The next morning he thought about calling Crystal at Mrs. Castagna's, but he couldn't tell her anything yet. She didn't even know he was engaged. But he suddenly felt that he owed it to her not to call until he had settled the problem with Elizabeth. And he was even more furious with himself for making love to her in the car on the way to Poughkeepsie. All he needed now, to complete the picture of utter confusion, was for Elizabeth to get pregnant. But he knew from the past that she only took chances when she knew that couldn't happen. But even without that complication, Spencer was in the midst of an intolerable dilemma. And for the next week he couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't concentrate on his work. All he could think of was Crystal, and his thus far unsuccessfully broken engagement. And from time to time he wondered if Elizabeth was right and there was no such thing as a marriage made in heaven. They had a good time after all, in bed and out, she was smart, and they got along ' but Crystal was so much more than that ' at least he thought she was ' although in truth he had to admit, he barely knew her. And by the end of the week, he could hardly think straight. He had weighed it all so much and so often and with such care that none of it made any sense whatsoever. It never had. All he knew was that for years now he had been haunted by the romantic visions he had of Crystal, which were in sharp contrast to the realities of the woman he was still engaged to.
He looked like hell all week, and one of his friends at the office even commented on it, trying to be playful.
Must have been a rough weekend, Hill. Spencer smiled, but the next day when they played squash he was so distracted, he lost both games, and afterward he looked mournful when they stopped for drinks, and he knew he had to talk to someone. George Montgomery had just recently come to the firm. He was Spencer's age, and he had a bright future. He was the nephew of the senior partner of the firm, Brewster Vincent.
He looked up suddenly, desperate to talk to him, as the other man sensed he was deeply troubled. What's eating you?
I think I'm crazy.
I suspect you're right, but who isn't? George smiled at him and ordered another beer for both of them. Any special reason why you've just noticed?
He didn't know what to say to him. How could he even begin to tell him about Crystal? I ran into an old friend in San Francisco this weekend.
George suspected instantly, from the look on his face. A woman?
Spencer nodded miserably. I haven't seen her in years, and I thought I'd forgotten her ' but suddenly ' Christ, I don't even know how to explain it.
You wound up in bed with her, George suggested with a grin. Something similar had happened to him two days before he got married. Don't worry, it's just cold feet. You'll get over it.
And if I don't? Then what? Besides, just for the record, I didn't sleep with her. He said it to preserve her reputation more than his own, as though it mattered. George didn't even know her.
My sympathies then. Don't worry, Spencer. You'll forget her. Elizabeth is a great girl. You could do a lot worse than be related to Justice Barclay. Was that all anyone thought of then? The importance of the connection with her father?
Spencer looked up at him, and suddenly George knew it was serious. I told Elizabeth I wanted to break the engagement.
George whistled as he set his glass down. You're right. You are crazy. What did she say?
Spencer only shook his head. She doesn't want to hear it. She thinks it's an ordinary case of cold feet and told me to stop whining. It would have been funny, except that to Spencer, it wasn't.
She's a good sport at least. Does she know about the other girl?
Spencer shook his head unhappily. I didn't tell her. But I think she suspects it. She doesn't realize how serious it is though.
George looked firm as he looked at him. It isn't.
Yes it is. I'm in love with her ' the other one, I mean.
It's too late for that. Think of it. Think of the stink it will make if you break the engagement.
And if I don't? I spend the rest of my life thinking about someone else?
No, you won't. You'll forget her. He sounded sure of it, but Spencer wasn't. You have to.
Other people break engagements. Spencer looked agitated, and to make matters worse, he hadn't slept in days, which had depressed him even more.
They don't break engagements to Justice Barclay's daughter. George looked positive, and his attitude annoyed Spencer. Everyone was so damn impressed by who she was, and Spencer had never been sure that was important. He had proposed to her because he liked her, because she was intelligent and full of life, and he thought they might have an interesting life, and in the end, because he had told himself that he loved her. But he had never felt this way about her. He had known that from the first. It was why he had not asked her to marry him for an entire year. And then suddenly he had decided it would be all right. But he'd been wrong, and now what? He still didn't have the answers.
Why is all that so important, George? What difference does it make who her father is?
Are you kidding? You're not just marrying a girl, you're marrying a life-style, a name, an important family. You don't just walk in and out of a life like hers. They'll make you pay for it somehow, and even if they don't, your name will be mud from here to California. But as he said the words, Spencer thought of his parents, and how disappointed they would be. But he couldn't marry her just to please them.
I can live with that, if I have to. But could he? And what if Crystal wasn't right for him? What if it was all juvenile infatuation? After all, he hardly knew her. The point is, do I love Elizabeth or not? And the truth is, George, I don't know. How could I love her if I'm head over heels in love with someone else?
I think you just need to put it out of your mind, and come to your senses. Come on, I'll buy you dinner. Have a few drinks, go to bed, and don't say anything more to her for chrissake. You'll feel better in a few days. It's probably just what she said. Cold feet. Everyone gets them. But Spencer wasn't so sure. At least he slept peacefully that night, and in the morning, he saw the announcement of his engagement in The New York Times, with a very pretty photograph of Elizabeth taken in Washington at her father's induction. It made it all seem real again, and as he walked to work, he wondered if George was right, if he just had to put Crystal out of his head. But what in God's name was he going to tell her? That he'd made a mistake? That he didn't love her after all? That he had to marry someone else? And what about Crystal? She needed him, or at least she needed someone. It wasn't fair to her, and the thought of giving her up made his soul ache. But he didn't have to tell her anything.
In San Francisco that day, Crystal saw the announcement in the papers. He hadn't even thought about that as he struggled with his dilemma. She was eating dinner at Harry's with the rest of the staff , when Pearl suddenly handed her the Chronicle with a look of interest. But she wasn't as surprised as Crystal was when she saw Spencer's face smiling up at her from the paper.
Weren't they here the other night? I think I waited on them. Pearl was pensive. She was always fascinated by the socialites she read about in the papers. Saturday, I think it was. She was kind of full of herself, but I remember he was very nice. He was crazy about you. You should have seen his face when you were singing.
Crystal felt her hands turn to ice, and her fingers trembled as she handed back the paper. She had read enough. It said that Spencer Hill, of New York, was going to marry Justice Barclay's daughter, Elizabeth, and both families had flown into town for Thanksgiving to celebrate and give a party for four hundred friends at the Broadway mansion. Hedda Hopper said that the party had been incredible, with caviar, champagne, and a buffet that made the one at the White House look sick, and Artie Shaw and his band had played for the young couple till the wee hours of the morning. The date of the wedding was in June, and Miss Barclay's gown was going to be made by Priscilla of Boston. Crystal stared into her plate in disbelief. He hadn't said a thing to her about getting engaged. All he had told her was that he loved her. And that
he would come back to California. He had lied to her. And as she remembered all that he'd said, she felt her heart ache. She had believed him.
You ever hear of him before? Pearl inquired, chewing her food carefully. She was getting heavier lately, but she was still a terrific dancer.
No, Crystal shook her head, and went to empty her plate. It was still full, but she was no longer hungry. She sang her heart out that night, trying not to think of him, but it was hopeless. He was all she could think of, and two days later, when he called her, she almost didn't take the call, but Mrs. Castagna had insisted. It's long-distance! She had shouted, impressed, and Crystal's hands had been shaking when she finally took the receiver.
Yes?
Crystal? It was his voice and she closed her eyes as she listened. She didn't answer for a long moment, and he said her name again, sounding worried and unhappy.
Yes?
It's Spencer.
Congratulations. His heart stopped as she said the word and then instantly he knew. The Barclays would have put the announcement in the local papers. He had wanted to tell her himself, but now it was too late. She knew already.
I came back to New York to break it off. I swear. The night I came back I even told her.
I guess you both decided you didn't mean it.
It wasn't that ' it ' I don't know how to explain it.
You don't have to. She wanted to be angry at him, and she was, and yet now, listening to him, all she felt was enormous sadness. She had lost so many people she cared about, and now he was just one more. He was gone. Out of her life now forever. Like the others. But this time could have been so different. You don't owe me anything, Spencer.
That's not the point ' Crystal, I love you ' It was a terrible thing to say to her in the face of the announcement of his engagement. I don't mean to make things more difficult. I just want you to know that. Maybe our lives were just too far apart. We never had a chance to get to know each other' . It was a poor excuse. Instinctively he knew how well they would get along, how perfectly suited they would be. But he had opted for cool reality instead of gentle illusion. It all got so complicated once I got back here. She had seemed so unreal to him then, but talking to her on the phone made him ache to hold her again and feel her near him.
And at her end, as she listened to him, she was silently crying. She wanted to hate him, but she didn't. She must be a very special person.
He hesitated for a moment, wanting to tell her the truth, how much more special she was to him than Elizabeth, and yet that wasn't real. It couldn't be. He couldn't let it. It's very different from what you and I have felt. It doesn't have the same kind of magic.
Then why are you doing it? She didn't understand anymore. It was all too confusing.
To be honest with you, I'm not sure. Maybe because it was too complicated not to.
That's not much of a reason to get married. He knew it too, and there was very little he could say in answer.
I know that. I know this sounds crazy, but I'll write to you ' just to see how you are ' or can I call you? He couldn't stand the thought of losing sight of her again. Not again. He needed to know that she was all right, and be there if she needed him, but she didn't want that.
The tears rolled slowly down her cheeks again, and she shook her head. Don't ' you're going to be married. We never had anything anyway. Just a dream. I don't want to hear from you. It would just remind me of what we never had. What she said was true, but it depressed him even more to know that she wanted no contact with him.
Will you call me if you need anything?
Like what? She smiled through her tears. How about a movie contract in Hollywood? You got one of those?
Sure ' He smiled through his own tears. For you, anything. Anything except what they both wanted more than life itself. And he was screwing it up, because he had decided Elizabeth was the right thing. Talking to Crystal again he was no longer sure. Maybe she was right not to let him call her. He wanted to get on the next plane now just to be with her, but he couldn't do that to either of them, he had to try and do things right with Elizabeth. He owed her that much. And he wouldn't have done that to Crystal. I guess I'm going to be seeing your name up in lights one of these days ' or I'll be buying your records. And he meant it.
Maybe one day. But she wasn't thinking about that now. She was only thinking of him, and how much she would miss him. I'm glad I saw you again ' even with all this ' it was worth it. Even for a few days of dreams. At least she had seen him. And held him. And touched him. And he had told her he loved her.
I don't know how you can say that now. I feel like a real shit ' especially with your seeing it first in the papers.
She shrugged. Maybe it didn't matter now. Maybe nothing did. He had never been part of her life. He had only been a dream, from beginning to end ' but a nice dream. And then, wishing she was stronger than that, she started to cry again, but it hurt so much to say good-bye to him, knowing it was forever. I hope you'll be happy.
So do I. But he sounded less than sure of it. Promise you'll call me if you need me. I'm serious, Crystal. He knew she had no one else now, except the Websters, and they couldn't have done much to help her.
I'll be okay. She smiled and fought back the tears again. I'm tough, you know.
Yeah ' I know that ' I just wish you didn't have to be. You deserve to have someone terrific to take care of you. He wanted to add and I wish I were that person, but it would have been too cruel, and too pointless for both of them. And then, knowing there was nothing left to say, Good-bye, Crystal, I love you. There were tears in his eyes and he could barely hear her whispered answer.
I love you too, Spencer ' And the phone went dead in his hand, and she was gone. Forever.
He wrote to her once, just to tell her how sorry he was, and how much she had meant to him, as hard as it had been to put it into words, but the letter came back unopened, unanswered. He wasn't sure if she had moved, but he didn't really think so. She was just wise enough not to start something neither of them could finish. And she knew that now she had to put it behind her. It wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing she had ever done, except leaving the ranch and the valley, but she forced herself to try and forget him. She didn't even want to sing the songs anymore that she had sung that night when he had come back to see her. Everything reminded her of him, every morning, every day, every night, every song, every sunset. Every waking moment was spent thinking of him. In years past, all she had had were her dreams, but now she had enough more to make it infinitely more painful. She knew the exact color of his eyes, the smell of his hair, the feel of his lips, the touch of his hands, the sound of his voice when he spoke in a whisper. And now all of it had to be forgotten. She had her whole life ahead of her, and no one to love, but she had her gifts from God, Mrs. Castagna reminded her frequently, and she had Pearl to remind her that Hollywood was still waiting. But now, without Spencer, none of it seemed quite so important.
And for Spencer, things settled down again eventually. He thought of Crystal a lot, but he was determined to make an honest commitment. He went to Palm Beach for Christmas with Elizabeth, and he began to find his footing again. He thought constantly about writing to Crystal, but he never did again. He knew Crystal wanted to be left alone, and he felt much too guilty. And Elizabeth overlooked all of it, like a social faux pas she was too gracious to mention.
They had a nice Christmas in spite of it and returned from Florida relaxed and tanned, and there were only six months left until the wedding.
Elizabeth usually kept him busy with parties in New York, and trips to Washington to visit her parents. He scarcely had time to think of anything that spring, but still more often than not, there were gnawing thoughts of Crystal and he did his best to fight them. There was no point driving himself crazy over her. He was doing the right thing, he told himself, almost daily.
Mrs. Barclay went to San Francisco in early May, to oversee the last details. They were to be married in Grace Cathedral,
just as Elizabeth wanted, and the reception was going to be at the St. Francis Hotel. She had wanted it at home, but she also wanted to invite over seven hundred people, and they had no choice but to do it at a hotel. There were going to be fourteen ushers, and a dozen bridesmaids. It was the kind of wedding he had read about, but never even been to. And he flew out to San Francisco with Elizabeth in June, the day after she finished school. It was the end of her third year, and she was transferring to Columbia in the fall, so she could graduate after they were married. It was the only condition her father had set on them before he agreed to the marriage. He wanted Elizabeth to graduate, and he was only very sorry that she wouldn't be graduating from Vassar. But all Elizabeth wanted was to be with her husband. They were in high spirits on the plane, and Spencer knew that there was going to be a constant round of parties when they got to California. The wedding was still a week away, on the seventeenth of June, and they were going to Hawaii for their honeymoon. She could hardly wait, and the week before she had announced airily that she was putting Spencer on restriction before the wedding. He was teasing her mercilessly about it on the plane, and telling her he could no longer be held responsible for his actions. But their opportunities were going to be more limited than before. Her father had taken a room for him at the Bohemian Club, as well as for all the ushers coming from out of town, among them George from Spencer's office. He still remembered how sure George had been that he was doing the right thing and he believed it too. Until he set foot back in San Francisco.
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