, not after reading the first book in the series. It was that bad.
Although kinksters value good communication, we frequently encounter issues due to the unusual vocabulary we employ. We use many words far differently than others do, and though we talk and talk and talk, sometimes we find ourselves going around in circles due to differing definitions of a word—despite online BDSM glossaries.
A good example is “single.” When a person states his or her relationship status as “single,” my interpretation is that s/he isn’t fucking any one person consistently. “Available” to me means that s/he is screwing around but is still looking, also—perfectly okay if everyone involved is informed and no one gets hurt.
However, my interpretation isn’t universal. One guy I know, Liam, is a serial monogamist but not emotionally attached to anyone. He feels he’s single even when involved with a specific person.
Another man, Ethan, used the word in a whole new way. We met on Fetlife and started to correspond, finding much on our profiles that indicated compatibility. Of course, it didn’t hurt that he ticked all my boxes physically—long dark hair, well-built, nice features. He also seemed articulate and intelligent, traits I find essential, and talked much about BDSM with a spiritual bent. We met a couple of times to discuss our mutual interest in each other as well as our other shared values. He professed to require a deep spiritual connection to engage in lovemaking, and certainly in kinky sex, which can be very intense.
