by Hayden Hunt
“I know.” I nodded. “I want to touch you too. I’m so sorry our night out had to go like… This. This isn’t what I wanted.”
“I know.” He nods. “Me either. I feel guilty.”
“Guilty?” I questioned. “Why should you feel guilty?”
“Because I’m the one whose been bothering you to go out. I’m the one who wasn’t satisfied just spending time at home. If we just didn’t go out tonight-”
“No.” I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with you. We had to go out at some point, we couldn’t stay cooped up in the house forever. It was just…unfortunate timing.”
“You know, we never need to go out on a weekend night again. At least, not to a bar or anywhere crowded where we’re likely to run into people.”
“But I wish we could.” I told him sadly. “I wish I could take you here and act the way I want to around you. I wish I could plan an elaborate date and sweep you off your feet. With flowers, candles, a dessert I made that we could share on the beach.”
Blush rose to his cheeks. “That would be lovely.”
“I’d sweep you off your feet, you know.”
“You already have.” He reminded me.
We heard the door to the bar open and our heads both jerked. It wasn’t the man who was taking photos, but it very well could’ve been.
“You should just go.” Alex told me. “I’ll go home too, we’ll go in different directions so if somebody is following us it won’t look suspicious.”
“Ugh.” I groaned. “I’m so fucking sorry I ruined our night.”
“You didn’t. Really, you didn’t. I mean, nobody really did. Except maybe me, telling that girl I was your boyfriend months ago. But at the time I had no idea how problematic that was.”
“I know, don’t worry, I know.”
And he’s right, it wasn’t really the girls fault either. She was just stating what she thought was well known information.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” He said. “Imagine I’m giving you a kiss goodbye.”
I laughed. “Already done.”
We both got into our cars and headed our separate ways.
I absolutely hated how tonight had gone. But even more than that, I was so worried about the future. What was going to happen? What pictures of me are going to be spread around the internet tomorrow? What gossip news stories will go viral?
Maybe Alex was right, though. They didn’t have a lot of information to go off and no incriminating evidence. Maybe this whole thing will blow over without issue and I was worrying over nothing.
That’s what I told myself the entire ride home. Hell, that’s what I told myself all night as I tried to go to sleep with a restless mind.
Unfortunately, that’s not how things went.
I got a call from my publicist first thing in the morning.
“Liam, what’s going on?” She asked. “You’re all over the internet.”
“All over the internet? For what?” I tried to play stupid, though I knew damn well what she was talking about and my heart was racing in my chest.
“People are saying you’re gay. Is that true, are you gay?”
“No!” I lied because I had no idea what else to say. “Where did you hear that?”
“It’s everywhere. They even have a picture of you in a bar with some guy.”
“Are we playing pool?” I asked.
“Yes.” She said quickly. “Who is he?”
“He’s just my friend, Alex. We literally went to the bar to play some pool and have a drink. That’s it.”
“That’s what I expected. But if these rumors are baseless, we need to get ahead of them. I had you scheduled for an interview next week to talk about your upcoming season, but I had it moved to this afternoon so that she can also ask you about the rumors and you can denounce them quickly. If we wait, more stories will pop up expanding on this rumor. Are you available at two?”
“Two? Sure, yeah, that will work. Am I going to meet them in your office?”
“Yes, so come in a little early and we’ll go over what you’re going to say.”
“Alright.” I agreed. “I’ll be there.”
I hung up and before I even had time to process what had just happened, my phone was ringing again. This time, it was Alex.
“Hello?”
“Hi, baby…” He said quietly. “Have you been online yet?”
“No, but my publicist just called me.” I said softly.
“Oh, babe, I’m so sorry. This is all my fault, I really didn’t think this was going to happen. Especially not so fast!”
“Don’t worry. It’s going to be fine. My publicist already set up an interview for me where I can deny the whole thing. Like you said, they have no real evidence, right?”
“Right.” He agreed, but his voice clearly expressed disappointment.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing, it’s stupid. I just thought… maybe you wouldn’t want to deny the claims.”
“What?” I asked, shocked. “Alex, you know what this will do to my career.”
“I’m sorry, I know, it was stupid. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just really hard for me. Being a secret it’s… It’s not easy. I know I can’t expect any more of you right now and I don’t blame you but it’s hard.”
“I know. I’m sorry. But just a few more years of this and we’ll have exactly the life we want.”
“You’re right.” He agreed. “Do whatever you need to do.”
“I need to go get ready for this interview.” I said. “But I’ll call you after it’s done. I love you.”
“Right, I love you too. Talk to you later.”
I can’t deny, I was completely stressed the entire time I was preparing. I was going over what I was going to say in the interview, practicing in the mirror, but every time I said the words ‘Alex is just my friend,’ it sounded dis-genuine.
Because it was, of course. And I had always been a shitty liar. Now I was going to have to convince all of America that my boldfaced lie was the truth.
I got dressed up in some nice slacks and a button down with a blazer. Nothing too fancy, but definitely interview appropriate.
When I arrived 45 minutes before the interview, my publicist seemed as nervous as me. This didn’t help because it only confirmed what I already suspected: me being portrayed as a gay man was bad for my football career.
For the first time, I seriously thought about how fucked up that was. I had been so wrapped up in the reasons why this was bad for my career that I really never stopped to think how backwards it is that my sexuality might affect me playing football.
It didn’t change who I was. It certainly didn’t change my talents or ability to play the game.
But those aren’t the only things that matter. Good publicity matters too, and what it does affect is the way my fans will see me.
It’s fucked, but I can’t control it. I just have to roll with the punches. I love what I do, and putting on this facade is part of it. At least for a few years.
I went over what I planned to say with my publicist, and she thought it sounded good. Which made me a little more confident because she wouldn’t hesitate to tell me that my tone was off or that something was registering as fake.
As I waited for the interviewer to arrive, Alex’s words replayed in my head. If he had his way, he would really want me to come out in this interview. What did that mean? Was he getting cold feet about our arrangement?
No, he loves me just as much as I love him. He understands this. I have to do this, I don’t have a choice, it’s for my career.
At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
12
Alex
It’s not that I wanted Liam to be caught and outed as a gay man that night we went to the bar. I really didn’t. It made him uncomfortable and stressed and I didn’t want any of that for him.
So what does it say about me that I was actually a little relieved to be caught that
night?
I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it. This secret life wasn’t what I wanted and it felt nice to actually be identified for what I was… Liam’s boyfriend.
But now things are worse than ever. It was bad enough to be kept a secret but now Liam was actually going to go on national TV and lie about me?
I know it’s what he has to do. I know he only wants to keep his career intact.
But I can’t deny, it hurts. I did have this hope in the back of my mind that he might actually just admit the truth now that he was confronted by it.
I won’t blame him, though. He was very clear with me, from the very beginning, what the conditions of our relationship were. And I agreed to them.
And, really, It’s a small price to pay because the boy makes me genuinely very happy. Happier than I ever could have imagined. He may not show me off, but he does everything he can to show me how much he cares about me.
Still, tonight was the interview and though I already knew he was going to deny being with me, I was still nervous to watch it for myself. I didn’t know what kind of feelings it might bring up.
Liam had invited me over so that we could watch it together, but I decided against it. If I got emotional, I didn’t want it to be around him. He didn’t need to know the extent to which this bothered me.
I sat down in front of my television when the interview was about to start, my hands actually shaking a little in anticipation.
It started off slow. First the interviewer asked him a lot of football mumbo jumbo. I had been trying lately to gain interest in the sport since, you know, my boyfriend was a professional in it and all. But I just couldn’t get into it. I had never been much of a sports fan.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, came the question I was dreading.
“So, Liam, I apologize if this is a sore question for you but I’ve got to ask. Have you heard the rumors going around about you being gay?”
He gave a slight chuckle and side-smile. “Yes, I have heard about them.”
“Is there any validity to the claims?” She asked.
“Absolutely not. Anybody who knows me knows I have always sought out women. There isn’t a man on this planet that could sway me from women.”
Okay, that was a little weird to hear but not as bad as I thought. It didn’t sting or affect my feelings directly. All in all, I could handle that answer.
But then it got worse.
“And the man in the photo?”
“At the bar? Playing pool with me?”
“Yes.” She confirmed.
He laughed again. “That’s just me and my buddy Alex playing pool!”
“So there’s nothing romantic going on between you and Alex?”
“Absolutely not. Alex is just a good friend of mine. But he’d never be a possible romantic partner for me.”
There it was… The heart sinking feeling. I knew it was coming, but I still wasn’t prepared.
Why did this hurt me so bad? I knew it was all a lie. I knew it was just for the cameras. And yet, it nearly broke me to hear him talk about me being just a friend so nonchalantly.
I could only guess this was because what I went through with Jason. After hearing him tell his friends, over and over, how I was nothing more than a friend… It just got more and more painful as time went on.
I knew it was different with Liam. I knew he wouldn’t deny me forever. But, still, could I do this for years?
Now that this rumor was out there, it wasn’t going to just go away. Sure, this interview may quell them for a while. He was very convincing, after all. But they’ll come back. The questions will return.
This won’t be the first time I’ll have to hear him deny his feelings for me on camera, for the entire nation to see.
Could I deal with this ache every time? Could Liam’s amazing treatment of me really make up for the pain this causes?
I knew the answer, though I didn’t want to.
Sarah was right. I couldn’t deal with being a secret for years. I wanted to, I really did, but it would be years of me being in pain. No matter how great our relationship was privately, it would always hurt me that it wasn’t public.
I called Liam immediately. I had to. I knew that if I waited, I would quickly lose my nerve and back out of saying what I needed to say. If I waited, I’d convince myself that I could deal with this because I loved him.
But I couldn’t.
“Hey, babe.” He answered cheerfully, which only made what I had to say that much more difficult.
“Hey…” I answered quietly.
“I’m just watching the end of the interview, what’s up?”
“We need to talk. I have something I have to say.” I said bluntly.
“What’s wrong?” He asked nervously.
“I was, uh, watching the interview too.”
“And you didn’t like it? Did I say something wrong?”
“No. No, you didn’t. You said what you needed to say but… It really hurt to hear.”
“Oh, Alex, I’m so sorry.” He said in a genuinely sympathetic tone. “You know my goal was never to hurt you. I was just trying to be convincing as possible. None of that I said is actually true.”
“I know. I know its lies. But that’s kind of the problem. You were convincing, you really were. If I didn’t know better, you’d even have convinced me. Which made it hurt all that much worse. That you could just say those things about me without a hint of deception in your voice…”
“Alex, trust me, it wasn’t easy. None of this is easy.”
“No.” I agreed. “No, it really isn’t. It’s very fucking hard and I was just thinking about how hard it’s going to continue to be for the next several years when it already is so difficult right now.”
He paused for a long time. “Alex, tell me you’re not saying what I think you’re saying.”
“I don’t want to be.” My voice cracked.
“You don’t seriously want to end this, do you? We… We’re so happy! You make me so fucking happy. And I thought I was making you happy, too…”
“You are. You do. But all your kindness doesn’t take away the hurt of being your best kept secret. I’ve liked you from the moment I met you. I wanted to be with you. So I told myself that I could handle this because I desperately didn’t want to just let you go. But it was a lie, Liam. I lied to myself. I can’t handle this.”
“So, what are my choices here?” He said sharply. “Either I give up you or I give up my career? Is that really the extent of my options?”
“No.” I said definitively. “I would never ask you to give up your career. I wouldn’t even ask you to out yourself to the world. I don’t make ultimatums.”
“Then what are you asking?”
“I’m not asking anything.” My eyes were beginning to tear up now. “I’m telling you that I need to walk away. For both of our sakes.”
“Both of our sakes?!” He nearly shouted. “No, Alex, this doesn’t do me any good.”
“Yes, it does. Because you get to keep the career that you love. And I want that for you.”
“But I don’t! Do you think I love football more than you?”
“I don’t know. I just know you can’t give it up for me.”
Silence.
“It’s just my job. It’s just the way I make money. And as soon as I have enough money to not have to worry for the rest of my life, I’ll be done.” He said softly.
“I mean, do we even really know if that’s true? You have a lot of money now, Liam. More than most people would consider enough to live off. I think you want to keep playing for a few more years because you generally love it. And I don’t want to be the one to take that from you.”
“But I genuinely love you way more! You are my fucking everything, Alex. You are my future.”
“And maybe I still am. Maybe in a few years, we’ll both be single and you’ll be done playing and we can explore this. But until then I think it’d be better if we just… Go our separate way
s.”
“How can I do that?” He asked, desperation in his voice. “How can I just spend years without you? You’ve been my light. And I don’t want the darkness to come back.”
“Then don’t let it. Be your own light for now, Liam. And just hold hope that I can come back to you one day. I want to, I really do. You are fucking perfect for me. Don’t think this doesn’t hurt me, it does. It nearly breaks me. I want to be with you so badly and under different circumstances, I would be.”
“Alex, please.” He said in a near whisper.
I could feel my resolve weakening. I wanted to give into him, wanted so badly to comfort him. But I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t.
So before he changed my mind I quickly said: “Goodbye, Liam.” And hung up.
13
Liam
The weeks without Alex in my life were as bad as I had expected them to be.
I found myself returning to the same cynical, bitter attitude I’d once had before.
I never even considered trying to date again. Why would I? Like I said before, I didn’t think of myself as a man who liked men. I thought of myself as a man who loved Alex.
I really, truly believed there wasn’t anyone out there for me except him. I’d met a lot of men after all, and none of them every clicked for me like him.
I called him a lot, I admit it. But he never picked up. It hurt me every single time. I knew he wasn’t specifically trying to hurt me. He was just trying to make it less painful for the both of us.
But nothing could make it less painful for me. He thought he was doing right by me, not making me choose between him and my career and all. But the only truly good thing for me would be keeping him in my life.
Could I blame him, though? It was clear to me that being kept a secret was genuinely hurting him. I even saw the signs long before he decided to tell me outright though I did my best to ignore them.
I didn’t want him in pain for me. Even if it meant I ached every damn day, I wouldn’t choose for him to be hurting just so I could be happy with him.
There were a few times I was tempted to drive to his house, but I never did. I knew that would be a serious invasion of his privacy and his desire to stay separated. I respected him and I’d respect what he wanted, even if it was fucking killing me.
