by Dawn Cook
Her heart beat wildly, and she blinked several times as if trying to replace herself. She thought it had been a dream. She had become feral, and that new state had evolved its own identity to suppress her true self. She had made a pact with it in order to regain control.
Alissa’s eyes widened, and she froze, afraid to move. What had she done! She had given her word to a beast! How could she trust it not to take over again? It could be lying!
“A beast can’t lie,” came a confused thought into hers. “I would have ripped out your throat already if I could. You let me live because I have something you don’t.”
Alissa gulped. “And what’s that?”
“The memory of your first flight.”
She felt herself slump in understanding, and her pulse began to slow. The beast was right. Alissa would allow her feral incarnation to exist as a silent observer. In turn, she would be able to relive, if just for a moment, the insurmountable feeling of absolute freedom. If Alissa had destroyed her feral side, the memory of her first, wild flight would be lost. She would be less.
“That’s why you won’t destroy me,” whispered her beast into her thoughts, sounding relieved.
Nervous, Alissa glanced at Useless.
“He can’t hear. We speak too deep,” the beast murmured, and Alissa felt it settle so deep into her unconscious as to almost disappear. “Don’t worry,” the beast said around a yawn. “I won’t overstep my bounds. We have a pact, and that comes before all.”
“Love comes before all things,” Alissa said timidly.
“Love?” It was a sleepy hint of a question.
“Yes.” Alissa began to smile, remembering Strell’s last words. Then she warmed in embarrassment. Strell had said he loved her. In front of everyone! And she had done the same.
Useless stirred, settling deeper into the sunbeam. “Did you say something?”
“No, nothing at all,” Alissa replied lightly, terribly relieved her beast appeared to have vanished. Perhaps it was gone for good. With a grimace, she noticed her entire color had shifted two shades to pink. She was blushing. “Oh, Hounds,” she groaned. “Doesn’t this form have any advantages?” But then she noticed something that completely overwhelmed her current state of embarrassment. “Useless!” she cried, taking on an almost red tint. “Where are my clothes!”
Shaking in silent laughter, Useless stood and stretched like a cat. There were long, painful-looking scratches across his belly and forearms. Alissa felt a stab of chagrin. It was his blood under her nails. “Now that,” he chuckled, “would look silly. A raku in a skirt and hat.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” she thought, crouching to curl her tail over her face.
Useless surveyed the sky. “You’ll become used to it,” came his light thought, “but to answer your question, you broke them, and everything else on your person, down to their constituent atoms, using them to add to your considerably increased bulk.”
Obviously he didn’t care one whit about her discomfort, and Alissa slipped her head above her tail, not understanding what a consituent atom was, but very sure she was now lacking even the smallest stitch of clothing. “Where did the rest of my mass come from?” she asked, thinking of all those long mornings of sewing wasted. Ashes, even her brand-new hat was gone.
“Your source,” he answered simply. “It acts like a sponge, absorbing and releasing mass or energy as needed.”
Alissa was going to ask him to explain further, but there was a fluttering, and she turned to see Talon land on the top of a nearby hemlock. “Talon!” she cried aloud, but what came out was a low rumble. Alissa drew back in surprise, but Talon recognized it, or her, and abandoned the bobbing perch. The tiny bird hovered, scolding all the while, until Alissa extended a single digit for her.
“She appeared a few moments after Strell and the Warden left,” Useless told her as Alissa gingerly scratched the top of the bird’s head. “She knew right off it was you. I thought it would take her all day to get out of the snare I set her in.” His eyes narrowed in response to Alissa’s cooing rumbles. “But apparently, she is as clever as her mistress sometimes appears to be.”
“What a lovely little mouse,” Alissa praised her, ignoring his exasperated look. “Go ahead and take it. I’m not hungry.” Actually, she was starving. That sweet roll was ages ago. “And how clever of you to know it was I,” she added warmly, tossing the dead thing into the air. Talon couldn’t possibly hear her, but her actions were familiar, and the bird seemed to know Alissa had acknowledged and refused her offering. With a quick snatch, Talon had it and was on the stubby remains of a tree to consume her meal.
Alissa swallowed hard at her bird’s rip and tear. The smell of dead mouse caught at her. Feeling ill, she turned away. “How do I turn back?” she asked weakly.
“We weren’t prepared, child,” Useless thought gently. “It will take nearly a decade for you to remember your first form unless you have a tooth or nail from it to induce your memory.”
“Useless?” She winced, holding a hand to her middle as she took in that splendid bit of news. “I don’t feel so good.”
His eyes widened. “Take a deep breath, Alissa. You’re looking gray.”
Alissa fixed her eyes upon the ground. She could still smell Talon’s dinner, and it only made things worse. Her bird’s dietary habits had always been hard for Alissa to take, but now, with her increased sensitivity to smells, it seemed almost unbearable. “Oh, no!” she exclaimed, feeling herself go ashen. “Useless, I’m gonna—”
The rest of her thought went unvoiced as she was overtaken by the dry heaves—as if things weren’t bad enough. Useless patiently waited, trying not to look too obvious about it, until she regained control of herself again. Near to tears, she huddled in a large lump of misery “Useless?” she whispered into his mind. “I want to go home.”
She had never asked for this, any of it, and she wanted her old life back. Even her mother’s rock-hard biscuits would be welcome. Maybe, she thought wretchedly, she could even eat one now. With all her sharp, new teeth, it might be possible.
“You are home,” Useless murmured. “Listen to the wind, Alissa. Hear it call?”
Alissa looked up, only to be stunned at his silhouette against the dusky heavens. He was gazing deeply into the early evening sky, evaluating it, as she now guessed, for a particular tint that indicated an updraft. But what shocked her was his longing, his need to be in it. Useless, the most reserved, sedate soul she knew, had the lonely spirit of a wanderer, a poet, a warrior.
Sitting straighter, Alissa focused on the pristine heavens as well, losing herself in their unfathomable depths. As she did, a curious sensation slipped over her. It was a relaxed tautness, instilling a curious feeling of a want, and she shifted restlessly.
Useless pulled his gaze from the deepening blue to her. “Yes. You do hear.” Then he harrumphed, and his usual grumpy demeanor slipped back over him. But she had seen his yearning, and recognizing the same want in herself, she realized she could never go back to the life she had before. Ever. The thought was both comforting and frightening, and she trembled.
“You aren’t going to vomit again, are you?” Useless growled into her thoughts.
“Ah—no.”
“Good.” He snorted. “We need to go to Ese’ Nawoer.”
Alissa rose eagerly to her full height as thoughts of Strell filled her. She hesitated in surprise. The ground was quite a bit farther away now. “Strell is there?”
“Yes, and Lodesh, and—Bailic.”
“Bailic.” The word escaped her in a snarl, and she balked at the savage sound of it.
Useless turned to her, his brow raised in question. “Your dislike runs so deep already?”
“He has been nothing but an—irritation—for almost the better part of a year,” she thought.
Useless shifted his hide, giving the impression of a shrug.
“He has my book of First Truth?” she asked pointedly.
Useless nodded slowly, ev
enly, calmly.
“He strives to claim the citizens of Ese’ Nawoer?” she continued, her pulse increasing.
Again a slow nod.
“He bothers them with demands of battle?” Her long fingers, despite her efforts, began to twitch.
“I would be astounded if he weren’t,” was his placid answer.
“Then,” she concluded, “I would be done with him.”
“Why?” came his calming thought.
Alissa relaxed in sudden confusion. “So he doesn’t dominate the plains and foothills in a tyranny of cruelty and terror, that’s why.”
Shaking his head, Useless sighed. “Your background, young one, is showing.”
“Don’t you care?” she shouted into his mind.
“Of course I care.” He fixed a sharp eye to hers. “But he will only last a few decades longer, and everything will return to normal. He’s a passing thing. I wish to put an end to him as well.” Useless lost his outward calm, and his eyes glinted malevolently as he turned to the east. “But let’s be certain it’s for a reason that’s worth the risk.”
“Risk?” she asked.
“We can’t go about ridding the world of evil forces as if we were pulling weeds.”
Puzzled, Alissa sat on her haunches and waited.
“You have gardened?” he asked needlessly.
Slowly she blinked her answer.
“Then you know how if you care for a patch of favorites it becomes dependent upon you. First you must weed, then water, then even remove the very insects from the leaves. Slowly over the years, the plants multiply. The flowers become more numerous and larger, responding to your care by putting forth an overabundance of flower and fruit. Soon, though, you find yourself propping up stems gone soft from your attentive care. Even the rain, once a life-giving force, poses a serious threat as it weighs down the foliage. Once sturdy and strong, it’s now thin and weak, all its energy put to beauty and delight.
“Eventually, a storm comes up while you’re away, and you return to find your beloved garden devastated, destroyed by your own hand. Its neighbors, left untended and uncared for, are less colorful, less promising, but still standing, the neglect and poor conditions having made them strong.” Useless turned away, but not before she saw the deep regret in his eyes.
“I understand,” Alissa thought meekly, knowing he was speaking of Ese’ Nawoer, not his garden. “But must all the weeds go unpulled?”
Turning back to her, Useless smiled with his eyes. “No. The trick is to know which ones to pull, and why—and when.”
“Then we are going to kill him!” she shouted, and her wings, she was embarrassed to admit, nearly flew open.
Useless shook his head in patient understanding. “Let’s say we were going to do away with him. How would you do it?”
“Enclose him in an impervious field,” was her prompt answer.
“He would break it,” Useless thought dryly. “Bailic is wickedly quick with his wards and fields. He doesn’t have as much strength to draw upon or as large a scope of abilities as I, but what he does know, he has explored to its utmost. And he is a fast learner.”
“Oh.” Her knees suddenly weak, she sat back down.
“And if you have to take this much time to come up with a plan, he will undoubtedly kill you,” he said gently. “Bailic won’t sit idly by as you think up a plan of action.”
“Can’t I drop a big rock on him?” she suggested.
“He’d throw it back at you.” Useless chuckled. “That is, assuming you could even lift it.”
Depressed, Alissa lowered herself, propping her jaw up on her tail. “So I can’t kill him because I’m inexperienced,” she complained.
“That’s right,” Useless asserted. “And I expect you to stay in the background and mind your manners, girl, or you will stay here and miss all the excitement.”
Worried, Alissa sat back up. Talon flew from her perch to land upon Alissa’s head. “You wouldn’t.”
“I most assuredly would—student.” He glowered at Talon. “Go away. You look ridiculous up there,” he snapped, his thoughts stinging Alissa with his impatience.
Talon squawked and raised her feathers in an unusual display of temper as Useless waved at her. Alissa was forced to pluck her off and sit the bird on her hand as her shoulder was now too steep for Talon to perch upon.
Useless scowled at the two of them. “I’ll never hear the end of this,” he muttered. “A gray-eyed Master with a pet bird!”
Alissa froze in absolute misery. Her eyes had always been a source of ridicule and distrust, setting her apart from plains and hills people alike. Now it seemed she couldn’t make a proper raku, either.
“Come on,” Useless thought gruffly. “Let’s go.”
“I don’t want to.” Alissa looked at the ground, horribly depressed. Talon alternately crooned encouragingly to her and glared viciously at Useless, somehow knowing he was the reason for her unhappiness.
“Oh, for scattered tea leaves!” Useless sighed as she grew even more upset. She felt a tear form and slip down to make an audible splash at her feet. “Please, Alissa,” he said contritely. “I am sorry. You make an absolute first-rate raku.”
She looked up, desperately wanting to believe. “Really?”
“Yes, really.” He shifted awkwardly.
“But my eyes . . .”
“True, they’re not golden as are most,” he admitted. “But neither were my teacher’s, and he was a well-respected raku.”
Alissa sniffed, interested despite herself. “What color were his?”
“Brown,” was his quick response.
Brown, she mused. It wasn’t gray, or even blue, but it wasn’t gold, either. “The color of your eyes,” whispered her beast smugly, startling Alissa, “matters little when you can outfly every last winged being that dares to share the sky with you.” Alissa couldn’t help but smile, and Useless rolled his eyes, unaware that she could see him from the corner of her sight.
“Would you care to try a quick flight to test your wings?” Useless offered.
“Now?” her beast whispered eagerly.
With a practiced flip, Alissa launched Talon and watched as she rose, riding the visible air currents. “Now,” she agreed. With a controlled leap, Alissa was in the air and circling above the Hold before Useless had wiped the astonishment from his features.
Alissa couldn’t fly. She would have been scared out of her wits if Beast, as Alissa now referred to her, hadn’t taken control of their actions. It was as if glory swept through Alissa as she easily rode the air, the wind marking her passage in a cool, silky sensation, seeming to hum like Strell’s clay on the single miraculous occasion she centered it. It was a simple thing really, she thought, and Alissa wasn’t sure if it was her or Beast who had thought it.
Talon chattered wildly and flew circles around her, glad, Alissa supposed, to have her mistress in the air where the bird thought Alissa ought to be. The kestrel made a mock dive, and Alissa eagerly gave chase, Beast taking complete control of the situation. Darting erratically, her kestrel kept maddeningly out of reach. Spotting a moist, earth-scented updraft rising from an open field, Alissa rose high to drop upon her.
“Gotcha!” she cried in delight as her absurdly long-fingered hand closed upon empty air. Snorting in surprise, Alissa flipped head over tail to see where the bird had gone. With a burst of speed she caught up. Talon spun to the right and plunged once more. Consumed by the need to catch her, Alissa pirouetted on wing tip to follow. She was about to close the gap when Useless dived out of the sky to snatch Talon.
There was a startled squawk as Talon protested.
“Never forget your z-axis,” Alissa heard him say as he released her.
Grousing as only she could, Talon landed on Alissa’s head. “Oh, no you don’t,” Alissa vowed vehemently, doing barrel rolls until Talon left. A beast of burden she wasn’t. Talon could do her own flying.
“This way, Alissa,” Useless said, a wary tone in
his voice. “We must join Strell and the Warden.”
Wondering what she had done now, Alissa meekly followed his lead to Ese’ Nawoer. Its buildings and surrounding walls were visible in the distance, glowing red in the setting sun. What was once a morning’s walk was now a moment’s consideration.
“Where did you learn to fly like that?” Useless asked tightly as she drifted up alongside.
“Like what?” she thought, worried that perhaps she wasn’t supposed to know how to fly if her feral side had been destroyed. After all, Beast was the one who was flying, not her.
Useless reached out a wing tip and stole a small part of Alissa’s wind. Instinctively she compensated, losing very little momentum. “Oh, that!” Alissa flushed. “From watching Talon—I suppose.”
“M-m-m-m,” he said suspiciously. “Look at me,” he commanded, and his head swiveled close, his golden eyes seeming to glow.
As casually as she could, Alissa turned, praying he would only see a civilized, well-mannered farm girl mirrored in her eyes. For a long moment Useless searched her face. She wondered if he was going to ask to search her thoughts as well, but he turned away with a satisfied harrumph, willing to accept her answer as there could logically be no other. In hindsight, it must be true, for Beast was her, and she had no prior experience. The knowledge was always there, but unusable until now.
“And what marvelous ways that wisdom can be used,” Beast whispered, causing Alissa to smile in understanding. Even this short jaunt was absolutely splendid, and she had to fight the urge to dive screaming down into Ese’ Nawoer. Instead, she sedately followed Useless as he circled in the warm, dry air above the city, trying to find Strell and Lodesh.
The city spread below them in an elegant pattern of well-ordered streets and buildings. Large swaths of weeds and trees dotted the cityscape, providing relief from the stone. It was obvious that its construction had been meticulously planned out, and it saddened her that such an effort lay forgotten in the mountains. The sense of an impending something was thick in the cooling air, and Alissa shivered, causing her altitude to slip. Slightly abashed, she looked to see if Useless noticed.
