by Hayden Hunt
Not that I wanted to. My head hurt nearly every day. Mostly, I just sat in my room and quietly reflected on the last few months since I’d met Alex.
He was over at my place every day now. He was dead set on giving me the best care possible. He had been very sweet and nurturing. He made all my meals, had alarms for when I needed to take my painkillers, he was extremely attentive.
And, as odd as it sounds, it hurt me.
I know I didn’t ask to get hurt, it wasn’t in my plan. Still, I felt like somehow I was manipulating him. He wouldn’t be acting like this if I hadn't been hurt. My accident had changed his mind, it didn’t feel right.
Now he was sacrificing so much for me, and what did I have to give up? Nothing. Nothing has changed. Which means, really, I’m still hurting him by not being honest about our relationship.
I heard a soft knock on the door.
“Come in.” I said quietly. Raising my voice any more gave me a pounding headache.
“I’ve got some soup and your medication.” He said softly as he came in to the dimly lit room.
“Thanks, babe.” I sipped on the warm broth he had set on a tray before me.
He sat on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling today?”
“A little better every day.” I gave a half smile at him.
“Is something wrong?” By now, he could read me like a book.
“No… I mean, kind of.” I took in a deep breath. “Alex, are you happy?”
“Am I happy? What do you mean?”
“Like, are you happy here? With me?”
“Of course I am. You should know that. I choose to be here everyday, Liam. I choose to help you because I love doing it.”
“I know you love me. That’s why you agreed to be with me in secret to begin with. But there was still something keeping you from being happy. So I’m asking, do you still feel like that?”
“No.” He shook his head. “Sincerely, I don’t. I don’t feel the same way as I did. Your accident was a wake up call to how I really feel. Please, don’t worry about that. That’s not what I want you thinking about as you’re trying to heal.”
“Okay.” I agreed so he wouldn’t worry about me.
But I knew I couldn’t really forget about it. The guilt was going to eat at me until I did something about it.
“Is there anything you need?” He asked.
“No. Everything is perfect, thanks.”
He smiled and stroked my hand.
“Actually,” I began, “There is one thing I need.”
“What’s that?”
“You to go see Sarah.”
He laughed. “What are you talking about?”
“I need you to go have lunch with Sarah. Or dinner, or go see a movie, whatever you want to do. I just want you to get out of the house.”
“Uhm, okay.” He answered, bewildered. “But I don’t understand why?”
“You’ve been cooped up in this house with me all day, every day since I got home from the hospital. It’s not healthy for you to constantly be worried about me like this. You need to get out, have some fun, see your friends. I’ve healed a lot. I can manage at home on my own for an afternoon. It’s not like I don’t sleep most of the day anyway.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet. For you to think of me like that.” He kissed my cheek. “I swear, you are the most perfect boyfriend to ever grace the planet.”
No, no I wasn’t. And he just didn’t see it. He was the perfect one. He was the one sacrificing his feelings, his entire life, just for me. I was the selfish one who let him, at no cost to myself.
“Speaking of which, I think I’m going to take another nap.” I told him.
“Alright, no problem. I’ll check on you in a few hours. I have my phone on me, so just ring if there’s something you need.”
“Will do.” I told him as I rolled over to pretend to go to sleep.
When I heard the door close and the television in the living room turned on, I reached for my phone to call my publicist.
“Hello?” She picked up within two rings.
“Hey, Lisa, it’s Liam.”
“Liam, hi, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for another few weeks. Your friend told me you’d be recovering for a while. I think I’ve covered well in your absence though, if I do say so myself.”
“He’s not my friend.” I said suddenly.
“What?” She asked, barely remembering what she had just said. She did this often. She talked too fast for her own good.
“Alex, he’s not just my friend. He’s my boyfriend.”
She was quiet on the other line for a moment. “Oh. So the rumors were true?”
“Yes. Completely, absolutely true.”
“I see.” She paused for a moment. “So why exactly are you calling?”
“Because I need to tell the world that.”
“Need to tell the world what?”
“That Alex is my boyfriend.”
“Woah there, cowboy. Have you considered what this would mean?”
“Yes.” I said definitively.” And I know you’re my publicist but frankly, I’m not looking for your advice. I know I’m doing this, for my relationship. If that means I need to retire after this year, so be it.”
She sighed. “Alright then, what do you need me to do?”
“I need you to draft an open letter to my fans. And I need it published as soon as possible.”
“Okay.” She agreed. “Just tell me what to say.”
So I did.
16
Alex
When I told Liam that my attitude about keeping our relationship private had changed, I wasn’t lying. My entire perspective had shifted now that I was back with him.
I can’t say we spent too much serious quality time together lately. He wasn’t feeling well and slept most of the time. Mostly, I took care of him and spent the rest of my time loafing around his apartment. I was using all my vacation days at work, but was happy to do so.
The brief time we did get to spend talking to each other was nice though. We fell right back into old habits.
We talked about our lives before we met. Our families, our old friends, everything we used to be. And equally often, we talked about the future.
I never knew it before, but now that I was with Liam I was sure that I wanted children. I didn’t care how. We could adopt, use a surrogate, it didn’t matter. I just knew that I needed to be a father.
Particularly, I needed to be one with Liam by my side. I could just see him being a dad. I knew he’d make a great one.
He shared similar feelings. Neither of us wanted to jump on having children right now, of course. But it was definitely a hope for the future. Years down the line, after we got acclimated to just being together.
Because before I envisioned a family with him, I envisioned another life. A life where we just explored each other. Where we travelled, created memories to tell our future kids, had long nights of lovemaking where we stopped only to eat and laugh with each other.
Of course, that would have to come a few years after his football career, but I could wait. As long as I had him, I could wait forever.
It was about six o'clock, time for Liam to take his pain medication. I made him a sandwich since he was getting his appetite back and quietly walked into his room. I was surprised to find him awake.
“Hey there, are you hurting?” I asked. Usually if he was awake around the time of taking his medication, this was why.
“No, just thinking.” He said softly.
“I made you a sandwich, is that okay? Or do you want something else?”
“No, a sandwich is perfect, thank you.” He said, taking it with open hands. But he didn’t look happy. He was just staring at me, hesitantly.
“What’s up?”
“Have you been online today?”
“No…” I said questioningly.
He nodded, but didn’t give more of an explanation. “Can you bring me my laptop?”
I d
id. He fiddled on it for a minute.
“Babe, you’re not supposed to be on the computer, remember?” I didn’t want to be too bossy, but I was genuinely concerned for his well being.
“I know. It’s just for a second.” Then he turned the computer to me.
It was a news article. The title was “Open Letter from Liam Valadez To His Fans.”
“Huh? What’s this?”
“Just read it.”
I did.
I know this will come as a shock to my fans, possibly it will even garner a very negative reaction. I understand that and accept whatever consequences may come from me saying what I need to say.
But it also needs to be said. I have not been entirely honest with my fans. When rumors spread about me being gay, I shut them down immediately. I dared to call Alex merely a friend of mine. Even worse, a friend who I have no romantic interest in.
This could not be farther from the truth. In reality, Alex is my boyfriend. He is the love of my life. I have never loved someone so deeply as I love Alex. And that is not something I want to hide any longer.
I understand this will likely cause me to lose fans. But that does not change the fact that I am no longer comfortable living a lie.
After my recent injury on the field, Alex has been by my side every second. He has been taking care of my every need. He deserves to be acknowledged for what he is: an amazing man and my lover.
I do hope this announcement will be met with understanding. It may be surprising to many but in reality, all I’m announcing is my love for another person. A person who means the world to me. Look at your loved ones and imagine you had to pretend that you did not care for them for all the nation to see. It’s heartbreaking, and I won’t put myself or Alex through it any longer.
Thank you in advance for your understanding.
With love,
Liam Valadez
It took me a while to actually process the words.
“Wait… this letter… you put it out online?!” I gasped.
“Yes.” He answered stoically.
“But, Liam…”
“I needed to do it. Not just for you, but for myself too.”
I could feel tears well up in my eyes. “But you didn’t have to. I didn’t want you to, I mean-“
“But you kind of did want me to, right?” He cut me off.
“No, really! I didn’t. I was fine. I wasn’t lying to you before. And I wanted you to be able to keep both of the loves in your life. Both me and football.”
He shook his head. “I don’t have two loves in my life. Just one. Just you. Maybe in the future, there will be more. I’ll add our children to my very small list of things I love more than anything. But football doesn’t make that list.”
“Liam… But really, what if you can’t play anymore?”
“You know, I thought about that.” He said without explanation.
“And?”
“And I’ve decided that’s not such a bad thing. In fact, I think it sounds like such a good plan I’ve decided to retire, anyway.”
“Wait… Seriously? Do you mean that even if this letter is well received, you’re still going to retire?”
“That’s right.”
This was a total shock to me. “But why?!”
“Football is not a safe sport, Alex. How did you feel when you saw me crumple to the ground?”
“Scared.” I admitted. “Terrified. Afraid I was going to lose you. Nervous you may never walk again. I mean… There were a lot of feelings running through me, I guess.”
“And I’m guessing none of them were positive feelings.”
“No. Definitely not.”
“Me either. All I could think about was you. How badly I wanted to be with you. I don’t want anything to take me away from you. Yes, I’ve loved playing football, but I’ve done that. I don’t want to take any more risks. Especially not after our conversation the other day. You know, my dreams used to all be about football. About how far I could or couldn’t succeed in it. But that’s changed.”
I laid down next to him and he instinctively extended his arm so I could crawl close to him.
“And what are your dreams now?” I asked.
“They’re all wrapped up in a future with you.”
I smiled and nuzzled myself gently on his chest.
“Thank you.” I told him. “I mean it, it really wasn’t necessary but… Still, thank you.”
Things were now perfect for me. I had my man, I never had to worry about another injury again, we didn’t have to be a secret. That future I wanted so desperately was finally here.
“So we can just… start our lives together, then?” I asked.
“That’s what I’m hoping for. Actually, I wanted to ask you about that.”
“Oh?” I looked up at him.
Without warning, he blurted out the words. “Will you move in with me?”
“Will I… move in with you?”
He shocked me for the second time today.
“I know its soon. I know we’ve only been together a few months. But god damn it, Alex, I love you. I don’t want to waste another minute being apart from you. I want our lives together to start, now. And I want it to start with you living in my house.”
“I… I don’t know what to say.” It really was soon. So soon, that I never even considered it as an option.
“Say you’ll move in with me. Tell me you’ll leave your shit hole of an apartment to stay in all this.” He motioned dramatically to the walls of the room.
I laughed. “Okay, it’s not a shit hole. It may not be the million dollar home of a football star, but it has its benefits.”
“And its drawbacks. Like the fact that I’m not there.”
He was right about that.
“Okay.” I gave in.
“Okay, you’ll move in with me?”
“Okay, I’ll move in with you.” I smiled.
He wrapped his thick arms around me. “Baby, I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you too.”
17
Liam
My life had changed so drastically in the last few months. But it’s literally all been for the better.
I was thrilled to find that there wasn’t as big of a backlash about my announcement that I’m gay. There was some, of course. There were many conservative football fans who didn’t hesitate to call me ‘disgusting’ and a ‘disgrace to men.’
But I also got a lot of support from my fans, particularly the ones on the West coast which of course is where most of my fan base is from.
What was taken a lot more harshly, though, was my announcement of resignation from the sport.
Though the disappointment was very evident, I hope people can understand. I detailed my reason for quitting which, mainly, boiled down to Alex. The fact that I want a future with him and I am coming to the harsh reality of how dangerous the sport truly is. I have no desire to leave him in this life without a loving partner by his side
Alex says he would have approved of my decision whatever it would have been. But I know he’s relieved that I won’t be playing any longer. I can’t imagine how stressful it would’ve been for him to watch me play after what happened.
Since I’ve recovered from my concussion, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to make things up to Alex. Not that he said I had to, of course he never would. But I still felt an obligation to him. This obligation came from the guilt that I didn’t just immediately choose to be open about him from the beginning. I know that caused him a lot of pain, even if he didn’t discuss it openly.
But that’s also just the kind of person he is. He doesn’t discuss things openly. He moves on from them. He doesn’t dwell on any negativity. I loved that about him.
So far, I’ve taken him on a vacation to Hawaii and New York. I planned to take him on many more trips, but we’d have to wait for him to build up more vacation time.
I never outrightly said I was doing this because I was making up for the months o
f unhappiness I caused him when we were apart. I just told him it was because I wanted to see the smile on his face.
That was true too. Nothing gave me joy like seeing him happy. And boy, did he look happy. He had never had the money to travel this way before me, despite having wanted to. I felt lucky just to be able to give him the opportunity.
But it never felt like enough. And a week ago, I realized why.
It was nice that I had asked him to move in and all, but it didn’t feel like a strong enough commitment for the way I felt for him. I loved him so fucking much. There was no doubt in my mind, he was the man I wanted to spend my life with. He is who I will raise my children with.
And I wanted him to know it.
“Babe?” I heard him call out from the bathroom. “Do I need a swimsuit for where we’re going?” He asked.
“Nope, not necessary.” I told him.
I had planned this evening without his knowledge. All I told him was that we were going out and it was a surprise, so he shouldn’t ask.
He didn’t really like this much. He wasn’t a big fan of surprises. But I insisted there was nothing that was going to make me spill the secret so he finally agreed to go along with it.
“Okay, I’m ready.” He said as he walked out of the bathroom.
He had his hair styled in a loose side part. He was wearing a button-down shirt, slacks, and some nice dress shoes.
He was so incredibly handsome.
“You look perfect.” I kissed him softly.
He smiled. “Thanks, babe. Are you ready to go?”
“Yep. But you aren’t yet.”
“Huh? I just told you I am.”
“You’re missing something.” I insisted as I pulled a blindfold from my back pocket.
“Oh no!” He said quickly. “You are not going to get me to put that on!”
“Babe,” I said in a gentle pleading voice. “If you don’t, it’ll spoil it! And I put a lot of work into this evening, trust me.”
He sighed. Thankfully, it was enough of a guilt trip that he’d allow this, too.
“Fine. But I’m not putting it on until we’re in the car.”
“Fair enough.” I grinned.
