by DJ Jamison
He’d felt betrayed when Xavier gave up their plans to go to school together because his family needed him. Now he saw that Xavier was grounded and connected to life in a way Trent never had been.
“You’ll tell me if you need something?” he asked Helen.
“I will. Just talking to you, knowing you miss him too, helps so much.”
“He loved you,” Trent said. “I know he did.”
“It’s just hard. I go from sad to angry and back again. How could he just leave us like this, Trent? How could he do it to the kids?”
“I don’t know,” Trent said. “I wish I’d seen the clues.”
She gave a harsh laugh. “I’m his wife, and I didn’t see it. Don’t beat yourself up. He obviously hid a lot of his feelings.”
This was a conversation they’d had many times over as they tried to understand how Byron got to such a low place and how they had missed it.
“I’ll try not to blame myself if you do the same,” he said.
“Deal.”
Long after they’d hung up, Trent stared unseeing at the muted television screen.
In many ways, his situation and Byron’s were nothing alike. Yet, his friend’s death had terrified Trent to his core. He’d apparently developed a sense of invincibility to go alongside the god complex he’d cultivated. Which is why he decided not to continue as a surgeon in Ashe, but as a physician in the hospital’s new clinic venture.
Surgery was too addictive for him. He felt like a god when he saved someone’s life. He felt like a rock star when his patients’ loved ones lavished him with praise. But it also ate up his life and consumed all his energy.
Even though Byron had taken his own life, rather than being a victim of an accident, Trent was suddenly convinced his time was running out. He wanted more than a successful career and the praise of strangers.
He wanted someone who loved him as much as Helen loved Byron.
Chapter Four
December
Xavier was on his third cigarette outside the clinic entrance when Trent stopped on his way inside and did a double-take.
It was 7:30 in the morning— the entire staff had been called in early to attend a meeting before the clinic opened — and luckily Xavier wasn’t needed at his landscaping job. The work slowed down a lot in winter, but the crew provided snow removal and storm clean-up in the off season.
“What the fuck, Xavier? Your father died from cancer.”
It pissed off Xavier that Trent knew so much about his past. He lifted the cigarette, calmly inhaled and blew smoke out the side of his mouth.
“You know he didn’t get it from smoking.”
“Okay, you’re a health care professional standing outside a health clinic, how about that? You’re like a walking advertisement to smoke.”
Xavier didn’t smoke all the time, and chain smoking like he had been was rare. He’d needed something to settle his nerves before seeing his ex-boyfriend yet again at the clinic. Trent had mostly kept his distance since Xavier made his empty threat about filing a complaint the day Trent hit on him in the bathroom. When they did interact, the air seemed to cool a few degrees.
Didn’t make it any easier to see him. If anything, the tension between them only added to his stress. He felt bad about threatening Trent’s career. He knew his roommate’s boyfriend, Dr. Paul Johnston, went through hell when he was put on paid leave pending a complaint. That’s the only reason the idea had even popped into his head. But it was a shitty thing to say, especially when the memory of Trent’s kiss still caused a pleasant buzz to ripple through him in unexpected moments.
Like now.
He stared at Trent a beat too long as his mind drifted. Maybe you should have just fucked him and been done with it.
“Xav?”
Only Trent used the shortened version of his name. Most people called him Xavier, and a few close friends called him X. But Xav had only ever come from Trent, and hearing him say it made Xavier warm and fluttery inside, which in turn made him panic.
He couldn’t let Trent work his magic on him.
He dropped the cigarette butt, crushed out the embers with his shoe, then picked it up and walked it to the nearby trash receptacle.
Trent watched his every move.
“Happy now, Doctor?” He asked, speaking more sarcastically than he ever would to any other physician. Xavier was still a student, and his future employment was in the hands of the people who could recommend him for jobs. He usually remembered that and acted accordingly.
“Thank you,” Trent said. “When did you pick up that godawful habit? I know you didn’t smoke in high school.”
“Must have been around the time you told me I’d never amount to anything,” Xavier said.
Trent winced. “Guess I deserve that.”
“I better get inside.”
“Xavier, please. Can’t we be on speaking terms, at least? We work together.”
Ouch. Trent pulled the professionalism card. That was one Xavier couldn’t ignore. He had been treating Trent disrespectfully, and he knew it.
He paused. “I’m sorry. I’ve been rude. I won’t smoke out here again.”
“I appreciate that. Think we could maybe say hi in the hallway? Make small talk if we bump into each other outside? I can talk about the weather, golf and bad reality TV. That’s about all I’ve got right now.”
Xavier grinned in spite of alarm bells going off in his head. Warning, warning, objects may be closer than they appear …
“Weather’s a classic. For instance, I can tell you it’s freezing out here, so I’m headed inside.”
Trent reached past him to grab the door. “Let me get that for you.”
Xavier looked sideways at him. “And they say chivalry is dead.”
Trent smiled, but he looked a bit embarrassed. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”
That damn complaint threat obviously made him nervous.
They walked through the clinic lobby and into a long hallway that led to the conference room. Xavier put a hand on Trent’s arm to stop him a moment while they had some privacy.
“Hold up.”
“What is it?” Trent slipped his phone from his pocket to check the clock. “It’s nearly time for the meeting. We’ve planned an outreach trip through western Kansas. I think you’ll like what you hear.”
Trent was talking too much, clearly uncomfortable. Xavier had wanted his ex to keep his distance, but he didn’t want him to needlessly worry about an idle threat made in a moment of hostility. Xavier needed to find the inner strength to resist temptation— without resorting to dickhead moves.
“Listen, about what I said about filing a complaint …”
Trent lifted both hands, one still clutching his phone, and took a step back. “I respect your boundaries, Xavier.”
“I’m sorry.”
Trent blinked. “You’re sorry?”
Xavier pushed a few loose dreadlocks back from his face, feeling nervous himself. His hair was pulled into a ponytail and wrapped into a bun— all held precariously in place with a single hair tie. He pulled it loose, letting the dreads cascade down around his shoulders, before gathering them up again and smoothing everything back into place.
While he worked, he talked. The motions of his hands helped him get through the awkward apology, but he noticed that Trent’s eyes had widened when he first took down his hair. He realized his ex hadn’t actually seen him with his hair down since it’d gotten longer. He wore it completely different in high school — a more conservative flat-top — and he’d yet to start his dreads that night they saw each other last summer.
“I shouldn’t have made that threat,” Xavier said. “I would never do that. I know how important your career is to you.”
Trent’s eyes followed the motions of Xavier’s hands as he tugged his hair into place.
“There are things more important than my career,” Trent said.
Xavier dropped his hands and stared, surprised by that res
ponse. Trent had always been a driven, ambitious guy. Partly he’d wanted to impress his parents, Xavier knew, because Trent was bothered by their frequent absences and lack of interest. He’d probably sought out a certain amount of praise from teachers to fill that void. That was understandable. But he’d also been furious with Xavier for having other priorities. He’d criticized him, called him a loser, and that was less forgivable.
Had the man actually changed?
Xavier wondered again why Trent was working in the clinic and not on the surgical team. He wanted to ask, and yet, he didn’t want to show interest. If he asked and Trent answered, he’d be letting him in, at least a little.
“Good to know you’ve figured that out,” he said, instead of giving in to his curiosity. “But that doesn’t mean I should threaten you. I’m sorry. I just …”
“Had your claws out,” Trent supplied with a small smile.
“Motherfucker, I am not some kitty cat. I got more than claws for the people who mess with me.”
He sucked in a breath, realizing how unprofessional he sounded. He tried to keep his more colorful language to himself in the work setting. But Trent just laughed.
“I bet you do,” he said, before pressing a hand to Xavier’s back. “Come on. We need to get to that meeting.”
Xavier walked with him, speeding up slightly so Trent would drop his hand. He may have made peace with Trent, but there couldn’t be touching. Touching led to kissing, and kissing led to sex.
And man, it had been way too long since he’d had sex. With the semester in full swing, he barely had time to sleep much less fuck around. But shit — as convenient as Trent would be, that would be a disaster.
So, he stepped away, ensuring there was a good foot of space between them, and when they entered the conference room, he turned the opposite direction from Trent and chose a spot on the other side of the table.
***
Trent stepped into a conference room filled with hospital administrators and volunteers, and scanned for a space at the table. He headed for two vacant chairs near the far end of the table, turning to say something to Xavier.
But he was gone. A quick glance around told him Xavier had circled to the other side of the room. Away from him.
So much for the hope that Xavier might be ready to be friends again. He’d apologized for his threat because he believed Trent cared about his career at the expense of everything else. But he had apologized. It was a step in the right direction. Now, Trent just needed to wedge open that door and convince Xavier he cared about repairing the damage between them.
He’d kept his distance after Xavier’s threat to file a complaint, but he couldn’t help watching him whenever they were in the same room. He’d just about swooned when Xavier took down his hair in the hallway. Fuck, but his ex-boyfriend was gorgeous in so many unexpected ways. He had strong, masculine features, but when that hair came down everything softened a fraction.
Xavier settled at the opposite side of the table, positioned at a diagonal from Trent. It put plenty of space between them, but Trent at least had a great view. Now that they’d made peace—sort of— he didn’t try to avoid looking.
His ex-boyfriend glanced over, saw Trent staring, and dropped his gaze as if embarrassed. Trent didn’t miss the slight curl of his lips, though. He liked the attention.
“Dr. Cavendish, are you ready to travel hundreds of miles with an old gal on her last legs?” a hoarse voice said next to him, followed by a laugh that sounded full of metal shards.
He turned to nurse Marge Blevins with a polite smile. “Can’t wait.”
She swatted his arm. “I just bet.”
Trent and Marge were both signed up to provide a series of free health screenings across western Kansas as part of a rural outreach program. As a result, they’d already sat through several meetings about the program. But other staff members would have responsibilities related to organizing supplies and covering the Ashe clinic in their absence.
Marge settled her bulk into the seat next to him. She’d been working at the hospital since Trent had been in diapers, and she wasn’t kidding about being on her last legs. He’d heard through the rumor mill she’d be retiring soon for health reasons. She only worked part time, as it was.
Marge wasn’t the subtle type. She spoke her mind, and bluntly. She’d pissed off more than one patient by telling them they were going to kill themselves if they didn’t change their habits— eating, smoking, drinking, whatever the case was that day. But it was a tough love that some of these patients, who rarely attended to their health, needed to hear.
“This trip is a long time coming,” she said. “Of course, just getting a clinic here at the hospital is a long time coming.”
Marge spoke about the history of the hospital and health clinics in Ashe, and Trent half-listened while watching Xavier laugh with one of the aids next to him.
His ex-boyfriend looked good, if tired. Of course, he’d look even better in makeup and tight, skimpy clothes. Trent was still getting off to images of Xavier in that club. He had no idea he had such a fetish for seeing a man in feminine attire, but damn. Xav had been hot as hell.
He’s also smart, generous and loving, remember? Or was Xavier right to think that all you want is sex?
Xavier’s gaze slid to his, and Trent looked down at his notepad. He needed to stop staring at Xavier longingly and focus on showing Xavier why they’d fallen in love in the first place: the friendship, not the fucking. Sex would have to come later, which meant he needed to get his libido in check if he ever wanted to make any progress.
Marge nudged him and whispered loudly. “I didn’t figure you for a nurse chaser.”
He swallowed wrong and choked on his own saliva. When his eyes stopped watering, he answered. “I’m not.”
She nodded in Xavier’s direction. “You can’t take your eyes off him, though.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“Nope. I’ve seen that look before, and I know you’re gay. Everyone was talking about the handsome gay doctor your first week here. I reckon you want you a piece of that nursing student—”
“Jesus, lower your voice,” he hissed in a whisper. Desperate to shut her up and sensing she was too oblivious to consider how much she might embarrass him, he admitted the truth. “He’s my ex.”
She looked at him from eyes still sharp despite her age. “Oh. Sorry to hear that.”
Marge glanced back at Xavier for a long moment. “You still love this ex?”
Trent sighed. “Yeah, sure. Why don’t I just tell you my whole life story in the minute before the director makes a presentation?”
“Why don’t you?” she said with a grin. “Sounds like it’ll be good.”
“I messed up. I lost him. The End.”
“The end?” She pinched his thigh, and he yelped. Several heads turned toward him, and he cleared his throat and quickly started doodling some notes to avoid their curious looks. “If it’s the end, you wouldn’t look at him like that.”
“Okay, hopefully it’s not the end. I need to earn back his trust, though, and he’s not making it easy. Have I satisfied your curiosity?”
Marge cackled. “You sure have, and I’m going to figure out a way to help you out.”
“Oh God, please don’t.”
She smiled. “No, no, no. This will be good. You’ll see.”
The director entered the room at that moment, and Trent breathed a relieved sigh. Eric Holtz looked every inch the administrator in a pressed suit and tie, and he was a no-nonsense guy who would get to the point. The sooner that happened, the sooner Trent could escape Marge’s good intentions.
“Good, it looks like everyone’s here. I’d like to talk about our Rural Access Outreach Program. You see, there are a lot of towns in rural Kansas that don’t have access to quality health care. We’ll be offering field health screenings ….”
Trent tried to pay attention, but he’d heard the spiel before. He hadn’t been asked, so much a
s told he should volunteer for the week of health screenings in rural areas with less access to health care. Apparently when you worked in the free clinic, people thought you were the do-gooder type. Trent had never been described that way before, but he was turning over a new leaf, so he agreed.
Halfway through the meeting, Trent’s attention snapped into place as Marge spoke up.
“Actually, Dr. Holtz, I’d like the nursing student to go along with me. There’s such a lot of work, and an old gal like me could use a motivated young man.”
“Oh.” The director faltered a moment. “It’s kind of last minute, but …” He smiled indulgently at Marge. “I’m sure we can make that work.”
He returned to his talking points, wrapping up the finer details, and Trent cast a quick glance at Xavier. Was he a shade paler than normal? His eyes were wide and he bit down on his bottom lip. Xavier had always done that when he was trying to push down his emotions. Now that he saw Xavier in person again, Trent remembered so many little details about his ex it was scary.
As a student nurse, Xavier couldn’t say no to the trip. Not if he wanted to impress the staff with his dedication. Marge would be on the trip to fulfill the official role of nurse, but Xavier could get a lot of hands-on experience, and he would be a great help with the many administrative and organizational tasks the trip required. They’d always intended to take an assistant— that Marge had asked for Xavier was unexpected.
Now, he’d probably have to deal with her trying to play matchmaker. He hoped it wouldn’t be a disaster that ended in Xavier being more pissed at him.
Trent’s heart leapt at the idea of spending a week in close proximity with Xavier, though. They worked together now, but they barely saw each other in the hallways. This would involve travel in close quarters, as well as working in a smaller setting. He’d no doubt get more opportunities to interact with Xavier.
This could be his opportunity to show Xavier he wasn’t the same guy who broke his heart.
***
Xavier filed out of the conference room in a daze. He was apparently scheduled to travel across rural Kansas and with Trent. How had he let that happen? Thank God, he wasn’t a nurse yet and they’d have a chaperone of sorts. He couldn’t imagine getting up to anything with 70-year-old Marge along for the ride.
