by DJ Jamison
“Relax,” Xavier said, putting a hand on Trent’s fidgeting knee on the drive to the restaurant. They were meeting at a cozy little Italian bistro, then going for drinks. “I’m the one who will be in the hot seat. I cringe to think what Zane might say.”
True enough. When they were all seated, with wine (for Paul) and beer (for the rest of them) delivered and menus set aside, Zane leaned in.
“So, you guys are together,” he said, with the air of a proper announcement.
“Yep,” Xavier said.
“So, why did you split up? All I remember is that Xavier said you broke his heart.”
Xavier nearly choked on his sip of his porter. “Fuck, Z. Let us eat first, huh?”
Trent felt Xavier rub his thigh, and the touch reassured him they were good despite their past. He drew in a bracing breath, preparing himself for the grilling. Whatever Zane dished out, Xavier’s family was sure to double, so it was good practice.
“It’s okay,” Trent said. “Truth is, I broke my own heart too.”
“Aw, you’re such a corny motherfucker,” Xavier teased. “Don’t stop.”
“Good answer,” Zane said. “Want to explain?”
Paul intervened. “Zane, maybe we should just get to know Trent and enjoy the food. You can grill him at the bar later.”
Zane laughed and agreed easily enough. They each ordered variations of pasta, from eggplant parmigiana for Trent to basic spaghetti and meatballs for Zane. Paul and Xavier both ordered a similar creamy pasta with mushrooms and other tasty tidbits.
They made casual conversation while eating. Zane kept his word about waiting on the grilling, but as soon as they arrived at O’Kelly’s Pub down the block for after-dinner drinks, Zane let fly.
“So, how did this heartbreaking happen? I want to make sure my man, X, doesn’t get hurt again.”
“Fuck, man. I can take care of myself,” Xavier protested.
Zane made an obnoxious sound with his lips. “Yeah, right.” Then he leaned in and told Trent: “He always dates assholes and lets them walk all over him. He’s forgiving to a fault. I bet he went too easy on you, huh?”
“Fuck you,” Xavier said, flipping Zane the bird. “I made him work for it.”
Zane raised an eyebrow, and Trent chuckled. “He really did. He gave me the cold shoulder at work for weeks. Wouldn’t even sleep with me while we were sharing the same motel room on the road.”
He decided not to mention the blow job and mutual jerking off session.
“That’s some good willpower,” Zane said, sounding impressed. He lifted his hand for a high five, and Xavier slapped his palm. “Good job, X. I’m proud of you.”
“Okay, asshole.”
“So, come on. Give me the whole story.”
Trent sighed, and decided he might as well get on with it. Zane was like a dog with a bone.
“When we were in high school, Xavier and I dated for two years. We were serious, and we both wanted to go to medical school. We made plans to go to college together, live together, the whole works.”
Zane nodded.
“Then, I decided I shouldn’t go because Twyla’s jerk of a husband took off and left her with two toddlers and Gran had a health scare at the time,” Xavier added. “It ended up being manageable by altering her diet, but things felt shaky.”
“So, you stayed behind to help your family. That’s commendable.”
Xavier nodded, but to Trent’s surprise he looked a little guilty. “Yeah, but it’s not like I would have had an easy time going to school. Maybe it made a convenient excuse so I didn’t have to say I couldn’t go.”
“What do you mean?” Trent asked. “You stayed behind for your family. That’s what you’ve always said.”
Xavier nibbled on his full bottom lip, but Trent was only slightly distracted. His heart beat a little faster in his chest.
“I couldn’t really afford it,” Xavier said quietly. “Not any of the schools you wanted. I worked on scholarships, but it wouldn’t have been enough. It would have taken heaps of loans, and I wasn’t even sure it was possible to get enough of those.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I don’t know. You were so excited about college, and I didn’t want you to go to some crappy school because that’s all I could afford. When the crap with Twyla came up, I knew she could use some help, and it made the decision easier.”
“That’s rough,” Zane said.
Trent’s beer was starting to sour in his stomach. If Xavier had given him this reason for not going to college with him, he might have accepted it. He might never have broken it off. They would have done long-distance, but Trent could have come home on school breaks.
Another thought occurred to him. “How long did you know before graduation day that you wouldn’t go? Why didn’t you give me some warning?”
He noticed Zane and Paul holding a murmured conversation among themselves. Xavier crossed his arms defensively over his chest, but the look on the face betrayed that he felt more guilt than anger.
Trent slipped a hand to the back of his neck and held it, offering Xavier the same assurance his boyfriend’s touch had given him at dinner. He was with him, not against him. Even if he did feel a bit betrayed by this piece of news, mostly he mourned for what might have been.
“You were so excited. I kept trying to tell you, but I just couldn’t. And talking about the money made me feel like such a loser. You had such a big house and nice car. Your parents were paying for school, and I didn’t want you to criticize Gran because she couldn’t do the same for me.”
“Xav, come on. I wouldn’t have done that,” Trent said. He squeezed Xavier’s neck, and his boyfriend finally met his eyes. “I’m just sad because I might not have hurt you like I did if I’d known the whole truth.”
“I might have chosen my family anyway,” Xavier pointed out. “It was a rocky time, and they needed me. I don’t regret my choices. You shouldn’t either.”
“How can you say that? We spent 12 years apart. Of course I regret breaking up. We could have done long-distance.”
“Everyone knows long-distance never works,” Zane said, finally breaking their moment.
Trent shot him a look. “Never say never.”
“He has a point,” Paul said. “Medical school is grueling. Even if you’d gone together, you might have broken up. You were both young.”
“I’m young,” Zane said with a pout. “You think that about me?”
“No, love,” Paul said, pecking a kiss to his cheek. “But you’re not in medical school. We have time and space for each other in our lives.”
“That’s true,” Trent said. “It was hell. I’d never want to relive those years. It helped that I had absolutely no desire for a social life. I lived and breathed for school.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the whole truth,” Xav said. “Sorry I gave you such a hard time when you came back here. I remembered the words you said to me, the way it hurt. I didn’t spend much time thinking about my role in all of it. I could have made it far less shocking to you with a little more warning.”
Trent let his hand drift up into Xavier’s hair and scratched at his head. Xav tilted his head back, eyes drooping, and hummed a sound of pleasure.
“Maybe they’re right,” Trent said. “Maybe we would have broken up. This way, I get to have you for good.”
Xavier opened his eyes and looked sideways at Trent. “Yeah?”
He leaned in and whispered in his ear: “The next 12 years at least.”
Soon after, they made their excuses and returned to Trent’s apartment, where they made love in a way that had yet to happen. Slow and tender. Trent wasn’t sure he’d ever experienced the raw emotions he felt with Xavier under him. He sank into Xavier again and again, whispering words of love. Xavier’s hands on him felt like a promise, and his eyes reflected all of Trent’s feelings back at him.
They fell asleep curled together, and despite Xavier’s admission, he felt to
o content to be unhappy.
Maybe things would have turned out differently, if Xavier had admitted to money problems. They could have chosen another school and gone together. Or Trent could have gone alone, but without a huge chip on his shoulder and the feeling that Xavier didn’t love him enough. Or they might have broken up months or years later.
They were together now. That’s what mattered. His life was more than a stressful job and an empty home. As long as he had Xavier in his bed, he would be a happy man.
Chapter Eighteen
April
The call came in the middle of the night a few days later.
Trent had spent enough years on call with his hospital that he woke easily, snagging the phone on autopilot.
“ ‘ello?” he said, his voice still slurred with sleep.
“Trent? Oh God, I’m sorry to call so late!”
Helen sounded frantic. He sat up, and Xavier stirred beside him. He dropped a hand to Xavier’s hair, petting him gently even as his heart pounded with fear at Helen’s distraught tone.
“What’s wrong?”
She started to sob. Terrible heart-wrenching sounds that came from deep in her chest. “It’s Wade. He got in terrible trouble at school, and then we had this huge fight and he hit me, Trent! He punched me in the face.”
“Jesus!”
That didn’t sound like Wade at all. He’d been a sweet kid, a straight-A student whose idea of a wild time was performing with the drum line.
“Now, he’s gone,” she choked out. “He’s been gone since before dinner, and it’s 3 a.m. I don’t know what to do! I’ve called everywhere. All his friends. The cops say they can’t really do much until he’s been missing over 24 hours, and it’s pretty apparent he ran away, so ... what do I do, Trent? What can I do?”
Xavier scooted up beside him. “What’s wrong? Who's on the phone?”
“It’s Helen,” Trent murmured.
“Oh no, you have someone with you? I’m so sorry—”
“Helen, don’t apologize,” Trent said. “I’d be worried as hell, too. Have you tried posting on social media? If you have the numbers of any of his friends, ask them to share the news that he’s missing. He’s probably laying low with someone and they don’t want to bust him with his mom, but just in case, I’m getting up right now. I’ll be there by morning.”
“Are you sure?” Helen said. “What about your job, and um ... friend?”
“Everything else can wait.” He glanced at Xavier, who was watching with a concerned expression. “My boyfriend will be here when I get back.”
He raised an eyebrow in silent question, and Xavier nodded. Thank God. He was a bit terrified Xavier might flip his shit. He’d only recently gotten Xav to believe he wasn’t going anywhere, and now he was rushing off in the middle of the night.
“You worked things out with Xavier?” she asked softly, taking a moment from her own concerns to think of him. “That’s great, Trent. I know how much you wanted to reconnect with him. Byron and I always did worry you were lonely.”
Her voice was wistful. She was the one who was alone now, and it was all kinds of unfair. Trent had grieved for Byron when he died. He’d questioned why his friend felt the need to take his life. He’d missed him. But now, in this moment, he was mad. That asshole had abandoned his wife and kids, and they were falling apart.
They’d been Trent’s surrogate family for years, and he never should have run off and left them — even if it did bring him back to Xavier. He needed to take a page out of his boyfriend’s book and put his family first. Because that’s what they were now: his family.
“Yeah, long story,” Trent said. “I’ll tell you all about it after Wade is home safe and sound.”
***
Xavier made coffee while Trent packed a quick bag. His boyfriend moved with the frenetic energy of someone not well rested but wired by adrenaline. He threw clothes into a suitcase and returned to the bathroom no less than three times before he remembered all his toiletries.
All the while he babbled.
“I should have never left,” Trent said, which hurt Xavier’s heart a bit. “Helen doesn’t really have other family close by. Her mom flew in from Washington for the funeral, but they’ve never been that close and she went home a few days later after an ugly argument. Her dad’s out of the picture, I guess. Byron’s mom died a few years ago, and his father isn’t well. Dementia, I think? He lives with Byron’s older sister, so she’s got her hands full already.”
“That’s tough,” Xavier said. He couldn’t imagine being without the support of family in such a difficult time.
“She has a few friends, but they all have their own kids, you know? The Ritters were like family to me, and I abandoned them in a time of crisis.” Trent sighed. “Kind of like I abandoned you. God, I’m such a selfish jerk.”
“Don’t talk like that,” Xavier said.
The time for beating up Trent for their choices twelve years ago was long gone. Xavier wanted to move forward, not look backward.
He pushed Trent into a chair and set a steaming mug in front of him.
Trent bounced up. “I have to get on the road.”
Xavier pushed him back down. “Drink this coffee. You’re wired now, but it’ll be a long, dark drive. I’ll make you another to take with you, okay?”
Trent sighed. “I’m sorry.”
Xavier sat down across from him. “I know I freaked when I heard the clinic was closing because I thought you might leave for another job. But I never thought you abandoned me back when we broke up after high school. You were going to college. I never wanted you to stay here for me. I just wanted you to wait for me.”
Trent’s eyes gleamed with moisture. “And now I’m asking you to wait for me. I don’t know how long I’ll need to be gone. If something serious has happened to Wade ...”
“It’s okay,” Xavier said, as calmly as he could.
In truth, he was terrified. If Trent went back to his former home, there was a chance he’d stay there. He’d feel obligated to help this family, and they were obviously falling apart. But they needed him, and Xavier wasn’t selfish enough to ask him to stay, not like this.
“I’ll be back,” Trent said, reading Xavier’s expression as he always seemed able to do.
Xavier forced a small smile. “Good.”
“I love you.”
The words soothed the frayed edges of his insecurities. “I know, Trent. Go take care of your family. I’ll be here when you get back. Just keep me updated, okay?”
Trent gulped his coffee and stood up. “I will, Xav. I’ll call you every day.”
Xavier trailed him to the bedroom, where he gathered his bags, then handed over a travel cup of coffee to tide Trent over on his trip. He walked with him to the door. It was then that he realized he was in Trent’s apartment and Trent was leaving.
“Should I go home now, or ...”
Trent shook his head and pressed cold metal into Xavier’s palm. “Be here as much as you want. It’ll make me feel better, knowing you’re here. Sleep in my bed every night,” he said with a teasing smile, “so I can picture you there.”
“Perv.”
“We’ll set up a video call and you can wear some sexy lingerie for me.”
Xavier laughed. “Okay, get on the road before I try to drag you back to bed, Dr. Cavendish.”
Trent dipped down to press a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. “Love you,” he said again before he walked out.
Xavier watched from the doorway until Trent disappeared into the stairwell. Then he closed the door gently, turned to face the living room and cursed out loud.
“Fuck you, universe! Just, fuck you! When is it my turn to be happy, huh? Haven’t I waited long enough?”
There were no answers forthcoming, so he went back to bed, where he tossed and turned the rest of the night. At 6:30 a.m., just as he’d finally given up and slipped from the covers, his phone buzzed with a text.
Trent: Just got here.
Will keep you updated.
He tapped out a quick thank-you, and went to make coffee yet again. It was going to be a long day.
Chapter Nineteen
Trent navigated the familiar freeway system, taking Interstate 35 into Johnson County, which contained the wealthy suburb in the KC metro area where the Ritter family lived.
He’d called the Ashe medical director, Eric Holtz, during his three-plus-hour drive. They’d agreed he should just give notice rather than requesting a temporary leave, given that the clinic wouldn’t last much longer. Before he hung up, he had Dr. Holtz’ word that he’d have until the summer to accept a position on the surgical team at the hospital.
When he pulled into Byron’s familiar driveway, he half-expected to see his old friend open the door and jog out to Trent’s car. He’d picked up Byron countless time for trips to the gym and rounds of racquetball.
The memories made the small corner of his heart where his grief lived pulse with pain. It must be so damned hard for Helen and the kids to live with those memories — not just in their minds, but in everything they saw day in and day out.
He got out of the car and grabbed his bags. Helen waited at the open door, and he could tell by her expression alone that Wade was still missing.
“Tell me everything you’ve done, and we’ll brainstorm some ideas,” he said.
Dropping his bags just inside the door, he pulled her in for a hug and she squeezed him so tight he had trouble breathing. The tears came for both of them.
“I’m sorry I left you with all this,” he mumbled into her hair.
She breathed hard against his chest, her hands twisting in the back of his shirt. “It’s not your job to take care of us.”
“Yes, it is. It is now.”
She shook in his arms, crying in earnest now. “Thank you,” she choked.
He patted her back and pulled away. “Okay, enough of that. We have a rebellious teen to find.”
