by DJ Jamison
“Seems like it.”
“You don’t like that?”
Xavier shrugged. “It’s fine. I appreciate your help today.”
He was trying to keep up his guard, but it had been tough with Trent looking so adorable as he hammered and caulked and looked like some kind of fantasy handyman while doing it. Xavier had gotten a number of looks at Trent’s ass as his jeans pulled tight while he squatted and bent. Watching him stretch and flex had tested his own focus, and he’d nearly hammered his thumb into the porch railing at one point.
Damn, but Trent was hotter than ever.
Even worse, he kept up a steady stream of conversation, cracking open the small openings Xavier gave him and operating on full charm mode. He’d been sweet and funny, making self-deprecating jokes. He didn’t seem nearly as high-strung and hyper-focused as he’d been in high school.
He asked Xavier about the kids and seemed interested in the answers. He talked about what a natural Xavier seemed to be as a nurse without seeming condescending about it or implying that Xavier couldn’t have been a good doctor.
Thinking over their afternoon now, Xavier felt a little bad for not showing more interest in Trent’s life. He hadn’t once asked him about his life after he left Ashe. He’d answered his questions and retracted his claws, as Trent had put it the other day. But he hadn’t exactly been friendly.
“I meant what I said about us being friends again,” Trent said, pulling him back to the present. “You’ve got a lot on your plate. It’s okay to let someone help you once in a while.”
Xavier scoffed. “It’s the story of my life, and you never wanted to help before.”
“I was a selfish kid before. I’ve grown up.”
Xavier eyed him speculatively. Maybe Trent had matured. It was possible Xavier wasn’t giving him a fair chance to at least give a proper apology and move on. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be friends, though. His ex-boyfriend was far too sexy for that, and he’d rather not live with temptation day in and day out.
Gran returned with cups and saucers, and set about handing out their drinks. She joined them at the table, keeping up a stream of chatter about her plans for Sunday dinner— was that a hint to invite Trent? Not happening— and how nice it was of Trent to take the time to lend a hand.
Eventually, she got around to talking about the holidays.
“I remember you spent one Christmas with us,” she said. “Your parents were on a cruise?”
“Trip to Europe, actually,” Trent said. “That was a great Christmas.”
“Didn’t you miss your parents?” Xavier said. “I thought you were mad at them for leaving you alone.”
“Yeah, I was. But then I ended up having Christmas here, and your gran is a great cook. Best meal I’ve had in a decade.”
Gran tittered, totally charmed, and Xavier was a little put out she’d been so easy to win over. So much for running Trent through the ringer by inviting him over. He was getting tea and Gran’s well wishes instead. And where was Twyla when he needed her sass? She’d taken the opportunity to go shopping while her kids were hanging out with friends.
“What are your Christmas plans this year?” Gran asked.
“Oh, I think I’m working at the clinic. I haven’t actually looked at the schedule.”
“You’re not going to see your family?” Xavier asked. “I didn’t realize the clinic would be open.”
Xavier would be finished with his hours at the clinic by then, so he hadn’t given it much thought. He had a winter break, then moved straight into another rotation— this time in the obstetrics department. He’d wrap up the year in the ER. He was nervous and excited about that one. He didn’t particularly want to get into emergency medicine; too much pressure. But at least his roommate’s boyfriend and one of their friends would be there, so he’d have some support.
“People get sick every day,” Trent said with a small shrug. “It’ll save people having to go to the ER.”
Good point. It was a bit depressing to work on Christmas, though.
“Your parents flying in?” Xavier asked, but he knew even as the words came out that it was a dumb question.
“No, they don’t even know I’ve returned to Ashe,” he said. “We don’t talk that often.”
How sad. He knew Trent wasn’t as close to his family as Xavier was to his, but Trent talked as if they were strangers. His parents had spent a lot of time away when Trent was a teenager, but Xavier had been so happy to have private, alone time with Trent that he hadn’t considered the significance of that. Trent had complained from time to time, and Xav had listened, but he hadn’t really understood.
“That’s a shame,” Gran said. “No one should be alone on Christmas.”
“It’ll be fine,” Trent said. “I’ve got no other plans.”
She gave Xavier an intense look. He could tell she wanted him to invite Trent over after his shift or something along those lines. Xavier felt sorry for Trent, in a way. He was probably lonely. But he wasn’t ready to invite him into his life like that. He had to decide what kind of relationship he even wanted with Trent. Once the rural health screening program was behind him, he could potentially never see his ex-boyfriend again. If that’s what he wanted. Xavier wasn’t sure it was, but it might well be what was best for him. He’d never been a good judge of that.
He avoided Gran’s gaze, and she snorted in an unladylike fashion.
“Well, Xavier will just have to bring you a plate,” she said, effectively taking the decision out of his hands.
“Wow, that’s such a nice offer,” Trent said with a grin in Xavier’s direction. “Thank you.”
It was clear that Trent was well aware Xavier didn’t want to do as his grandmother suggested. He seemed to be enjoying Xavier’s discomfort. That wasn’t how today was supposed to go. He was supposed to be watching Trent squirm, not the other way around.
Fuck it. He was a nice person. He’d take Trent food, end of story.
“No problem,” he said sweetly, causing Trent’s eyes to widen slightly. “I’d be happy to stop by with a plate.”
Chapter Six
Trent anticipated Xavier’s visit to the clinic on Christmas Day with excited trepidation. He’d imagined all sorts of intimate conversations over a plate of delicious ham and stuffing and other tasty side items with so many carbs he’d have to hit the gym twice as hard that week.
He’d gotten all the calorie intake he could want, but the intimacy was another matter. After half a shift of waiting — and the time dragged by because it was incredibly slow; all the truly exciting holiday emergencies went to the ER, while he got the occasional baby fever or flu victim — Xavier finally strolled in looking happy and relaxed.
He carried a plate covered in tinfoil and a large tin of peanut brittle. Trent’s mouth watered to see it in his hand. He remembered Gran’s peanut brittle, and it was fantastic. Thin and crunchy and so much better than the store-bought stuff. He was also touched Xavier had brought him a gift, even if it was from Gran.
Until Xavier gave it to the rest of the clinic’s skeleton crew, that is.
Trent watched with a frown as Xav stopped at the front desk, chatting with the receptionist, and then handed her the tin. Rachel opened it with a grin of delight, and then called out to the nurse on duty.
Trent drifted over, hoping to pull Xavier aside. His ex-boyfriend held out the plate. “One Christmas dinner as promised.”
“Isn’t that sweet?” Rachel cooed around a bite of peanut brittle.
“Thanks,” Trent said, then pointed at Rachel. “You better save me some of that brittle. I know it’s excellent. Don’t go overboard on it.”
She blushed. “Of course, Doctor.”
Xavier gave him a dirty look. “Eat as much as you like, Rachel. Don’t let Dr. Cavendish bully you. He just wants it all for himself.”
She giggled and grabbed another bite, before returning the lid with a guilty look in Trent’s direction. He relented and smiled, nodding.
>
“He’s got me there.”
He turned his attention fully to Xavier. “Want to come back to my office?”
Xavier shook his head. “I should get back to the family. The kids are over-eager and we torture them by making them wait until after we eat. No presents for them until I return.”
“Ah, well, don’t keep them waiting then,” Trent said, feeling disappointed. He couldn’t help the pang of loneliness inside.
Xavier must have seen something in his expression because his eyes softened. He leaned in and brushed a kiss to Trent’s cheek.
“Have a good holiday,” he said. “Enjoy Gran’s food. She outdid herself this year.”
Trent nodded, his throat growing tight. Xavier seemed to hesitate before him.
“The kids really are waiting,” he said.
“You should go,” Trent managed to say. He kept his emotions in check, he thought, but the look of pity in Xavier’s eyes said he wasn’t fooled.
“Call your parents,” Xavier said. “Maybe it’s time you guys talked, huh? Family’s important.”
Trent forced a smile. Xavier was right. He’d come back to Ashe to change his life, fill it with more than a profession. Xavier was one part of that, but he couldn’t completely fulfill Trent’s life, even if he did eventually forgive Trent. He had to find other things, family or friends, to anchor him to a life outside the hospital.
He wasn’t sure he could truly ever be close with his parents. But he could call and say Merry Christmas, at least. And Helen and the kids would be happy to hear from him.
He smiled more genuinely. “Thanks, Xavier. You always were the wise one between the two of us.”
Xavier scoffed, but he looked please as he said goodbye and headed out the door. Trent had hoped more would come of the visit, but Xav had given him good advice, and he decided to take it.
He retreated to his office with a plate of home-cooked food and picked up the phone to reach out to his family, both the biological one and the one forged by friendship and tragedy.
***
Xavier spent all of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at Gran’s house, crashing on the couch so he didn’t have to get up early or miss a minute of the kids’ joy. He’d been helping take care of Beau and Maggie since they were itty-bitty, and at times he felt like they were his children as much as Twyla’s. He’d spent a year coaching Little League when Beau was 7; and he’d driven Maggie to school almost her entire kindergarten year when it conflicted with Twyla’s job.
The kids had fallen on their presents like starving men on food when Xavier got back from the clinic with a heavy heart and no small amount of guilt for withholding the friendship Trent wanted. He’d looked so crestfallen when Xavier said he couldn’t stay. He’d imagined a feeling of triumph at out-maneuvering Gran’s attempt to push him at Trent, but he’d felt like a jerk instead.
Gran had been surprisingly easy on Trent, considering her stern words of warning when she learned his ex was back in town. Xavier had pressed her on that after Trent left the day he’d helped out at Gran’s house.
“Why are you being so nice to Trent?”
She’d looked at him with innocent eyes. “He came over on his day off and helped out around my house. I owed the man kindness, don’t you think?”
“Okay, but you didn’t owe him Christmas dinner.”
She smiled. “Maybe not, but no one deserves to be alone on Christmas. Will it really hurt you to take him a plate?”
Xavier had sighed, feeling like a bad person and unable to argue her logic. “I guess not.”
He was suspicious her motives ran deeper, but he didn’t want to talk about his complicated feelings about Trent, so he let it be and focused on helping the kids have a great holiday.
When he finally returned to his apartment the day after Christmas, he was tired but less stressed now that he had fewer projects hanging over his head. Xavier actually felt like he could enjoy a short vacation. With no snow on the ground and no wind storms to knock down limbs, he was even free of the landscaping crew for a few days. Until Jan. 2— when he left for the rural outreach screenings — he could binge watch television and catch up on sleep.
He opened the door and walked in on a scene that set off a sense of déjà vu.
Zane, sprawled on the couch with Paul kneeling between his legs, hurried to fasten his pants. Paul scrambled to his feet and wiped at his mouth.
“What the fuck?” Xavier said. “Can’t you ever use the bedroom?”
Last summer, he’d walked in to find Zane on his knees before Paul. Today, their positions were reversed, but the scene was otherwise the same.
He pointed to Paul. “You owe me a new couch. I’ve got a serious phobia about sitting there.”
He crossed to the glider in the corner and collapsed with a sigh.
“It’s my couch,” Zane pointed out, “and you’re gone so much I forgot I had a roommate.”
“Truth,” Xavier said, letting his eyes slip closed while he used a foot to gently glide forward and back. “You stay at your doctor’s place enough I could say the same about you.”
“Can we not call me Zane’s doctor?” Paul grumbled, and Xavier smiled. It never failed to bug Paul because he had once been Zane’s doctor and it nearly kept them apart.
Xavier had tried to warn Zane away from Paul, too, to save him the heartache he’d felt when Trent left him with stinging insults. Trent hadn’t even been a doctor yet, and he’d made it clear that his career was more important than anything else. That probably hadn’t changed despite Trent’s words to the contrary. He was a doctor, and Xavier had seen him staying late on more than one occasion— not to mention working Christmas Day. He was still married to his job.
Trent might want to get together again, but would he really treat Xavier any better than he had the first time around? Better than all those other ex-boyfriends?
His heart said yes. His brain said, Maybe not.
None of that was Paul’s responsibility, and he’d been unfair to paint him with the same brush of resentment as Trent.
“Sorry I’ve been a dick to you, Paul,” he said. “You didn’t deserve it. I was just a fuckhead because of some shit in my personal life. Zane probably told you about that after the night I hit on him, right?”
Zane groaned, and Paul whipped his head toward Zane. “He hit on you? When?”
“It’s ancient history,” Zane mumbled.
Paul looked disturbed, and Xavier realized he’d stepped in it. “Fuck, I can’t even apologize right.”
“Should I be worried?” Paul asked.
“No!” Zane and Xavier exclaimed together.
Zane hurried out a rushed explanation of why he’d never told Paul, which mostly made Xavier feel like crap. He’d put Zane in a difficult position between his boyfriend and his roommate. Zane and Paul hadn’t been officially dating at the time, but Zane had been crazy about the man and Xavier knew it.
It made him crazy at the time because he was sure Paul was going to hurt Zane the way Trent hurt him. Stupid. Every person was different, regardless of their profession. He knew that.
Xavier scrubbed his hands over his face, wishing he could wipe away his idiocy.
“It was just my ex fucking with my head. Last summer, I ran into him at a club and I freaked out. When I went out the next weekend, I was in a weird place. Zane and I have been friends a while, and uh ... I was seriously drunk, okay? I wouldn’t ever do that again.”
“Okay,” Paul said.
“Even if Trent is still fucking my head up.”
“What happened?” Zane asked.
Xavier shrugged. “We’re working together at the clinic. He’s a doctor too, remember?”
“So, how’s he fucking with you?” Zane asked, worried. “Is he harassing you at work? Because Paul can tell you all about their sexual harassment policies.”
Paul grimaced. “More than I want to know.”
“No! Fuck, no,” Xavier said. “He’s being friendly, l
ike ... he helped me work on some home maintenance at Gran’s and reviewed test questions with me. He keeps being nice.”
Zane gasped dramatically. “That prick!”
Xavier laughed weakly. “I know. I’m confused. I don’t know how to feel. It’s hard to stay mad at someone who keeps acting like a decent guy.”
“I get it.”
Xavier nodded, thinking about Trent’s obvious come-ons and his genuine desire to ease Xavier’s stress. His constant refrain he wanted to make amends. Was that a sincere sentiment? It wasn’t all he wanted. Xavier saw the way his ex looked at him. But maybe it was about more than sex.
Thinking of sex, he realized he’d interrupted Zane and Paul while they were hot and heavy.
He stood up and shouldered his bag. “I’m going to turn in. I’ll wear my headphones.”
Paul blushed, and Zane grinned. “Thanks. Sorry you had to see that. Again.”
Xavier rolled his eyes. “Why aren’t you at Paul’s place anyway?”
“I’m selling it,” Paul said. “There were showings scheduled tonight, so ...”
“Ah, cool. Well, later.”
“Goodnight,” Zane said as Xavier trekked to his room,
He undressed and grabbed his headphones before collapsing into bed.
As he lay in the dark, trying to wind down enough for sleep, he kept seeing Trent in his mind’s eye. Not anything sexual. Just his face, smiling, and his eyes begging Xavier to forgive.
Could he do that? Xavier thought he could, and that’s what scared him.
Chapter Seven
January
The morning they were scheduled to head out to western Kansas was a crisp and clear January day. In other words, cold as fuck.
Xavier hustled from his apartment building to the panel van with the hospital logo on the side: a heart with an EKG rhythm strip through it.
Trent met him outside the van and took his duffel. “Take the front. Marge is a bit under the weather, so she’s laying down in the back.”
Xavier didn’t argue; it was too damn cold to debate the issue outside, even if he’d rather have more space from Trent. He got in and peeked over the seat to see Marge sprawled along the third-row bench. She looked to be asleep, and there was a high flush in her cheeks.
