I shut it all out, tried hard not to think.
I needed her to know I knew I’d fucked up.
When she begged me I pushed inside her and instantly gasped as I felt my mistake reverberating back to me somehow.
So stupid.
Like it or not, with me, she was terribly ready.
I’d upset her so much, even caused her to cry.
Avery didn’t cry. Avery didn’t like to do that. It wasn’t a normal thing.
Somehow that too made it worse. What if I was hitting on things she never thought to think about? Waking her up from her subconscious world?
“Please,” she begged. Her perfect voice tickling my ears among other things and riding me back into wanting her more than I’d ever wanted anything or anyone.
I’d done a bad thing. Again.
When she spoke, and I felt her, I knew I’d fucked up.
The thought sort of paralyzed me.
I didn’t deserve to be fucking her.
I was the one causing her doubts.
“If you stop now, I am going to kill you,” she warned. Of course she was angry… I’d be angry with me too...
That was it I guess. I’d have to pretend to feel worthy, at least for right now.
Forget the day we had and all the times I unloaded my bullshit onto her.
I had to be the faceless girl and show her I cared.
I tried my best, my stomach twisting as I hid my eyes.
All I could do was concentrate on what I knew I could do.
I pushed into her again and again, my whole body trying and pressing as I kept my head down.
This was the first time I ever wanted it over. But I couldn’t force her, the body didn't work that way, so I was patient and I tried to stay calm.
Soon, Avery was ready. I felt her walls tightening around my fingers, her legs tensing against my naked legs. I felt as she began to turn out because of my touch.
But then she screamed in relief and I threw my other hand up so fast to quiet her that I almost terrified myself.
In my haste I got to see her feel it again. I loved when she came. I always did.
Right now though I didn’t feel much like celebrating.
I’d much rather crawl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep.
It was hard to talk to her about these things. We were just so different and those differences made everything hard. She didn’t know me yet. I knew that now.
When she stopped making sounds I pulled out of her slowly and pulled my other hand away from her mouth.
Normally I’d be kissing her now. Normally I’d want to be reminding her that it was me who’d done that, me who always wanted to do that forever and ever.
Sadly, I readjusted on her body instead, lowering myself down just a tad so that I could lay ontop of her and rest my ear over her strong beating heart and just listen.
I didn't want anyone but her. Especially not a faceless pleasure phantom.
I tucked my hands against her sides and tried to keep myself calm.
It was hard though.
I realized, somewhere along the line my body had started to shake. It wasn’t uncommon with sex. Avery wouldn’t worry. She might think that perhaps I was cold.
Bringing Up Baby was still playing in the background.
I could hear the familiar dialogue, see the scenes in my mind that I’d already knew.
I thought of Avery’s grandma. I really wanted to cry. I’d been doing that alot lately, a lot more than usual.
“Why aren't you kissing me?” She asked. “You’re usually kissing me by now.”
“I feel sad,” I admitted, finally accepting it and letting it be true.
I couldn’t fix the number I’d done on either of us, especially me. I needed to stop taking things out of proportion, to stop getting lost inside my own head.
“Why are you sad? Did I make you feel bad?”
“You didn’t mean to,” I said.
“How?” She pulled me up by my shoulders. I couldn’t hide from her, not long. “Please tell me,” she begged.
“I don’t want to tell you,” I hid my eyes on her skin. “I feel absolutely crazy right now.”
It was the truth. I did feel crazy but I usually did...
No matter what she said my mind would race. There was always too much information to go through in such a short span of time. Too many thoughts to process, too much data to take in and recalculate in order to find stable ground. I sucked with people.
“You are crazy but so am I. Just tell me. I promise not to freak out again.”
Instead of talking I leaned in with closed eyes to kiss her. I just wanted to feel her again. I knew it would calm me. A kiss was sweet and personal and not sex. For a second she let me kiss her. Then she pulled away and I knew I couldn’t have her.
“No. Talk to me,” she said. “Tell me what you feel.”
She didn't like how I tried to avoid it. It was all that I knew. I could say nothing, do nothing. I could pretend I was just tired, really tired.
I could lie.
Anger cycled within me. I wasn’t okay.
My words began to choke me before I even managed to say them at all.
“I feel pointless,” I croaked. “Like I could’ve been anyone. Like you needed someone and I could’ve been anyone. Like I’m a lucky jerk who just so happened to get to you first. And most of all I feel like I hurt you in thinking that, even if it’s still true. Which makes everything worse. It makes it so much worse,” I fought myself, getting up and rushing to unlock the door and remove myself before the tears came and fell.
I figured it went without saying that her following me was not something I wanted right now.
The house was still and quiet.
It was late now, my parents were probably asleep or getting ready to be.
I ducked into the shower and turned it up. At first it was freezing but slowly it got warmer and warmer until it was pounding down hot and steamy on my back.
I felt my breath leave me as the panic of tears filled my vision and then began to fall out.
The noise of the shower calmed me down like before but I wasn’t quiet, I couldn’t be.
I cried hard but no one could hear me, which was good. I was used to this. The shower was always my space.
I thought about curling up on the ground in a ball but right now even moving to sit seemed a chore. Instead I leaned my arms onto the corner and let myself break.
I heard the curtain pull and felt Avery’s body behind me, her hand at my waist like so many nights before after Ben.
“You should’ve stayed,” I whined painfully, the tears hurting me because I didn’t want them to come.
“Bullshit,” Avery huffed, walking under the stream and pulling me to turn around so that my back lay flat on the tile and I’d have to recognize her. “I’m real,” she said, leaning into me and kissing me fast, first on my lips but then on my neck using her tongue, sliding it up before tasting to make sure I felt her everywhere and knew this was what she meant.
I felt her naked body press into mine, her hands at my wrists keeping me.
“Look at me,” she said, I felt her mouth on my nipple and sucking hard as one of her hands moved to my stomach and pushed at me so that she could have me where she wanted, the perfect place to see her, the perfect place to have herself be seen.
When she came up again I was aware of her, fully aware. She’d made it impossible for me to say no, impossible for me to avoid her.
My eyes met hers and I could see that she was stern and done with my doubting.
“You can’t talk to me like that,” she said.
“Like what?” I asked weakly, knowing exactly how I’d put her into a corner with my own mental bullshit.
“You’re not faceless to me,” she said, moving forward and cupping my chin with her hand as she kissed the side of my face and moved her lips up to my ear. “You’re the only one I can feel,” she said, her breath long and sexy.
“I know it’s hard to believe,” she said, panting. Her hands were roaming and touching my body and the steam made it all so very warm. I felt pressed by her, entirely challenged. “You’re fucking different, Olivia,” she said it so void of malice, it almost sounded tragic the way she spoke, more like a sigh then a curse and a word. Her voice squeaked at my name and I felt it inside me like maybe it was filling the space where that sharp pain wished so desperately to reside. “You’re not faceless,” she said, aching to show me. “I just can’t take you sometimes ‘cause you’re too real.”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t speak.
Her body pressed to mine and I gasped.
“No one else could’ve gotten to me,” she whispered, turning me around and pressing her body up against my back. “You’re sexy and addicting.” I felt her hand snake around my hip and generously run down my front as she sank her fingers without warning right into my folds. I felt her rub me down and then back up. A moan escaped me, a long whine of a moan. And a gasp.
“Shhhhh,” she said. I could feel her smiling into my ear. “Your parents will hear.”
“I don’t care,” I whined gruffly.
Her body pushed into mine from behind. I felt her breath on my ear as she continued to touch me. “No one else could’ve woken me up,” she said sweetly. “So don’t be sad,” she asked. “Please.”
I felt her forehead on the back of my shoulder and I let my hand come up to hold her face to my skin.
“I’m gonna marry you because I’m in love with you,” she said.
I felt her fingers slip inside of me and push. She had her other arm under my chest and holding me tight to her. It was like she was lifting me up but that was just a feeling not a fact. She must’ve been frustrated, trying to show me.
“I wouldn’t marry a stranger,” she said. “Or a no one,” her words were sweet but they bit. They told me how stupid my thoughts had been, how incorrect. She was the only person I’d allow to talk to me like this.
She kept pushing up inside of me as I used my fists to try and brace myself on the perpendicular walls.
“Look at me,” she said, pulling out of me and forcing me again to turn around.
I loved when she moved me this way, when she took and turned me like I was no more than her sensitive living doll.
I felt her hands in my hair gently leading my head back with tenderness and care.
“You are mine,” she said, reminding me. It wasn’t an order but more of a certainty. “I want you. Not anyone else.”
Her hands slid down from my hair, tracing my entire body before stopping at my hips.
“Look at me,” she reminded me to let myself stare.
I felt her left hand on my forehead, as her eyes came closer and her breath hitched so close to my lips I could feel it just there.
When she pushed inside me again my eyes were wide open but drunk from the pleasure and the pain. She watched my face as she fucked me and my eyes fluttered as she filled me up inside.
“Good,” she said, seeing me, staring back as she fucked me right and slow. “Thank you,” she muttered again. My body jolted as she arrested me by just her stare.
I felt my panting increase as she went in for the kill and worked me harder, allowing her forehead to fall onto my shoulder a she did. She had me pressed against the wall just like that one time when I needed her to be hard. My arms came down to loosely hold onto her.
My eyes burned with tears but I wasn’t sad anymore it was just residual debris from before.
I panted and moaned, because of the crying it’d become so hard to breathe and I gasped, and then finally I was cumming and she stilled inside of me, her fingers strong like I was meant to always feel them in there. As I rocked out of all of my feelings, Avery stayed inside me and held me sweetly even though I didn’t quite deserve all her love.
I felt her body collapse into mine and as a result I collapsed around her as well, losing all of my strength and all of my doubts. If anything, I felt a bit foolish about it all, no matter how unintentional it was.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hugging her sadly.
“Shhhh,” she said, trying to calm me down. The water pounded around us, drowning us out.
I felt her hand on my face as her lips rose to kiss mine and I got lost in her again.
“We don’t have time to play these games,” she said.
“I know,” I sighed meekly. I was stupid and weak. Too weak to believe this could actually be real.
“Come sleep with me,” she said, shutting the water off and getting out.
She pulled a towel off the rail and let it fall open before draping it around my shoulders.
She’d wrapped one about herself quickly but tried to help me to dry off first.
I gathered up our clothes and cracked the door.
My parents weren’t around so I pulled her to follow me back to my room.
When we got inside I locked the door and dropped my towel.
Bringing Up Baby was still running strong and I was semi-glad for that.
She’d beat me, with no clothes to carry. I snuck into the bed beside her and turned away from her, hugging my face to my pillow.
I felt her damp naked body come in around mine and hold me.
“You’re crazy but I love you,” she whispered, hugging me tight.
I felt myself laugh as she laid a sweet kiss on the back of my shoulder.
Soon we’d have to face another day and I was nowhere near prepared.
I turned around in her arms and pulled her face in to take her lips in with mine. I had this habit of always paying a little more attention to her bottom lip. That made me smile right now as I tried to keep a little of her at least for the moment.
“Sometimes I lose sight of us,” I said. “Maybe one day we won’t be so confused.”
I also knew it was wrong of me to say we. I was the one who kept on seeing smoke when there wasn’t any fire.
I thought of Avery’s damaged hand, her rage, her pain.
I urged her to hold me tighter as I fell into her with all of myself.
“My baby,” I said, taking the time to pet her and stare…
I led myself onto my back, urging Avery to be calm and lay her head on my chest. As the movie played, I rubbed her back and played with her wet hair in my other hand. Every now and then I’d kiss the top of her head and breath her in.
She was mine. I needed to remember.
With her like this it was obvious. When we strayed though, and had to live apart, I got scared.
An uncertain future was never something I took comfort in. I liked having plans and backup plans and an escape route and a possible alternate.
With Avery I couldn’t have those things. There was no alternate. I wouldn’t accept anyone else, wouldn’t feel this way.
My plan would always have to be her. My escape route? Also her. My alternate? Still her.
I tightened her hair around my fingers and ran my lips over the soft silken strands.
“I love you,” I reminded. It was more an exhale than a statement. My way was picked. My course so precisely clear.
“I know,” she said, tugging at me and moving her body in such a way that I felt her everywhere, even the places she didn’t touch.
She made me ache for her constantly and I loved her for that. My body gave way in the spaces where her’s rubbed, soothed, and ghosted.
Without wanting to, I began to think of tomorrow and having to leave this place again, having to allow her to brave her father and maybe even her mother too.
“I can take you to see your mom if you want,” I suggested quietly. I knew, despite everything, she was worried about her.
“Really?” A faint smile played at her lips. “I’d like that,” she said. “She's not like my dad. She’ll be okay with us and she’ll love you.”
“Really?” I asked, smiling back. “I’
d love to do that,with you,” I said, kissing her forehead again and holding her close.
There was just never a guarantee I wouldn’t freak out and screw things up. Which definitely wasn’t helpful and absolutely kept on happening with us despite my not wanting it to.
It was getting harder for me to control myself with her. All my smoke-screens were dropping and I was starting to see her notice that I wasn’t as perfect as she thought. I’m much more of a mess than she knows, I’m afraid.
I wiggled a bit, making myself ready to sleep.
Avery readjusted and held me again.
I felt my eyes closing, my breath letting go.
“Thanks for coming over,” I pretended to tease.
She might’ve gotten more peace of mind sleeping alone in her car.
“You know I wanted to be here,” she said, as sweet as sugar, always as sweet.
I cleared my throat behind closed lips, my hand coming up to hold her to me as my lips turned to rest on her forehead and I knew I was about to crash for the night.
For once I actually wasn’t scared for the morning, just excited to be of use to her again and feel her more and hear her voice saying things.
“You’re everything,” I whispered, feeling it inside of me.
It didn’t take long after that. Safe, within her arms, and beneath the familiar glow of the moving images on the television screen, sleep gently stole me away. I fell victim to the natural urge to just rest.
Chapter Nine
Avery
I blinked open sleepy eyes to see Olivia right next to my face. Instead of moving to free my leg, which was trapped uncomfortably, I watched her. Just for the pleasure of seeing her face unguarded and unknowing. I felt like watching over her.
We took care of each other in turns. Two weather patterns always on the verge of a violent storm. No one else could have handled us. That, I knew. For now we were adjusting as we went, trying to fit the intensity of love into a small space between us.
I thought of her parents who might be downstairs sipping coffee and getting ready to go about their day. Of my father, who would have completed his ten mile run by now and would no doubt be trying to find me. Of my mom in rehab, not knowing about the problems that developed inside our family. I just wanted to see her right now.
Paper Dolls [Book Two] Page 8
